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Old 01-21-2006, 06:08 PM  
John Matrix
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A Truly Sh*tty Experience

I am a graduate student in a small college town. As many of you know, college towns are notorious for their shitty housing. Most of the residences in town are run down, and the somewhat nice ones are generally priced as though they are on the upper west side of Manhattan. What makes things worse are the endless petty ordinances that landlords often put up in order to discourage prospective renters, or make their lives a living hell.

I am not particularly good with authority. If I was a professional athlete, I’d probably be a locker room cancer because I hate having people tell me what to do, especially when I don’t think they are as capable as I am in a given task. I’m an elitist and a dickhead, in short, but sometimes it’s entertaining.

My current neighbors are trifling bitches. Despite the fact that there is a newly paved sidewalk that leads directly to the asphalt pad on which their cars are parked, for some reason they feel the need to traipse through the grass in order to travel the unbearable 30 foot distance. Perhaps that’s because after seeing one of them for the first time, my mom said, “you could serve dinner on that girl’s ass.”—after all it must be stressful.

Of course, these girls have to be in a sorority, because all overweight annoying girls whose parents pay their way are always in a sorority. It’s one of the axioms of the universe, right up their with the constant of the speed of light. These ‘sorostitutes’ always seem to have a sense of entitlement somewhere north of Maurice Clarett. It makes living next to them, well a pain in the ass. It’s ok when they are up til 4 am playing music over their very shitty speakers (I could tolerate it if it weren’t for the suck ass sound coming from their goddamn shelf system piece of monkey shit), but yet it’s inconvenient for them to not walk on the sidewalk because they don’t want to walk in my dog’s poop, as if dog shit is somehow hard to locate. You’d think that girls who spend the majority of their post-secondary education on their knees would at least have a passing familiarity with the ground. Nevertheless, I have always committed a cardinal sin whenever they happen to step in poop. Big deal I figure, after all, it’s only dog shit—wipe it off in the grass you love to walk in so much, and go blow some guy with a popped collar.

I love irony. For example, these girls are so scandalized by the excretion of an animal that eats a diet far healthier than nearly all people do, yet they willingly swallow the ejaculate of men they don’t even know. Alas, I am not the king of the universe, so perhaps I shouldn’t judge. Well, as bitches are wont to do, they bitched, complaining to our landlords numerous times about the piles of poop in the yard. I complied for the most part and picked them up whenever the incessant complaining would get unbearable, but after winter break I said to myself, “**** it,” and didn’t pick up a piece of crap for about six weeks. I was fortunate that a layer of snow concealed the shit for the most part, but now unseasonable weather has melted the snow off, exposing, well…a shitload of shit.

I got a letter from my landlord today informing me that if I did not pick up the poop today that I would be forced to move my dog out. Well **** that I thought to myself. I considered various forms of retribution, but in the end figured what the hell and picked all the shit up. I now have a 30 gallon trash bag filled with at least 25 pounds of dog poop in it (6 weeks of poop for a 60 pound dog is a lot of shit). Thus I have complied with the wishes of my landlord, but now I have all this shit that is just itching for me to do something with it. Perhaps I could make a shit airbag, like in “Men at Work”, or find a way to put it all in the trunks of the whores next door. Then again, I guess I could just light it all on fire on their doorstep in a ritual of purification. Nevertheless, attached are photos of the poop, and me, with a shit eating grin holding my prize aloft.
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File Type: jpg MatrixPoop1.JPG (49.5 KB, 257 views)
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Old 01-22-2006, 05:44 PM   #91
KcMizzou KcMizzou is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by beavis
I can't believe I just spent 5 minutes reading a thread about some dickheads bag of dogshit.


My thoughts, exactly.
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Old 01-22-2006, 05:44 PM   #92
Phobia Phobia is offline
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The theme of this thread thus far has been shit, man-breasts, my dick, and anal beads. I'm just sayin...
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Old 01-22-2006, 05:45 PM   #93
Pants Pants is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Matrix
Here's some words of wisdom for you, people who quote the Bible on message boards have about as much brain mass as that bag of shit I was hamming it up with.

Knight 1:1

"When my time on earth is gone, and my activities here are passed, I want they bury me upside down, and my critics can kiss my ass."

And to you Phobia, Knight 1:2

"You couldn't lead a whore to bed."

If you all are so scandalized by my dastardly actions, then go join up for another shift of the neighborhood watch in your shitty little suburban lives, maybe you can get off at a PTA meeting where you try and ban a book because it might actually say something important about society.

I guess I forgot one important thing...most of you are products of a state that will fight to the death for 'intelligent design'...I guess the apples and the trees aren't far apart in that regard.
Your and idiot. And you're absolutely clueless. You actually think that you pose some kind of a threat or something to the people you're "arguing" with? They've dealt with morons like you for 5.5 years now. Me being one of those morons. Either A. You mature and realize how much of jackass you were and become a valuable member of this community or B. You fade out like the rest of the idiots who thought they were the shit.

