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Old 02-06-2006, 12:12 AM  
Rain Man Rain Man is offline
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My discovery of the world's most annoying human.

Okay, I'm not very popular so I never get invited anywhere. However, my wife is popular, so she gets invited lots of places, and the host usually (not always) invites me along as part of a package deal.

So she/we get invited to a Super Bowl party today, and it's the same party we've gone to for about three years now. Nice host, big screen TV, below-average food, but it's free, so I'm not complaining, especially since they had some really big chocolate cookies this year. The other thing that helps is that the host lives about two miles from us, so it's an easy trip.

Well, we showed up today, and the first thing I notice is that the game is on, but no one's watching it, and I find that kind of weird. Everyone is milling about like it's a regular party, and not a party where the entire future of the football world is being determined on 60 inches of television twelve feet away. I start to get some crab dip, but before I can even get any food, some chick starts talking to me and I'm trapped there for fifteen minutes without food and WITH MY BACK TO THE TV! What is wrong with people today?

After a while, she begins to figure out my personality and makes an excuse to leave, and I get my food. I scout out the area, and find a nice quiet spot where I can eat my food and watch the game in peace, even though it's so loud that I can't hear anything and just have to watch it like I'm in a sports bar. I find a nice bar stool set up behind the couch, which is part of a line of bar stools that is completely vacant.

I watch about 20 minutes of the game in peace, and then this dude shows up with his fiance. They're both about 50 to 60, and this guy plants himself on a bar stool next to me and just starts blathering, and it's all this weird stuff that's just flat-out annoying.

Him: (Blather, blather, blather.) Who are you rooting for?

Me: Seattle.

Him: Oh. Yeah. You're one of those. You know what I mean? You're one of those. [Pats me on the leg]

Me: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Him: I don't care about the teams. I just pick one. [Extremely loud screeching noise when Seattle gets a first down. People turn and look at him. He makes the screeching noise again and pats me on the arm.]

Him: I saw a TV show last night. It was about animals. Do you like animals. I like animals. [Yells] THEY'RE F***ING GREAT! [People avoid us even more than they would normally avoid me.]

Me: Yeah. I have pets.

Him: I don't understand you people that don't like animals. I used to have a pet store.

Me: I like animals. I have pets.

Him: This TV show was great. It [blather, blather, blather for longer than the TV show could have lasted.] Hey, am I bothering you?

Me: How about those Seahawks?

Him: [Pats me on the leg. Blather, blather, blather. Screeches at Pittsburgh first down. Startles a nearby child and the mother glares at him.]

Him: [Blather, blather, blather, punctuated by a dozen or more arm punches or leg pats, and many screeches. I'm not even looking at him by this time, just nodding occasionally and watching the game. He asks twice more if he's bothering me, but doesn't take the hint and just keeps talking.]

Him: Hey, it's halftime! The Stones! [Yells way, way, way too loud] HEY, TURN UP THE TV! IT'S THE STONES! THE STONES! [People glare at him, and his fiance comes over and whispers something in his ear.]

Him: Hey, do you like the Rolling Stones?

Me: No.

Him: Ha, ha, ha.

And then it happened. I swear on the soul of my ancestors that it happened. This man, whom I had never before seen in my life, and who has been annoying the marrow out of my very bones for nearly a half-hour, did it. He reached over, and...

he...

tousled...

my....

hair.

This Baby Boomer man reached over, and he did the little squiggle thing with his hand on top of my head.

Who in the name of baby Michael Vick EVER does that to another person, in any circumstance, at any time, for any reason? This man wasn't drunk, he wasn't a mongoloid, and he wasn't a blind man with a hobby of phrenology. He was a man who, for some inexplicable reason that is known only to himself, thought that it would be a friendly bonding moment to reach over, place his hand on my bald head, and muss up the 24 remaining hairs that hunker atop it like the last defenders of Corregidor. What in the name of all that is holy and good was this person thinking about?

If the Nobel committee ever starts up a new prize for annoying, this guy is getting my nomination vote. Unbelievable.

Just to end the story, I got up and left at that point. Game over. I went and stood with another group of people, and this guy finally got up and wandered off.

Last edited by Rain Man; 02-06-2006 at 12:27 AM..
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Old 02-06-2006, 12:14 AM   #2
'Hamas' Jenkins 'Hamas' Jenkins is offline
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What would you have paid on eBay for a piece of Fiber Wire at this point?
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Old 02-06-2006, 12:16 AM   #3
Simplex3 Simplex3 is offline
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I hate Super Bowl parties where the party takes the front seat to the game. That's why I always host now. When people start talking I just keep turning up the game until they get the hint and leave the room.
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Old 02-06-2006, 12:21 AM   #4
Rain Man Rain Man is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 'Hamas' Jenkins
What would you have paid on eBay for a piece of Fiber Wire at this point?
Is that like a taser? Because if so, I'd have bought it. I think it would have been best for society if this guy had been convulsing on the floor for a while.
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Old 02-06-2006, 12:34 AM   #5
greg63 greg63 is offline
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Sounds like he has sanity issues; must have forgotten his meds.
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greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.
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Old 02-06-2006, 12:58 AM   #6
stumppy stumppy is offline
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I don't know, but from all the attention he was showing you. The patting on the leg ( HELLO RED ALERT) and the other physical contact, the hair thing, I'd bet he was wanting to play a little slobber on the salami with you.
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Old 02-06-2006, 01:01 AM   #7
Logical Logical is offline
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I suppose punching him for touching your head was not within the bounds of socially acceptable behavior? I might have anyway.
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Old 02-06-2006, 01:03 AM   #8
greg63 greg63 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stumppy
I don't know, but from all the attention he was showing you. The patting on the leg ( HELLO RED ALERT) and the other physical contact, the hair thing, I'd bet he was wanting to play a little slobber on the salami with you.

That's what I kinda thought also; the man being there with his fiancÚ sounded like he might be looking for a little bi action.


But, I guess that is assuming the fiancÚ is female.
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Last edited by greg63; 02-06-2006 at 01:08 AM..
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greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.greg63 has just been standing around suckin' on a big ol' chili dog.
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Old 02-06-2006, 05:39 AM   #9
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Old 02-06-2006, 05:50 AM   #10
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You shoulda started talking up Bobby Hebert as a great quarterback. That always drives people away.
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Old 02-06-2006, 06:09 AM   #11
the Talking Can the Talking Can is offline
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just fart loudly
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Old 02-06-2006, 06:53 AM   #12
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You sure the guy wasn't drunk? Maybe he was snorting blow or something. Definitely sounds like he was inebriated.
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Old 02-06-2006, 08:26 AM   #13
trndobrd trndobrd is offline
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look familiar?
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Old 02-06-2006, 08:38 AM   #14
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Wow. Nice storytelling effort. I'm sorry for your experience.
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Old 02-06-2006, 08:47 AM   #15
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that is exactly the reason I don't go to super bowl parties anymore.

it seems that if there is more than 5 people watching a game, it becomes more a social event than people just watching a game.
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