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Old 12-23-2012, 11:52 PM  
Jim Jones Jim Jones is offline
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Should I confront my fiance over text messages I found?

I guarantee this thread isn't going to be about what the thread title might have led you to think it's about. Sorry about that...

Anyway -- was reading text messages on my fiance's cell phone (Yes, I do that, I'm a privacy invader...but past relationships have led me to be a little paranoid).

I read texts between her and her sister and mom, basically trashing my family, which is who we're spending Christmas Eve with. It wasn't just like your usual, "not really looking forward to going to the in-laws", but it was actually pretty vicious stuff. She was trashing my mom's cooking, basically saying she doesn't like my mom at all (my family has been AMAZING to her)..complaining that all we do is "sit around and talk with a sports game on the TV), trashing my parents house, my sister and her "annoying kid". It was really nasty stuff and a side of her I haven't really seen before.

Question is -- do I confront her? This is all that's gonna be on my mind tomorrow, but confronting her means I have to admit to reading her text messages. I don't know how I can move forward knowing she's been talking all this shit about my family though.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:28 AM   #241
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Originally Posted by cdcox View Post
Depends on him. If his number one priority is his relationship to his spouse, the relationship to his family becomes subservient. That doesn't mean that relationship is devalued, it just means it is put into a new context. If his number one priority is still his birth family, that really isn't what marriage is supposed to be. A couple can work out differences of opinion on family in many cases.

For example, the husband would prefer to see his family at least once a month. The wife isn't wild about his family. Maybe they settle on six times a year. Maybe the husband occasionally visits his family without his wife. The time that the couple spends with her family would also factor into the compromise. Mature people that respect the desires, needs and boundaries of the other can work thinks out if their expectations aren't completely at odds (eg. he wants to spend every weekend with his family and she never wants to see them again).
Note the conditional I put in my statement - "if she dislikes his family THAT much".

You're talking about compromising to iron out MINOR differences. I'm not.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:29 AM   #242
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Originally Posted by Mosbonian View Post
I'll repeat my statement again....do you really think the sister will keep it to herself? All it will take is something small and it will come out....
Why? Have you never had a person in your life that you could tell something to in confidence?

I feel sorry for the people that live these lives. It must be sad having every relationship be a ticking timebomb.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:31 AM   #243
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Originally Posted by Laz View Post
Trust ... to a certain extent, it's gone.

He broke trust by reading the text message
She broke trust by talking shit about his family with someone beside him
Seems like a fine line to me, especially if she wasn't talking shit, but there was some truth to it. She was apparently talking to her family, not just some random friend which from my experience women tend to be close to their moms and sisters.

The bigger problem for me is him snooping and reading her messages without her knowing. I mean who is the bigger sneaky bitch here? No offense Jim Jones...
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:32 AM   #244
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If my wife went though my text messages, she won't learn anything that I haven't already told her. She knows exactly how I feel about her family because I don't lie about it. The only time I tell her she can't go through my e-mails is when I've ordered a gift for her and want it to be a surprise. Marriage should be a partnership between two people who trust each other, not some endless sneaking cold war. My first marriage was like that. Not this one.
Bingo. I have nothing to hide and neither does my wife. If she wants to read my msgs, all she has to do is ask. The same goes for me. And she has. And she will again. And not a single **** will be given about me handing over my phone to her.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:33 AM   #245
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Originally Posted by jspchief View Post
Why? Have you never had a person in your life that you could tell something to in confidence?

I feel sorry for the people that live these lives. It must be sad having every relationship be a ticking timebomb.
Yeah....I had certain folks that I texted, venting about my wife, but....oh shit...nevermind, I am going through a divorce!
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:34 AM   #246
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Originally Posted by htismaqe View Post
Note the conditional I put in my statement - "if she dislikes his family THAT much".

You're talking about compromising to iron out MINOR differences. I'm not.
Well, not liking the cooking and finding the conversation boring rank as minor differences in my book. She already seems to be aboard the compromise bus since she plans to go for his sake and is trying to be a good trooper about it (by not bitching about minor issues) so he can enjoy the time with his family.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:37 AM   #247
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Originally Posted by cdcox View Post
Well, not liking the cooking and finding the conversation boring rank as minor differences in my book. She already seems to be aboard the compromise bus since she plans to go for his sake and is trying to be a good trooper about it (by not bitching about minor issues) so he can enjoy the time with his family.
She said considerably more than just that but of course we are hearing all of this 2nd hand.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:38 AM   #248
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Originally Posted by htismaqe View Post
She said considerably more than just that but of course we are hearing all of this 2nd hand.
So you read the text messages?
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:39 AM   #249
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Quote:
Originally Posted by htismaqe View Post
She said considerably more than just that but of course we are hearing all of this 2nd hand.
Yep. This. We are hearing the sneaky snoopy bitch version. I hope he knows that is how this is coming across.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:41 AM   #250
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Originally Posted by jd1020 View Post
So you read the text messages?
Yeah, that what I meant by "we are hearing all of this 2nd hand".

Are you 14?
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:42 AM   #251
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Originally Posted by htismaqe View Post
Yeah, that what I meant by "we are hearing all of this 2nd hand".

Are you 14?
You seemed pretty confident when you said "She said considerably more than that" so I just figured you read them. My bad.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:44 AM   #252
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Originally Posted by htismaqe View Post
She said considerably more than just that but of course we are hearing all of this 2nd hand.
2nd hand and one sided, so yeah we don't really know.

Probably they should both communicate more honestly, but then they wouldn't be having this problem.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:49 AM   #253
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Originally Posted by Mr. Plow View Post
Bingo. I have nothing to hide and neither does my wife. If she wants to read my msgs, all she has to do is ask. The same goes for me. And she has. And she will again. And not a single **** will be given about me handing over my phone to her.

Who is that window licker in your avatar?
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:50 AM   #254
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Originally Posted by frazod View Post
If my wife went though my text messages, she won't learn anything that I haven't already told her. She knows exactly how I feel about her family because I don't lie about it. The only time I tell her she can't go through my e-mails is when I've ordered a gift for her and want it to be a surprise. Marriage should be a partnership between two people who trust each other, not some endless sneaking cold war. My first marriage was like that. Not this one.
Yeah, this is a good answer.
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Old 12-24-2012, 11:52 AM   #255
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