Rain Man
12-15-2005, 12:47 PM
Assume that you're living your life just like normal, and you hear a knock on your door. Your dog starts barking, so you shush him and peek out the peephole, recognizing your neighbor John Smith. (This name is chosen specifically to avoid any complaints about Italian stereotypes.) You let him in.
John drops a bombshell on you. A few years back, he got into business with an old Sicilian childhood friend, and it seemed like a great idea at the time. However, he later learned that the friend was a member of the Yakuza, the Japanese mafia. John got caught in a theft sting after stealing a bike, and when the police found drugs on him, he got scared and squealed.
For the past two years, he's been a mole in the Sicilian Yakuza network in your hometown, and he's going to be testifying next week about their hostile takeover of the hotel Bible distribution industry in your state. Within 24 hours of testifying, he'll be off to start a new life in the Witness Relocation Program.
Business has been kind of slow at the Witness Relocation Program, so they're running a special right now. If he joins, he can bring a friend for free. John is willing to give you the coupon, which is good only through the end of the month. This offer will never be repeated, and these prices won't last! Not available in stores!
Here's the deal:
1. You can take your immediate family with you.
2. You'll get paid 2/3rds of your current household income for the first five years, and then half of your current income for the next five, and then one-third for the five years after that. From that point on, you will receive a flat annual "adjustment allowance" of $10,000 per year for the rest of your life.
3. You will be given free tuition at the nearest state university for up to five years to develop new job skills.
4. You will not be allowed to work in your current occupation, ever.
5. You and your immediate family will receive a new name and legal identity. The name will be picked randomly out of the phone book.
6. You can have up to two cosmetic surgeries for free, as can your spouse if you have one.
7. You can tell your friends and extended family that you are going into the program, and after that you can never contact them again in any way.
8. You can keep any liquid assets, plus assets from the sale of any real estate. Everything else must stay and will be destroyed in a suspicious fire - your clothes, your car, all of your "stuff" and you'll have to buy it all to help make your "new start."
9. The feds will randomly select five cities with populations of over 50,000, and you can pick one of them as your new home.
10. All of your debts will be paid off by the Feds.
You've got 24 hours to decide. Do you take it?
John drops a bombshell on you. A few years back, he got into business with an old Sicilian childhood friend, and it seemed like a great idea at the time. However, he later learned that the friend was a member of the Yakuza, the Japanese mafia. John got caught in a theft sting after stealing a bike, and when the police found drugs on him, he got scared and squealed.
For the past two years, he's been a mole in the Sicilian Yakuza network in your hometown, and he's going to be testifying next week about their hostile takeover of the hotel Bible distribution industry in your state. Within 24 hours of testifying, he'll be off to start a new life in the Witness Relocation Program.
Business has been kind of slow at the Witness Relocation Program, so they're running a special right now. If he joins, he can bring a friend for free. John is willing to give you the coupon, which is good only through the end of the month. This offer will never be repeated, and these prices won't last! Not available in stores!
Here's the deal:
1. You can take your immediate family with you.
2. You'll get paid 2/3rds of your current household income for the first five years, and then half of your current income for the next five, and then one-third for the five years after that. From that point on, you will receive a flat annual "adjustment allowance" of $10,000 per year for the rest of your life.
3. You will be given free tuition at the nearest state university for up to five years to develop new job skills.
4. You will not be allowed to work in your current occupation, ever.
5. You and your immediate family will receive a new name and legal identity. The name will be picked randomly out of the phone book.
6. You can have up to two cosmetic surgeries for free, as can your spouse if you have one.
7. You can tell your friends and extended family that you are going into the program, and after that you can never contact them again in any way.
8. You can keep any liquid assets, plus assets from the sale of any real estate. Everything else must stay and will be destroyed in a suspicious fire - your clothes, your car, all of your "stuff" and you'll have to buy it all to help make your "new start."
9. The feds will randomly select five cities with populations of over 50,000, and you can pick one of them as your new home.
10. All of your debts will be paid off by the Feds.
You've got 24 hours to decide. Do you take it?