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Old 01-25-2010, 04:15 PM  
Douche Baggins Douche Baggins is online now
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Rush Limbaugh - I Don't Even Want To Be Alive Anymore

Hahaha. Oh my god.

http://www.theonion.com/content/opin...nt_to_be_alive

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I know there are a lot of people out there who are upset about some of the things I've been saying on my radio program lately. My comments about the situation in Haiti have hurt and angered many Americans who genuinely care about the plight of the Haitian people, and that hurt and anger will likely never go away. Many of you are probably wondering, "What would compel a human being to say things like that?" Well, here's your answer: I am a very bad person. And, to tell you the truth, I don't really want to be alive anymore.

Try to look at it from my point of view. I have no reason to live. In my 59 years, I've made millions of dollars, built a veritable media empire, and accomplished virtually everything that a man of my limited imagination and worldview could possibly accomplish. And yet, at this point, in no way could you refer to what I'm doing as "living," exactly. I just sort of exist. I derive no real pleasure from life. Oh, sure, I talk a big game about what a golf nut I am and how much I enjoy the taste of a fine cigar, but it's all horseshit. Complete and utter horseshit.

I don't enjoy that stuff. I don't enjoy anything. I don't even want to be here. The sadness and regret I feel every waking hour of my life is absolutely unbearable. I am a miserable pig and I do not want to exist.

The irony is that, even if I did die, the hell I would surely be sent to could not possibly be any worse than the bottomless pool of excrement I already paddle around in like some demented, shit-covered walrus. In fact, every time I hear my voice coming through the headphones I nearly gag, and I think, "What the **** am I doing?" Why would I say that Michael J. Fox is faking his Parkinson's symptoms? Why would I find it funny to play a song called "Barack the Magic Negro"? Why would I tell people not to give aid to Haiti?

What the **** is wrong with me?

I live in constant terror and that terror informs my every word, thought, and action.

See, the thing is, I honestly cannot control the bilious hatred and filth that oozes out of my mouth. I want to—believe me, I want to—but I can't. And every time I speak, a tiny voice inside my head is screaming, "Stop talking, you stupid, insensitive prick. JUST STOP ****ING TALKING. All you do is spread hate and fear, and the world would be a better place without you, you worthless, amoral, cocksucking ****face."

What I should really do is just commit suicide. I have this little Sunday ritual I started around the time I publicly compared the torture at Abu Ghraib to a fraternity prank, where I climb into my Jacuzzi and put a gun in my mouth. But I can never work up the guts to pull the trigger. A few times I came close to overdosing on prescription pain pills, but my goddamn doctors were always there to save me. If I had any sense, I would just hole myself up in a Red Roof Inn with a case of Jack Daniel's and slowly drink myself into the gaping maw of death itself.

But what can I say? I guess I'm just too much of a fat ****ing pussy to follow through.

You know what? I wish someone would just kill me. I'm serious. Yeah, yeah, I know what you're thinking: "Oh my God, how can you say such a thing? You can't print that in a newspaper!" But see, I don't care anymore. I've cried my tears. I've battled my demons, and I've lost. It's over. It's all over. The only thing left for me to do now is just go away. Have I even once contributed a single ounce of good to humanity? Put me out of my misery. I wouldn't make a fuss. I wouldn't even humiliate myself by saying goodbye. For the first time in my odious, pitiful life, I'd accept my fate with quiet dignity.

Then I wouldn't have to live with my wretched, wretched self. Oh, the release.

I've imagined my death a thousand times over, and it's always the same. In my mind's eye, a serene setting comes into view. I see a funeral procession driving down some small-town Main Street in Nowheresville, U.S.A. On one side of the street, a collection of sycophants and morons are paying their respects in subliterate, sanctimonious tones. Meanwhile, on the other side of the street, I can just make out the faint image of a young boy, his brow furrowed in confusion, clutching the hand of his father. "Who is that man, Daddy?" he asks as the hearse containing my bloated, lifeless body rolls by. "Who is that person they speak of?" The father will then lower his head and say, "There, my son, go the remains of Rush Hudson Limbaugh, the most abominable lump of festering dog shit in the history of American broadcasting. May the likes of him never again soil or tarnish the greatness of our fair country."

Please forgive me, everyone. I am so sorry.
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Old 01-25-2010, 04:23 PM   #2
fan4ever fan4ever is offline
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This is the kind of clever writing you can usually only find in junior high.
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Old 01-25-2010, 04:32 PM   #3
Dr. Van Halen Dr. Van Halen is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fan4ever View Post
This is the kind of clever writing you can usually only find in junior high.
Spoken like a sophomore in high school.
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Old 01-25-2010, 05:12 PM   #4
Norman Einstein Norman Einstein is offline
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Old 01-25-2010, 05:19 PM   #5
Captain Obvious Captain Obvious is offline
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Originally Posted by CTTCS_WLR View Post
The onion is still real to me, damnit!!!
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Captain Obvious would the whole thing.Captain Obvious would the whole thing.Captain Obvious would the whole thing.Captain Obvious would the whole thing.Captain Obvious would the whole thing.Captain Obvious would the whole thing.Captain Obvious would the whole thing.Captain Obvious would the whole thing.Captain Obvious would the whole thing.Captain Obvious would the whole thing.Captain Obvious would the whole thing.
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Old 01-25-2010, 05:29 PM   #6
Norman Einstein Norman Einstein is offline
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Originally Posted by Captain Obvious View Post
The onion is still real to me, damnit!!!
What ever turns you on.
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Old 01-25-2010, 05:53 PM   #7
wild1 wild1 is offline
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funny not found

abort, retry, fail?
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Old 01-25-2010, 06:59 PM   #8
Norman Einstein Norman Einstein is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wild1 View Post
funny not found

abort, retry, fail?
I checked Snopes and sent the link in for investigation. In a few months we will most likely see the story if total BS.
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:02 PM   #9
Douche Baggins Douche Baggins is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CTTCS_WLR View Post
I checked Snopes and sent the link in for investigation. In a few months we will most likely see the story if total BS.
Are you a ****ing moron?

It's a parody.
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:08 PM   #10
patteeu patteeu is offline
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At least CTTCS_WLR gave me a laugh, even if it might not have been intentional.
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:09 PM   #11
NewChief NewChief is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by CTTCS_WLR View Post
I checked Snopes and sent the link in for investigation. In a few months we will most likely see the story if total BS.
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NewChief has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.NewChief has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.NewChief has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.NewChief has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.NewChief has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.NewChief has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.NewChief has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.NewChief has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.NewChief has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.NewChief has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.NewChief has an IQ even higher than Frankie's.
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:15 PM   #12
fan4ever fan4ever is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dr. Van Halen View Post
Spoken like a sophomore in high school.
Ouch; got me. Damn you're good.
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:16 PM   #13
fan4ever fan4ever is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wild1 View Post
funny not found

abort, retry, fail?
Just somebody on a rant; I appreciate good satire but this was just stupid.
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fan4ever Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.fan4ever Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.fan4ever Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.fan4ever Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.fan4ever Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.fan4ever Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.fan4ever Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.fan4ever Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.fan4ever Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.fan4ever Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.fan4ever Forgot to Remove His Claytex and Got Toxic Shock Syndrome.
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:23 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by fan4ever View Post
Just somebody on a rant; I appreciate good satire but this was just stupid.
It's The Onion. They pride themselves in stupid.
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Old 01-25-2010, 07:28 PM   #15
Norman Einstein Norman Einstein is offline
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Originally Posted by GoChiefs View Post
Are you a ****ing moron?

It's a parody.
Probably so, but so was the ****ing moron that posted it.
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