For the married GUYS

[chagrin]

Serious question here, naturally I expect all sorts of replies so that's cool BUT:

How hard was it for you to let go of your selfishness and turn everything over to your marriage? Other than when you had your first child?

[keg in kc]

How hard was it for you to let go of your selfishness and turn everything over to your marriage? Pretty easy the first time.

It'll be impossible should there ever be a second time. Being part of a pair isn't mutually exclusive with being yourself.

[KCTitus]

not hard at all...never gave it a moments thought.

[BigRedChief]

Serious question here, naturally I expect all sorts of replies so that's cool BUT:

How hard was it for you to let go of your selfishness and turn everything over to your marriage? Other than when you had your first child?

If you aren't ready to share everything and do anything to stay around your partner you can't be in love. When you are in love theres no decision. No second thoughts. It's the only path you can even think of taking.

[HemiEd]

Not Selfish, turn everything over to the marriage? Nope, it is more fun to be selfish. But I have been married so long that I can hardly remember life before hand.

[bogie]

It took me two marriages. The first I never really got it. I was not good at being married. The second, I think I'm better at it. Not sure I've turned everything over to my marriage. Fortunately, the second time around, I married someone that accepts some of my selfishness.

[mlyonsd]

Call me different but I consider it a two sided on-going thing. I'm not sure you can ever truly "turn everything over to your marriage". After 25 years of marriage I've come to learn it's all about compromise.

[ct]

Call me different but I consider it a two sided on-going thing. I'm not sure you can ever truly "turn everything over to your marriage". After 25 years of marriage I've come to learn it's all about compromise.

I agree totally with this. Fully committing to your spouse does not mean turning everything in, or else it's not a true partnership. You must however, be willing to compromise on anything and everything. Both of you!

And by the way, it's easy to be willing, but working thru those compromises isn't always. Even when it's great(as mine feels), it's no cake-walk. Gotta work hard to keep it strong.

And congrats on 25, that's something to be proud of! :clap:

[ROYC75]

Call me different but I consider it a two sided on-going thing. I'm not sure you can ever truly "turn everything over to your marriage". After 25 years of marriage I've come to learn it's all about compromise.

This is true, another is when you decide what is priority and what isn't. If you always put yourself first, you basically have no reason to be married.

[J Diddy]

This is true, another is when you decide what is priority and what isn't. If you put yourself first, you basically have no reason to be married.

Hey 3 years into it and it's working out great for me.



:)

[siberian khatru]

Call me different but I consider it a two sided on-going thing. I'm not sure you can ever truly "turn everything over to your marriage". After 25 years of marriage I've come to learn it's all about compromise.

I agree. I haven't "turned everything over" to my marriage. I still do things that interest only me -- cigars, comic books, fantasy sports leagues; I also do things that only interest my wife, although one of the reasons for our success (13 years of marriage, several more dating/co-habiting) is that we share so many mutual interests, particularly when it comes to the home and family, that there's few instances where one of us is totally sacrificing.

If you feel like you've got to become someone else to make your marriage work, I'd say you've married the wrong person.

[ROYC75]

Hey 3 years into it and it's working out great for me.



:)


She is very understanding and easy to get along with then.

[ptlyon]

She is very understanding and easy to get along with then.

She is. ;)

[J Diddy]

She is very understanding and easy to get along with then.

Nope I just put my fingers and my ears and say over and over "I can't hear you" each time getting louder.

[Lzen]

Wow, just wow. The last several replies have been outstanding. :thumb: I agree with most everything said. I would just add that for my wife and I, we believe that putting God at the center of our marriage/life is extremely important in having a successful marriage.

I'm sorry to hear about some of the guys on here who've had bad experiences. Sometimes people marry for the wrong reasons and/or marry the wrong person and it doesn't work out. But you both have to work to keep it good. And when it's good, you're both happy.

[/sappy mode off]

[Lzen]

Nope I just put my fingers and my ears and say over and over "I can't hear you" each time getting louder.

lol

[ptlyon]

.

[J Diddy]

All kidding aside,

My first wife was all about her and it didn't work for more than 3 months. The separation before the divorce was the best part of the marriage.

My second and current is probably the most unselfish person I have ever met.

Although I have changed alot in the 6 years since I married my first wife, I still like to have my space and stuff. The difference is where as the first wife felt slighted by it my current wife actually encourages it.

