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Old 02-24-2015, 12:29 AM  
Rausch Rausch is offline
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I have made a horrible miscalculation...

So, in the journey towards a lower carb diet (not low carb, but the slow disarmament of carb warfare) I have included a ton of white fish in my diet.

Cheap. Quick. Sucks up flavor. All good.

Problem is it's very mushy and isn't real good at forming a solid movement.

6 days in I've had 5 boiled eggs and either spinach or peas (**** off, I know peas aren't low carb) every morning for breakfast. My gas is lethal. A friend of mine offered me a doe tag next year if I would leave.

I don't hunt.

Two days ago I made some spicy fish soup (which I ate at lunch during work the last two days) and then had 4 very spicy fish tacos today.

No more spice. No more fish + spice.

This was the single worst $#it of my life. It didn't just burn my ass - it burned all parts of my ass it touched. After the whipe it still burned and would not stop. At all.

I very uncomfortably drove to the gas station to get some hemmy cream I was sure I needed.

A dab didn't do it. I'm currently the guy from Boogie Nights - I have a cough drop in my mouth and feel like I have butter in my ass.

One dab was nowhere near enough. Gay porn stars aren't this lubed up.

I will have to throw these boxers away before my wife ever see's them. My ass is still sweating. **** I hate being old. Getting in shape should NEVER hurt this way...
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Old 02-24-2015, 12:38 AM   #2
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Old 02-24-2015, 12:39 AM   #3
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Personally, I am always on guard for hard gas these days. My days of reckless farting are over.

Had to ask my old man WTF with that. I thought he would have a heart attack he laughed so hard. Haven't talked to him in a few months since and he won't return my calls.
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Old 02-24-2015, 12:48 AM   #4
DaneMcCloud DaneMcCloud is offline
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Citrucel or Metamucil is what you need,
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Old 02-24-2015, 12:54 AM   #5
Rausch Rausch is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DaneMcCloud View Post
Citrucel or Metamucil is what you need,
I don't have a problem $#itting.

I'm doing it too much.

I'm spraying fire...
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Old 02-24-2015, 12:55 AM   #6
Rausch Rausch is offline
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Originally Posted by eDave View Post
My days of reckless farting are over.
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Old 02-24-2015, 12:56 AM   #7
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Sometimes I eat a bunch of gummy fibers from Walgreens and attempt to silently gas out my household while trying to blame it on the dogs but eventually the stink it too powerful and the truth comes out... Along with more room clearing gas

Those are the best grocery shopping days, walk up in any section and drop a bomb like that then people scatter like roaches with the lights on.
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Old 02-24-2015, 01:07 AM   #8
BigOlChiefsfan BigOlChiefsfan is offline
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Lower carb/hi protein diets can cause more gut-woe than need be as you jump in head first. You'll live better retaining some 'good carbs'. Try a bowl of low-sugar instant oats + a big TBL - or 2 - of chia seed, another spoon or 2 of oat bran and extra boiling water. Add some fresh or dried fruit, if you need it (chop up 1 or 2 dried apricots) Stir, wait 3 or 4 minutes, stir again and eat. Other types of oats may work better for you, this is how I handle the problem. That'll be 10-12 grams or so of fiber, a good start to your day.
Add a small avocado at some point during the day as a snack - split it, pit it, add some hot sauce/salt/pepper and eat it out of the skin w/a spoon. An addictive habit. Even small ones will have good fiber and good mono-oils. This time of year I buy these @ Aldi, 4 or 5 every few days and let them ripen in a brown paper bag. Aldi avocados are really small and cheap...just what you need.
A big salad w/your greens + canned & rinsed chickpeas or red beans + mushrooms/onions/carrots will also help - add some canned fish if you like, good olive oil-packed tuna can make up half your 'oil' for vinegar & oil dressing.
I make spicy-as-hell Indian style split pea soup all the time (dal) - a bag of peas, a big 64oz can of chicken broth in the crock pot over night or before I leave for work. Come home, chop up half a head of garlic, set it aside while you chop and saute a large yellow onion in some olive oil. Add cumin seeds, crushed red pepper and your garlic. Now a couple of TBL of curry powder -stir well and add it to your crockpot. Rinse the pan w/some box wine or water and add that to the pot. Add a rinsed can of garbanzo beans or other beans, a can of chopped green chile, a can of chopped tomatoes. Give it half an hour to warm up and enjoy. Since I eat this stuff often my guts are used to it. Lots of protein, lots of fiber.
You can add your fish to your salads - I add sardines (not everyone likes 'em) but try some good canned yellowfin tuna in olive oil + red onions + canned/rinsed beans as a simple salad. That's good, hot or cold, add any leftovers to greens - or smush 'em up and use 'em in 'pita pockets'. Lower carb is hard on the bowels at first, but if you work your way that way using 'extra good carbs' from souces w/beau coup fiber you'll feel better. And so will everyone forced to stand near you. You may want to invest in a bottle of beano or a knockoff like 'beanzyme' for the first few months. After that your gut will be full of the right enzymes and your friends will stop pretending they don't know you.
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Old 02-24-2015, 01:49 AM   #9
DaneMcCloud DaneMcCloud is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rausch View Post
I don't have a problem $#itting.

I'm doing it too much.

I'm spraying fire...
The Citrucel or Metamucil gives "weight", leading to a solid discharge and less frequency.
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Old 02-24-2015, 01:52 AM   #10
Numbah One Numbah One is online now
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Classic Rausch stylings wrapped up in a shit thread.

THIS IS CHIEFSPLANET

I just drank some Metamucil because my turds have been rock hard lately. I'm not sure what it is because I stopped drinking milk.
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Old 02-24-2015, 01:59 AM   #11
Rausch Rausch is offline
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Originally Posted by Numbah One View Post
I just drank some Metamucil because my turds have been rock hard lately. I'm not sure what it is because I stopped drinking milk.
I take 4 psyllium husk fiber pills a day.

Should have taken a day off the last two but they usually provide mass and "ease of use" for the colon.

And by that I mean it also acts as a stool softener...
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Old 02-24-2015, 02:18 AM   #12
eDave eDave is offline
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And women thing THEY have it hard.
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Old 02-24-2015, 03:53 AM   #13
Rausch Rausch is offline
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And women thing THEY have it hard.
Women things probably are hard.

Whatever they are...
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:54 AM   #14
BucEyedPea BucEyedPea is offline
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That happened to my former MIL when she visited and ate our diet.

Your body's not used to it, something is wrong with it or it's not right for your body type.

Usually, less carbs means less of this. I'd see a doctor or a good nutritionist. The doc just to make sure nothing is wrong with you but you'll probably just get a prescription. A nutritionist because they know diets more. You need someone to look at YOU.
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Old 02-24-2015, 07:55 AM   #15
BucEyedPea BucEyedPea is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Numbah One View Post
Classic Rausch stylings wrapped up in a shit thread.

THIS IS CHIEFSPLANET

I just drank some Metamucil because my turds have been rock hard lately. I'm not sure what it is because I stopped drinking milk.
Could be potassium. Pink grapefruit will handle that.

Lots of Vit C will do it too.
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