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Old 04-03-2014, 11:38 AM  
KC native KC native is offline
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L.P.D.: LIBERTARIAN POLICE DEPARTMENT

I was shooting heroin and reading “The Fountainhead” in the front seat of my privately owned police cruiser when a call came in. I put a quarter in the radio to activate it. It was the chief.

“Bad news, detective. We got a situation.”

“What? Is the mayor trying to ban trans fats again?”

“Worse. Somebody just stole four hundred and forty-seven million dollars’ worth of bitcoins.”

The heroin needle practically fell out of my arm. “What kind of monster would do something like that? Bitcoins are the ultimate currency: virtual, anonymous, stateless. They represent true economic freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any government. Do we have any leads?”

“Not yet. But mark my words: we’re going to figure out who did this and we’re going to take them down … provided someone pays us a fair market rate to do so.”

“Easy, chief,” I said. “Any rate the market offers is, by definition, fair.”

He laughed. “That’s why you’re the best I got, Lisowski. Now you get out there and find those bitcoins.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m on it.”

I put a quarter in the siren. Ten minutes later, I was on the scene. It was a normal office building, strangled on all sides by public sidewalks. I hopped over them and went inside.

“Home Depot™ Presents the Police!®” I said, flashing my badge and my gun and a small picture of Ron Paul. “Nobody move unless you want to!” They didn’t.

“Now, which one of you punks is going to pay me to investigate this crime?” No one spoke up.

“Come on,” I said. “Don’t you all understand that the protection of private property is the foundation of all personal liberty?”

It didn’t seem like they did.

“Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I’m just going to stand here and not solve this case. Cash is fine, but I prefer being paid in gold bullion or autographed Penn Jillette posters.”

Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn’t care that a fortune in computer money invented to buy drugs was missing.

I figured I could wait them out. I lit several cigarettes indoors. A pregnant lady coughed, and I told her that secondhand smoke is a myth. Just then, a man in glasses made a break for it.

“Subway™ Eat Fresh and Freeze, Scumbag!®” I yelled.

Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.

“Stop right there!” I yelled as I ran. He was faster than me because I always try to avoid stepping on public sidewalks. Our country needs a private-sidewalk voucher system, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public-sidewalk lobby, it will never happen.

I was losing him. “Listen, I’ll pay you to stop!” I yelled. “What would you consider an appropriate price point for stopping? I’ll offer you a thirteenth of an ounce of gold and a gently worn ‘Bob Barr ‘08’ extra-large long-sleeved men’s T-shirt!”

He turned. In his hand was a revolver that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He fired at me and missed. I pulled my own gun, put a quarter in it, and fired back. The bullet lodged in a U.S.P.S. mailbox less than a foot from his head. I shot the mailbox again, on purpose.

“All right, all right!” the man yelled, throwing down his weapon. “I give up, cop! I confess: I took the bitcoins.”

“Why’d you do it?” I asked, as I slapped a pair of Oikos™ Greek Yogurt Presents Handcuffs® on the guy.

“Because I was afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Afraid of an economic future free from the pernicious meddling of central bankers,” he said. “I’m a central banker.”

I wanted to coldcock the guy. Years ago, a central banker killed my partner. Instead, I shook my head.

“Let this be a message to all your central-banker friends out on the street,” I said. “No matter how many bitcoins you steal, you’ll never take away the dream of an open society based on the principles of personal and economic freedom.”

He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he swiped his credit card to pay me for arresting him.

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Old 04-04-2014, 09:07 AM   #16
Garcia Bronco Garcia Bronco is offline
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3.1?

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Old 04-08-2014, 09:05 PM
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Old 04-08-2014, 09:19 PM   #17
Taco John Taco John is offline
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A worthy retort:


N.L.P.D.: Non-Libertarian Police Department
Law enforcement in America, brought to you by liberals and conservatives
CONOR FRIEDERSDORFAPR 7 2014, 8:21 AM ET


I can laugh along with parodies of libertarian ideology. But shouldn't a reductio ad absurdum start with a belief that the target of the satire actually holds? Tom O'Donnell proceeds as if libertarians object to the state enforcing property rights—that is to say, one of the very few state actions that virtually all libertarians find legitimate! If America's sheriffs were all summarily replaced by Libertarian Party officials selected at random, I'm sure some ridiculous things would happen. Just not any of the particular things that were described.

That isn't to say that there weren't parts of the article that made me laugh. It got me thinking too. If the non-libertarian approach to policing* was the target instead, would you need hyperbole or reductio ad absurdum? Or could you just write down what actually happens under the officials elected by non-libertarians? It is, of course, hard to make it funny when all the horrific examples are true.

* * *

I was just finishing up my shift by having sex with a prostitute when I got a call about an opportunity for overtime. A no-knock raid was going down across town.

