Home Mail MemberMap Chat (0) Wallpapers
Go Back   ChiefsPlanet > The Lounge

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 10-17-2012, 01:26 PM  
bevischief bevischief is offline
....
 
bevischief's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: North Dakota
Casino cash: $8931
VARSITY
Think you are ready to have children?

Think you are ready to have children? Hilarious new parent test taking mummy blogs by storm MIGHT just put you off...

By Bianca London

Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/ar...#ixzz29a8N7som

ost broody mothers see having a child as a wonderful gift from God but one anonymous blogger has set about putting paid to that ideal.

A candid new parent test highlighting the high and lows of motherhood is taking the internet by storm after being reposted on countless mothering blogs.

The test - 14 steps to follow before you have children - was recently posted on Mamami by Chet, who was sent the parenting test by a friend.
Chet said: 'Most people will tell you that "it" is the hardest, most rewarding, rollercoaster job you will ever have - there's no pay, you are on duty 24/7 and, at times, it seems like there are few rewards.
'Being a parent has its ups and downs. I wouldn't change my title as "mummy" for anything in the world, however when this came through my inbox from a great friend it made me laugh (a lot!)'
If you think you are ready to embrace the joys of motherhood, we have printed the 14 tests here to see if you are really up to the challenge...

Test 1: Preparation

Women: To prepare for pregnancy
1. Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2. Leave it there.
3. After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children
1. Go to a local chemist, tip the contents of your wallet onto the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2. Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
3. Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.

Test 2: Knowledge

Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run wild.
Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and overall behaviour.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.


Test 3: Nights

To discover how the nights will feel:
You can kiss goodbye to precious beauty sleep as soon as you have a child
You can kiss goodbye to precious beauty sleep as soon as you have a child
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 4 - 6kg, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until 1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10. Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK CHEERFUL.


Test 4: Dressing Small Children

1. Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms hangout.
Time Allowed: 5 minutes.

Test 5: Cars

1. Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
3. Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4. Take a box of chocolate biscuits; mash them into the back seat.
5. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

Test 6: Going for a walk
The hilarious blog post details a new parent test for broody mothers
The hilarious blog post details a new parent test for broody mothers
a. Wait.
b. Go out the front door.
c. Come back in again.
d. Go out.
e. Come back in again.
f. Go out again.
g. Walk down the front path.
h. Walk back up it.
i. Walk down it again.
j. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
k. Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
l. Retrace your steps.
m. Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out and stare at you.
n. Give up and go back into the house.
You are now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.

Test 7: Conversations with children
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.

Test 8: Grocery Shopping

1. Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2. Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of your sight.
3. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

Test 9: Feeding a 1 year-old

1. Hollow out a melon
2. Make a small hole in the side
3. Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4. Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon while pretending to be an aeroplane.
5. Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor.


Test 10:TV

1. Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney, Teletubbies and Disney.
2. Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.

Test 11: Mess

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
Are you up to the challenge of parenthood asks this hilarious blog post
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2. Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4. Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the floor and proceed with step 5.
5. Drag randomly items from one room to another room and leave them there.


Test 12: Long Trips with Toddlers

1. Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly. Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2. Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4 years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

Test 13:Conversations

1. Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2. Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

Test 14: Getting ready for work

1. Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2. Put on your finest work attire.
3. Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4. Stir
5. Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6. Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7. Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8. Do not change (you have no time).
9. Go directly to work

You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!
Posts: 24,543
bevischief is obviously part of the inner Circle.bevischief is obviously part of the inner Circle.bevischief is obviously part of the inner Circle.bevischief is obviously part of the inner Circle.bevischief is obviously part of the inner Circle.bevischief is obviously part of the inner Circle.bevischief is obviously part of the inner Circle.bevischief is obviously part of the inner Circle.bevischief is obviously part of the inner Circle.bevischief is obviously part of the inner Circle.bevischief is obviously part of the inner Circle.
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2012, 02:25 PM   #2
ct ct is offline
u b illian
 
ct's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: DooDah
Casino cash: $5864
good stuff
Posts: 6,356
ct must have mowed badgirl's lawn.ct must have mowed badgirl's lawn.ct must have mowed badgirl's lawn.ct must have mowed badgirl's lawn.ct must have mowed badgirl's lawn.ct must have mowed badgirl's lawn.ct must have mowed badgirl's lawn.ct must have mowed badgirl's lawn.ct must have mowed badgirl's lawn.ct must have mowed badgirl's lawn.ct must have mowed badgirl's lawn.
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2012, 02:35 PM   #3
sd4chiefs sd4chiefs is offline
Hubba Hubba
 
sd4chiefs's Avatar
 

Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: San Diego Bandwagon City
Casino cash: $2859
If you think this test is bad wait till they become teenagers.
Posts: 3,051
sd4chiefs would the whole thing.sd4chiefs would the whole thing.sd4chiefs would the whole thing.sd4chiefs would the whole thing.sd4chiefs would the whole thing.sd4chiefs would the whole thing.sd4chiefs would the whole thing.sd4chiefs would the whole thing.sd4chiefs would the whole thing.sd4chiefs would the whole thing.sd4chiefs would the whole thing.
  Reply With Quote
Old 10-17-2012, 03:50 PM   #4
zimdogg zimdogg is offline
Starter
 
zimdogg's Avatar
 

Join Date: Oct 2012
Casino cash: $5650
Swinging melon = awesome.

I've experienced some of this stuff as the oldest child and dealing with siblings, but not all. God please don't let it happen yet.
Posts: 33
zimdogg is a favorite in the douche of the year contest.
  Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is On

Forum Jump




All times are GMT -6. The time now is 07:20 AM.


This is a test for a client's site.
A new website that shows member-created construction site listings that need fill or have excess fill. Dirt Monkey @ https://DirtMonkey.net
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.0
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.