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Old 04-30-2007, 11:07 AM  
|Zach| |Zach| is offline
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Hell Week at the most Mean-Spirited Frat in the World

Twelve pledges stand at the lobby of a frathouse looking weak, pale, and dejected. The Pledgemaster stands in front of them all. He is pacing.

Pledgemaster: You guys have been sleeping on our front lawn for a week now. No showers, no food, no friends. Just the brotherhood. You've earned enough respect for us to take you through hell week.

Pledge Ben: I thought that was hell week.

Pledgemaster: Leave. Congrats to the final ten of you.

Pledge Alan: There's eleven of us.

Pledgemaster: Goodbye. Welcome to the real final ten.

Everybody starts clapping.

Pledgemaster: Hell week is gonna be brutal. There's no doubt about it. Point blank: Hazing sucks. But don't worry: No gay stuff. No forced-drinking.

Pledge Calvin: Awesome.

Pledgemaster: Calvin. You're being very talkative today. Why don't you take out your cell phone and have a nice little chat with your mother. Call her and tell her that your little sister has been in a car accident.

Pledge Calvin: I don't have a little sister, sir.

Pledgemaster: Then Rory, call Calvin’s mother and tell her that her precious son is dead.

Rory begins dialing.

Pledge Rory: What's her number?

Pledge Calvin: No. Wait.

Pledgemaster: What's wrong Calvin, don't you want to join the phattest parties next semester? Sweet friends and cheap booze?

Pledge Calvin: No. I do. I totally do. It's just that... can I call her right after and tell her it was a joke?

Pledgemaster: You can call her at the end of Hell Week.

Pledge Calvin: Umm. Okay. 510-4999.

Pledge Rory's dialing.

Pledge Rory: Nobody's there.

Pledge Calvin: Great hang --

Pledgemaster: Leave a message.

Pledge Rory: Hey Mrs. Calvin? This is Rory. I'm in the same frat as your son. He died this afternoon. Alcohol poisoning. Bye.

Pledgemaster: That was very presumptuous of you Rory. You and Calvin are not in the same frat yet. Calvin has earned his keep, but you haven't done shit.

Pledge Calvin smiles.

Pledgemaster: Rory. Call your grandmother and ask her for $10,000 ASAP. When the money arrives I want you to take a video of you setting it on fire and send it back to your grandmother with the note: Thanks for nothing, Old Bitch.

Pledge Rory: Done.

Pledge Franklin: This is absurd. You guys are so mean.

Pledgemaster: Excuse me. Pledge Franklin. You realize other frats would make you eat chocolate until you puke. Walk around naked and spill beer on you.

Pledge Franklin: Yeah, that's fine. I'd rather eat chocolate than embarrass my grandmother. Or convince my own parents that I was dead! I mean you guys are insane!

Pledgemaster: Would you like to join Alan and Ben? Or do you want to get on the VIP list to our sweet ass Wonka party this spring?

Pledge Franklin: I mean... I guess I want to stay. It's just, this is, getting a little crazy is all.

Pledgemaster: Franklin. Look one of your co-pledges in the eye and break their knee. It could be anybody. Sacrifice one for the good of nine. The brotherhood will grow strong. The knee will then heal faster with the strength of solidarity.

Pledge Franklin: No. Absolutely. No way.

Pledgemaster approaches Pledge Franklin. He gets nose to nose with him.

Pledgemaster: You realize all pledges get the sweetest dates to every mixer. Plus they get to rotate being bouncers at our Winter Bikini Party.

Pledge Franklin: I'm sorry. I can't do that. I wouldn't even know how to, sir.

Pledgemaster: Leave.

Pledge Franklin walks away.

Pledgemaster: Sounds like one of your "brothers" isn't very committed to the brotherhood.

Silence befalls the room. The mood is sullen.

Pledge Victor: My buddy said his frat made him finish three gallons of ice cream. He said it sounds delicious but it was pretty horrible after a while. Can't we just do that? You choose the flavor.

Pledgemaster: Ice cream? This is Hell Week, pledge. Not 31 flavors. But here's one: Cookies n' Call your girlfriend and ask her to marry you. Tell her you never loved anybody like you love her and that you want to prove it to her by making a promise. A promise to be hers forever. Tell her that every moment you spend with her makes you realize more and more how empty your life would be without her. Then, don't talk to her again until hell week ends, explaining that this whole thing was a practical joke for the brotherhood.

Pledge Victor: Can I just do the mom thing?

Pledgemaster: Absolutely not.

Pledge Victor: I don't know if I can do that. I've been with my girlfriend for three years now, I don't want to mess things up.

Pledgemaster: Two words for you: Chicken Nuggets. Every Tuesday. As many as you want, as long as its not more than ten. Plus we're probably getting a Wii.

Pledge Victor: I can't. I'm sorry. I know this frat is awesome but I can't do that to my girlfriend.

Pledgemaster: Nobody has ever refused the brotherhood.

