The telemarketer

[Kclee]

If you're the type of person that likes messing with telemarketers, give this one a try.(and no this is not me)


The phone rang as I was setting down to my anticipated evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer". Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling? The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber band Powered Freezer company or something like that. Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. I then said off to the side, "get really good pictures of the body and all the blood", then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to appear in the local courthouse to testify in this murder case. I then questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call. The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice. I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody, at that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away. My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes. My meal was cold, but after what I had pulled, it was the best meal in a long, long time.

[PastorMikH]

ROFLROFL

[morphius]

Very nice, LMAO.

[Simplex3]

Much more elaborate version of my old stand by for wrong numbers:

Them - "Hi, is ##### there?"
Me - "Oh man, haven't you heard? He/She died in a car wreck this morning..."

[onescrewleftuntwisted]

gonna have to try that sometime

[Halfcan]

My Grandmother recently house sat for me when I was on vacation. When I got home she had a list of messages. Usual stuff. Then she mentioned my friend with a long distant company called-of course I knew it was a telemarketer but went along. "Oh yes, she was so nice, she can save you a nickel on this and do this and that- and preceded to list about 20 services this so called friend was going to help me out with. My Grandma gets lonely and loves to talk on the phone, so I can only imagine how long she had this poor lady on the phone. My Grandma said "she was so nice and we talked at great length, until I told her you were out of town and I was just house sitting. "The strangest thing-the lady said she had an emergency and then hung up." Oh man I was laughing-knowing my Grandma she probably had the lady on the phone at least an hour trying to make an impossible sale.

[Ninjaman]

Do not call is working for me.

Time we recognize that the gov can do good once in a while.

[Halfcan]

Ninjaman I would be scared to call with that sword in your hand.

[trndobrd]

murder scene...I love it!

Here are my old standbys:

Newspaper or Magazine sales = "I can't read"

Credit Cards = "Credit card companies are the Vampires of the American economy, they are the reason the Chineese will own America by 2020. Why do you hate America?"

or

"How quickly can I get the credit card? My attorney is filing the bankruptcy paperwork on the first of the month."

long distance telephone service = "I don't have a telephone" (Triple point score if you can get the telemarketer to believe his is not talking to you on a telephone...it can be done)

Seamless vinyl siding = "I live in a tree house"

all other calls = GF makes loud moaning noises, I ask to hear more information on their fine product, occassionally interrupting with a "oh yeah, just like that" or "that's it, right there baby".

Police fraternal organization = (I used this when I lived in CA) "The pigs are just the tool of The Man, keepin the people down"

or

(My GF used this several months ago) "The Fraternal Order of Police came out against concealed carry. Why don't the police want to allow a law abiding single female such as myself to defend herself? Are the police going to be there if I'm attacked? Why do the police want me to be raped?"

[chagrin]

I always got a kick out of:

"Is Mrs. Orndorff in?"
"Yeah, let me get my d*ck out of her mouth so she can talk to you."

[Iowanian]

I've spent alot of time, and have related several samples in the past, torturing telemarketers.

My "go to" if I'm not feeling creative, is to do the "yaaaaaaaaak" noise, as seen on Dumb and Dumber.

Sometimes, I'll let them do their speil(no so much since Brideowanian moved in), and at the end, right as they think they've made the sale.....I ask them some random question and wait for the "uhhhhh I'm not sure or I'll have to check on that" and then say "Great, find out and call me back".

Ex...NRA....."so, would you like to support this great cause?"
"How many teeth does a Badger have?"
"uhhhhhhh I don't know"
"find out, and get back to me"


I've done things like grunt like I was on the toilet..pfffft Oh...pfffffft uh"...Yeah, please continue.....

Another time, I know I told them to send whatever they wanted, and when they went to "confirm the address" I said "I don't know"
"Sir, you don't know your own address?"
"I'm just robbing this place"
"we can send the police"
"I don't care, the good stuff is already in the van and I'm on the way out"

I'll wager I've ended up on more than one training tape.

[Area 51]

do ya think ya might have caused a heart attack?

[ChiTown]

I just tell them to phuck off, and I hang up. It works for me.

[trndobrd]

Here's one a buddy of mine used to use...

"Hi, this is Bob with Worthless Long Distance, if I told you that you could save $20 a month on your long distance....."

my buddy interrupts with the following:

"For hot boy-on-boy action, press 1. For hot talk with a hunky male, press 2. For a smoking good time with a Asian guy, press 3. If you're just curious, press 4. To repeat this menu, press the star key."

