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Old 04-23-2006, 12:14 AM  
Douche Baggins Douche Baggins is online now
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Don't shave your ass hair!

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I have recently made a mistake in my life, and I offer my story to you, that you may learn from my error. It all started, as many things do, with me having trouble shitting.

No, I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration, with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop, but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling.

Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear, especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke, start wiping, and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold.

I was contemplating this problem, when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. "Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair, right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair, and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!" I said to myself.

It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. "How many Indians could there be?" said by General Custer. "Looks like a good day for a drive!" by JFK. "There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea.

I performed the operation that night, with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom, and shaving from the crack to the cheeks, I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally, I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime, which I did by wiping it on the towel.

Slowly, my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally, I wiped the razor one last time, and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled, satisfied, thinking my troubles were over.

Little did I know.

I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created, it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one, it provides friction. I learned this the next day, when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat, I started to notice something unpleasant.

The sweat was accumulating in my crack, and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off, but had to get to class. Eventually, I thought, it would dry.

Unfortunately, it did dry, but only after mingling with the microscopic shit- molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class, my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky shit/sweat combination.

As I made my way back to my dorm, it started to itch. God-DAMN, did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away, I rushed back to the dorm.

Unfortunately again, this exertion caused me to sweat, and when I finally reached my room, my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants, and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks.

As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart, a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all, as the ripe aroma of festering shit/sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face.

I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there, fighting vomit, my ass cheeks spread and dripping, with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own shit blowing right into my face, I had only one thought: "It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."

Later on, trying to deal as best I could, wiping my ass at every opportunity, I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart, only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently, with no hair, the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together, and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil.

As if that wasn't enough, I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows, when hair is first growing in, it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad.

Well, that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture, and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat, rather than endure this constant agony.

Friends, DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR!
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Old 04-23-2006, 12:20 AM   #2
Halfcan Halfcan is offline
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I hadn't planned on shaving my ass- but thanks for the advice.
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Old 04-23-2006, 12:21 AM   #3
BWillie BWillie is offline
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Wow, this is really disturbing. Did you think of this on your own?? LOL
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Old 04-23-2006, 12:22 AM   #4
CoMoChief CoMoChief is offline
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Use a nair type product. It's somtimes messy but works. I've had no problems with it.
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Old 04-23-2006, 12:22 AM   #5
alnorth alnorth is offline
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I would have gone in with a pair of scissors and just trimmed it down a bit to clear a path for #2. A full shave just sounds dumb.
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Old 04-23-2006, 12:32 AM   #6
Dunit35 Dunit35 is offline
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Shaving would probably leave some sort of irritation down there, which would make it very uncomfortable.
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Old 04-23-2006, 12:34 AM   #7
luv luv is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dunit35
Shaving would probably leave some sort of irritation down there, which would make it very uncomfortable.
Hmmm....

Good point.


And men want women to shave more than just their legs?

Use moiturizing soap. It's only irritating the first few times.
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Old 04-23-2006, 12:41 AM   #8
Dunit35 Dunit35 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luv2rite
Hmmm....

Good point.


And men want women to shave more than just their legs?

Use moiturizing soap. It's only irritating the first few times.

I personally have never shaven my ass before and probably never will. Now my pride and joy is a different story.
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Old 04-23-2006, 12:42 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dunit35
I personally have never shaven my ass before and probably never will. Now my pride and joy is a different story.
I know a guy who uses Nair for that. Same thing. He said it was irritating for the first few days, but he got used to it.
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Old 04-23-2006, 12:44 AM   #10
Dunit35 Dunit35 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luv2rite
I know a guy who uses Nair for that. Same thing. He said it was irritating for the first few days, but he got used to it.

Still couldn't do it. I've gotten rid of everything down there before and it was driving me insane...itching all the time. Never again will I do what a girl asks me to do.
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Old 04-23-2006, 12:48 AM   #11
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dunit35
Still couldn't do it. I've gotten rid of everything down there before and it was driving me insane...itching all the time. Never again will I do what a girl asks me to do.
I've heard hot wax works really well.




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Old 04-23-2006, 12:50 AM   #12
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Old 04-23-2006, 12:54 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by luv2rite
I've heard hot wax works really well.





not cool....wow I bet that burns...I don't know if it hurts as bad getting poison ivy lotion on your spot....that had to be the worst feeling of all time.
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Old 04-23-2006, 12:56 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dunit35
not cool....wow I bet that burns...I don't know if it hurts as bad getting poison ivy lotion on your spot....that had to be the worst feeling of all time.
Okay, this is a story you need to tell in more detail.
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Old 04-23-2006, 01:01 AM   #15
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Quote:
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Okay, this is a story you need to tell in more detail.

No can do, my father gets on here.
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