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Old 01-21-2006, 06:08 PM  
John Matrix
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A Truly Sh*tty Experience

I am a graduate student in a small college town. As many of you know, college towns are notorious for their shitty housing. Most of the residences in town are run down, and the somewhat nice ones are generally priced as though they are on the upper west side of Manhattan. What makes things worse are the endless petty ordinances that landlords often put up in order to discourage prospective renters, or make their lives a living hell.

I am not particularly good with authority. If I was a professional athlete, I’d probably be a locker room cancer because I hate having people tell me what to do, especially when I don’t think they are as capable as I am in a given task. I’m an elitist and a dickhead, in short, but sometimes it’s entertaining.

My current neighbors are trifling bitches. Despite the fact that there is a newly paved sidewalk that leads directly to the asphalt pad on which their cars are parked, for some reason they feel the need to traipse through the grass in order to travel the unbearable 30 foot distance. Perhaps that’s because after seeing one of them for the first time, my mom said, “you could serve dinner on that girl’s ass.”—after all it must be stressful.

Of course, these girls have to be in a sorority, because all overweight annoying girls whose parents pay their way are always in a sorority. It’s one of the axioms of the universe, right up their with the constant of the speed of light. These ‘sorostitutes’ always seem to have a sense of entitlement somewhere north of Maurice Clarett. It makes living next to them, well a pain in the ass. It’s ok when they are up til 4 am playing music over their very shitty speakers (I could tolerate it if it weren’t for the suck ass sound coming from their goddamn shelf system piece of monkey shit), but yet it’s inconvenient for them to not walk on the sidewalk because they don’t want to walk in my dog’s poop, as if dog shit is somehow hard to locate. You’d think that girls who spend the majority of their post-secondary education on their knees would at least have a passing familiarity with the ground. Nevertheless, I have always committed a cardinal sin whenever they happen to step in poop. Big deal I figure, after all, it’s only dog shit—wipe it off in the grass you love to walk in so much, and go blow some guy with a popped collar.

I love irony. For example, these girls are so scandalized by the excretion of an animal that eats a diet far healthier than nearly all people do, yet they willingly swallow the ejaculate of men they don’t even know. Alas, I am not the king of the universe, so perhaps I shouldn’t judge. Well, as bitches are wont to do, they bitched, complaining to our landlords numerous times about the piles of poop in the yard. I complied for the most part and picked them up whenever the incessant complaining would get unbearable, but after winter break I said to myself, “**** it,” and didn’t pick up a piece of crap for about six weeks. I was fortunate that a layer of snow concealed the shit for the most part, but now unseasonable weather has melted the snow off, exposing, well…a shitload of shit.

I got a letter from my landlord today informing me that if I did not pick up the poop today that I would be forced to move my dog out. Well **** that I thought to myself. I considered various forms of retribution, but in the end figured what the hell and picked all the shit up. I now have a 30 gallon trash bag filled with at least 25 pounds of dog poop in it (6 weeks of poop for a 60 pound dog is a lot of shit). Thus I have complied with the wishes of my landlord, but now I have all this shit that is just itching for me to do something with it. Perhaps I could make a shit airbag, like in “Men at Work”, or find a way to put it all in the trunks of the whores next door. Then again, I guess I could just light it all on fire on their doorstep in a ritual of purification. Nevertheless, attached are photos of the poop, and me, with a shit eating grin holding my prize aloft.
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Old 01-22-2006, 09:47 AM   #61
Ari Chi3fs Ari Chi3fs is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Metrolike
The retard is you, John Matrix.

You're like a slightly smarter version of kcchiefsman. Are you guys related?


Hhaahah....
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Old 01-22-2006, 10:13 AM   #62
Bwana Bwana is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Matrix
What would happen if I packed the exhaust of their cars with dog shit?
Your hands would smell like, well, dog shit.
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Old 01-22-2006, 10:18 AM   #63
Rukdafaidas Rukdafaidas is offline
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First, if you share a yard with someone, have a little respect and pick after your dog.
Second, you mention these girls have boyfriends, if you leave them a poo surprise, you may end up being nominated as the cum guzzler.
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Rukdafaidas has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Rukdafaidas has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Rukdafaidas has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Rukdafaidas has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Rukdafaidas has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Rukdafaidas has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Rukdafaidas has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Rukdafaidas has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Rukdafaidas has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Rukdafaidas has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.Rukdafaidas has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.
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Old 01-22-2006, 10:23 AM   #64
Fairplay Fairplay is offline
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John Matrix is eating good tonight.
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Old 01-22-2006, 10:24 AM   #65
Bwana Bwana is offline
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Originally Posted by Bwana
Your hands would smell like, well, dog shit.
On a side note, if you were my neighbor, I would have picked it up for you, but you would have the problem of trying to figure out how to get it out of your mailbox.
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Old 01-22-2006, 10:27 AM   #66
Bob Dole Bob Dole is offline
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Originally Posted by Rukdafaidas
First, if you share a yard with someone, have a little respect and pick after your dog.
Second, you mention these girls have boyfriends, if you leave them a poo surprise, you may end up being nominated as the cum guzzler.
If you've got a large breed dog, you need to clean that shit up even if you don't share a yard.