[chagrin]

this one is also good:

When they are doing the pitch, say:

"hey what's your name again?"
"bob"
"okay Bob, I gat a joke for you, what is six inches long and hangs down"
"what"
"a bat"
"What's six inches long and hangs up?"
"what"
click...

[rageeumr]

My "go to" if I'm not feeling creative, is to do the "yaaaaaaaaak" noise, as seen on Dumb and Dumber.

I think you mean Ace Ventura :p

[Iowanian]

I think I meant what I said...Dumb and Dumber...

"whats the most annoying noise in the world?"
"I don't know"
"yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhk!"

[C-Mac]

ROFL

Below is a copy of a lengthy post from someone else here I had thought was worth saving from about 4 years ago.

Most people cringe when the phone rings during dinner, knowing it's likely some lackey is calling to harass them with the latest scam. They resent the interruption, the obligation to answer and the need to be polite to someone they would rather strangle.

Not me. When the phone rings around telemarketing time my eyes light up with evil glee, like the villain in a B movie. It's time to have some fun.

I'm not always a cruel person. I believe we should all strive to make the world just a little better, every day. Frustrating telemarketers makes it more likely they'll quit and find honest work. Every minute you keep them on the phone is another minute they're not ripping off someone else. Wasting their time is one of my favorite ways to improve the world.

Most of you recognize the preceding paragraph for what it is - absolute bullshit. Being mean and cruel to telemarketers requires no apology. They are barging into our homes uninvited, with the express goal of ripping us off. They want to switch our phone service, con us into overpriced magazine subscriptions, collect donations for charitable organizations that don't exist or sell us light bulbs even dimmer than they are. More people are ripped off on the phone than anywhere else, with the exception of lawyer's offices. Anything you can do to make the caller's life miserable is justifiable. Besides, it's fun.

My phone has been listed under my wife's uncommon maiden name forever, providing me with early-warning telemarketer radar. "Hello, Mr." - I can hear them struggle with the pronunciation - "In horn?" I immediately respond with a gruff, "What are you selling?" to throw off their timing.

It's even better when the phone rings in my office, on the line that's only used for data and an occasional outbound call. I don't give that number to anyone, so when it rings I know it's an unwanted sales drone. Instead of answering "Hello," I pick up the phone and shout, "What are you selling?" It's great fun to hear them stammer and try to regain the upper hand.

Time is a telemarketer's only asset. The more calls they complete per hour the more commissions they earn, so wasting their time is the most effective way to make them miserable. If I'm pressed for time, or just not feeling imaginative at the moment, I'll tell them I'll be with them in a minute, but there's someone at the door, so could they please wait? Then I set the phone down and go do something until the "phone is off the hook" beep comes blaring through the receiver. They usually give up after just ten minutes or so, but it's better than nothing.

When my kids were five years old I got them into the act. I'd tell the huckster, "That sounds interesting. I'd like to talk to you about it, but I'm in the middle of cooking something. Here, talk to my kid for a minute." Before they could object I'd hand the phone to one of my daughters, who I'd trained in the art of telemarketer torture. She would tell the caller about her day in great detail. Slowly. "Hi. Are you having a good day? I'm having a good day. First, I got up. Then, I went to the bathroom. I had to wait for my sister, though. Then I got dressed. Then I had breakfast. I like Rice Krispies, but we were out of Rice Krispies, so I had to have Kix instead." When one kid got tired of the game she'd hand the phone off to her twin sister, and the tale of the day started all over again. They were careful not to engage the caller in a conversation - the goal was a mind-numbing monologue. They did it quite well, except for the times their delight at messing with the caller's mind overflowed into giggles. I was so proud.

When they got older they still enjoyed participating in the torture. We still talk about the call that came in the middle of their fourteenth birthday party. A con man claimed he was collecting contributions for some charity. "I usually give to you," I lied, "but I'm in the middle of a birthday party. Can you hold on a minute while I get my checkbook?" I set the phone down where he could hear the party sounds, gave my kids the thumbs up, and let them party around the phone, whispering to their friends about how their dad loves to torture phone solicitors.

He was still there when I checked ten minutes later. "I'm really sorry, but I can't find the checkbook. Do you take credit cards?" He assured me he did, and even sounded a little excited. "Great. I've got to find my wallet, and bring out the kids' cake, and then I'll be right with you." When we brought out the cake everyone sang "Happy Birthday" to the girls and the caller.

