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Old 01-21-2006, 06:08 PM  
John Matrix
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A Truly Sh*tty Experience

I am a graduate student in a small college town. As many of you know, college towns are notorious for their shitty housing. Most of the residences in town are run down, and the somewhat nice ones are generally priced as though they are on the upper west side of Manhattan. What makes things worse are the endless petty ordinances that landlords often put up in order to discourage prospective renters, or make their lives a living hell.

I am not particularly good with authority. If I was a professional athlete, I’d probably be a locker room cancer because I hate having people tell me what to do, especially when I don’t think they are as capable as I am in a given task. I’m an elitist and a dickhead, in short, but sometimes it’s entertaining.

My current neighbors are trifling bitches. Despite the fact that there is a newly paved sidewalk that leads directly to the asphalt pad on which their cars are parked, for some reason they feel the need to traipse through the grass in order to travel the unbearable 30 foot distance. Perhaps that’s because after seeing one of them for the first time, my mom said, “you could serve dinner on that girl’s ass.”—after all it must be stressful.

Of course, these girls have to be in a sorority, because all overweight annoying girls whose parents pay their way are always in a sorority. It’s one of the axioms of the universe, right up their with the constant of the speed of light. These ‘sorostitutes’ always seem to have a sense of entitlement somewhere north of Maurice Clarett. It makes living next to them, well a pain in the ass. It’s ok when they are up til 4 am playing music over their very shitty speakers (I could tolerate it if it weren’t for the suck ass sound coming from their goddamn shelf system piece of monkey shit), but yet it’s inconvenient for them to not walk on the sidewalk because they don’t want to walk in my dog’s poop, as if dog shit is somehow hard to locate. You’d think that girls who spend the majority of their post-secondary education on their knees would at least have a passing familiarity with the ground. Nevertheless, I have always committed a cardinal sin whenever they happen to step in poop. Big deal I figure, after all, it’s only dog shit—wipe it off in the grass you love to walk in so much, and go blow some guy with a popped collar.

I love irony. For example, these girls are so scandalized by the excretion of an animal that eats a diet far healthier than nearly all people do, yet they willingly swallow the ejaculate of men they don’t even know. Alas, I am not the king of the universe, so perhaps I shouldn’t judge. Well, as bitches are wont to do, they bitched, complaining to our landlords numerous times about the piles of poop in the yard. I complied for the most part and picked them up whenever the incessant complaining would get unbearable, but after winter break I said to myself, “**** it,” and didn’t pick up a piece of crap for about six weeks. I was fortunate that a layer of snow concealed the shit for the most part, but now unseasonable weather has melted the snow off, exposing, well…a shitload of shit.

I got a letter from my landlord today informing me that if I did not pick up the poop today that I would be forced to move my dog out. Well **** that I thought to myself. I considered various forms of retribution, but in the end figured what the hell and picked all the shit up. I now have a 30 gallon trash bag filled with at least 25 pounds of dog poop in it (6 weeks of poop for a 60 pound dog is a lot of shit). Thus I have complied with the wishes of my landlord, but now I have all this shit that is just itching for me to do something with it. Perhaps I could make a shit airbag, like in “Men at Work”, or find a way to put it all in the trunks of the whores next door. Then again, I guess I could just light it all on fire on their doorstep in a ritual of purification. Nevertheless, attached are photos of the poop, and me, with a shit eating grin holding my prize aloft.
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Old 01-21-2006, 08:50 PM   #31
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Yep Too Tall's...and she got implicated for a shady land deal out at Hazel Creek...she was like a cricker Nixon.
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Old 01-21-2006, 08:54 PM   #32
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Originally Posted by Phobia
Glad to see you research your opposition. Shouldn't you be getting back to your column that no one reads?
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Old 01-21-2006, 09:01 PM   #33
Skip Towne Skip Towne is offline
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Old 01-21-2006, 09:02 PM   #34
Anyong Bluth Anyong Bluth is offline
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pick up your shit - sounds like you've got more of a problem with the people that you live around than having pick it up.


if you lived in any major city, they would require you pick it up. its called having consideration for others around you.

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Old 01-21-2006, 09:09 PM   #35
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phobia

damn there's something that make me a proud to be here
the least PC site
I like that

and don't get racist on my ass
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Old 01-21-2006, 09:10 PM   #36
John Matrix
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cocina_Basement
pick up your shit - sounds like you've got more of a problem with the people that you live around than having pick it up.


if you lived in any major city, they would require you pick it up. its called having consideration for others around you.

weak sauce
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Old 01-21-2006, 10:02 PM   #37
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You're a grad student at Truman State who takes pictures of himself with big bags of dog shit and complains about his fat sorority girl neighbors on the internet.

You claim to be an elitist.

I hate to break it to you, but you're just retarded.
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Old 01-21-2006, 10:05 PM   #38
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I'm not a grad student at Truman State, but I might very well be retarded. In my own defense, I do complain about them in real life...

However, if you don't like it, you can go **** yourself, Berkman.
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Old 01-21-2006, 10:51 PM   #39
Phobia Phobia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Matrix
Glad to see you research your opposition. Shouldn't you be getting back to your column that no one reads?
"Opposition"? I'm sure you give yourself entirely too much credit.
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Old 01-21-2006, 11:11 PM   #40
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You felt it important enough to get in the last word, it must have a kernel of truth.
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Old 01-21-2006, 11:14 PM   #41
Phobia Phobia is offline
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The only idiots who care about the last word are the ones who talk about it. I've had exactly 2 other people accuse me of wanting the last word during my internet experience. Good company you keep kid.
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Old 01-21-2006, 11:18 PM   #42
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I'm glad to know that you keep running statistics on all of your internet 'experiences'. I don't suppose you could concoct a Sabremetric formula for a hypersensitive jackass who thinks the world revolves around him because he happened to moderate an internet message board at one point.
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Old 01-21-2006, 11:22 PM   #43
Phobia Phobia is offline
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I don't actually find it necessary to use a formula to count to 2.
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Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.
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Old 01-21-2006, 11:24 PM   #44
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You are just all over the point, aren't you?
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Old 01-21-2006, 11:28 PM   #45
Phobia Phobia is offline
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Listen to me closely, Howdy Doody.

It's clear that you fancy yourself some kind of intellectual wannabe. I enjoy rapping with that variety of person from time to time. But until you master the concept of the pooper scooper, I'm kinda out of your league. Start out on somebody like royr17 and get back to me in a couple years. Good luck.
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