"You're trying to have your salary spike this year to game the pension system, right?" my buddy told me. "Well, we're raiding a house where an informant says there's marijuana, and it's going to be awesome—we've got a $283,ooo military-grade armored SWAT truck and the kind of flash grenades that literally scared that one guy to death."

"Don't start without me," I told him. "I just have to stop by this pawn shop. It's run by some friends of mine from ATF. They paid this mentally disabled teenager $150 dollars to get a neck tattoo of a giant squid smoking a joint. Those guys are hilarious."

But when I got to the shop the guys weren't in any mood to joke around—something about having lost their guns again. That meant I had extra time to get to the raid. En route, I headed through a black and Latino neighborhood, and who did I see on the street? A teenage male who made what I would describe as a furtive movement.

So I threw him against a wall and frisked him. Then I realized I'd frisked the same kid a half-dozen times before. Never found anything. About 17 years old. Looked like he was mixed race. "What am I being arrested for?" he asked me. "For being a ****ing mutt," I told him. "I am going to break your ****in' arm off right now. Then I'm going to punch you in the face." I know stop-and-frisk is controversial, but it's like Ray Kelly said: "I go to communities of color. People want more." It meant a lot to us police officers when President Obama praised him.

By the time I arrived at the site of the raid it was after dark. Inside, there were the suspects, their kids, and the family dogs. We don't like to wait for suspects of nonviolent drug crimes to leave the house, or call on the phone and ask them to come out, or knock, because what if they flush the drugs we suspect them of having down the toilet? How would we ever win the War on Drugs if we let that happen?

So we go in with overwhelming force and firepower. Kick down the door and all that. Zealousness pays off, too. Just try to find me a free country where they arrest more people.

What happened at the raid?

No drugs found, but we did seize all the couple's cash anyway. Let them try to prove it's legit.

If memory serves, we shot some dogs to death on that raid too. I think it was two puppies, actually: One was 10 months old, and the other was three months old. Or wait. Was that the one where we killed a 9-year-old Labrador with its tail wagging? Shoot, actually, maybe it was the time that we tased and shot the Chihuahua? Man, these all blend together after a while. I know it wasn't the Akita we shot nine times. Or that Iraq War vet's rescue dog we killed. I don't think it was the the Jack Russell terrier or the golden retriever or that dog where the bullet also hit the 5-year-old. The point is that it was just a dog. It isn't like we arbitrarily pepper-sprayed a woman in the face, or shot an 80-year-old man as he lay in his own bed, or killed a mentally ill homeless guy by beating him to death.

Not that there's necessarily anything wrong with that!

Anyway, I won't be going on raids like that anymore. Nope, I'm 50 years old now. So I'll retire, and every month for the rest of my life I'll earn 90 percent of my peak salary—the one I inflated in my last year by working overtime. God bless Gray Davis.

Hey, what's the harm?

Not that my career in law enforcement is over. I'll be double-dipping. The FBI is my first choice. They take care of their own: Every time they've shot anyone since 1993 it's been deemed justified! The DEA could be fun too. I've always hated defense attorneys, so I'd take pleasure in tricking them into thinking we caught their clients one way, when really the information came from a secret, mass-surveillance program. Suckers. Of course, I could also go into the private sector. There's a lot of money to be made tracking the movements of millions of people, and then selling the information back to my former colleagues or to the highest bidder. Not that the license-plate-scanning business is a sure thing, what with surveillance drones on the horizon. I'd operate one. Especially once they start arming them! Anything but working as a guard or staff member in a juvenile prison.

Even I have my limits.

* * *

That's the great thing about an ideologically diverse media: All sides are objects of satire, that essential rhetorical tool for puncturing power and ridiculing ideological excesses. Thanks to The New Yorker**, America is now that much safer from a future where policing is controlled by radical libertarians who refuse to step on public sidewalks. And I'll keep looking to satirize problems with the non-libertarian approach to policing. Between us, we'll cover everything important.

* It should go without saying that there are many honest, courageous, talented police officers–and lots of average, mostly unobjectionable officers too. The bad apples are a minority, and while they're too often protected by colleagues, ultimate blame lies with the elected officials who neglect to pass necessary reforms, as well as an electorate that cares far too little about civil-liberties abuses.

** The New Yorker deserves credit for all sorts of excellent non-satirical reporting on criminal-justice abuses, from asset forfeiture to stop-and-frisk to executing innocent people. Yet somehow, when it's time to choose an ideological object of ridicule on the subject of policing, libertarians get the nod (what better tool than satire to stay totally within the comfort zone of the readership!). Could it be that the folks ordering street frisks and drone strikes are more deserving objects of ridicule?