Pledge Victor: Not true, Franklin just left 5 minutes ago because --

Pledge Franklin comes running at Victor's legs at full speed. Victors knee bends backwards and a loud snap is heard. Pledge Victor is on the floor writhing in pain, yelling as loud as he can, his leg below the knee is going in the wrong direction

Pledge Victor: AHHHGHGGG!!!! OKAY FINE!!!! GIMME THE PHONE! IM CALLING HER NOW!!!!!!

Pledgemaster: Everybody take five. This is going to be a long week. When we reconvene, I want everybody to get ready to upper deck some urinals at the childrens hospital.
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Old 04-30-2007, 11:08 AM   #2
vailpass vailpass is offline
Yah Mules!
 
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Is there a longer version of this that would take even more time to read?
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Old 04-30-2007, 11:10 AM   #3
|Zach| |Zach| is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vailpass
Is there a longer version of this that would take even more time to read?
I didn't mean to make things so tough on you.
Posts: 45,801
|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.
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Old 04-30-2007, 11:11 AM   #4
ferrarispider95 ferrarispider95 is offline
She reads at a sophomore level
 
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No sh*t , quit posting this worthless crap
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Old 04-30-2007, 11:13 AM   #5
Brock Brock is offline
Do it.
 
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Frats are gay.
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Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.Brock is obviously part of the inner Circle.
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Old 04-30-2007, 11:17 AM   #6
58-4ever 58-4ever is online now
The Collective Unconscious
 
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That was mildly amusing.
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58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.
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Old 04-30-2007, 11:17 AM   #7
58-4ever 58-4ever is online now
The Collective Unconscious
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Brock
Frats are gay.
This is true. You should never have to buy your friends.
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58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.58-4ever is blessed with 50/50 Hindsight.
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Old 04-30-2007, 11:20 AM   #8
pikesome pikesome is offline
PEW PEW
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by 58-4ever
This is true. You should never have to buy your friends.
If you're in a frat you probably have to.
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C) are not for me, because I find that cocaine aids my performance much more effectively.
D) apparently worked for Rodney Harrison.
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Old 04-30-2007, 11:27 AM   #9
ChiTown ChiTown is offline
Stroking to Andy's Man Boobs
 
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I was in a Fraternity a long time ago, and there was NOTHING gay about it
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ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.
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Old 04-30-2007, 11:30 AM   #10
InChiefsHell InChiefsHell is offline
Rockin' yer FACE OFF!
 
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1) WTF was the point of that post?
2) Why the hell do people want to join frats anyway? It just seems...somehow gay to me or something...
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InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.
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Old 04-30-2007, 11:31 AM   #11
InChiefsHell InChiefsHell is offline
Rockin' yer FACE OFF!
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChiTown
I was in a Fraternity a long time ago, and there was NOTHING gay about it
That's cool...did they make you do weird shit like this to join?
__________________

We have a million reasons for failure, but not one excuse...
Die Donks, DIE!!

A quote:
"Oh well, there's always next year. We'll be better then, you'll see..." - Every Chiefs fan for the last 42...crap...43 years...

Quit listening to all that crappy new music and check out HEADSTRONG!
Posts: 13,337
InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.InChiefsHell threw an interception on a screen pass.
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Old 04-30-2007, 11:31 AM   #12
Bearcat2005 Bearcat2005 is offline
Living the dream
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by |Zach|
I didn't mean to make things so tough on you.

I am now pissed and want that 2 minutes of my life back!
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Bearcat2005 is not part of the Right 53.Bearcat2005 is not part of the Right 53.Bearcat2005 is not part of the Right 53.Bearcat2005 is not part of the Right 53.Bearcat2005 is not part of the Right 53.Bearcat2005 is not part of the Right 53.Bearcat2005 is not part of the Right 53.Bearcat2005 is not part of the Right 53.Bearcat2005 is not part of the Right 53.Bearcat2005 is not part of the Right 53.Bearcat2005 is not part of the Right 53.
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Old 04-30-2007, 11:31 AM   #13
|Zach| |Zach| is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InChiefsHell
1) WTF was the point of that post?
I thought it was pretty funny.
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|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.|Zach| has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.
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Old 04-30-2007, 11:32 AM   #14
jspchief jspchief is offline
BAMF
 
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"It's not a frat, it's a fraternity. You wouldn't call your country a **** would you?"

Signed,

Fratboy
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jspchief wants to die in a aids tree fire.jspchief wants to die in a aids tree fire.jspchief wants to die in a aids tree fire.jspchief wants to die in a aids tree fire.jspchief wants to die in a aids tree fire.jspchief wants to die in a aids tree fire.jspchief wants to die in a aids tree fire.jspchief wants to die in a aids tree fire.jspchief wants to die in a aids tree fire.jspchief wants to die in a aids tree fire.jspchief wants to die in a aids tree fire.
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Old 04-30-2007, 11:32 AM   #15
ChiTown ChiTown is offline
Stroking to Andy's Man Boobs
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by InChiefsHell
That's cool...did they make you do weird shit like this to join?
No, not at all. Well, unless you consider ****ing a goat weird..........
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ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.ChiTown is obviously part of the inner Circle.
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