If Bob Dole's neighbor doesn't clean up his two pitbulls worth of shit-covered back yard by the time Spring rolls around, Bob Dole and the neighbor are going to have a problem. Bob Dole isn't going to be annoyed by the wafting stench when Bob Dole wants to sit in his own back yard.
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Old 01-22-2006, 10:32 AM   #67
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Do it Mods...ban Matrix. Or maybe a vote is in order. It's the American way.
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ChiefButthurt has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.ChiefButthurt has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.ChiefButthurt has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.ChiefButthurt has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.ChiefButthurt has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.ChiefButthurt has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.ChiefButthurt has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.ChiefButthurt has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.ChiefButthurt has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.ChiefButthurt has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.ChiefButthurt has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.
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Old 01-22-2006, 10:35 AM   #68
Fairplay Fairplay is offline
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John Matrix sez to eat plenty of protien each day..............
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Old 01-22-2006, 10:36 AM   #69
Bob Dole Bob Dole is offline
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Do it Mods...ban Matrix. Or maybe a vote is in order. It's the American way.
Why would the mods ban someone who supplies comedy gold?
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Old 01-22-2006, 10:41 AM   #70
ChiefButthurt ChiefButthurt is offline
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Hey Matrix, if the graduate thing doesn't work out...maybe you can pick up shit for a living. I hear it pays 2 cents a log.
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Old 01-22-2006, 10:43 AM   #71
Bwana Bwana is offline
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Hey Matrix, if the graduate thing doesn't work out...maybe you can pick up shit for a living. I hear it pays 2 cents a log.
Jesus, listen to the noob dishing out the smack.
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Old 01-22-2006, 10:49 AM   #72
Iowanian Iowanian is offline
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"I now have a 30 gallon trash bag filled with at least 25 pounds of dog poop in it "

Think about that statement for a minute dickhead. Its not their dog shitting in the yard. Your fundamental responsibilities as a pet owner include feeding, watering, exercising, sheltering, keeping from biting others, and cleaning up the waste...of your pet.

I'm currently on the other end of this arguement in my neighborhood. A nice neighborhood, with nice people, and 1 douchebag ditchpig, who have 50 bags of garbage thrown against the side of their house, trash in the yard and a pitbull mix that runs at its discretion. After a year of the elderly neighbors, complaining about the garbage, and excessive come and go traffic, and the next door neighbor and I tiring of picking up garabage, which includes busted out psuedofed containers and pieces of batteries.......A YEAR of the city and landlord doing nothing.....Hurricane Iowanian staged some civil unrest this week along with a neighbor or two, threw a bucket of shit into a fan at a public meeting and began getting things taken care of this time.

Its YOUR responsibility, to do YOUR part to be a good neighbor too.
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Old 01-22-2006, 10:54 AM   #73
Iowanian Iowanian is offline
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If I were your neighbor, and it was a problem for long....I'd probably have scooped all that dogshit into a snow shovel and smeared it on your welcome mat.

I'm beginning to wonder, if this particular psuedo-Intellectual, is just jealous that he wasn't allowed to sample the sophisticated flavor of the jiz.
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Last edited by Iowanian; 01-22-2006 at 11:17 AM..
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Old 01-22-2006, 01:05 PM   #74
John Matrix
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[quote=John Matrix]I'm sure I'll get flamed on this board because I'm not part of your world class wrecking crew, but quite frankly, I don't give a ****.[quote]

Need I say more. Do your 'minions' get extra rations from you for helping you fight the big, bad Matrix?



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Old 01-22-2006, 01:12 PM   #75
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Howdy Doody is making fun of MY appearance? Oh damn. The tears may force me to miss most of the football game.

While you were typing back to back to back posts in response to me on a Saturday night, every other 20 something male with any game at all was out scoring a piece of tail. Why were you more interested in me at that time? Is there something we should know about you Conan?
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