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Old 11-19-2006, 09:56 PM  
DeezNutz DeezNutz is offline
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KANSAS CITY, Mo. - Two distinct thoughts crossed the mind in those wild final seconds, after the Oakland Raiders reached the Chiefs' 8, first and goal, four chances to pull the upset.

Thought 1: "Oh my gosh, the Chiefs are going to lose this game. They are going to lose at home to one of the worst teams in recent memory. And then the season is over, finito, they can't recover from a loss this bad. The playoffs are out of the question, the season is flat over, done, kaput, finished, through, the Chiefs are cooked before Thanksgiving ... "

Thought 2: "Oh, wait. Never mind. These are the Raiders."

These are the Raiders. This isn't a football team, it's a sitcom. The offensive coordinator, Tom Walsh, ran a bed and breakfast the last six years. The team's most prominent player, Randy Moss, seems to be despised by everyone on the team. The head coach, Art Shell, talks as if he were just jolted out of a long and not-too-refreshing nap. The owner, Al Davis, acts like some aging rock star still traveling the country and playing his 1967 hit song at local VFW halls.

All you need is actor Tom Poston as some wacky neighbor who lives in the basement and you could put this on Tuesday nights, right after "According to Jim."

It was stunning that these Raiders were actually in position to win this game in the final seconds. For that, you can credit a Chiefs team that was missing four pretty important starters and decided to unveil their special two-part Raiders game plan this week:

Part 1: The Raiders will screw it up.

Part 2: Let them.

So the Chiefs did absolutely nothing_they didn't even let quarterback Trent Green out from behind the bulletproof glass until the fourth quarter_and for most of the game, the Raiders made only moderate attempts to lose. Sure, they would have the occasional costly holding penalty, a bad snap now and then, some missed tackles, various amusing problems lining up. But all in all, the Raiders spent the first 50 minutes or so pretending to be a real professional football team, and the Chiefs let them pretend.

Then, with the Raiders up three points and about than 4 minutes left, the Chiefs decided to go for it on fourth down and 1 from deep in their own end. This could have been a disastrous decision, and it would have made no sense at all except_well, these are the Raiders. Oakland's Terdell Sands yanked Johnson's face mask, a fat 15-yard penalty, and the Chiefs were off. They drove down the field, Johnson scored a touchdown and the Chiefs led 17-13. Less than 2 minutes remained.

Then the Raiders, as only they can, sprang into action. First, quarterback Aaron Brooks announced he had cramps in his hands and couldn't move his thumb or middle finger. These are fairly critical digits when it comes to throwing footballs. So the Raiders put in Andrew Walter, who has been a fountain of comedy genius this year. He has been sacked 40 times. He has thrown some of the worst passes in recent memory. He entered the game with a passer rating of 54.6. It's hard to be much lower than that. If you throw 50 passes and all are incomplete, you still have a 39.5 passer rating. So there you go.

Walter stumbled around for a while, threw wildly, hit a pass, got sacked, and then Brooks announced he could move his thumb. He limped heroically into the game (apparently his calf was cramping, too). He whipped a 13-yard pass to Randal Williams. Then he threw a 39-yarder to Ronald Curry. The Oakland players jumped around like seniors on graduation day. They were on the Chiefs 8, in position to actually win the game. Brooks limped to the sideline to discuss possibilities with the Raiders' brain trust. Luckily, we got a bootleg recording of the conversation that took place.

Brooks: "What do we do now?"

Shell: (Inaudible)

Walsh: "You know, I faced a similar situation at the Hansen Guest Ranch bed and breakfast in Swan Valley, Idaho."

Brooks: "What did you do?"

Walsh: "Crullers. People love crullers."

Shell: (Inaudible)

Brooks: "You know, I could just run up to the line and talk to one of the other offensive linemen while the center snaps the ball to nobody."

Walsh: "No, we did that last week. OK, forget crullers. How about we just serve a continental breakfast, you know, a nice assortment of fruit and breads?"

