ZepSinger
09-28-2005, 06:24 PM
Freaky Franchise
The Randy Moss and the Raiders are as dysfunctional as ever
Link (http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2005/writers/jay_mohr/09/28/mohr.sports/index.html)
Ouch! :)
They used to be cute. The Oakland Randy Moss and the Raiders, bad boys, pirates, looters, pillagers. Even the mascot is a bad-ass. The guy on the helmet wears an eye patch and he is smiling nonetheless. But when you are 0-3 to open a season you don't look like a bad-ass as much as just an ass.
The Randy Moss and the Raiders' offseason was very dramatic. They signed free agent LaMont Jordan from the Jets for an ungodly sum of money. Last season Jordan averaged almost five yards a carry for New York backing up NFL rushing champion Curtis Martin. Jordan is a huge dude, and it always seemed as if it took three defenders to bring him down. For the first time since perhaps Marcus Allen, the Randy Moss and the Raiders entered the season with a bona fide stud in their backfield. Well, three games into the season, the stud is a dud. After running for 70 yards in his debut as a Raider, LaMont looks more like the son on Sanford and Son than a star running back for the Silver and Black. In subsequent games, LaMont ("You big dummy!") has racked up 59 yards against the Chiefs, followed by 19 yards against the Eagles. That seems like a mathematic impossibility considering every team the Randy Moss and the Raiders play must concentrate almost solely on someone else. Which brings me to the other bold offseason move made by the Randy Moss and the Raiders. Randy Moss.
If ever a player was born to be a Raider, Randy Moss is it. He is surly and selfish. He has a huge chip on his shoulder and he plays only when he wants to play. To be fair, he was without question the most talented player to switch teams in the offseason. Hell, he was probably the most talented player to switch teams in the last 10 years! But, as the saying goes, a leopard can't change his spots. Randy may not be a leopard, but he is still a punk. The same man who became a giant headache in Minnesota has become an Excedrin headache No. 18 in Oakland. Randy no longer talks to the media and, ala T.O., he wears headphones walking in and walking out of the stadium. When you are the most talented guy on a winless team why be cordial, right?
I am filing this story a little late because my 3-year-old son had a quarterback tryout with the Jets. It didn't go so good. The Jets staff told me he didn't seem to read zones as well as he should. I informed them that he is only three and can't read at all. They said, "Neither can Vinny Testaverde -- he went to Miami!"
Brace yourself Jets fans, the Brooks Bollinger era is upon us! It could be uglier. We could have bet on the Jets to win the Super Bowl. Or even worse, we could all be Randy Moss and the Raiders fans.
I was in Las Vegas last weekend, and as is my custom I spent a fair amount of time in the sports book at a casino. I had some dough down on the Ducks of Oregon. I was getting 21 points against the Trojans, and with the Ducks leading 13-0 late in the second quarter I went upstairs to take a nap. I had a little more than a half hour of football and 34 points to work with. I was counting my money as I drifted off. When I awoke an hour later I realized what a fool I was. Twenty one points or not, I had committed a cardinal sin -- I bet against USC. Talk about a team being able to turn it on when it wants to! The second half of that game was like a fireman opening a hydrant. I lost. I lost a lot. I did, however, have all of Sunday's NFL games to make it back.
I didn't. I took a few bucks and spread it around. It seems that whenever I bet on a team, a memo automatically gets distributed to those players to immediately forget everything they ever knew about football, including how to hold onto one. As I sat in disbelief at how terrible I was at handicapping, I wondered to myself, Who could have it worse than me?
That, my friends, is when I discovered I was surrounded by Randy Moss and the Raiders fans. I should have realized they were around me by the stench alone. The oh-so-familiar smell of unbrushed teeth and whiskey was overwhelming once I began to come out of my own misery. What The Jerry Springer Show is to television, Randy Moss and the Raiders football has become to sports. But after Sunday's 23-20 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles, dealing with Randy Moss and the Raiders fans has become more tolerable. A little bit of their swagger is gone. They have lost a little spring to their step. Of course, losing a little spring to their step to a Raider fan means they are just slightly less likely to scream "RAIDERS!" in your face at a urinal.
