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Old 04-03-2014, 12:38 PM  
KC native KC native is online now
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L.P.D.: LIBERTARIAN POLICE DEPARTMENT

I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.

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Old 04-03-2014, 01:14 PM   #2
theelusiveeightrop theelusiveeightrop is offline
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What is a bitcoin?
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Old 04-03-2014, 01:17 PM   #3
cosmo20002 cosmo20002 is offline
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Originally Posted by theelusiveeightrop View Post
What is a bitcoin?
Pretend money that is kind of real but doesn't really exist.
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Old 04-03-2014, 01:58 PM   #4
KILLER_CLOWN KILLER_CLOWN is offline
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Bitcoin was bullshit from the beginning.
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Old 04-03-2014, 02:15 PM   #5
AustinChief AustinChief is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cosmo20002 View Post
Pretend money that is kind of real but doesn't really exist.
It is an interesting concept and has some merit to it but NEVER rely on any tech in it's first release. Anyone remember Windows 1.0? NT 3.1?
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Old 04-03-2014, 03:11 PM   #6
HonestChieffan HonestChieffan is offline
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Originally Posted by AustinChief View Post
It is an interesting concept and has some merit to it but NEVER rely on any tech in it's first release. Anyone remember Windows 1.0? NT 3.1?
Remember ObamaCare?
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Old 04-03-2014, 04:56 PM   #7
go bowe go bowe is offline
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Originally Posted by HonestChieffan View Post
Remember ObamaCare?
reminds me of the battle cry of texans in their war of independence...
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Old 04-03-2014, 05:00 PM   #8
Taco John Taco John is offline
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This is me not surprised to learn that the New Yorker doesn't know anything about libertarianism...
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Old 04-03-2014, 05:09 PM   #9
Loneiguana Loneiguana is offline
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Originally Posted by Taco John View Post
This is me not surprised to learn that the New Yorker doesn't know anything about libertarianism...
It doesn't surprise me that you make this comment.
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Old 04-03-2014, 05:51 PM   #10
Dave Lane Dave Lane is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AustinChief View Post
It is an interesting concept and has some merit to it but NEVER rely on any tech in it's first release. Anyone remember Windows 1.0? NT 3.1?
I do.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris616 View Post
High Tech is Sorcery and the people who are really powerful are literally telling people to commit crimes using the psychic interspace created by the WWW and Wireless. They are controlling peoples actions like drones . The two things are deeply intertwined. The more man's brain interfaces with machines the creepier it gets. They use brains separate from a human body in a supercomputer and you have The Image of the Beast. The military has been doing this since the 50s
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Old 04-03-2014, 05:51 PM   #11
Dave Lane Dave Lane is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HonestChieffan View Post
Remember ObamaCare?
Yep saved me $4000 a year. Thanks Obama!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris616 View Post
High Tech is Sorcery and the people who are really powerful are literally telling people to commit crimes using the psychic interspace created by the WWW and Wireless. They are controlling peoples actions like drones . The two things are deeply intertwined. The more man's brain interfaces with machines the creepier it gets. They use brains separate from a human body in a supercomputer and you have The Image of the Beast. The military has been doing this since the 50s
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Old 04-03-2014, 05:54 PM   #12
Dave Lane Dave Lane is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Taco John View Post
This is me not surprised to learn that the New Yorker doesn't know anything about libertarianism...
This is me not surprised to learn that Taco John doesn't know anything about humor, or comedy, or irony, or even personal hygiene.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chris616 View Post
High Tech is Sorcery and the people who are really powerful are literally telling people to commit crimes using the psychic interspace created by the WWW and Wireless. They are controlling peoples actions like drones . The two things are deeply intertwined. The more man's brain interfaces with machines the creepier it gets. They use brains separate from a human body in a supercomputer and you have The Image of the Beast. The military has been doing this since the 50s
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Old 04-03-2014, 08:27 PM   #13
GloucesterChief GloucesterChief is offline
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This is me not surprised to learn that Taco John doesn't know anything about humor, or comedy, or irony, or even personal hygiene.
Well this blog posting wasn't exactly what one would call funny.
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Old 04-04-2014, 08:55 AM   #14
patteeu patteeu is offline
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I'd call it funny. In fact, I know it's very faint praise, but this is likely the best thing KC Native has ever posted.
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Old 04-04-2014, 09:19 AM   #15
Trolly McTrollson Trolly McTrollson is offline
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C'mon, "Home Depot presents the police!" is lolzsauce.
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