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Old 12-23-2012, 11:52 PM  
Jim Jones Jim Jones is offline
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Should I confront my fiance over text messages I found?

I guarantee this thread isn't going to be about what the thread title might have led you to think it's about. Sorry about that...

Anyway -- was reading text messages on my fiance's cell phone (Yes, I do that, I'm a privacy invader...but past relationships have led me to be a little paranoid).

I read texts between her and her sister and mom, basically trashing my family, which is who we're spending Christmas Eve with. It wasn't just like your usual, "not really looking forward to going to the in-laws", but it was actually pretty vicious stuff. She was trashing my mom's cooking, basically saying she doesn't like my mom at all (my family has been AMAZING to her)..complaining that all we do is "sit around and talk with a sports game on the TV), trashing my parents house, my sister and her "annoying kid". It was really nasty stuff and a side of her I haven't really seen before.

Question is -- do I confront her? This is all that's gonna be on my mind tomorrow, but confronting her means I have to admit to reading her text messages. I don't know how I can move forward knowing she's been talking all this shit about my family though.
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:04 PM   #271
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Yeah, they are an issue. Successful marriages have a few basic building blocks, some of which are missing in the OP.
I guess I just don't see how someone putting a front on to be polite to your family even though they aren't thrilled with being there is an issue.
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:05 PM   #272
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Huh? You don't make nice with people you don't like because it's easier or as a favour to someone else?
It all comes down to trust. If he swallows this, it's just going to grow like a cancer inside of him, until he just blows one day on her, and this and all the other things he's been holding in rushes out. Even in the OP, he claims the things she was saying were "vicious" from his point of view, so it's best to hash this out, imo, before it spirals out of control, provided he wants to really save this relationship.

After all that is said, he needs to understand why it was he felt it necessary to sneak a peak at her texts. Did he have a legit reason to wonder about what she was saying, or is he taking out his bad past relationships on her?

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So much bad advice in this thread...
By all means, offer up some "good" advice. I'm sure Jim Jones would appreciate all input right now.
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:05 PM   #273
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:05 PM   #274
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I'd confront her, but after the holidays.

No reason to ruin xmas.

If she gets pissed because you 'invaded her privacy', then you should break it off.
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:07 PM   #275
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I don't know the sister. You seem to be suggesting its a sure thing, so I assume you do know her.
Don't need to know the people.....human nature is inherently the same. All it takes it one incident, one argument and the sister takes sides, spills the beans. If you don't think that would happen then you are sadly mistaken.
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:09 PM   #276
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I guess I just don't see how someone putting a front on to be polite to your family even though they aren't thrilled with being there is an issue.
Because it is duplicity......she can be honest with him and polite with the parents. That solves the trust issue and also could resolve any concerns about whether she is the right person to marry.
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:11 PM   #277
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I guess I just don't see how someone putting a front on to be polite to your family even though they aren't thrilled with being there is an issue.
Because she's being fake.

If she doesn't like his family, and he can't reconcile that, they're going to have a continuous stream of disagreements that stem from it.

Like someone else mentioned, it's one thing for her to "gut it up" for Christmas. What happens when Grandma wants to keep the kids?

Again, if the way she feels about his family is agreeable to him, even partially, then they don't really have a problem. They compromise and move on.

But if that we're the case, we wouldn't be here. She would have told HIM instead of her sister and her feelings wouldn't have come as a total shock.
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:13 PM   #278
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what if your fiance starts snooping through your computer and finds this thread through the browsing history?

would she be okay with this thread? lol same concept really
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:18 PM   #279
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Because it is duplicity......she can be honest with him and polite with the parents. That solves the trust issue and also could resolve any concerns about whether she is the right person to marry.
Nothing is going to solve this trust issue...

The OP admits to being "paranoid from past relationships" and "never seeing this side of her."

So he's really had no reason to snoop through her text messages and the only reason he did was because of someone he used to date that has no connection to this new girl what so ever.

Ya'll want to turn this into an issue on the girl because she doesn't like his mothers cooking but is still going to play nice and have Christmas with them, yet we wouldn't even know she didn't like his mothers cooking unless dipshit didn't snoop through her phone.

And there seems to be a popular belief that if he didn't snoop through her phone and find out these "horrible" truths that when they eventually came out it's going to be a trailer park brawl.
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:19 PM   #280
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If I gave any advice, would anyone heed it?
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:23 PM   #281
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Originally Posted by Mosbonian View Post
Don't need to know the people.....human nature is inherently the same. All it takes it one incident, one argument and the sister takes sides, spills the beans. If you don't think that would happen then you are sadly mistaken.
This is ridiculous. How do you even know this sister will ever speak to his family? And just because you've been surrounded by people that don't have the decency to know when to keep their mouth shut, that doesn't mean the entire world works that way.

I can assure you I could tell my sister something, or my wife could tell her sisters something, and it would be in complete confidence. Because they are polite people, not bickering children.
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:25 PM   #282
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Nothing is going to solve this trust issue...

The OP admits to being "paranoid from past relationships" and "never seeing this side of her."

So he's really had no reason to snoop through her text messages and the only reason he did was because of someone he used to date that has no connection to this new girl what so ever.

Ya'll want to turn this into an issue on the girl because she doesn't like his mothers cooking but is still going to play nice and have Christmas with them, yet we wouldn't even know she didn't like his mothers cooking unless dipshit didn't snoop through her phone.
And you want to act like there is no duplicity on her part.....

Trust is a big issue here I don't disagree. But so is lying and acting like it's ok just because he shouldn't have caught her because he was snooping. She is damaging the relationship on a level just as serious.

I'll ask the same question that has been asked before....if she is lying to him about how she feels about his family, what else could she be lying to him about.
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:26 PM   #283
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Originally Posted by jspchief View Post
This is ridiculous. How do you even know this sister will ever speak to his family? And just because you've been surrounded by people that don't have the decency to know when to keep their mouth shut, that doesn't mean the entire world works that way.

I can assure you I could tell my sister something, or my wife could tell her sisters something, and it would be in complete confidence. Because they are polite people, not bickering children.
Congrats you are the exception, not the rule. I don't know anyone, other than our family that doesn't squabble/hate the in laws. It's totally classless and sophomoric to me and shouldn't happen unless given a real reason to dislike them.
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:27 PM   #284
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This is ridiculous. How do you even know this sister will ever speak to his family? And just because you've been surrounded by people that don't have the decency to know when to keep their mouth shut, that doesn't mean the entire world works that way.

I can assure you I could tell my sister something, or my wife could tell her sisters something, and it would be in complete confidence. Because they are polite people, not bickering children.
Go ahead and live in your Pollyanna world....if that works for you I am happy for you.
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Old 12-24-2012, 12:27 PM   #285
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I'll ask the same question that has been asked before....if she is lying to him about how she feels about his family, what else could she be lying to him about.
Don't know... ask the OP, he's read her private text messages. What else has she "lied" about?
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