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Old 09-07-2010, 03:47 PM  
SNR SNR is offline
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The Onion's 2010 NFL Season Preview

Go to the link for all the teams. Here's the AFCW

http://www.theonion.com/articles/oni...18023/?slide=4

Denver Broncos

Strength: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into the secondary

Weakness: Keep trading for other teams' shitty quarterbacks

Player To Watch: Brady Quinn should have an interesting year, as he has been vigorously studying the Denver phone book

Intangibles: Whole team is going to see Phil Lesh and Bob Weir at Red Rocks after its week-three loss to the Colts


Oakland Raiders

Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air

Weakness: As a team, every single player on this roster ****ing sucks

Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games

Biggest Question: If Tom Cable isn't fired during or after the season, will Al Davis get rid of him by drowning him in the Gatorade container?

San Diego Chargers

Strength: Unmatched at dominating the competition all season long and then dramatically losing in their first playoff game

Weakness: Nate Kaeding purposely kicks field goals wide right or left, as he hates football

Intangibles: Injuries on both sides of the ball continue to hurt the Chargers as players get stabbed with the points or slam the wide part into their faces

Biggest Question: Is this the year Shaun Phillips and Shawne Merriman get a consistent spelling on their first names?

Kansas City Chiefs

Strength: Quarterback Matt Cassel feels satisfied whether receivers catch or drop his passes; easy schedule as team plays seven games in the CFL this season

Weakness: Offense continues to struggle when trying to huddle up, with most of the players being overpowered and ending up on the ground

Player To Watch: In need of a solid season to become a potential holdout, wide receiver Dwayne Bowe is finally trying a little

Biggest Question: Will new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis actually explode after a big lunch?
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Old 09-07-2010, 03:50 PM   #2
DJ's left nut DJ's left nut is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNR View Post
Go to the link for all the teams. Here's the AFCW

http://www.theonion.com/articles/oni...18023/?slide=4


Strength: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into the secondary

Weakness: Keep trading for other teams' shitty quarterbacks
Is he sure he didn't confuse teams here?
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Old 09-07-2010, 03:51 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNR View Post

Weakness: Keep trading for other teams' shitty quarterbacks

Player To Watch: Brady Quinn should have an interesting year, as he has been vigorously studying the Denver phone book


Oakland Raiders

Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air


San Diego Chargers

Biggest Question: Is this the year Shaun Phillips and Shawne "roidman" Merriman get a consistent spelling on their first names?

Kansas City Chiefs


Weakness: Offense continues to struggle when trying to huddle up, with most of the players being overpowered and ending up on the ground

Player To Watch: In need of a solid season to become a potential holdout, wide receiver Dwayne Bowe is finally trying a little

Biggest Question: Will new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis actually explode after a big lunch?

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Old 09-07-2010, 03:52 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DJ's left nut View Post
Is he sure he didn't confuse teams here?
That's exactly what I thought.

Technically we didn't trade for a QB this year. But still...
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Old 09-07-2010, 04:07 PM   #5
Deberg_1990 Deberg_1990 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNR View Post
Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games
Hilarious....only because its true.
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Old 09-07-2010, 04:09 PM   #6
Amnorix Amnorix is offline
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New England Patriots

  • Strength: Bill Belichick has avoided stealing any wives recently, so he should be focused on the 2010 season; people are sure to tout the Patriots' experience and maturity as opposed to flat-out calling them old
  • Weakness: Considering the talent of this year's rookie class, it's a shame that Belichick will once more work one of them until he dies
  • Intangibles: Can't discount the possibility of another horrific injury to quarterback Tom Brady; oh, please, Lord, let there be another horrific injury to Tom Brady
  • Biggest Question: This may be the year New England finally falls out of contention, but we know full well these ****s will pull a 12-4 season out of their ass somehow
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Old 09-07-2010, 04:17 PM   #7
Amnorix Amnorix is offline
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God, there are some real gems here. The poor Bills mgiht be the best one fo them all.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills

  • Strength: Buffalo is well-known for its friendly locals, its world-famous wings, and its proximity to beautiful Niagara Falls
  • Weakness: Once again pretty much centers around the entire roster
  • Player To Watch: Starting quarterback Trent Edwards. Wait, him again? God, these guys are so ****ed
  • Intangibles: The AFC East is, perhaps, the league's most talented division, making it the most respectable division to finish last in
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Old 09-07-2010, 04:32 PM   #8
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Old 09-07-2010, 04:38 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Amnorix View Post
God, there are some real gems here. The poor Bills mgiht be the best one fo them all.

AFC East

Buffalo Bills

  • Strength: Buffalo is well-known for its friendly locals, its world-famous wings, and its proximity to beautiful Niagara Falls
  • Weakness: Once again pretty much centers around the entire roster
  • Player To Watch: Starting quarterback Trent Edwards. Wait, him again? God, these guys are so ****ed
  • Intangibles: The AFC East is, perhaps, the league's most talented division, making it the most respectable division to finish last in
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Old 09-07-2010, 04:44 PM   #10
SNR SNR is offline
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Quote:
Weakness: The Vikings have struggled to prepare for opponents ever since Minnesota Child Protective Services seized Brad Childress' entire tape collection
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Old 09-07-2010, 04:44 PM   #11
Baby Lee Baby Lee is offline
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Jacksonville touk urrr weeknusses!!!


Weakness: Quarterback controversy between Luke McCown and David Garrard has coaches wondering if they should even have a quarterback at all
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Old 09-07-2010, 05:51 PM   #12
bevischief bevischief is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SNR View Post
Go to the link for all the teams. Here's the AFCW

http://www.theonion.com/articles/oni...18023/?slide=4

Denver Broncos

Strength: Excellent cornerbacks and safeties will provide sure tackling of running backs who are eluding the defensive front seven and rushing untouched into the secondary

Weakness: Keep trading for other teams' shitty quarterbacks

Player To Watch: Brady Quinn should have an interesting year, as he has been vigorously studying the Denver phone book

Intangibles: Whole team is going to see Phil Lesh and Bob Weir at Red Rocks after its week-three loss to the Colts


Oakland Raiders

Strength: Just nice to see them outside getting some fresh air

Weakness: As a team, every single player on this roster ****ing sucks

Player To Watch: Quarterback Jason Campbell is an experienced loser and is not going to mope around and act all depressed when team loses eight or nine straight games

Biggest Question: If Tom Cable isn't fired during or after the season, will Al Davis get rid of him by drowning him in the Gatorade container?

San Diego Chargers

Strength: Unmatched at dominating the competition all season long and then dramatically losing in their first playoff game

Weakness: Nate Kaeding purposely kicks field goals wide right or left, as he hates football

Intangibles: Injuries on both sides of the ball continue to hurt the Chargers as players get stabbed with the points or slam the wide part into their faces

Biggest Question: Is this the year Shaun Phillips and Shawne "roidman" Merriman get a consistent spelling on their first names?

Kansas City Chiefs

Strength: Quarterback Matt Cassel feels satisfied whether receivers catch or drop his passes; easy schedule as team plays seven games in the CFL this season

Weakness: Offense continues to struggle when trying to huddle up, with most of the players being overpowered and ending up on the ground

Player To Watch: In need of a solid season to become a potential holdout, wide receiver Dwayne Bowe is finally trying a little

Biggest Question: Will new offensive coordinator Charlie Weis actually explode after a big lunch?
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Old 09-07-2010, 08:43 PM   #13
SNR SNR is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Baby Lee View Post
Jacksonville touk urrr weeknusses!!!


Weakness: Quarterback controversy between Luke McCown and David Garrard has coaches wondering if they should even have a quarterback at all
That's my only gripe. Some of these comments apply to a bunch of teams. Hell, even the fat coach schtick was used on both Charlie Weis and Rex Ryan.
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