[PastorMikH]

Wow, my sermon yesterday morning was partially about this type of thing. I'm married to a wonderful lady. However, there have been times when we have had problems. I want to blame her, but I had to come to the realization that part of the reason she was acting this way was because of the way I was acting. In the sermon yesterday, I addressed the issue that we often times think that because we love that person, they should do things for us. When in reality, if we love them, we will do things for them without regard for what we get out of the deal. And when we give like that, if the other person isn't like J Diddy's first wife (which some people just are - sorry to hear about it J, glad to hear your present wife is much better), they in turn will give back to us out of their love for us. In closing yesterday, I told the people that if we ever feel like our spouse, parents, kids don't love us, then we should ask ourselves if we have put any effort into showing them our love.

[Mr. Kotter]

Serious question here, naturally I expect all sorts of replies so that's cool BUT:

How hard was it for you to let go of your selfishness and turn everything over to your marriage? Other than when you had your first child?

So THAT'S why my wife hates me.... :hmmm:

[gblowfish]

Yes Dear.
You're Right.
I'm Sorry.

(repeat daily for 14 years....)

[Dartgod]

How hard was it for you to let go of your selfishness and turn everything over to your marriage?
Hang on, let me ask my wife.

Honey?.....

[Iowanian]

I'm still learning, but I'm not quite sure what you mean by "turning everything over". I'm not selfish by nature and neither is she.

If you mean half my house....I kept a room for myself(the Man room). If you mean money? Its Ours. As long as we're both financially responsible(and we are) I don't really care what she does. I won't bitch about Mission style End Tables she ordered to match the new Coffee table, if she leaves me the hell alone about a new Bow, 3D camo, or my 7-8th treestand.

I think the secret has been to take a deep breath sometimes and let some things go, know when to put my foot down and when to take my medicine when I'm a bad dog. I kept most of my hobbies, though I don't have as much time, and once in a while miss something I want to do, to go visit her folks or something.

Sometimes, its as simple as after being caught spacing off and glazed over when they're telling you about the new tupperware or work, as apologizing and trying really hard to listen better if she says it again. Its about making an effort to hang shit on the wall, that you wouldn't hang on the wall, and won't notice again.....but it makes her happy.

Its as simple as compromising most of the time, not marrying a psycho to start with, putting your foot down when needed, but not too often, doing things together, and taking time apart.

I have Not found Marraige to be difficult.......but then again, she thinks and says on command that I'm "the beeeest husband of aaaaaaaaall the husbands". That'll happen when you kiss them Reeeeally good the first time.Its my gift, its my curse, but it is an awesome power to behold.

I can tune yours up for a fair price, must pay shipping and handling and room and board plus Fees.

[Rain Man]

I agree with most of the previous posts. You turn over your material stuff to the marriage unequivocally. I've never understood marriages where each spouse is paying XX% of the mortgage and the bills. That creates a lot of unnecessary stress and resentment, I would think.

As far as personal stuff, you have to be yourself and not just part of a couple.

[chagrin]

"Its my gift, its my curse"
Iowanian - should I call you Frank Black from here on out?

[mlyonsd]

That'll happen when you kiss them Reeeeally good the first time.Its my gift, its my curse, but it is an awesome power to behold.

I can tune yours up for a fair price, must pay shipping and handling and room and board plus Fees.

Heh, I'm not sure how many women can be "tuned up" by a guy running around smelling like doe piss all the time but I admire your entrpreneurship.

[chagrin]

Okay, maybe I can be a little more specific - Thanks for the replies on this topic by the way guys...

I'm not talking about giving up your dreams, or anything "huge" like that, but at the same time, what was the most difficult thing for you to adapt to, or fully commit to about your marriage? I don't mean the whole "sex with one woman" thing. For me, putting her and her daughter first has been a rough transition for me. I don't question it, the love is there and there is no 'doubt' about my duties as a man. Does that help any?

P.S. This is an inner conflict, not a problem we are having together, just to clarify...

[Dartgod]

Okay, maybe I can be a little more specific - Thanks for the replies on this topic by the way guys...

