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Old 10-19-2004, 01:44 AM  
KCWolfman KCWolfman is offline
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I Talked My Neighbor Out of Eating Fat Yesterday

...I was suprised at how easy it was.

He's a small fat eater, a bowl or two a day and a small plate in the afternoon. He said he was eating fat he thought it might help his energy intake. I noted that I can understand that position for sure, and commented on how it's just a shame that the stomach expects small intestines to operate within their limits, yet his stomach could stretch and grow at will. He shook his head in disgust and commented that he too was disappointed in how irresponsible his gut had become. I mentioned to him that at least with that Richard Simmons, we knew the stomach would have to work hard and stay in shape running on balanced meals.

He asked what I am eating. I told him, "well, that depends... But I can tell you what I am not eating and that's fat. I'm not going to reward the stomach with hours on the toilet pushing and grunting bran irresponsibility is the thanks that my colon gets. They make us look in one direction by giving us a supersize bean burrito, and then in the other direction they pile on those calories like Oprah Winfrey at a buffet. It's clearly just a game to them."

"Yeah, but working out isn't cheap," he tells me.

"No. Definitely not. The last informercial for an ab-blaster cost 3 payments of 29.95 PLUS Shipping and Handling. That's a lot of money. You wanna know how much this piece of exercise equipment is looking to cost us?"

"How much?"

"When everything is said and done, it's going to cost us over 127.00 dollars for that bowflex, and that doesn't include shipping and handling."

"What!?" he asks me. "Are you serious? Why so much?"

"Well, last time, we bought in before the 30 minutes was up, this time they will not take off that last payment"

"Yeah, because Infomercials cost a lot of money and Tony Little needs to eat too."

"Yeah. Turns out he doesn't. Tony Little isn't real and now were up to our elbows in infomercials from him, Sally Struthers, George Clooney and a host of other sales people that hate each other with a passion, each of which claim they would never allow anyone to undersell them. Worse yet, the only thing these groups have in common is that they want America's cash. How is Democracy supposed to thrive in that kind of environment? Meanwhile, we're weakening our own economy by taking ab-blasters from China and Japan that our kids will have to pay back with interest.

"Well, were stopping the weight gain in there..."

"From what?"

"From spreading out here..."

"Well, I don't know about that. It seems to me that if we wanted to stop weight gain, the first thing we'd do is beef up our exercise routine. Did you hear about the Catholics are having a fish fry with partially hydrogenated animal fat? The Catholics were the same group that make all those fatty potato meals."

"What? They found Catholics cooking with fat!? That serious!"

"Yeah. No doubt. Luckily we caught this group and moved them to bingo instead. So somebody is doing their jobs.

"Dang. I'm glad I asked you. I hadn't thought about it like that. Boy, after all that, I can't eat fat. I just got my fat of the month crate in the mail today but I am chucking it out. Looks like I'll be eating salad tonight. My wife will be happy about that. She was trying to talk me out of it, but she doesn't know the issues like you do."

"I try to keep up. Don't let me tell you what to eat, because I've got enough conflict of my own to get figured out as far as that goes. I just know what I'm not eating and why. I just can't think of any logical reason to reward this stomach with another 20 lbs. Can you?"

"No. I really cant."
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Old 10-19-2004, 01:49 AM   #2
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LOL. Good stuff.

Excpet your facts are wrong again, Bowflex is more like $1000.

8.7/10 on the "funny" scale, good stuff.
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Old 10-19-2004, 09:34 AM   #3
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Old 10-19-2004, 09:37 AM   #4
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Old 10-19-2004, 12:34 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KCWolfman
...I was suprised at how easy it was.

He's a small fat eater, a bowl or two a day and a small plate in the afternoon. He said he was eating fat he thought it might help his energy intake. I noted that I can understand that position for sure, and commented on how it's just a shame that the stomach expects small intestines to operate within their limits, yet his stomach could stretch and grow at will. He shook his head in disgust and commented that he too was disappointed in how irresponsible his gut had become. I mentioned to him that at least with that Richard Simmons, we knew the stomach would have to work hard and stay in shape running on balanced meals.

He asked what I am eating. I told him, "well, that depends... But I can tell you what I am not eating and that's fat. I'm not going to reward the stomach with hours on the toilet pushing and grunting bran irresponsibility is the thanks that my colon gets. They make us look in one direction by giving us a supersize bean burrito, and then in the other direction they pile on those calories like Oprah Winfrey at a buffet. It's clearly just a game to them."