http://www.theatlantic.com/politics/...rtment/360224/
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Old 04-09-2014, 05:21 AM   #18
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The rebuttal started off funny, until it turned into an orgy of police-hate. Libertarians should try to illustrate there is more to their ideology than that.
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Old 04-09-2014, 07:21 AM   #19
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I thought it was pretty good, but not as funny as the libertarian one.
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Old 04-09-2014, 09:36 AM   #20
Cochise Cochise is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by patteeu View Post
I thought it was pretty good, but not as funny as the libertarian one.
I think it's sad that the Libertarian party has been marginalized through the takeover of the Paul/Conspiracy theorist types, because the party did have something to offer on the political scene
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Old 04-09-2014, 09:47 AM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cochise View Post
I think it's sad that the Libertarian party has been marginalized through the takeover of the Paul/Conspiracy theorist types, because the party did have something to offer on the political scene
Yeah, I tend to agree.
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Old 04-09-2014, 02:42 PM   #22
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The rebuttal was a knockout punch. Well played.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cochise View Post
The rebuttal started off funny, until it turned into an orgy of police-hate. Libertarians should try to illustrate there is more to their ideology than that.
When responding to something specifically about how dysfunctional a "libertarian police department" would supposedly be, it's topical to point out what happens today in our own system.
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Old 04-09-2014, 07:41 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Cochise View Post
I think it's sad that the Libertarian party has been marginalized through the takeover of the Paul/Conspiracy theorist types, because the party did have something to offer on the political scene
Umm. Ron Paul is way less radical then most libertarians.

Also police and prosecutors abusing their authority isn't exactly new or uncommon. No need for a conspiracy there, it just so happens that when persons are given power with almost no oversight or consequences they will abuse it and the power hungry, corrupt, and bullies will be drawn to those occupations.
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Old 04-09-2014, 07:53 PM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GloucesterChief View Post
Umm. Ron Paul is way less radical then most libertarians.

Also police and prosecutors abusing their authority isn't exactly new or uncommon. No need for a conspiracy there, it just so happens that when persons are given power with almost no oversight or consequences they will abuse it and the power hungry, corrupt, and bullies will be drawn to those occupations.
But there used to be more to the libertarian voice online and on the political scene than scorched-earth Ron Paul-ism, conspiracy theorism, and I suppose you could include vehement hate for police, most of whom are well meaning and try to do their jobs honorably.
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Old 04-09-2014, 08:15 PM   #25
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But there used to be more to the libertarian voice online and on the political scene than scorched-earth Ron Paul-ism, conspiracy theorism, and I suppose you could include vehement hate for police, most of whom are well meaning and try to do their jobs honorably.
Most libertarians don't hate the idea of having a police force. What they do not like is the immunity the Supreme Court made up for police and prosecutors which has made it impossible to hold bad actors responsible. The war on drugs that has eroded fourth amendment rights and that a lot of policing has turned from investigating crimes to revenue generation due to the abuse of civil asset forfeiture.

Also, the fact that violent crime has been dropping for almost two decades but we imprison more people than places like China or Russia.

If you don't see major problems in the current criminal justice system you simply aren't paying attention.
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Old 04-09-2014, 09:50 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by patteeu View Post
I thought it was pretty good, but not as funny as the libertarian one.
Yeah except that everything in it is true.
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Old 04-09-2014, 10:16 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by suzzer99 View Post
Yeah except that everything in it is true.
Truth is often less funny than fiction.
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Old 04-10-2014, 12:55 AM   #28
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Originally Posted by Cochise View Post
I think it's sad that the Libertarian party has been marginalized through the takeover of the Paul/Conspiracy theorist types, because the party did have something to offer on the political scene
I wouldn't want them either, but the Libertarian Party has hardly been marginalized by them.
First, Ron Paul was and remains in the Republican Party. It's true. Look it up.

Second, it is hard to marginalize a party that had no power in the first place. How have Libertarian Party candidates fared? Whatever his perceived association with them, Paul has given the 'libertarian' brand more publicity than it ever had. More people probably associate with and call themselves "libertarians" than ever before.

Third, they were mostly the Pot Party anyway. A couple states making it legal and the feds backing off prosecutions took away their biggest issue.
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Old 04-10-2014, 07:45 AM   #29
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Old 04-10-2014, 08:04 AM   #30
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Originally Posted by cosmo20002 View Post
I wouldn't want them either, but the Libertarian Party has hardly been marginalized by them.
First, Ron Paul was and remains in the Republican Party. It's true. Look it up.

Second, it is hard to marginalize a party that had no power in the first place. How have Libertarian Party candidates fared? Whatever his perceived association with them, Paul has given the 'libertarian' brand more publicity than it ever had. More people probably associate with and call themselves "libertarians" than ever before.

Third, they were mostly the Pot Party anyway. A couple states making it legal and the feds backing off prosecutions took away their biggest issue.
As far as Paul goes, he didn't pull support from Republicans. He gave a few politically homeless people someone to vote for in a party primary, but what are the main issues that were pulling those people in? Primarily isolationism, abolish the fed, states rights, social liberalism, etc. He was pulling the few people he did pull out of libertarian camps, whether they identified as such or not.
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