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Old 01-21-2006, 07:08 PM  
John Matrix
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A Truly Sh*tty Experience

I am a graduate student in a small college town. As many of you know, college towns are notorious for their shitty housing. Most of the residences in town are run down, and the somewhat nice ones are generally priced as though they are on the upper west side of Manhattan. What makes things worse are the endless petty ordinances that landlords often put up in order to discourage prospective renters, or make their lives a living hell.

I am not particularly good with authority. If I was a professional athlete, I’d probably be a locker room cancer because I hate having people tell me what to do, especially when I don’t think they are as capable as I am in a given task. I’m an elitist and a dickhead, in short, but sometimes it’s entertaining.

My current neighbors are trifling bitches. Despite the fact that there is a newly paved sidewalk that leads directly to the asphalt pad on which their cars are parked, for some reason they feel the need to traipse through the grass in order to travel the unbearable 30 foot distance. Perhaps that’s because after seeing one of them for the first time, my mom said, “you could serve dinner on that girl’s ass.”—after all it must be stressful.

Of course, these girls have to be in a sorority, because all overweight annoying girls whose parents pay their way are always in a sorority. It’s one of the axioms of the universe, right up their with the constant of the speed of light. These ‘sorostitutes’ always seem to have a sense of entitlement somewhere north of Maurice Clarett. It makes living next to them, well a pain in the ass. It’s ok when they are up til 4 am playing music over their very shitty speakers (I could tolerate it if it weren’t for the suck ass sound coming from their goddamn shelf system piece of monkey shit), but yet it’s inconvenient for them to not walk on the sidewalk because they don’t want to walk in my dog’s poop, as if dog shit is somehow hard to locate. You’d think that girls who spend the majority of their post-secondary education on their knees would at least have a passing familiarity with the ground. Nevertheless, I have always committed a cardinal sin whenever they happen to step in poop. Big deal I figure, after all, it’s only dog shit—wipe it off in the grass you love to walk in so much, and go blow some guy with a popped collar.

I love irony. For example, these girls are so scandalized by the excretion of an animal that eats a diet far healthier than nearly all people do, yet they willingly swallow the ejaculate of men they don’t even know. Alas, I am not the king of the universe, so perhaps I shouldn’t judge. Well, as bitches are wont to do, they bitched, complaining to our landlords numerous times about the piles of poop in the yard. I complied for the most part and picked them up whenever the incessant complaining would get unbearable, but after winter break I said to myself, “**** it,” and didn’t pick up a piece of crap for about six weeks. I was fortunate that a layer of snow concealed the shit for the most part, but now unseasonable weather has melted the snow off, exposing, well…a shitload of shit.

I got a letter from my landlord today informing me that if I did not pick up the poop today that I would be forced to move my dog out. Well **** that I thought to myself. I considered various forms of retribution, but in the end figured what the hell and picked all the shit up. I now have a 30 gallon trash bag filled with at least 25 pounds of dog poop in it (6 weeks of poop for a 60 pound dog is a lot of shit). Thus I have complied with the wishes of my landlord, but now I have all this shit that is just itching for me to do something with it. Perhaps I could make a shit airbag, like in “Men at Work”, or find a way to put it all in the trunks of the whores next door. Then again, I guess I could just light it all on fire on their doorstep in a ritual of purification. Nevertheless, attached are photos of the poop, and me, with a shit eating grin holding my prize aloft.
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Old 01-23-2006, 02:14 AM   #136
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[quote=John Matrix]

There's a reason why a lot of fans around the league think most Chiefs fans are stupid redeneck bastards, and that reason is........

[quote]

The reason is, they see pictures on the internet of some of them holding big bags of dog shit next to their face.
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Old 01-23-2006, 02:16 AM   #137
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[quote=stumppy][quote=John Matrix]

There's a reason why a lot of fans around the league think most Chiefs fans are stupid redeneck bastards, and that reason is........

Quote:

The reason is, they see pictures on the internet of some of them holding big bags of dog shit next to their face.
Obviously you've never pulled college pranks on anyone, but that's probably a hard feat for you to aspire to whenever you flunk out during grade school.
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Old 01-23-2006, 02:22 AM   #138
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Matrix
Obviously you've never pulled college pranks on anyone, but that's probably a hard feat for you to aspire to whenever you flunk out during grade school.

And which one was the bag of dogshit and which one was Turdix?-hard to tell.
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Old 01-23-2006, 02:24 AM   #139
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Halfcan
And which one was the bag of dogshit and which one was Turdix?-hard to tell.
Hey everyone, it's Bill Shakespeare. Is Halfcan a mention to the half can of Zyklon B that your mother must have inhaled when she learned that she was impregnated from goatstock at the sperm clinic?
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Old 01-23-2006, 02:25 AM   #140
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Matrix
Obviously you've never pulled college pranks on anyone, but that's probably a hard feat for you to aspire to whenever you flunk out during grade school.
I didn't have to go to college to know better than to post pictures on the internet of myself smiling and holding a bag of shit next to my face.