Shell: (Inaudible)

Brooks limped back onto the field. At this point, we should probably offer a quick thought about Randy Moss. Do you remember when some people thought Moss was going to change the way football was played? He did not catch a pass Sunday. He did not come close to catching a pass Sunday. He has become utterly useless as a player. And when asked why Moss was no factor Sunday, Shell did sort of speak.

He said: "Moss is . . . um . . . um . . . the quarterback makes the decision where to throw the ball."

OK. The quarterback should know. So what do you say, Aaron Brooks?

"You'll have to ask Randy," Brooks said.

Great. OK, Randy, what's going on?

"I'm not talking," Moss said.

That should clear things up. Anyway, with the game on the line, Brooks went into the huddle, looked into his teammates' eyes and he knew: It was time to lose the game right then and there. He dropped back, looked around, saw Moss and fired the ball to . . . nobody. Well, not nobody. There were two Chiefs defenders there. One was rookie Jarrad Page, who intercepted the ball, thus clinching another classic Raiders loss.

We didn't learn much about the Chiefs on Sunday except they're not very good without Brian Waters, Tony Gonzalez and Derrick Johnson, and they are still a bit wary about letting Trent Green play. We'll find out a whole lot more Thanksgiving night against Denver.

But on this day, it was just fun to watch this amazing Raiders team do what it does best. Afterward, Brooks muttered that on the last play there was a miscommunication_he was expecting Moss to run inside and instead Moss ran behind the defenders_but we know for certain that there couldn't have been a miscommunication. As far as we can tell, nobody on the Raiders team talks to Randy Moss.
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Old 11-19-2006, 10:00 PM   #2
KurtCobain KurtCobain is offline
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Old 11-19-2006, 10:02 PM   #3
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Old 11-19-2006, 10:03 PM   #4
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Old 11-19-2006, 10:04 PM   #5
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LOL that was a nice article. The faders are the worst team in the NFL.
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Old 11-19-2006, 10:05 PM   #6
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How many times in a row have we beat their sorry azzes now??
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Old 11-19-2006, 10:06 PM   #7
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Old 11-19-2006, 10:09 PM   #8
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Old 11-19-2006, 10:12 PM   #9
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How many times in a row have we beat their sorry azzes now??
I believe its 7.
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Old 11-19-2006, 10:12 PM   #10
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Old 11-19-2006, 10:26 PM   #11
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"...We didn't learn much about the Chiefs on Sunday except they're not very good without Brian Waters, Tony Gonzalez and Derrick Johnson, and they are still a bit wary about letting Trent Green play. We'll find out a whole lot more Thanksgiving night against Denver."

Amen to that. He can add that Tamba still seems to be hurting as well. He just does has not had that same Tamba intensity that he had before the hip pointer.

On Thanksgiving, I will be thankful to have everyone back healthy.
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Old 11-19-2006, 10:45 PM   #12
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Great smack talkin article.
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Old 11-19-2006, 10:47 PM   #13
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Yeah, that's focking great. And we're focking lucky. How many games have we won/lost buy a FG, TD or a missed comeback?

LOST:
Denver
Miami

WON:
Arizona
SD
Seattle
Oakland

Add to that: we won two games decisively and lost two decisively.
I'm really hoping we get it together and make the playoffs. I'd like nothing better.
I'm thrilled that if we beat Denver we're tied for 2nd in the Division and I think we can do it on Thursday. But this season has been damn close too many times for my comfort. I know I sound like a broken record here, but we need to play more consistently. Oh well, that's nothing new, right? But I thought our D was playing better five weeks ago. I mean, more thoroughly. Our red zone D has been pretty good. Our 2nd half D prety good. But the third and long performance lately has just been pathetic.

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Old 11-19-2006, 10:52 PM   #14
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Great article!
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Old 11-19-2006, 10:53 PM   #15
Rausch Rausch is offline
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Indeed.

We should be punking teams with 1/2 our starters riding pine. We're that ****ing good, with a 1st year head coach, that we should have 1st place locked up by now.

Reflect a moment on your comments...
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