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Old 01-21-2006, 06:08 PM  
John Matrix
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A Truly Sh*tty Experience

I am a graduate student in a small college town. As many of you know, college towns are notorious for their shitty housing. Most of the residences in town are run down, and the somewhat nice ones are generally priced as though they are on the upper west side of Manhattan. What makes things worse are the endless petty ordinances that landlords often put up in order to discourage prospective renters, or make their lives a living hell.

I am not particularly good with authority. If I was a professional athlete, I’d probably be a locker room cancer because I hate having people tell me what to do, especially when I don’t think they are as capable as I am in a given task. I’m an elitist and a dickhead, in short, but sometimes it’s entertaining.

My current neighbors are trifling bitches. Despite the fact that there is a newly paved sidewalk that leads directly to the asphalt pad on which their cars are parked, for some reason they feel the need to traipse through the grass in order to travel the unbearable 30 foot distance. Perhaps that’s because after seeing one of them for the first time, my mom said, “you could serve dinner on that girl’s ass.”—after all it must be stressful.

Of course, these girls have to be in a sorority, because all overweight annoying girls whose parents pay their way are always in a sorority. It’s one of the axioms of the universe, right up their with the constant of the speed of light. These ‘sorostitutes’ always seem to have a sense of entitlement somewhere north of Maurice Clarett. It makes living next to them, well a pain in the ass. It’s ok when they are up til 4 am playing music over their very shitty speakers (I could tolerate it if it weren’t for the suck ass sound coming from their goddamn shelf system piece of monkey shit), but yet it’s inconvenient for them to not walk on the sidewalk because they don’t want to walk in my dog’s poop, as if dog shit is somehow hard to locate. You’d think that girls who spend the majority of their post-secondary education on their knees would at least have a passing familiarity with the ground. Nevertheless, I have always committed a cardinal sin whenever they happen to step in poop. Big deal I figure, after all, it’s only dog shit—wipe it off in the grass you love to walk in so much, and go blow some guy with a popped collar.

I love irony. For example, these girls are so scandalized by the excretion of an animal that eats a diet far healthier than nearly all people do, yet they willingly swallow the ejaculate of men they don’t even know. Alas, I am not the king of the universe, so perhaps I shouldn’t judge. Well, as bitches are wont to do, they bitched, complaining to our landlords numerous times about the piles of poop in the yard. I complied for the most part and picked them up whenever the incessant complaining would get unbearable, but after winter break I said to myself, “**** it,” and didn’t pick up a piece of crap for about six weeks. I was fortunate that a layer of snow concealed the shit for the most part, but now unseasonable weather has melted the snow off, exposing, well…a shitload of shit.

I got a letter from my landlord today informing me that if I did not pick up the poop today that I would be forced to move my dog out. Well **** that I thought to myself. I considered various forms of retribution, but in the end figured what the hell and picked all the shit up. I now have a 30 gallon trash bag filled with at least 25 pounds of dog poop in it (6 weeks of poop for a 60 pound dog is a lot of shit). Thus I have complied with the wishes of my landlord, but now I have all this shit that is just itching for me to do something with it. Perhaps I could make a shit airbag, like in “Men at Work”, or find a way to put it all in the trunks of the whores next door. Then again, I guess I could just light it all on fire on their doorstep in a ritual of purification. Nevertheless, attached are photos of the poop, and me, with a shit eating grin holding my prize aloft.
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Old 01-22-2006, 01:22 PM   #76
John Matrix
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Sorry, there bro' I've already scored mine. Off the market.


I hope those tears don't dehydrate you. You might need to take a piss during halftime. With any luck, you might actually be able to see your dick--of course you'd probably need a bulldozer to push that paunch aside.
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Old 01-22-2006, 01:35 PM   #77
Jenson71 Jenson71 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Matrix
Sorry, there bro' I've already scored mine. Off the market.
Seems she's not giving you enough attention.
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Old 01-22-2006, 02:01 PM   #78
stumppy stumppy is offline
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[quote=Phobia]Listen to me closely, Howdy Doody.
[quote]




Nailed it.
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Old 01-22-2006, 03:19 PM   #79
Phobia Phobia is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Matrix
Sorry, there bro' I've already scored mine. Off the market.


I hope those tears don't dehydrate you. You might need to take a piss during halftime. With any luck, you might actually be able to see your dick--of course you'd probably need a bulldozer to push that paunch aside.
Dude, work on your smack and check back when you have something fresh. Let me give you some material. You could make fun of my horse teeth by calling me Elway or something like that. Maybe Nancy Kerrigan. Yeah - I think you should go with that.
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Old 01-22-2006, 04:09 PM   #80
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So I'm getting a smack lecture from a guy whose best response was "I don't need a formula to count to 2". I've got a great idea--why don't you go w/ some "yo' momma" jokes to hone that razor's edge you have on your wit there.
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Old 01-22-2006, 04:24 PM   #81
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I've learned to dumb down my responses depending upon my target. I'll stand by that response.

I don't need a formula to count to 2.
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Old 01-22-2006, 04:25 PM   #82
LocoChiefsFan LocoChiefsFan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Matrix
Any the mayor burns down her bar for insurance money...
She's not the mayor anymore. She resigned. I heard she didn't clean the dog poo out her yard either.Crickers rule, LOL! I haven't heard that word since I was a teenager. They still use it??
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Old 01-22-2006, 04:43 PM   #83
chiefs4me chiefs4me is offline
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[quote=John Matrix][quote=John Matrix]I'm sure I'll get flamed on this board because I'm not part of your world class wrecking crew, but quite frankly, I don't give a ****.
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Need I say more. Do your 'minions' get extra rations from you for helping you fight the big, bad Matrix?