All the kids were in on the joke. Mine even put on a little verbal show for the caller, talking about how their dad made too many donations and gave away too much money. Again, I was so proud. It made it even more fun with I picked up the phone for the final blow, relishing the fact I had wasted nearly a half hour of this sucker's time.

"OK, I'm ready," I said. "I've got my credit card right here. You do take Visa, right?" He did. The party was now silent, as a room full of adolescent girls waited for the punch line. "OK, great. I've got just one question to ask. Answer this correctly and I'll make a huge donation. Ready?" He was. "OK, now, listen carefully. Does this sound…like I'm hanging up?" Click. The laughter in my room was loud, but I imagine the scream in his was louder.

"Does this sound like I'm hanging up," is my favorite line for ending long conversations with telemarkerters. Magazine salesmen are especially fun. I'll request obscure and non-existent magazines until they begin to suspect they're being put on. Then I'll agree to subscribe to one real title and start all over again.

"Do you have 'Model Railroader?'"

"No, sorry."

"How about 'The Antique Shoe?'"

"No sir, but we do have. . ."

"Wait, how about 'The Incontinence Companion?'"

"The 'Incontinence Companion?'"

"Yes, it has very short articles." By now they're getting suspicious. "How about 'Sports Illustrated'"?

"Yes! We have 'Sports Illustrated'"

"Great, I'll take it. Now, do you have 'Amateur Gynecologist?'"

I can usually keep this going for about twenty minutes before I do the "One more question...Does this sound like I'm hanging up?" routine. Sometimes I think I can hear a faint scream in the distance.

For variety I sometimes switch to the rant technique. I get often get calls from "The Saratogian," a pitiful local newspaper. They always start with the line, "We're just calling to see if our paper boy delivered your copy of 'The Saratogian' on time today."

"Don't con me. You're just calling to try to sell me a subscription, aren't you?"

"Well, yes."

"Why should I subscribe to your paper? It sucks! I'm surprised you don't just put pictures in it for your readers to color. My dog refuses to pee on it. It's the most pathetic excuse for a newspaper since..." and I'm off on a rant too loud and obnoxious for them to interrupt. When I finally take a breath they usually apologize for calling and hang up.

I don't get upset when I receive calls from places I've done business with before. I've bought Sears service contracts for large appliances (although I should know better), so I don't get upset when they call looking to sell me another one. I figure it's my fault. I still try to put them through at least a bit of torture, but the last caller was a woman who would have none of it. Despite my best efforts I couldn't enrage, embarrass, or faze her in the least.

The warranty was about to expire on my Sears lawn mower. She was calling to sell me a service contract/extended warranty. The three-year contract cost $250. A new lawn mower went for $199. It was a fun conversation.

"But wait, this will cost me two hundred and fifty dollars, right?"

"Right."

"But I can buy a brand new mower and save fifty dollars. I could use that fifty dollars to buy beer. I like beer."

She was trying not to laugh. "But if something breaks we'll fix it with brand new parts."

"If something breaks I can buy a brand new mower and all that beer! Wait, if it breaks, will you come and pick it up, and deliver it when it's fixed?"

"No, sorry sir, that's not covered."

"Then I have to bring it to your store, leave it there, come back a few days later and get it, and that's two trips. If I go buy a new one I only have to make one trip. That gives me a whole extra day, which I can use to drink beer, which I bought with the fifty dollars I saved! And if it doesn't break, I can buy two hundred and fifty dollars worth of beer. That's a lot of beer."

We went around and around several times, but she never lost her cool, never got rude or short tempered, and never gave up. She seemed amused by the whole thing and I had to admire her persistence. I finally realized I had met my match, so I thanked her for the entertainment and said good-bye. If she had been a waitress I would have left her a large tip. But she was the exception - two days later I nearly reduced a caller to tears, and enjoyed doing it.

The next time you get an unwanted sales call have some fun with it. Feel free to use some of these tricks, or better yet, come up with some of your own. (Don't use the line "Can I have your phone number" - it was funny the first time Seinfield did it, but it's old now.) Get them to say they're sorry for interrupting you, then suggest they find a job they don't have to apologize for. Talk dirty to them in a low, lecherous voice. Burst into uncontrollable sobs. Use your imagination. It's likely they already hate their job - do whatever you can to make them hate it more. It's fun, it's free, and it's better than getting upset with them. Don't let them ruin your evening - ruin theirs.

[Mike in SW-MO]

I had a call one evening while cooking dinner. I had free time while stirring and waiting for something to finish boiling so I just make enthusiatic responses to everything the caller said.

After about 30 seconds he knew he were being put on, said good bye and hung up.