Watching Sebastian Janikowski miss not one, but two field goals, made me downright giddy. To be fair, Janikowski is a very good kicker as well as the perfect Raider. The guy has been arrested almost as often as Bobby Brown and looks like he just walked out of a clan rally in Ojai. This guy isn't just scary-looking for a kicker, he is scary looking for an inmate! I guess they don't have much time to practice place-kicking in holding cells. How else to explain him missing two gimmes. On the other side of the field on Sunday, in stark contrast to Janikowski, stood David Akers. Akers looks and acts like an NFL kicker should. He makes field goals and does it with the flair of a door-to-door Mormon. I found it poetic that in a game decided by a field goal, the good guys won. I never have referred to the Eagles as the good guys before, and unless they work Al Qaeda into the schedule, I never will again. But playing against the Randy Moss and the Raiders makes everyone a good guy by comparison.
Watching Moss sulk on the sidelines on Sunday was beautiful. It epitomized what promises to be one of the Randy Moss and the Raiders' worst seasons. The franchise that ran class acts such as Marcus Allen, Art Shell (who was coach of the year two years before his dismissal) and Jon Gruden out of town, has opened its arms to folks like Moss, Warren Sapp and Norv Turner. Norv Turner? I have no memory of Turner being successful at anything. Even a nice guy like former coach Bill Callahan was shown the door. The reasons given for his firing last year were that he had "lost the team" and "was no longer reaching the players." Who would want to reach a group like this? Callahan was obviously not the right guy for the job in Oakland but I miss him. Maybe because he looked so much like Beau Bridges I found it comforting to watch him grimace on the sidelines.
Now it is Turner's turn to make the Randy Moss and the Raiders underachieve. Like all his predecessors, this should be a simple task. When you hand the opposing team 100 yards in penalties every Sunday, underachieving is money in the bank. Why do the Randy Moss and the Raiders always commit so many penalties? I figure the players must look into the stands, see all the criminals and start leg-whipping and shoving just to fit in. It's hard to play by the rules when every time you look up Darth Vader and a Gorilla are staring back at you.
Raider Nation is in total disarray, and I for one say hooray! No other team breeds such awful fans as the Randy Moss and the Raiders. Anyone who tattoos his team's logo on his body deserves to watch them lose week after week. Any team owned by a grown man wearing a white jump suit deserves to lose. Here is a memo to Al Davis: Unless your first name is Evil and your second name is Knievel, you are not allowed to wear a jumpsuit! Have fun this year Randy Moss and the Raiders fans.
Have fun cursing Kerry Collins and Norv Turner. Have fun drowning your sorrows week after week in bong hits and scotch. Mostly, have fun showing off your Randy Moss and the Raiders tattoo in the local jail. You won't be the only one there with one.
The Randy Moss and the Raiders are as dysfunctional as ever
Link (http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2005/writers/jay_mohr/09/28/mohr.sports/index.html)
Ouch! :)
They used to be cute. The Oakland Randy Moss and the Raiders, bad boys, pirates, looters, pillagers. Even the mascot is a bad-ass. The guy on the helmet wears an eye patch and he is smiling nonetheless. But when you are 0-3 to open a season you don't look like a bad-ass as much as just an ass.
The Randy Moss and the Raiders' offseason was very dramatic. They signed free agent LaMont Jordan from the Jets for an ungodly sum of money. Last season Jordan averaged almost five yards a carry for New York backing up NFL rushing champion Curtis Martin. Jordan is a huge dude, and it always seemed as if it took three defenders to bring him down. For the first time since perhaps Marcus Allen, the Randy Moss and the Raiders entered the season with a bona fide stud in their backfield. Well, three games into the season, the stud is a dud. After running for 70 yards in his debut as a Raider, LaMont looks more like the son on Sanford and Son than a star running back for the Silver and Black. In subsequent games, LaMont ("You big dummy!") has racked up 59 yards against the Chiefs, followed by 19 yards against the Eagles. That seems like a mathematic impossibility considering every team the Randy Moss and the Raiders play must concentrate almost solely on someone else. Which brings me to the other bold offseason move made by the Randy Moss and the Raiders. Randy Moss.
If ever a player was born to be a Raider, Randy Moss is it. He is surly and selfish. He has a huge chip on his shoulder and he plays only when he wants to play. To be fair, he was without question the most talented player to switch teams in the offseason. Hell, he was probably the most talented player to switch teams in the last 10 years! But, as the saying goes, a leopard can't change his spots. Randy may not be a leopard, but he is still a punk. The same man who became a giant headache in Minnesota has become an Excedrin headache No. 18 in Oakland. Randy no longer talks to the media and, ala T.O., he wears headphones walking in and walking out of the stadium. When you are the most talented guy on a winless team why be cordial, right?
I am filing this story a little late because my 3-year-old son had a quarterback tryout with the Jets. It didn't go so good. The Jets staff told me he didn't seem to read zones as well as he should. I informed them that he is only three and can't read at all. They said, "Neither can Vinny Testaverde -- he went to Miami!"