Chiefsplanet Royalty says, "Why have women when you can grow your own breasts".

Nice rack.





damn, whose the babe???
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Old 01-22-2006, 04:49 PM   #84
Fairplay Fairplay is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Matrix
I am a graduate student in a small college town. As many of you know, college towns are notorious for their shitty housing.


And thats what this post is about...shit.


I am not particularly good with authority. If I was a professional athlete, I’d probably be a locker room cancer because I hate having people tell me what to do, especially when I don’t think they are as capable as I am in a given task. I’m an elitist and a dickhead, in short, but sometimes it’s entertaining.


Your'e a dickhead that is true.


through the grass in order to travel the unbearable 30 foot distance. Perhaps that’s because after seeing one of them for the first time, my mommy said, “you could serve dinner on that girl’s ass.”—after all it must be stressful.

Your mommy?


Of course, these girls have to be in a sorority, because all overweight annoying girls whose parents pay their way are always in a sorority. But yet it’s inconvenient for them to not walk on the sidewalk because they don’t want to walk in my dog’s poop, as if dog shit is somehow hard to locate. You’d think that girls who spend the majority of their post-secondary education on their knees would at least have a passing familiarity with the ground. Nevertheless, I have always committed a cardinal sin whenever they happen to step in poop. Big deal I figure, after all, it’s only dog shit—wipe it off in the grass you love to walk in so much, and go blow some guy with a popped collar.

This guy has low self esteem. The above statement says it all.


I love irony. For example, these girls are so scandalized by the excretion of an animal that eats a diet far healthier than nearly all people do, yet they willingly swallow the ejaculate of men they don’t even know.

Sounds like you are jealous because they won't blow you.

Alas, I am not the king of the universe, so perhaps I shouldn’t judge. Well, as bitches are wont to do, they bitched, complaining to our landlords numerous times about the piles of poop in the yard. I complied for the most part and picked them up whenever the incessant complaining would get unbearable, but after winter break I said to myself, “**** it,” and didn’t pick up a piece of crap for about six weeks.


I call that type a person a low-life.


I was fortunate that a layer of snow concealed the shit for the most part, but now unseasonable weather has melted the snow off, exposing, well…a shitload of shit.
I got a letter from my landlord today informing me...


Informing you that you are nothing but white trash?


Nevertheless, attached are photos of the poop, and me, with a shit eating grin holding my prize aloft.

I bet that pic will make your mommy proud.
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Old 01-22-2006, 05:04 PM   #85
beavis beavis is offline
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I can't believe I just spent 5 minutes reading a thread about some dickheads bag of dogshit.
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Old 01-22-2006, 05:15 PM   #86
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I think it is funny as hell as you keep coming back on here for a validation that someone will talk to you... Obviously you have a problem with it by making fun of fat chicks and then posting a blog about it, and you keep coming back here even though you do not give a ****??? I think you have some social interaction problems...
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Old 01-22-2006, 05:22 PM   #87
John Matrix
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fairplay
I bet that pic will make your mommy proud.

Check the original post douchebag, that's not what I typed. Do you like to add extra letters to other people's posts as much as you like to jam anal beads up your chute?
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Old 01-22-2006, 05:26 PM   #88
Fairplay Fairplay is offline
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Hang your head in shame Matrix for such a demeaning post.

Hang your head in shame.


Words of wisdom that apply to you.

Proverbs 26:11

"As a dog that returns to his vomit, so is a fool who repeats his folly."
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Old 01-22-2006, 05:28 PM   #89
John Matrix
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Valiant
I think it is funny as hell as you keep coming back on here for a validation that someone will talk to you... Obviously you have a problem with it by making fun of fat chicks and then posting a blog about it, and you keep coming back here even though you do not give a ****??? I think you have some social interaction problems...

And yet you feel the need to prove your point, and try and talk some shit to me. If I'm such a low life, why waste your time? I find you and those of your ilk to be amusing, but I put no stock in what you say. You worship a morbidly obese guy who moderates a message board about a football team. What are you, a janitor, waiter perhaps? I'm sure you are the bastion of the societal hierarchy, but more likely you just like to try and gang up on me cause I'm not one of Phobia's jag offs. But I'll say it again, I don't give a **** what you say, or what you think. I can dish it out, and I can take it to. I don't need validation from you, Fairplay, Phobia, or any of these ****nuts, but I'll talk shit with you until I'm blue in the face. I'm that goddamned stubborn, so deal with it. If you don't like it, then ban me, or shut the **** up, cause you sure as hell aren't going to win this argument. If I want to bash people for being too damned stupid to walk on a sidewalk intstead of through grass in the middle of winter, then that's my decision, and I think that it carries some logic to it....pot, kettle, anyone?
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Old 01-22-2006, 05:33 PM   #90
John Matrix
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Originally Posted by Fairplay
Hang your head in shame Matrix for such a demeaning post.

Hang your head in shame.


Words of wisdom that apply to you.

Proverbs 26:11

"As a dog that returns to his vomit, so is a fool who repeats his folly."

Here's some words of wisdom for you, people who quote the Bible on message boards have about as much brain mass as that bag of shit I was hamming it up with.

Knight 1:1

"When my time on earth is gone, and my activities here are passed, I want they bury me upside down, and my critics can kiss my ass."

And to you Phobia, Knight 1:2

"You couldn't lead a whore to bed."

If you all are so scandalized by my dastardly actions, then go join up for another shift of the neighborhood watch in your shitty little suburban lives, maybe you can get off at a PTA meeting where you try and ban a book because it might actually say something important about society.

I guess I forgot one important thing...most of you are products of a state that will fight to the death for 'intelligent design'...I guess the apples and the trees aren't far apart in that regard.
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