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Old 06-16-2004, 03:06 PM  
Raiderhader Raiderhader is offline
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A duck walks into a bar...

and asks, "Got any grapes?"

The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell: ''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''

The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''

Confused, the bartender says no.

''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
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Old 06-16-2004, 03:07 PM   #2
Raiderhader Raiderhader is offline
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A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

The guy says, "75 cents."
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"Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, and disregard of all the rules."

-- George Orwell, Shooting an Elephant
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Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.
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Old 06-16-2004, 03:09 PM   #3
Raiderhader Raiderhader is offline
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I run into this problem all the time -


A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."
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"Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, and disregard of all the rules."

-- George Orwell, Shooting an Elephant
Posts: 17,293
Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.
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Old 06-16-2004, 03:12 PM   #4
Raiderhader Raiderhader is offline
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Clem pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Jed where he'd first had sex.

"It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," Clem recalled.

"That sounds wonderful," said Jed.

"Yes. It was okay until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

"Oh my God! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

"Baaaaa..."
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"Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, and disregard of all the rules."

-- George Orwell, Shooting an Elephant
Posts: 17,293
Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.
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Old 06-16-2004, 03:12 PM   #5
ExtremeChief ExtremeChief is offline
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A man who's anxiously awaiting a package to arrive calls his wife at home...

"Has the mailman come yet?", he inquires.


"Nope", replies his wife, "but his eyes are getting glassy."
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ExtremeChief is not part of the Right 53.ExtremeChief is not part of the Right 53.ExtremeChief is not part of the Right 53.ExtremeChief is not part of the Right 53.ExtremeChief is not part of the Right 53.ExtremeChief is not part of the Right 53.ExtremeChief is not part of the Right 53.ExtremeChief is not part of the Right 53.ExtremeChief is not part of the Right 53.ExtremeChief is not part of the Right 53.ExtremeChief is not part of the Right 53.
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Old 06-16-2004, 03:17 PM   #6
Raiderhader Raiderhader is offline
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Two rednecks, Bubba and Cooter, decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history and logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answered, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-whacker?"

"I sure do," answered the redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responded in awe.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZING!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Betty Mae! This is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why, that's the most fascinating thing I ever heard of! I can't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where Cooter was waiting.

"So, what classes are ya takin?" he asks.

"Math, history and logic," replies Bubba.

Cooter asks, "What is logic?"

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No."

"You're a queer, ain't ya?"
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"Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, and disregard of all the rules."

-- George Orwell, Shooting an Elephant
Posts: 17,293
Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.
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Old 06-16-2004, 03:19 PM   #7
Raiderhader Raiderhader is offline
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What do you call 88 rednecks in an orgy?

A family reunion.
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"Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, and disregard of all the rules."

-- George Orwell, Shooting an Elephant
Posts: 17,293
Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.
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Old 06-16-2004, 03:20 PM   #8
Raiderhader Raiderhader is offline
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What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?

Their last big hit was The Wall.
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"Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, and disregard of all the rules."

-- George Orwell, Shooting an Elephant
Posts: 17,293
Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.
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Old 06-16-2004, 03:24 PM   #9
Raiderhader Raiderhader is offline
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Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.


Love, Ma
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"Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, and disregard of all the rules."

-- George Orwell, Shooting an Elephant
Posts: 17,293
Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.
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Old 06-16-2004, 03:37 PM   #10
Raiderhader Raiderhader is offline
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How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.
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"Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, and disregard of all the rules."

-- George Orwell, Shooting an Elephant
Posts: 17,293
Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.
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Old 06-16-2004, 03:40 PM   #11
Raiderhader Raiderhader is offline
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A man was digging in his garden, when his shovel hit a hard object buried in the earth, which revealed itself to be an old bottle sealed with a cork. The man wrenched the cork free and, to his astonishment, there was a cloud of smoke and a clap of thunder. Standing before him was a genie.

"As a reward for freeing me, I shall grant you three wishes," said the genie, "But understand, whatever you wish for, your most hated enemy shall receive twice over."

The man's most hated enemy happened to be his next door neighbour, Jones. "Let's see. My first wish is..." He looked at his weather beaten bungalow, "...to live in a ten story luxury mansion.' The genie clapped his hands and suddenly his minute shack transformed into the most beautiful house he had ever laid eyes on. He heard a cry of astonishment from next door and looked over to see Jones standing in the doorway of his new twenty story mansion. "Now I want fifty of the most beautiful women imaginable." said the man. There was a puff of smoke and his wish was granted. He was annoyed, however, to see Jones grinning and waving, surrounded by his own harem of 100 women, all twice as attractive.

"What is your final wish, Master?' asked the genie.

"I want to lose a testicle," said the man.
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"Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, and disregard of all the rules."

-- George Orwell, Shooting an Elephant
Posts: 17,293
Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.
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Old 06-16-2004, 03:42 PM   #12
Raiderhader Raiderhader is offline
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A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."
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"Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, and disregard of all the rules."

-- George Orwell, Shooting an Elephant
Posts: 17,293
Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.
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Old 06-16-2004, 03:54 PM   #13
Raiderhader Raiderhader is offline
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You're so gay, you could sit on a lollipop and guess its flavor.
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"Serious sport has nothing to do with fair play. It is bound up with hatred, jealousy, boastfulness, and disregard of all the rules."

-- George Orwell, Shooting an Elephant
Posts: 17,293
Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.Raiderhader threw an interception on a screen pass.
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Old 06-16-2004, 04:16 PM   #14
Zebedee DuBois Zebedee DuBois is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by raiderhader
I run into this problem all the time -


A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

The string walks away a little upset and sits down with his friends. A few minutes later he goes back to the bar and orders a beer. The bartender, looking a little exasperated, says, "I'm sorry, we don't serve strings here."

So the string goes back to his table. Then he gets an idea. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. Then he walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?"

And the string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

This one has always been one of my favorites. It is much better heard aloud than read.
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Zebedee DuBois must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Zebedee DuBois must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Zebedee DuBois must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Zebedee DuBois must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Zebedee DuBois must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Zebedee DuBois must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Zebedee DuBois must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Zebedee DuBois must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Zebedee DuBois must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Zebedee DuBois must have mowed badgirl's lawn.Zebedee DuBois must have mowed badgirl's lawn.
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Old 06-16-2004, 04:53 PM   #15
Baby Lee Baby Lee is online now
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Guy is getting his drink on at a bar, when he gets the urge to drain the lizard. Goes into the bathroom and steps up to the urinal. As he's pissing, a short red-headed person dressed all in green sidles up next to him.
"What's this?"
"Hi, It's your lucky day. I'm Pippin the Leprechaun, and I have the power to grant your every wish."
"What's the catch?"
"You have to let me eff you in the A first."
Guy thinks it over, and the visions of riches, power and a lifetime of nubile women overpower his revulsion.
"Deal."
So Pippin goes to work on Guy's starfish.
In flagrante delicto Pippin starts up a conversation.
"Say, Guy. I never got your name."
"Larry"
"Larry, how old are you?"
"30"
"30 years old. . . and you still believe in Leprechauns?"
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Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.Baby Lee is obviously part of the inner Circle.
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