Brace yourself Jets fans, the Brooks Bollinger era is upon us! It could be uglier. We could have bet on the Jets to win the Super Bowl. Or even worse, we could all be Randy Moss and the Raiders fans.
I was in Las Vegas last weekend, and as is my custom I spent a fair amount of time in the sports book at a casino. I had some dough down on the Ducks of Oregon. I was getting 21 points against the Trojans, and with the Ducks leading 13-0 late in the second quarter I went upstairs to take a nap. I had a little more than a half hour of football and 34 points to work with. I was counting my money as I drifted off. When I awoke an hour later I realized what a fool I was. Twenty one points or not, I had committed a cardinal sin -- I bet against USC. Talk about a team being able to turn it on when it wants to! The second half of that game was like a fireman opening a hydrant. I lost. I lost a lot. I did, however, have all of Sunday's NFL games to make it back.
I didn't. I took a few bucks and spread it around. It seems that whenever I bet on a team, a memo automatically gets distributed to those players to immediately forget everything they ever knew about football, including how to hold onto one. As I sat in disbelief at how terrible I was at handicapping, I wondered to myself, Who could have it worse than me?
That, my friends, is when I discovered I was surrounded by Randy Moss and the Raiders fans. I should have realized they were around me by the stench alone. The oh-so-familiar smell of unbrushed teeth and whiskey was overwhelming once I began to come out of my own misery. What The Jerry Springer Show is to television, Randy Moss and the Raiders football has become to sports. But after Sunday's 23-20 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles, dealing with Randy Moss and the Raiders fans has become more tolerable. A little bit of their swagger is gone. They have lost a little spring to their step. Of course, losing a little spring to their step to a Raider fan means they are just slightly less likely to scream "RAIDERS!" in your face at a urinal.
Watching Sebastian Janikowski miss not one, but two field goals, made me downright giddy. To be fair, Janikowski is a very good kicker as well as the perfect Raider. The guy has been arrested almost as often as Bobby Brown and looks like he just walked out of a clan rally in Ojai. This guy isn't just scary-looking for a kicker, he is scary looking for an inmate! I guess they don't have much time to practice place-kicking in holding cells. How else to explain him missing two gimmes. On the other side of the field on Sunday, in stark contrast to Janikowski, stood David Akers. Akers looks and acts like an NFL kicker should. He makes field goals and does it with the flair of a door-to-door Mormon. I found it poetic that in a game decided by a field goal, the good guys won. I never have referred to the Eagles as the good guys before, and unless they work Al Qaeda into the schedule, I never will again. But playing against the Randy Moss and the Raiders makes everyone a good guy by comparison.
Watching Moss sulk on the sidelines on Sunday was beautiful. It epitomized what promises to be one of the Randy Moss and the Raiders' worst seasons. The franchise that ran class acts such as Marcus Allen, Art Shell (who was coach of the year two years before his dismissal) and Jon Gruden out of town, has opened its arms to folks like Moss, Warren Sapp and Norv Turner. Norv Turner? I have no memory of Turner being successful at anything. Even a nice guy like former coach Bill Callahan was shown the door. The reasons given for his firing last year were that he had "lost the team" and "was no longer reaching the players." Who would want to reach a group like this? Callahan was obviously not the right guy for the job in Oakland but I miss him. Maybe because he looked so much like Beau Bridges I found it comforting to watch him grimace on the sidelines.
Now it is Turner's turn to make the Randy Moss and the Raiders underachieve. Like all his predecessors, this should be a simple task. When you hand the opposing team 100 yards in penalties every Sunday, underachieving is money in the bank. Why do the Randy Moss and the Raiders always commit so many penalties? I figure the players must look into the stands, see all the criminals and start leg-whipping and shoving just to fit in. It's hard to play by the rules when every time you look up Darth Vader and a Gorilla are staring back at you.
Raider Nation is in total disarray, and I for one say hooray! No other team breeds such awful fans as the Randy Moss and the Raiders. Anyone who tattoos his team's logo on his body deserves to watch them lose week after week. Any team owned by a grown man wearing a white jump suit deserves to lose. Here is a memo to Al Davis: Unless your first name is Evil and your second name is Knievel, you are not allowed to wear a jumpsuit! Have fun this year Randy Moss and the Raiders fans.
Have fun cursing Kerry Collins and Norv Turner. Have fun drowning your sorrows week after week in bong hits and scotch. Mostly, have fun showing off your Randy Moss and the Raiders tattoo in the local jail. You won't be the only one there with one.