News Hypothetical: Depopulating a region

**Rain Man** · 02-17-2015, 08:56 PM

Here's the situation:

You take a tour of Cape Canaveral, and put a dollar into one of those glass donations things at the end.

All of a sudden, bells ring, confetti falls, balloons go every which way, and the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders begin dancing around you. You're their 10,000,000th visitor!

As a prize, you get your choice of a 3-day Caribbean cruise, $1 million, or a job as an astronaut. Like any sane person, you select the astronaut job and join the corps.

Ninety days later, you're swinging around in one of those centrifuge things alongside a chimpanzee when big news comes in. A large meteor is headed toward the earth.

NASA immediately begins plans to intercept the meteor and redirect it using explosives. They identify a crack team of astronauts to man the mission. Unfortunately, one of the space suit technicians doesn't believe in vaccinating children, so he and all of the other astronauts get the measles, leaving only you and the chimpanzee, whose name is Hal.

Needing four people, NASA assigns you, Hal the chimp, Senator John Glenn, and Hollywood legend Bruce Willis to the mission. You take off.

Unfortunately, there is an incident en route, and Hal the chimpanzee eats the faces off of Bruce Willis and John Glenn. Fortunately, you were on a space walk at the time. Hal attempts to keep you locked out, but you gain access, use a mechanized fork lift to fend him off, and force him out of the air lock.

That now poses another problem, because you need at least two primates to successfully divert the meteor. With only one of you, all you can do is direct where it'll hit on earth and how big the impact will be. Due to a very effective lobbying effort by PETA, you cannot send the meteor into the ocean or any uninhabited area.

A direct hit will wipe out a particular region, killing the entire population. Where do you send it?

Politically insensitive poll to follow.

**lewdog** · 02-17-2015, 08:58 PM

DENVER.

EASY.

**Bugeater** · 02-17-2015, 09:00 PM

Don't need no stinkin' poll, I'll go Boston.

**RealSNR** · 02-17-2015, 09:03 PM

Can I cut the meteor in half and send both parts towards Hiroshima AND Nagasaki?

**cdcox** · 02-17-2015, 09:04 PM

John Elway's house.

Prison Bitch · 02-17-2015, 09:12 PM

Iran.

Coochie liquor · 02-17-2015, 09:25 PM

I went Iraq, almost said Denver, but apparently too many Planeteers live near there. So Iraq is what I went with.

Hydrae · 02-17-2015, 09:45 PM

Siberia, recreate Tunguska

keg in kc · 02-17-2015, 09:47 PM

Give me $20 worth of taco bell and I'll clear out overland park.

**OnTheWarpath15** · 02-17-2015, 09:48 PM

Is it big enough to wipe out the entire Middle East?

**The Franchise** · 02-17-2015, 09:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by OnTheWarpath58

Is it big enough to wipe out the entire Middle East?

I voted Iraq in hopes that it is.

**Ragged Robin** · 02-17-2015, 09:52 PM

how do you direct a meteor and get to choose exactly where it lands if the earth is rotating? if that's the case just land it in the pacific ocean somewhere or direct it, you know, away from earth altogether

**TimeForWasp** · 02-17-2015, 09:57 PM

Saudi Arabia, They are laughing every time they pay for these other middle east countries to do their dirty work.

Why Not? · 02-17-2015, 10:07 PM

Canada. Sick of them riding our coat tails. Plus, let's be honest, if we weren't around they would be overthrown in about 2 days anyway.

BucEyedPea · 02-17-2015, 10:08 PM

I would direct off path away from earth toward Mars. We don't need no stinkin' Mars.

View Poll Results: Where do you direct the meteor?
Canada – lots of northward expansion opportunity	1	1.67%
California – no more granola-eating, sandal-wearing longhairs	5	8.33%
Denver – no more marijuana-toking fans of cheating football teams	6	10.00%
Oakland – Commitment to extinction, baby.	2	3.33%
New York – no more east coast bias	1	1.67%
New England - I don't like their accents, and they've gotten enough breaks already with Brady.	2	3.33%
Texas – no more big hair, big hats, and overrated barbecue	2	3.33%
Mississippi – let West Virginia rank last for a while	1	1.67%
Some other jurisdiction in the U.S. (specify below) – Your cream soda and cheese steaks are not the best	0	0%
Cuba – you want contact? Here’s contact	0	0%
Mexico – no need to build that wall now	0	0%
Some country in central America or the Caribbean (specify below) – no more walls, no more aggressive vendors at cruise ports	0	0%
Some South American country (specify below) – no more hiding Nazis	0	0%
Some central African country (specify below) – let’s knock the wind out of the ebola virus	0	0%
Some southern African country (specify below) – let’s knock the wind out of the AIDS virus	0	0%
Some other African country (specify below) – I’m not racist. I just don’t like them.	0	0%
Some European country (specify below) – no more smug socialism	1	1.67%
Russia – Reagan outlawed you. I'm here to serve the warrant.	2	3.33%
Palestine – well, that problem is finally settled (dusting off hands)	1	1.67%
Israel – Okay, there. It’s gone. Are you satisfied, muslim world?	2	3.33%
Egypt – You haven’t been productive in 4,000 years. Let’s try a reboot.	0	0%
Syria – Just go away. Syriasly.	9	15.00%
Afghanistan – Kabul? No, kaboom. You have been tali-banned.	0	0%
Iran – Stuxnet’s not such a big deal now, is it? Is it? Rocky Sickmann says bye.	7	11.67%
Iraq – Babylon is gone, baby. Babylon is long gone.	2	3.33%
Saudi Arabia – Seriously, no bikinis? You deserve this.	5	8.33%
Some other middle eastern country (specify below) – Because I can only take out one.	0	0%
Libya – Okay, now we’re even for that Pan Am thing and shooting Dr. Emmett Brown	0	0%
Somalia – I got your failed state and pirates right here (grabbing crotch)	0	0%
India – Seriously, there’s just too many of you. Let's be honest. We all know that.	0	0%
Bangladesh – You’re just one monsoon away anyway.	0	0%
China – I support American manufacturing and am ticked off about Tibet	3	5.00%
Vietnam – Okay, now we’re tied.	1	1.67%
North Korea – Remember the Sony-mo!	1	1.67%
Some other Asian country (specify below) – no more human trafficking and cheap restaurant delivery	0	0%
Some Oceanic country (specify below) – I’m jealous of people who live on tropical islands.	1	1.67%
Some research station in Antarctica – It’ll make a nice soft plop and not hurt too many people	2	3.33%
Other place not specified (specify below) – I will specify a custom place to liquefy.	3	5.00%
Voters: 60. You may not vote on this poll

