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Old 12-28-2000, 11:35 AM  
redshirt32 redshirt32 is offline
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A few weeks ago I caught my 14-year-old daughter kissing her "boyfriend"...
I warned her that it is not okay and that it better not happen again...
A week later, the boyfriend's mother catches them kissing but doesn't tell me...
A week later, my wife catches them kissing with heavy petting and does tell me...
Sheesh, I think, what am I going to do? 14 is too young!
So I talk to the both of them and say,
"Do you two wanna keep seeing each other?"
They reply, "Yes."
"Then cut the kissing and stuff out or else you're done."
My daughter later promised me she would do as I asked.
Last night my wife caught them kissing with heavy petting again.
And, of course, she tells me this as I'm going to bed.
So I call Katie out of her bed and bring her into our bedroom.
I confront her and she confirms that she did break the promise.
(Who knows how many times.)
I told her she screwed me and screwed herself.
That I was very hurt that I could no longer trust her.
I also told her she was through seeing the boy;
and the boy was not welcome in our house;
and there would be no further boy-girl social occasions
of any kind: parties, holidays, outings, or the like.
Lastly, that if it gets back to me that she is seeing the boy,
or any boy, behind my back and I find out there is kissing and
heavy petting going on, then I will immediately transfer her from
her school that very day.

Well, was I too hard? I feel like she has been lying to me all along.
What would you have done?

The Fly is Flattened...<P>
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Old 12-28-2000, 11:46 AM   #2
BigChiefsFan BigChiefsFan is offline
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Fly--
You can't protect her always and forever, dude. Maybe try explaining [i]why[/i] you don't want her doing those kind of things. Being "too young" is [i]not[/i] a reason...STD's, unwanted pregnancy (assuming it goes that far, which I'm sure is what you're trying to prevent) bad reputation, etc. are reasons. Instead of just telling her not to, explain it to her. I don't see kissing as bad...it's fun and kids are going to do stuff like that at that age.

And I'm just trying to help you out here. My daughter is only 8 and, even though I don't live with her, I'm fearing the day I have to talk with her about this stuff. It seems a long way off, but it'll be here before I know it.

Just don't throw fried chicken at her beau. :D

MM
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Old 12-28-2000, 11:46 AM   #3
CHIEF1 CHIEF1 is offline
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Well, I don't have any kids so take this with a grain, if you will. I think 14 IS too young. Lay down the law until she' 16. I have a little sister, and I was kind of a jerk when it came to her boyfriends. But, it's going to happen eventually. But 14 is too young to be dating. 16 is kinda young too, but when they start driving, it's harder to look out for them.
My first reaction was that you were a little harsh, but she was warned a coupla times. I don't know if I'd transfer the kid, though.
I hope you were serious about it, because you have to be prepared to go all the way with the punishment. Otherwise, it's just an empty threat.

rh :mad:
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Old 12-28-2000, 11:49 AM   #4
BigChiefsFan BigChiefsFan is offline
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Deleted this...wasn't really on the topic.

MM
~~Trying to focus on The Fly's fatherhood.

[This message has been edited by Mark M (edited 12-28-2000).]
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Old 12-28-2000, 11:55 AM   #5
redshirt32 redshirt32 is offline
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Having the kiss didn't bother me so much... It was the next step with the heavy petting and touching in places where I'd rather they didn't... That really pushed it for me...

I have explained about STD's and pregnancy and not screwing up your life for a moment's thrill... But I guess I'm just a dad who knows nothing...

She broke her promise... And at 14 heavy petting is a definite no-no...<P>
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Old 12-28-2000, 11:57 AM   #6
redhed redhed is offline
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Fly,
You are in a no-win situation. If you try to be a "friend" to your daughter you may be silently condoning this behavior. If you try to hold on to tight you risk her rebelling against you and going behind your back. IMHO, you did the right thing. I think it is better to be safe than sorry. As parents we can't control everything but we can try.
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Old 12-28-2000, 11:58 AM   #7
Idahojim Idahojim is offline
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FLY

I can only speak of my exp. with my 2 girls...To harsh,maybe,use a dif approach like,OK all visits are at your home and supervised,no dating,her funtions need to be supervised till she can show respect!
With our girls,when we put the foot down,we didn't watch them when they where away from us. Kids will sneak...we all know that,you must make it harder for them not to be alone...seperating them is unfair,I know it is your girl,been throu that myself,just limit the time for them,show her you feel for her feelings too!

As far as the lying...that pisses me off too,tell her it does,but give here some of her freedom too...yes 14 is young...all parents are protective of the kids,thru exp. with 3 of our 4,I feel that this approach will get them to trust you and you can trust them too,it worked better for us after we did this than try'n to be harsh and bold with them........GOOD LUCK!




[This message has been edited by ROYC75 (edited 12-28-2000).]
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Old 12-28-2000, 12:01 PM   #8
Warrior5 Warrior5 is offline
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I absolutely agree with Mark M on this one. I'd never tell you how to raise your kids, nor would I have the patience to let you tell me how to raise mine(hell my girl is only [b]3[/b] and I'm dreading the day).

