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Old 01-21-2006, 06:08 PM  
John Matrix
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A Truly Sh*tty Experience

I am a graduate student in a small college town. As many of you know, college towns are notorious for their shitty housing. Most of the residences in town are run down, and the somewhat nice ones are generally priced as though they are on the upper west side of Manhattan. What makes things worse are the endless petty ordinances that landlords often put up in order to discourage prospective renters, or make their lives a living hell.

I am not particularly good with authority. If I was a professional athlete, I’d probably be a locker room cancer because I hate having people tell me what to do, especially when I don’t think they are as capable as I am in a given task. I’m an elitist and a dickhead, in short, but sometimes it’s entertaining.

My current neighbors are trifling bitches. Despite the fact that there is a newly paved sidewalk that leads directly to the asphalt pad on which their cars are parked, for some reason they feel the need to traipse through the grass in order to travel the unbearable 30 foot distance. Perhaps that’s because after seeing one of them for the first time, my mom said, “you could serve dinner on that girl’s ass.”—after all it must be stressful.

Of course, these girls have to be in a sorority, because all overweight annoying girls whose parents pay their way are always in a sorority. It’s one of the axioms of the universe, right up their with the constant of the speed of light. These ‘sorostitutes’ always seem to have a sense of entitlement somewhere north of Maurice Clarett. It makes living next to them, well a pain in the ass. It’s ok when they are up til 4 am playing music over their very shitty speakers (I could tolerate it if it weren’t for the suck ass sound coming from their goddamn shelf system piece of monkey shit), but yet it’s inconvenient for them to not walk on the sidewalk because they don’t want to walk in my dog’s poop, as if dog shit is somehow hard to locate. You’d think that girls who spend the majority of their post-secondary education on their knees would at least have a passing familiarity with the ground. Nevertheless, I have always committed a cardinal sin whenever they happen to step in poop. Big deal I figure, after all, it’s only dog shit—wipe it off in the grass you love to walk in so much, and go blow some guy with a popped collar.

I love irony. For example, these girls are so scandalized by the excretion of an animal that eats a diet far healthier than nearly all people do, yet they willingly swallow the ejaculate of men they don’t even know. Alas, I am not the king of the universe, so perhaps I shouldn’t judge. Well, as bitches are wont to do, they bitched, complaining to our landlords numerous times about the piles of poop in the yard. I complied for the most part and picked them up whenever the incessant complaining would get unbearable, but after winter break I said to myself, “**** it,” and didn’t pick up a piece of crap for about six weeks. I was fortunate that a layer of snow concealed the shit for the most part, but now unseasonable weather has melted the snow off, exposing, well…a shitload of shit.

I got a letter from my landlord today informing me that if I did not pick up the poop today that I would be forced to move my dog out. Well **** that I thought to myself. I considered various forms of retribution, but in the end figured what the hell and picked all the shit up. I now have a 30 gallon trash bag filled with at least 25 pounds of dog poop in it (6 weeks of poop for a 60 pound dog is a lot of shit). Thus I have complied with the wishes of my landlord, but now I have all this shit that is just itching for me to do something with it. Perhaps I could make a shit airbag, like in “Men at Work”, or find a way to put it all in the trunks of the whores next door. Then again, I guess I could just light it all on fire on their doorstep in a ritual of purification. Nevertheless, attached are photos of the poop, and me, with a shit eating grin holding my prize aloft.
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File Type: jpg MatrixPoop1.JPG (49.5 KB, 257 views)
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Old 01-21-2006, 11:29 PM   #46
|Zach| |Zach| is offline
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Heh, busted.
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Old 01-21-2006, 11:30 PM   #47
John Matrix
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I'm sure I'll get flamed on this board because I'm not part of your world class wrecking crew, but quite frankly, I don't give a ****. I'm sure that you're quite proud of all that you've accomplished, and I must admit, the breadth of your domain does approach that of Alexander the Great, but I must say that I am not as impressed as some of your other lackeys here. If that doesn't get me brownie points, well then I guess that I'll have to find meaning in my life elsewhere, because God knows the opinion of Phobia is really all that any of us mortals should ever concern ourselves with.

May the fleas of a million rats infest your every orifice, and may you drown on the pus of your own boils in the pits of blackest hell.

Have an excellent night.
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Old 01-21-2006, 11:32 PM   #48
John Matrix
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Oh, squeeze to open the jaws of the Scooper, then twist, twist to uproot the grass and the poop, to wrench it clean. Twist the way your mother should have twisted the coathanger when she was infected with your alien fetus.
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Old 01-21-2006, 11:35 PM   #49
John Matrix
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phobia
Listen to me closely, Howdy Doody.