02-17-2015, 08:56 PM
Rain Man Seize life. Be an ermine. Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: My house Casino cash: $-542449 VARSITY	Hypothetical: Depopulating a region Here's the situation: You take a tour of Cape Canaveral, and put a dollar into one of those glass donations things at the end. All of a sudden, bells ring, confetti falls, balloons go every which way, and the Miami Dolphins cheerleaders begin dancing around you. You're their 10,000,000th visitor! As a prize, you get your choice of a 3-day Caribbean cruise, $1 million, or a job as an astronaut. Like any sane person, you select the astronaut job and join the corps. Ninety days later, you're swinging around in one of those centrifuge things alongside a chimpanzee when big news comes in. A large meteor is headed toward the earth. NASA immediately begins plans to intercept the meteor and redirect it using explosives. They identify a crack team of astronauts to man the mission. Unfortunately, one of the space suit technicians doesn't believe in vaccinating children, so he and all of the other astronauts get the measles, leaving only you and the chimpanzee, whose name is Hal. Needing four people, NASA assigns you, Hal the chimp, Senator John Glenn, and Hollywood legend Bruce Willis to the mission. You take off. Unfortunately, there is an incident en route, and Hal the chimpanzee eats the faces off of Bruce Willis and John Glenn. Fortunately, you were on a space walk at the time. Hal attempts to keep you locked out, but you gain access, use a mechanized fork lift to fend him off, and force him out of the air lock. That now poses another problem, because you need at least two primates to successfully divert the meteor. With only one of you, all you can do is direct where it'll hit on earth and how big the impact will be. Due to a very effective lobbying effort by PETA, you cannot send the meteor into the ocean or any uninhabited area. A direct hit will wipe out a particular region, killing the entire population. Where do you send it? Politically insensitive poll to follow.
Posts: 145,342

02-17-2015, 08:58 PM	#2
lewdog Mod Team Join Date: Sep 2011 Location: Valley of the hot as **** Casino cash: $-1448100	DENVER. EASY.
Posts: 46,325

02-17-2015, 09:00 PM	#3
Bugeater The Maintenance Guy Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: Renovated Bugeater Estate Casino cash: $3992680	Don't need no stinkin' poll, I'll go Boston.
Posts: 70,546

02-17-2015, 09:04 PM	#5
cdcox www.nfl-forecast.com Join Date: Sep 2000 Casino cash: $-498231	John Elway's house.
Posts: 46,032

02-17-2015, 09:12 PM	#6
Prison Bitch Rabbi Goldmann Join Date: Nov 2012 Casino cash: $5450159	Iran.
Posts: 87,025

02-17-2015, 09:25 PM	#7
Coochie liquor Bolton gonna knock you out Join Date: Mar 2014 Location: They Freed Kartel!! Casino cash: $-877606	I went Iraq, almost said Denver, but apparently too many Planeteers live near there. So Iraq is what I went with. __________________ 2025 Adopt a Chief - Travis “Swifty Slayer” Kelce The Travis Kelce farewell tour SB MVP incoming!
Posts: 21,693

02-17-2015, 09:45 PM	#8
Hydrae MVP Join Date: Jul 2001 Location: Newport, Or Casino cash: $-1053000	Siberia, recreate Tunguska
Posts: 14,855

02-17-2015, 09:47 PM	#9
keg in kc oxymoron Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: OP/KC/Whatever Casino cash: $9556299	Give me $20 worth of taco bell and I'll clear out overland park.
Posts: 58,682

02-17-2015, 09:48 PM	#10
OnTheWarpath15 MVP Join Date: Sep 2005 Casino cash: $2141115	Is it big enough to wipe out the entire Middle East?
Posts: 60,750

02-17-2015, 09:57 PM	#13
TimeForWasp Sprinkle in some Mahomes Join Date: Dec 2005 Location: Butte Montana Casino cash: $7658507	Saudi Arabia, They are laughing every time they pay for these other middle east countries to do their dirty work. __________________ Posted via Slingshot using Rocks eBay sniper
Posts: 8,271

02-17-2015, 10:07 PM	#14
Why Not? In Search of a Life Join Date: Apr 2013 Location: Kansas Casino cash: $-551006	Canada. Sick of them riding our coat tails. Plus, let's be honest, if we weren't around they would be overthrown in about 2 days anyway.
Posts: 23,827

02-17-2015, 10:08 PM	#15
BucEyedPea Here comes Peter Cottontail! Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: None of your business Casino cash: $-160037	I would direct off path away from earth toward Mars. We don't need no stinkin' Mars. __________________ Hello, Bearcat. Two Questions: Are you Malcor? Because call-out threads don't get moved to the Romper Room, but asking who Malcor is, as in being mult was moved there. Only a mod can do that. Why is DC getting over-moderated these days?
Posts: 168,370