But I think you overreacted BIG TIME! [i]Forbidding[/i] her to do [b]ANYTHING[/b] will pretty much assure she'll do it. The threats, in my humble opinion, will get you nowhere. Explaining to her [i]why[/i] may not either, but I think you'll have a much better shot.

Keep in mind what [b]YOU[/b] were like as a teen. Kids WILL do what they want most of the time, whether Mom & Dad approve or not. Better to prepare them than forbid them.

ct

[This message has been edited by coryt (edited 12-28-2000).]
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Old 12-28-2000, 12:02 PM   #9
BigChiefsFan BigChiefsFan is offline
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Fly--
Hey, if she won't do what you ask, you gotta do what you gotta do. Just try to do it in a way that won't make her resent your actions. My wife was raised in a [i]very[/i] strict household, and, once they determined that she could date (at 17) she went a little nuts (no pun intended).

She wasn't a whore or anything, but she dated some real losers just to get back at her folks (or so she thought). It wound up hurting her more than them.

And all 14 year old kids think their parents don't know squat. Perhaps you have a personal story you could share with her on why she should wait. It doesn't have to be about you...hell, it doesn't even have to be real. Just something she can relate to and that she can accept.

I'm positive you'll make the right moves. You obviously love her very much and want the best for her. Good luck!

MM
~~Glad he has another 6 years or so to plan for this!

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Old 12-28-2000, 12:03 PM   #10
karob karob is offline
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I can take a lot of bad behavior from my kids if it is the first time. If I tell them to stop and they dont' stop I lay down the law. If they lie, then all hell breaks loose. I can't stand lying. Their punishment is worse if I catch them lying.

Telling her that it is not appropriate is the right thing to do. How does your wife feel about the punishment? Changing schools may be bit harsh. After an being grounded for a time, let her see the boy, but only with adult supervision.


How did she manage to get caught so many times?
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Old 12-28-2000, 12:07 PM   #11
milkman milkman is offline
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Roy - Sounds like some very good advice. I would probably ground her for lying to me, but that is just me. Supervised visits seems to make sense to me, especially at that age.
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Old 12-28-2000, 12:08 PM   #12
Gracie Dean Gracie Dean is offline
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Fly,

Don't alienate her. You can't control her the way you are trying to. I think you'd be best not allowing these things to bother you because it's just going to cause her to rebel. You're screwed either way but you can't keep her from seeing a boyfriend. That just strengthens their bond and weakens whatever is left of what you had with your daughter. Don't make any situation seem hopeless to a child because they will take drastic action. Sometimes even hurting themselves. Dude - I said it the last time and I'll say it now - you and your family need professional help. Get some, soon!
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Old 12-28-2000, 12:20 PM   #13
Chief Nathan Chief Nathan is offline
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Fly,

Good to see you are a concerned and caring parent, but being over-restrictive is going to get you a very rebellious daughter. Nothing short of a chaste belt and a cage is going to get you the desired result. But that will come with a lot of negative side effects.

IMO the only way you are going to get her to respect and see your side of things is if she believes what you are saying to be reasonable...Although no loving father likes to think about some snot-nosed punk cramming his tongue down his daughters throat, the reality is that is pretty much the norm at 14 and your daughter knows that. For you to tell her that is off limits immediately sends up a red flag in her mind that you are not being reasonable. So if your opinion is contradictory in the areas that she is very familiar with ie:kissing, then she is possibly going to be confused about your thoughts and opinions on the much more serious matters that you are definitely wanting to avoid. I recommend you compromise on the small issues, kissing, and then when you have the discussion about it being inappropriate to go farther she is much more likely to honor and respect that opinion.
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Old 12-28-2000, 12:30 PM   #14
redshirt32 redshirt32 is offline
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Well, I have to say I've never been the parent of a teenager before... It was a lot easier when she was 7!

I realize kissing is gonna happen. I realize that petting, sooner or later will happen. I just want to delay it as much as possible. For her good as well as my peace of mind.

She's been a good kid all her life. I give her a lot of rope because I trust her and she has always honored that trust.

But now nothing seems to get through to her concerning her boyfriend. Go slow. No petting. Here's the reasons... It's all blah, blah, blah...

What am I supposed to do? Just let it go? She made me a promise and then she broke it. There must be some consequences for that. She has lied to me concerning her boyfriend numerous times now. Why? I haven't laid the hammer on her for it? I've counseled her and set ground rules. And they've all been broken.

I admit changing schools is a little harsh. But I have to get her attention. She needs to realize how important her choices and decisions are, and how they affect her life and others...

What else can I do? She lied straight up and was caught? And broke a promise to boot...<P>
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Old 12-28-2000, 12:34 PM   #15
Idahojim Idahojim is offline
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Fly

If you want to talk..man I can give you some stories on my 2 girls and 1 boy that have grown up,take it,see if it come to play on your situation......800-685-5696..at work now,call if you want to!

[This message has been edited by ROYC75 (edited 12-28-2000).]
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