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Old 02-08-2007, 01:11 AM  
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Steve Martin on 72 virgins...

Steve Martin has another take on the '72 virgins' that the 9-11 hijackers met in Heaven on the morning of Sept 11, 2001 ..............

# 50 is my favorite. :-)
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SEVENTY-TWO VIRGINS
by STEVE MARTIN
Issue of 2007-01-29
Posted 2007-01-22

Virgin No. 1: Yuck.

Virgin No. 2: Ick.

Virgin No. 3: Ew.

Virgin No. 4: Ow.

Virgin No. 5: Do you like cats? I have fourteen!

Virgin No. 6: I’m Becky. I’ll be legal in two years.

Virgin No. 7: Here, I’ll just pull down your zipper. Oh, sorry!

Virgin No. 8: Can we cuddle first?

Virgin No. 9: It was a garlic-and-onion pizza. Why?

Virgin No. 10: . . . so I see Heath, and he goes, “Like, what are you doing here?,” and I go, “I’m hangin’ out,” so he goes, “Like, what?” . . .

Virgin No. 11: First you’re going to have to show me an up-to-date health certificate.

Virgin No. 12: Hurry! My parents are due home!

Virgin No. 13: Do you want the regular or the special?

Virgin No. 14: I’m eighty-four. So what?

Virgin No. 15: Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

Virgin No. 16: Even I know that’s tiny.

Virgin No. 17: “Do it”? Meaning what?

Virgin No. 18: I’m saving myself for Elvis.

Virgin No. 19: Somewhere on my body I have hidden a buffalo nickel.

Virgin No. 20: Don’t touch my hair!

Virgin No. 21: I hope you’re not going to sleep with me and then go sleep with seventy-one others.

Virgin No. 22: Do you mind if we listen to Mannheim Steamroller?

Virgin No. 23: Are you O.K. with the dog on the bed?

Virgin No. 24: Would you mind saying, “Could I see you in my office, Miss Witherspoon?”?

Virgin No. 25: Ride me! Ride me, Lucky Buck!

Virgin No. 26: You like your vanilla hot?

Virgin No. 27: Does Ookums like Snookums?

Virgin No. 28: It’s so romantic here, dead.

Virgin No. 29: Well, I’m a virgin, but my hand isn’t.

Virgin No. 30: You are in?

Virgin No. 31: Hi, cowboy. I just rode down from Brokeback Mountain.

Virgin No. 32: I’m a virgin because I’m so ugly.

Virgin No. 33: You like-ee?

Virgin No. 34: I’ll betcha you can’t get an erection. Go on, impress me. C’mon, show me. Show me, big shot.

Virgin No. 35: By the way, here in Heaven “virgin” has a slightly different meaning. It means “chatty.”

Virgin No. 36: Sure, I like you, but as a friend.

Virgin No. 37: No kissing. I save that for my boyfriend.

Virgin No. 38: I’m Zania, from the planet Xeron. My vagina is on my foot.

Virgin No. 39: It’s a lesion, and, no, I don’t know what kind.

Virgin No. 40: I’m Jewish. Why do you ask?

Virgin No. 41: Hi, I’m Becky. Oh, whoops—you again.

Virgin No. 42: I just love camping! Camping is so great! Can we go camping sometime?

Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m a single mom.

Virgin No. 44: You like my breasts? They were my graduation gift.

Virgin No. 45: When you’re done, you should really check out how cool this ceiling is.

Virgin No. 46: I’m almost there. Just another couple of hours.

Virgin No. 47: Get your own beer, you nitwit.

Virgin No. 48: No, you’ve got it wrong. We’re in the Paradise Casino.

Virgin No. 49: I really enjoyed that. Thank you very much. Gee, it’s late.

Virgin No. 50: You make me feel like a real woman. And after this is over I’m going to find one.

Virgin No. 51: What do you mean, “move a little”?

Virgin No. 52: Not now, I’m on my BlackBerry.

Virgin No. 53: I love it when you put on your pants and leave.

Virgin No. 54: We’ve been together twenty-four hours now, and, you know, sometimes it’s O.K. to say something mildly humorous.

Virgin No. 55: That was terrible. I should have listened to the other virgins.

Virgin No. 56: I think I found it. Is that it? Oh. Is this it? Oh, this must be it. No?

Virgin No. 57: It must be hot in here, because I know it’s not me.

Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles.

Virgin No. 59: Did you know that “virgin” is an anagram of Irving?

