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Old 12-15-2004, 05:21 PM  
gblowfish gblowfish is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Glorious Independence, MO
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VARSITY
Christmas Greeting & Story Cleared by Legal

After serious consultation with the legal team, the following is a festive holiday greeting and story guaranteed to be cleared by all the corporate spin - meisters:

Please accept without obligation, express or implied, these best
wishes for an environmentally safe, socially responsible, low
stress, non-addictive, and gender-neutral celebration of the winter
solstice holiday as practiced within the most enjoyable traditions
of the religious persuasion of your choice (but with respect for the
religious or secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or for
their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all)
and further for a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and
medically uncomplicated onset of the generally accepted calendar
year (including, but not limited to, the Christian calendar, but not
without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures).
The preceding wishes are extended without regard to the race, creed,
age, physical ability, religious faith or lack thereof, choice of
computer platform, or sexual preference of the wishee(s).

THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS:

Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur
at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the
House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein,
including, but not limited to a mouse.

A variety of foot apparel, e.g., stocking, socks, etc., had been
affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or
belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus
(hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter. The minor
residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were
located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did
dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.

Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter
referred to as ("I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the
House with the party of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and
said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. At such
time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g.,
kerchief and cap.

Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon
the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House,
i.e., the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or
circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a
window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.

At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some
degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh
(hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly
through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of
the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously
referenced Claus.

Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and
guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically
identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer,
Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the
Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an
additional co- conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)

The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the
Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and
noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and
other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior
invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle
arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.

Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered
with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack
containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other
unknown items.

He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in
blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.

Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of
the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys
and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however,
constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable
provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)

Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and
flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof
where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus
immediately departed for an unknown destination.

However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from
said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or
exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words
to that effect.

Thanks to Ralph Ostermueller of fvginternational.com for this
legalese.
Posts: 27,328
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