Good luck either way.
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Old 01-22-2006, 05:46 PM   #94
John Matrix
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phobia
The theme of this thread thus far has been shit, man-breasts, my dick, and anal beads. I'm just sayin...
Hall of Classics.
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Old 01-22-2006, 05:49 PM   #95
Fairplay Fairplay is offline
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The question of the day is.............
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Old 01-22-2006, 05:53 PM   #96
John Matrix
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Metrolike
Your and idiot. And you're absolutely clueless. You actually think that you pose some kind of a threat or something to the people you're "arguing" with? They've dealt with morons like you for 5.5 years now. Me being one of those morons. Either A. You mature and realize how much of jackass you were and become a valuable member of this community or B. You fade out like the rest of the idiots who thought they were the shit.

Good luck either way.
I don't think I pose a 'threat' to anyone on this board, considering that this is an entirely electronic conversation. Perhaps that should be directed someone like Valiant who started talking shit last night like he just put down Bas Rutten.

So by maturity should I grow a salt and pepper mullet and a beer gut that looks like I'm nine months pregnant like most of these cyber-badasses, or should I cower in fear b/c a mod might, gasp, ban me?

You think I give a rat **** about who they've dealt with in the past? Everyone seemed to think this thread was funny until Phobia threw a hissy fit. The rest of his Pals4Life simply joined in to help out their bestest buddy in the world, showing him that the true meaning of community is a circle jerk. So go towel the spuge off of your faces and go get your ****ing shinebox, mo'****er.
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Old 01-22-2006, 06:01 PM   #97
chiefs4me chiefs4me is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Phobia
The theme of this thread thus far has been shit, man-breasts, my dick, and anal beads. I'm just sayin...






ahhh, is there more pictures??
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Old 01-22-2006, 06:03 PM   #98
Pants Pants is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Matrix
I don't think I pose a 'threat' to anyone on this board, considering that this is an entirely electronic conversation. Perhaps that should be directed someone like Valiant who started talking shit last night like he just put down Bas Rutten.

So by maturity should I grow a salt and pepper mullet and a beer gut that looks like I'm nine months pregnant like most of these cyber-badasses, or should I cower in fear b/c a mod might, gasp, ban me?

You think I give a rat **** about who they've dealt with in the past? Everyone seemed to think this thread was funny until Phobia threw a hissy fit. The rest of his Pals4Life simply joined in to help out their bestest buddy in the world, showing him that the true meaning of community is a circle jerk. So go towel the spuge off of your faces and go get your ****ing shinebox, mo'****er.
No, by maturity, you should stop stereotyping people like a ****ing retard that you are.

Nobody thought this thread was funny, not before Phobia got in nor after. Your original post just shows how much of a dumbass you really are.

The only cyber badass on this thread is you, intraweb thuggin4life n1gga!!!oneone

One of the things you don't understand though, is that people don't want to ban you because they're afraid of putting up with such an internet badass as you, they're just tired of morons like you and the annoyances you bring. Some (like Phobia, BobDole) think your stupidity is funny, others think it's annoying. I don't give a shit either way, I'm just trying to tell you how it is.
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Old 01-22-2006, 06:03 PM   #99
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The question of the day is.............









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Old 01-22-2006, 06:07 PM   #100
Phobia Phobia is offline
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I swear SlimShady is adopted and we've just discovered Tom Cash's real son.
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Old 01-22-2006, 06:19 PM   #101
stumppy stumppy is offline
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I swear SlimShady is adopted and we've just discovered Tom Cash's real son.



I don't care who you are, that there was funny.
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Old 01-22-2006, 06:19 PM   #102
Fairplay Fairplay is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by John Matrix
No porch, although my landlords might...It's the bitches next door that I truly can't stand. There is central air in the apartments, perhaps I can find a way to put shit on the intake so their house smells like poop?


What a stand up guy. Try to find a way to put the poop in the intake
so the house smells like poop.

Also you called your nieghbors next door bitches that you can't stand.

I think they made fun of you and called you a nerd and a pencil dick pathetic loser.

You know they were right so you hate them for that. Admit it.
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Old 01-22-2006, 06:23 PM   #103
Bowser Bowser is offline
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And here I thought Matrix was trying to chronicle Taco's roadie to the AFC Championship game.
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Old 01-22-2006, 06:25 PM   #104
Demonpenz Demonpenz is offline
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i would just jack off in their face wash stuff.
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Old 01-22-2006, 06:26 PM   #105
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I have no doubt he hates the neighbor girls because they rejected him. My god, get a look at his pic. Can you blame them?
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