"Yeah, but working out isn't cheap," he tells me.

"No. Definitely not. The last informercial for an ab-blaster cost 3 payments of 29.95 PLUS Shipping and Handling. That's a lot of money. You wanna know how much this piece of exercise equipment is looking to cost us?"

"How much?"

"When everything is said and done, it's going to cost us over 127.00 dollars for that bowflex, and that doesn't include shipping and handling."

"What!?" he asks me. "Are you serious? Why so much?"

"Well, last time, we bought in before the 30 minutes was up, this time they will not take off that last payment"

"Yeah, because Infomercials cost a lot of money and Tony Little needs to eat too."

"Yeah. Turns out he doesn't. Tony Little isn't real and now were up to our elbows in infomercials from him, Sally Struthers, George Clooney and a host of other sales people that hate each other with a passion, each of which claim they would never allow anyone to undersell them. Worse yet, the only thing these groups have in common is that they want America's cash. How is Democracy supposed to thrive in that kind of environment? Meanwhile, we're weakening our own economy by taking ab-blasters from China and Japan that our kids will have to pay back with interest.

"Well, were stopping the weight gain in there..."

"From what?"

"From spreading out here..."

"Well, I don't know about that. It seems to me that if we wanted to stop weight gain, the first thing we'd do is beef up our exercise routine. Did you hear about the Catholics are having a fish fry with partially hydrogenated animal fat? The Catholics were the same group that make all those fatty potato meals."

"What? They found Catholics cooking with fat!? That serious!"

"Yeah. No doubt. Luckily we caught this group and moved them to bingo instead. So somebody is doing their jobs.

"Dang. I'm glad I asked you. I hadn't thought about it like that. Boy, after all that, I can't eat fat. I just got my fat of the month crate in the mail today but I am chucking it out. Looks like I'll be eating salad tonight. My wife will be happy about that. She was trying to talk me out of it, but she doesn't know the issues like you do."

"I try to keep up. Don't let me tell you what to eat, because I've got enough conflict of my own to get figured out as far as that goes. I just know what I'm not eating and why. I just can't think of any logical reason to reward this stomach with another 20 lbs. Can you?"

"No. I really cant."
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Old 10-19-2004, 02:27 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bunnytrdr
Laugh all you will. There is a real danger in Catholic Fish Frys. I am sure Duhnise will be on shortly to explain it to you.
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Old 10-19-2004, 06:06 PM   #7
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You probably saved his life...
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Old 10-19-2004, 08:38 PM
Mr. Kotter
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Old 10-19-2004, 08:38 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Hel'n


You probably saved his life...
That's below the belt; in fairness, Russ has lost weight since that photo.

He's no longer a "C" cup; he now wears "B"
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Old 10-19-2004, 09:30 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by KCWolfman
Laugh all you will. There is a real danger in Catholic Fish Frys. I am sure Duhnise will be on shortly to explain it to you.
And it will be tied to a republican conspiracy.

Bush's fault, I'm tellin ya.....
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Old 10-19-2004, 09:32 PM   #10
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There is only one true lasting way to proper weight and health and it is contained in 4 simple words.

"Eat properly and exercise"

That's all there is to it. Anything else is, in the long term, doomed to fail.
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Old 10-19-2004, 10:27 PM   #11
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Old 10-20-2004, 12:09 AM   #12
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I talked some monkeys into flying out of my ass today.. It was suprisingly easy.

That was you???? I saw 'em , it wasn't pretty Joe.
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Old 10-20-2004, 12:23 AM   #13
KCWolfman KCWolfman is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Inspector
There is only one true lasting way to proper weight and health and it is contained in 4 simple words.

"Eat properly and exercise"

That's all there is to it. Anything else is, in the long term, doomed to fail.
Actually, Everything in the long term is doomed to fail, including eating properly
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Old 10-20-2004, 06:25 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by Hel'n


...
Hel'n, We need to talk. First off, you shouldn't have shaved your head, the goatee makes you look like Phobia, the belly button tatoo is overdone and for goodness sake, never....NEVER go braless again!!!
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Old 10-21-2004, 08:01 AM   #15
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Which kind of fat did you talk him out of eating?

Just curious!!
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