I'm not talking about giving up your dreams, or anything "huge" like that, but at the same time, what was the most difficult thing for you to adapt to, or fully commit to about your marriage? I don't mean the whole "sex with one woman" thing. For me, putting her and her daughter first has been a rough transition for me. I don't question it, the love is there and there is no 'doubt' about my duties as a man. Does that help any?

P.S. This is an ineer conflict, not a problem we are having together, just to clarify...
Again, I will get back to you as soon as my wife tells me what to say.

[Mr. Kotter]

Okay, maybe I can be a little more specific - Thanks for the replies on this topic by the way guys...

I'm not talking about giving up your dreams, or anything "huge" like that, but at the same time, what was the most difficult thing for you to adapt to, or fully commit to about your marriage? I don't mean the whole "sex with one woman" thing. For me, putting her and her daughter first has been a rough transition for me. I don't question it, the love is there and there is no 'doubt' about my duties as a man. Does that help any?

P.S. This is an inner conflict, not a problem we are having together, just to clarify...

Okay, if we wanna be serious....I agree with much of what Iowanian has said, but:

Marriage didn't become difficult for us until kids entered the equation. Now, we waited seven years to have kids, so maybe the transition was more difficult because of it. When it was just the two of us, there was plenty of time for "us" and plenty of time for "me." Once kids entered the picture, there had to be time for kids, time for kids, and time for kids....which leaves little time for "me" and even less time for "us."

Don't get me wrong, we both wanted kids, and love our children dearly, but after 24 years of "me, me, me" and 7 years of "me" and "us," it was a big adjustment going to "kids, kids, kids." (My job allows me to "multi-task" some on the Planet during the some days, otherwise I'd probably spend a lot less time here....)

Understand, that my wife and I are very committed to raising our children the right way--we don't use the electronic babysitters much, we spend a lot of one-on-one time, and we talk with our kids constantly. My wife went to a "job-share" and is home with the two younger kids half time--even though, financially, that has meant some serious sacrifices. I'm not saying raising kids any other way is wrong, but a lot of parents seem to no longer parent but rather they babysit their kids, IMHO. So our parenting "style" creates a dilemma: how do we make time for "me" and for "us," while being the parents we want to be?

Over time, and as the four kids have gotten older, we force ourselves to make two "date" nights a month; and we try to set aside at least 45 min. to an hour for "me" time each day. Unfortunately, it often comes once the kids are in bed, and we are dog-tired from our work day, and takin' care of the kids. So turnin' on the TV, hoppin' on ChiefsPlanet, and reading are about the only things I seem to have the energy to do. We are slowly finding a happy medium, I think....we are finally exercising again, we "schedule" time for us, we "schedule" one-on-one time with each of the four kids at least a couple of times a month, and we are beginning to worry less about the "house" and the "yard"....although that's still a struggle.

In my experience, it's like so many things in life: it isn't easy. You have to be committed, you have to work at it, and you have to be willing to compromise. (Otherwise, it's easy to say "fugg it" and walk away. IMHO, that's why so many marriages fail....not because of a lack of love, but because it's not easy. It's hard. (FTR, I do understand divorce IS the right thing for many couples; I just maintain too many give up, before actually trying, REALLY trying, to work things out.) And a lot of folks simply take the easy way out, IMHO.

[stevieray]

all you need is love. you reap what you sow.

[Mr. Kotter]

all you need is love.

Love works great in the beginning....and it can take you a long way, but I contend it also takes a LOT of committment, and a LOT of work.

[stevieray]

Love works great in the beginning....and it can take you a long way, but I contend it also takes a LOT of committment, and a LOT of work.

love is comittment, and love is alot of work....

if it wasn't, what would it be worth?

[Mr. Kotter]

love is comittment, and love is alot of work....

if it wasn't, what would it be worth?

The fairy tales make it look way easier than it is, heh. :p

[jidar1]

Man this is so depressing.
I've been married for 10 years and we've had our ups and downs but I've never looked at marriage as "a lot of hard work" that was "full of sacrifices".
I'm as lazy as they come, and believe me If it was that bad I wouldn't be in it.

[mlyonsd]

Okay, maybe I can be a little more specific - Thanks for the replies on this topic by the way guys...

I'm not talking about giving up your dreams, or anything "huge" like that, but at the same time, what was the most difficult thing for you to adapt to, or fully commit to about your marriage? I don't mean the whole "sex with one woman" thing. For me, putting her and her daughter first has been a rough transition for me. I don't question it, the love is there and there is no 'doubt' about my duties as a man. Does that help any?

