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Old 09-05-2013, 07:42 PM  
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Atheist Suicide Bomber Kills 18 Agnostics

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/the-lap...b_3299097.html

STOCKHOLM - In a frightening display of rising sectarian violence, an atheist suicide bomber blew himself up on a busy street in Stockholm three days ago; killing eighteen agnostics and wounding over thirty. Members of the 'Swedish Atheistic Liberation Front' (SALF) have claimed responsibility for the bombing. Declaring the attack as revenge against the explosive agnostic riots, which, last week, hospitalized several atheists and terrorized the atheistic community.

Swedish authorities have so far failed to stem the rising levels of violence and growing sectarian divide. The prime minister of Sweden Fredrik Reinfeldt, himself an agnostic, strongly condemned the attack, yet also called for restraint among the broader agnostic community. In an impromptu speech, the prime minister called on agnostics to not contribute to the violence, or launch vengeful vigilante attacks, saying that the proper authorities would see justice done.

Yet Mr. Reinfeldt's message seems to be falling on deaf ears, prominent agnostic leaders and bloggers have already began urging retaliatory attacks in what is an ominous sign for the future of sectarian violence in Sweden. Sectarian divisions and violence have been increasing ever since the breakdown in talks between the mostly agnostic Government and the violently separatist SALF.

SALF, and the atheists they claim to represent, believe that there is no god, agnostics believe that there may not be a god. To outsiders, this difference in doctrine seems almost irrelevant; to believers it is a question of life or death. Therefore, such a small difference in doctrine can create such explosive hatreds, divisions and violence.

The spiraling violence has already purged once religiously diverse neighborhoods into homogenous sectarian strongholds of either atheists or agnostics. Strongholds, which, since the latest SALF terrorism, have begun exchanging nightly mortar fire in the escalating conflict that Swedish authorities seem unable to contain.

So far the United Nations response has been limited to broad condemnations of the violence from both sides; while Norway and Finland have been preparing for an influx of refugees and planning for the creation of possible peacekeeping buffer zones within Sweden in case the rising violence transforms into the civil war many expect. The United States, for all its Innate Exceptionalism is afraid of being embroiled in a long intractable conflict and have thus confined their involvement to verbal support for moderates on both sides of the sectarian divide. At this point, all one can do is put in concentrated thought that Sweden's Atheists and Agnostics can reconcile before civil war breaks out and, together, realize the dream of one united Sweden.

Ryan Cresswell
Reportering From The Lapine


Follow The Lapine on Twitter: www.twitter.com/TheLapine



The article is a satire, by the way. For those of you who don't click on links.
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Old 09-05-2013, 07:48 PM   #2
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Is Dave Swedish?
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Old 09-05-2013, 07:51 PM   #3
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Is Dave Swedish?
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Old 09-05-2013, 07:51 PM   #4
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I assume we're not that lucky.
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Old 09-06-2013, 08:40 AM   #5
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So I see the Onion has some competition.
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Old 09-06-2013, 08:41 AM   #6
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Too bad those agnostics were on the fence about choosing a deity, it doesn't look good for them.
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Old 09-06-2013, 08:48 AM   #7
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Too bad those agnostics were on the fence about choosing a deity, it doesn't look good for them.
Yeah, those 18 imaginary agnostics are so screwed.
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Old 09-06-2013, 01:44 PM   #8
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So I see the Onion has some competition.
I think this is better than the average Onion article. Their writing (generally) isn't really up to this level of quality.
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Old 09-06-2013, 04:07 PM   #9
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I was gonna say WTF?

I was expecting the Onion its pretty humorous but something I think no one will exer see in real life.
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Old 09-06-2013, 05:16 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by Radar Chief View Post
So I see the Onion has some competition.
Wait so everything the HuffPo posts is a joke????
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Old 09-06-2013, 05:24 PM   #11
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Wait so everything the HuffPo posts is a joke????
Yes. I thought everyone knew that.
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Old 09-06-2013, 11:50 PM   #12
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Well, this is in pretty bad taste...




New Subway Promotion To Honor Subtember 11

News in BriefNewsbusiness ISSUE 49•36 • Sep 6, 2013

MILFORD, CT—Citing a wide range of deals customers will “never forget,” fast food chain Subway announced an exciting new promotion this week to honor and commemorate Subtember 11. “With a number of terrific discounts on special sandwiches as well as our classic footlongs, you’ll always remember where you were on Subtember 11,” Subway president Fred DeLuca told reporters, referring to Subway’s special promotion in which, for a limited time only, visitors of the restaurant’s tens of thousands of franchise locations will be able to “fly on in” and pick up two footlong subs of their choice for only $9.11. “From the Structural Steel Melt on Tower 7–Grain bread to the Twin Chowers cold cut combo with Ground Zero–Carb vinaigrette on a Let’s Whole Wheat Roll, we’ve got something for everybody this Subtember 11.” DeLuca added that the special promotion will be “first responders, first served.”

http://www.theonion.com/articles/new...3768/?ref=auto


...but I chuckled.
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