There was a kid in grade school that always smiled like that when he got his hands on some shit. Don't know his name though. People tended to shy away from him.
But who am I to be telling you ? Heh.
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Old 01-23-2006, 02:38 AM   #141
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Matrix
Hey everyone, it's Bill Shakespeare. Is Halfcan a mention to the half can of Zyklon B that your mother must have inhaled when she learned that she was impregnated from goatstock at the sperm clinic?

Wow that is just unfunny and pathetic Dogshit. Why don't you make fun of my Aunt with Cancer again you fuggin moron. I mean, there have been some real losers on here, but never one so dispicable that he is proud of a pic of himself holding a bag of shit.

No wonder your neighbors hate you!!!!
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Old 01-23-2006, 02:42 AM   #142
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Halfcan
Wow that is just unfunny and pathetic Dogshit. Why don't you make fun of my Aunt with Cancer again you fuggin moron. I mean, there have been some real losers on here, but never one so dispicable that he is proud of a pic of himself holding a bag of shit.

No wonder your neighbors hate you!!!!
You are a complete and total moron. That's unfunny and pathetic, yet your actions on numerous other boards should be lauded for their admirability. I'd wish for your demise, but I do'nt even know if the Earth should deserve the blight that holding your rotting corpse would entail.
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Old 01-23-2006, 06:46 AM   #143
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I gotta admit, posters like this don't come along to often.
So relish the moment.

Remember back his post of crying because his bitch niehbors made him clean up his dogs poop.
Look back at his sad and pathetic pic of him proudly holding a bag of shit.
Recall how he whined that those college chicks give guys a bj yet won't even give him the time of day.
Be horrified that you conversed with a guy nicknamed 'The turd bandit'.
Next time you take a dump flush it down quickly or it could be snatched up for Matrix to be a source of his pride and joy.
Then have his pic taken with it only to be shown on message boards through out the land.

Beware that such a low-life creature out there does exist.
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Old 01-23-2006, 09:39 AM   #144
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Hey Matrix...

Who is the bigger loser? A person, who has been a Chiefs fan for 20+ years, conversing with other like minded people through 5 seasons, or the New guy who shows up, and "doesn't care" so much, that whenever his feelings get hurt, he runs to not only post on the message board he's making fun of others for posting on, but makes a 2 page entry starting "dear diary".

You're pretty pathetic, and you know it, which is why you're so angry and have such a tough time making friends. I am beginning to doubt if the bag next to that beaker head you've got is actually full of dog nuggets, but its more likely that you're the inspiration for the South Park episode where you shove a sandwich in your head holster and cr@p out your mouth.

I don't know what your problem is, but I'm sure its difficult to pronounce.

I won't worry too much about my personal life, until the day I make a diary or blog entry giving a blow by blow arguement from another website.
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Old 01-23-2006, 02:50 PM   #145
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Matrix
You are a complete and total moron. That's unfunny and pathetic, yet your actions on numerous other boards should be lauded for their admirability. I'd wish for your demise, but I do'nt even know if the Earth should deserve the blight that holding your rotting corpse would entail.

Other boards? A complete and total moron-there is a word for that and it is John Matrix-also can be used to describe a useless steaming bag of shit. Why don't you go peep in your neibors windows again or stick your head in an oven. You will go down as the biggest lowlife to ever post on the Planet-and in only 300 post-quit an accomplishment for an illiterate inbreed C#cksmoker.
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Old 01-23-2006, 08:53 PM   #146
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Matrix
Obviously you've never pulled college pranks on anyone, but that's probably a hard feat for you to aspire to whenever you flunk out during grade school.

I thought you were out of college, now you are lying about going to college???

Hi, I am Matrix... I talk shit about my neighbors on the internet and I am a skeezy asshole and I admit it.. I do dumbshit things but I do not care what you think because you are all whitetrash because you post on the internet and make fun of me... I mean I do not care about you are this site, but I will keep coming back to show I do not care.. You all are a joke for making fun of me on the internet, I mean I do not make fun of people on here or have a BLOG about making fun of people on the internet... You are all redneck geeks for making fun on me on the internet, I mean Kirksville is 10 times better then KC...

Agian you are all trash and I do not care what you think...

love John Matrix...

P.S. I will be back tomarrow to tell how much I do not care, and talk about you on my blog where people like me...
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Old 01-23-2006, 09:13 PM   #147
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I'll wager that Matrix gets laid less than a Dwarf in a full body goiter.
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Old 01-23-2006, 11:02 PM   #148
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Old 01-24-2006, 01:13 AM   #149
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How does Turdix still have green dots, he should have little piles of dogshit.
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Old 01-24-2006, 01:25 PM   #150
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Put the shit down their chimney. If they have one.
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