P.S. This is an inner conflict, not a problem we are having together, just to clarify...

Ugh, my answer stays the same. Whether you've been together 10 months or 10 years, you'll always be confronted with situations that call for compromise.

The "inner" conflicts almost always are a result of a situation IMO. My wife and I have been married so long I have trouble thinking of things where one of us drew a line in the sand so to speak. The only one I can remember is exactly one week after we had been married I set the alarm to go hunting in the morning. She didn't think I needed to do my own thing quite so soon so she turned off the alarm without telling me. At about 5 in the morning I was woken up by my hunting buddies pounding on my door. Rather then get mad I just got up and told her we'd talk about it when I got back. Things had calmed down by the time I did return and I learned about compromise right then and there when she didn't make it out to be a big deal and even though she wanted me to stay home she wasn't going to try and change me. I've been "whooped" ever since.

My little story doesn't mean much in the big scheme of things except for one thing. Pick your battles wisely, some things aren't worth the fight in the long run.

[Mr. Kotter]

Man this is so depressing.
I've been married for 10 years and we've had our ups and downs but I've never looked at marriage as "a lot of hard work" that was "full of sacrifices".
I'm as lazy as they come, and believe me If it was that bad I wouldn't be in it.

If you have two people who are both "laid back" and "easy going" or who just "go with the flow"....it can be easy. I wish I was more that way sometimes.

And though I'm like that sometimes (especially in social situations), I'm not like that in my career, in how I want to live my life, and how I want to raise kids. Strong-willed, ambitious, and industriuous people are often demanding of others--in part, because they expect so much of themselves. When you get two of those in a marriage, that can take some serious compromise to reach a comfortable point. FTR, my wife is much more so than I am...but we can both be opinionated and stubborn to change, so that's something you have to work at.

[CrazyHorse]

We never really give up our selfishness. We only change what we want.

My wife and I have been together 20 years. The longer we are together, the more our wants are the same.

The more obvious answer to your question is that it depends on the person. In many cases, the answer would be never.

But in my case, I developed such a profound respect for my wife, that nothing was more important than earning hers. You see, in a way it was selfishness on my part. But the thing that makes me the happiest, is making her happy.

In short, you have to love her more than you love yourself.

Most people never get there. It isn't required to have a successful relationship. But it sure makes life better.

[chagrin]

Thanks dudes, I appreciate the input. Gotta run, making Alfredo from scratch!

P.S. We are not married yet, but have the date and I am just "taking personal inventory" (stolen yes I know) and wanted to know if what I am feeling/thinking is considered "normal".

I have no problem putting them first, it's just that - like some of you I am sure - I have been a very independent dude for most of my life and I am having to learn the role of stepdad, whew! It's tough sometimes but very rewarding personally, she's a great kid that just needs to see a stable homelife. I enjoy "helping" providing that for her. I wasn't fishing for anything deeper guys, thank you for the time, really!

Iowanian, I knew you were an ole softy!
:p

[tommykat]

Wow, my sermon yesterday morning was partially about this type of thing. I'm married to a wonderful lady. However, there have been times when we have had problems. I want to blame her, but I had to come to the realization that part of the reason she was acting this way was because of the way I was acting. In the sermon yesterday, I addressed the issue that we often times think that because we love that person, they should do things for us. When in reality, if we love them, we will do things for them without regard for what we get out of the deal. And when we give like that, if the other person isn't like J Diddy's first wife (which some people just are - sorry to hear about it J, glad to hear your present wife is much better), they in turn will give back to us out of their love for us. In closing yesterday, I told the people that if we ever feel like our spouse, parents, kids don't love us, then we should ask ourselves if we have put any effort into showing them our love.

So I'm not a guy, but :clap: Works both ways........very nice Mike!

[Mr. Kotter]

So I'm not a guy, but :clap: Works both ways........very nice Mike!

MY answer was better. :harumph:

:p

[Imon Yourside]

I would suggest not expecting a compromise about "Hey I met this new girl at work and she's taking me out to dinner tonight" or "Honey can we adopt an 18 year old vietnamese girl?" and always avoid the "Open" marriages, they just dun work! :p