It's clear that you fancy yourself some kind of intellectual wannabe. I enjoy rapping with that variety of person from time to time. But until you master the concept of the pooper scooper, I'm kinda out of your league. Start out on somebody like royr17 and get back to me in a couple years. Good luck.

Is the Kansas City internet mafia going to put me down for circumventing the chain of message board command? Are all the endless vending machine company reps going to put out a hit on me because I don't follow the golden axiom "never question the will of the almighty Phobia"? The fact that you think someone needs to earn status on here in order to have an argument with you proves that your delusions are so extensive that nothing less than an elephant gun of thorazine in your ass will return you to normalcy.
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Old 01-21-2006, 11:36 PM   #50
Phobia Phobia is offline
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I'd really like to address some of your concerns but I'm afraid you'll make another foolish post before I have a chance to adequately provide you with an answer.
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Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.Phobia is obviously part of the inner Circle.
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Old 01-21-2006, 11:38 PM   #51
|Zach| |Zach| is offline
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Seriously guys I dont care...

typetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetype

typetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetype

Really its all stupid to me...


typetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetype

typetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetypetype

heh...
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Old 01-21-2006, 11:43 PM   #52
Miles Miles is offline
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See if you would have just picked up your dog's shit like everyone else does then you...
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Miles must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Miles must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Miles must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Miles must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Miles must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Miles must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Miles must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Miles must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Miles must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Miles must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Miles must have mowed badgirl's lawn.
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Old 01-21-2006, 11:44 PM   #53
John Matrix
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Where is the fun in that?
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Old 01-21-2006, 11:51 PM   #54
Boyceofsummer Boyceofsummer is offline
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At least your not bitter about it...............

Can we get some more oral fixation stories? This is pretty entertaining on a weekend without a Chiefs playoff game. But I digress.
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Old 01-22-2006, 02:30 AM   #55
Valiant Valiant is offline
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Seriously you post a picture of yourself that is that goofy looking, and you make fun of some fat chicks??? And how are you a competant racists, Urkel could bash you gimpy weak ass... How did you pick up the bag of poo, did you get help?
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Old 01-22-2006, 02:32 AM   #56
Valiant Valiant is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skip Towne
We had a bar in Iola that burned down twice. After that we called it "The Flame Club" no matter what the owner called it.

Man we can go a couple different ways with this post...
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Old 01-22-2006, 03:35 AM   #57
John Matrix
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Valiant
Seriously you post a picture of yourself that is that goofy looking, and you make fun of some fat chicks??? And how are you a competant racists, Urkel could bash you gimpy weak ass... How did
you pick up the bag of poo, did you get help?
You make two off the cuff comments about Andre Johnson and Shannon Sharpe and all of a sudden you're a racist...well, I guess I'll deal with that one.

I guess I'm talking to Ken Shamrock here. Since this thread was dead serious in matter, perhaps I should have taken a picture in the robe of a Supreme Court justice delivering the decision on a controversial case involving flag burning. Or I guess I could have taken it down the comical route...hence the goofy look. I guess I should quake in my boots, or break out in tears from total fear Obviously you're a bad mother****er... what with your GI Joe Avatar and all. What do you do when people **** with you at a bar, transform into a tank and shoot them with a ray gun? You're obviously just one of Phobia's jack off buddies, so go do yourself a favor and get a good night's rest, you'll need it when you're whacking off to that picture of a bird that he has up now. Go King Cobra, you bloody douche rag.
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Old 01-22-2006, 08:56 AM   #58
Phobia Phobia is offline
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You'll never make a good Phobia nemesis unless you learn the proper terminology.

Change "Phobia's jack off buddies" to "Phobia's minions" for starters.

Making comments about Andre Johnson and Shannon Sharpe doesn't make you a racist. You're a racist because you're an elitist prick and call black people by racial slurs.
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Old 01-22-2006, 09:06 AM   #59
Bob Dole Bob Dole is offline
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Originally Posted by Phobia
The only idiots who care about the last word are the ones who talk about it. I've had exactly 2 other people accuse me of wanting the last word during my internet experience. Good company you keep kid.
Right.
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Old 01-22-2006, 09:34 AM   #60
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The retard is you, John Matrix.

You're like a slightly smarter version of kcchiefsman. Are you guys related?
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