Virgin No. 60: First “Spamalot,” then sex.

Virgin No. 61: Great! I was hoping for circumcised.

Virgin No. 62: Was that it?

Virgin No. 63: Dang. George Clooney was being reckless on a motorcycle, but instead I got you.

Virgin No. 64: Tonight, I become a woman. But until then you can call me Bob.

Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why?

Virgin No. 66: We could do it here for free, or on a stage in Düsseldorf for money.

Virgin No. 67: I’m just Virgin No. 67 to you, right?

Virgin No. 68: Pee-yoo. Are you wearing Aramis?

Virgin No. 69: Condom, please.

Virgin No. 70: When was the last time you took a bath or washed your hair?

Virgin No. 71: I’m not very good at this, but let’s start with the Reverse Lotus Blossom.

Virgin No. 72: It was paradise, until you showed up.
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Old 02-08-2007, 01:25 AM   #2
noa noa is offline
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That's pretty funny.

I like B.J. Novak's take on 72 virgins (he's Ryan from The Office):

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Old 02-08-2007, 04:19 AM   #3
greg63 greg63 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Guru
...Virgin No. 30: You are in?


Virgin No. 58: Those are my testicles...
Those two made me laugh out loud.
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Old 02-08-2007, 08:25 AM   #4
StcChief StcChief is offline
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Virgin No. 43: In the spirit of full disclosure, I’m a single mom.
No surprise.
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Old 02-08-2007, 08:26 AM   #5
BigRedChief BigRedChief is offline
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Gots to call bs on the author. Sure looks like one of those Andy Rooney/Ted nugent/ Bill Gates kind of things
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Old 02-08-2007, 10:12 AM   #6
KcMizzou KcMizzou is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigRedChief
Gots to call bs on the author. Sure looks like one of those Andy Rooney/Ted nugent/ Bill Gates kind of things
It's obviously George Carlin.

Everything on the internet is George Carlin.
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Old 02-08-2007, 10:26 AM   #7
InChiefsHell InChiefsHell is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigRedChief
Gots to call bs on the author. Sure looks like one of those Andy Rooney/Ted nugent/ Bill Gates kind of things
My thought exactly, but it was pretty funny.

...it's kinda like in the movie Roxanne with Steve Martin, when he has to come up with like 20 ways to insult the size of his nose...that's probably where the idea that it was Steve Martin came from.
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Old 02-08-2007, 10:33 AM   #8
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Virgin No. 65: They’re called “adult diapers.” Why?
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Old 02-08-2007, 12:17 PM   #9
RJ RJ is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigRedChief
Gots to call bs on the author. Sure looks like one of those Andy Rooney/Ted nugent/ Bill Gates kind of things

I thought the same thing, but apparently it really is Steve Martin. I don't know if it's THE Steve Martin, but....


http://www.newyorker.com/shouts/cont..._shouts_martin


By the way, I really hate those chain e-mails you're referring to. I'm always amazed when I receive them from people I know to be perfectly intelligent most of the time yet somehow believe that Andy Rooney went on a racist tirade during a segment of 60 Minutes.
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Old 02-08-2007, 12:21 PM   #10
crazycoffey crazycoffey is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RJ
I thought the same thing, but apparently it really is Steve Martin. I don't know if it's THE Steve Martin, but....


http://www.newyorker.com/shouts/cont..._shouts_martin


By the way, I really hate those chain e-mails you're referring to. I'm always amazed when I receive them from people I know to be perfectly intelligent most of the time yet somehow believe that Andy Rooney went on a racist tirade during a segment of 60 Minutes.




I couldn't find proof for or against it being steve, this is good information.

I usually just use random search tatics or snopes.com for many questionable emails. Then if it's true I may forward it, if it's false I reply to all and paste the results. This has done one thing effectively, cut down on stupid emails, either by education or removal from their email list. Either way, I'm happier.
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Old 02-08-2007, 01:01 PM   #11
El Jefe El Jefe is offline
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Pretty funny stuff I like the 30 second youtube clip thats really funny.
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Old 02-08-2007, 04:14 PM   #12
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Its definitely the real Steve Martin. He writes things like these for the New Yorker from time to time.
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Old 02-08-2007, 06:29 PM   #13
Thig Lyfe Thig Lyfe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Forward Dante
Its definitely the real Steve Martin. He writes things like these for the New Yorker from time to time.
Yep. Y'all should check out his book Pure Drivel, a collection of (mostly) New Yorker pieces. Hilarious work.
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