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Old 04-14-2011, 06:40 PM  
The_Doctor10 The_Doctor10 is offline
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Why I'm probably going to Hell

This week, my university's student newspaper ran its annual spoof issue. This was a pain because usually the stuff's not that funny, and it's obscenely difficult to write funny fake shit, in my experience. Making fun of shit is fine, but the Onion-style sports isn't easy.

I should also mention I've spent the last 7 months working as the sports editor for this paper. It has been, far and away, the easiest 100 bucks a week I've ever made. I'm relatively certain I make 35 dollars an hour.

Point being, I was under the assumption I'd only have to fill 1 page for a shortened issue. Then on production night: "Oh... we're doing a 24-page, we need an extra article". Fine. So this is what I gave them. I'm probably going to burn for it.


So during the Vancouver Olympics last February, I was sitting in the Zoo watching something obscure. Maybe it was ski cross. I know I was enraptured by it. But as I sat there watching the best underfunded athletes in the world make me feel better about myself and my country, it occurred to me that I didn’t know if the Paralympics allowed for the participation of the mentally handicapped.

What was admittedly a silly idea got sillier. Of course it’s absurd to think that because one person is blind and the other has Downs syndrome, there is enough of a handicap on both sides to make for an interesting cross-country ski race. But then also consider that dogsledding isn’t an Olympic sport. Maybe you can guess where this is going. Or maybe you’re a decent person and the thought never occurred to you.

Let’s face it, the Paralympics and the Special Olympics are weird events. The Paralympics always leave me feeling underwhelmed; like, if only that guy could move his legs, he’d be riding shotgun with Sidney Crosby instead of captaining the sledge hockey team. I’m forced to ask why the blind are allowed to compete in the biathlon, and question whether or not every single one-legged skier was involved in a shark attack and now pursue the downhill to prevent any further contact with the ocean.

The Special Olympics are even worse. I feel like a horrible person because these people are overcoming a horrible hand dealt to them by a vengeful god/bad luck, and I still just wish that they’d stop showing this stuff so I can continue to pretend mentally disabled people only exist in Narnia.

If you feel this article has been in bad taste to this point, I wholeheartedly encourage you to stop reading right now, because it’s only going to get worse. The eventual result of my random musing about the participation standards of the handi-capable Olympics was the creation of a bizarre, unholy, potentially evil but nonetheless laugh-till-you-cry inducing sport called Downs-sledding. ‘What is Downs-sledding?’ I hear you ask. ‘It sounds like something you’d go to Hell for,’ you say. Probably, and almost assuredly once you know what it is.

Essentially, Downs-sledding is a Winter Olympic event that utilizes the vast physical strength of the mentally disabled. Off to a winning start, I know. It gets better. Or worse.

Sorted according to nationality, obviously, are teams of six afflicted individuals. In this event, gender isn’t particularly an issue. The event involves harnessing these individuals to a dog sled, which is driven by a blind musher. I’m awfully fixated on the blind for some reason; I think it’s because I’m in awe that anyone could perform at a high level athletically without the aid of eyesight.

Anyway. Downs-sledding: the sport where the blind whip the mentally challenged in sprint races of 100, 400 and 1600 meters. And we’re all FAR more uncomfortable than usual when watching either of these events.

One other thing. Should the deaf be allowed to compete in the Paralympics? Apparently they can’t. Which makes sense, they can’t hear. They can’t not lift weights or run or skate. But if they’re deaf and figure skating, they can’t hear the music. So we should make them perform their programs to an elaborately-choreographed laser light show. Because you don’t need to hear lasers.

If this was the first time you read the sports this year, I’m very sorry. It was less evil the rest of the year, I promise. But at this point, if I haven’t gotten in trouble for Slut of the Week, I don’t know how much trouble I can realistically get into for talking about a sport wherein the blind whip the retarded for the purpose of winning a race. God have mercy on my soul.

Have a great summer everyone.

Last edited by The_Doctor10; 04-14-2011 at 06:46 PM.. Reason: Breaking up the text
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:43 PM   #2
-King- -King- is offline
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Break that up some more and I might read it.
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:46 PM   #3
The_Doctor10 The_Doctor10 is offline
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Break that up some more and I might read it.
Sorry, my bad. There you go.
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You don't have a goddamn chance over the next two years with Manning at the helm, so build your ****ing team to be a ****ing dynasty when he retires. Instead, you're going to spend the two most valuable picks in franchise history on a RT and a game manager QB.

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Old 04-14-2011, 06:46 PM   #4
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not sure why I read all that
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:47 PM   #5
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Downssledding? That would actually be quite amusing.
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:49 PM   #6
Bump Bump is offline
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Bump has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.Bump has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.Bump has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.Bump has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.Bump has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.Bump has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.Bump has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.Bump has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.Bump has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.Bump has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.Bump has parlayed a career as a truck driver into debt free trailer and jon boat ownership.
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:50 PM   #7
shirtsleeve shirtsleeve is offline
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TTIUWOP of said event...and thats how you burn for it..

just sayin. Pics would make the article.
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:53 PM   #8
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Old 04-14-2011, 06:55 PM   #9
bevischief bevischief is offline
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Can you see the void stuff with those glasses?
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Old 04-14-2011, 07:01 PM   #10
The_Doctor10 The_Doctor10 is offline
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So where are you going to transfer to?
Free speech, man. And as I graduate in December, I'm pretty sure the worst that could happen is that they wouldn't re-hire me to a position I haven't applied to.
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You don't have a goddamn chance over the next two years with Manning at the helm, so build your ****ing team to be a ****ing dynasty when he retires. Instead, you're going to spend the two most valuable picks in franchise history on a RT and a game manager QB.

Awesome.
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Old 04-14-2011, 07:03 PM   #11
seclark seclark is offline
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i'm not here to say that's going to send you to hell, but if you are really getting paid to produce that shit, then you're stealing too.

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Old 04-14-2011, 07:06 PM   #12
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Saul 2014
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Old 04-14-2011, 07:08 PM   #13
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I don't think too many on here are going to understand your avatar. Been a fan for almost 20 years. Can't wait for the new season six.
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Old 04-14-2011, 07:11 PM   #14
DA_T_84 DA_T_84 is offline
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You should have saved everyone time and just filled the page with a huge "Meh."
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Old 04-14-2011, 07:18 PM   #15
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