A Sportpickle Classic

[Mr. Flopnuts]

Sorry I'm not trying to spam the board with this stuff, but this is hilarious.

http://www.sportspickle.com/features/volume2/2003-1008-paterno.html


Joe Paterno Coaches from Wrong Sideline for First Three Quarters of Game.


Penn State coach Joe Paterno spent the first three quarters of his team’s 30-23 loss to Wisconsin on Saturday on the Badgers’ sideline, apparently thinking he was coaching the Nittany Lions. It was the latest embarrassment for the 76-year old Paterno and his once proud program, which is 2-4 this season and a mediocre 21-21 since 2000.

Paterno was seen far down on the Wisconsin sideline near Beaver Stadium’s east endzone, apparently under the impression he was calling Penn State’s plays despite having his headset unplugged. The legendary coach also enthusiastically congratulated the Badger players after each of their scores, perhaps thinking it was Penn State who had scored. He also spent halftime in the referee locker room, chastising them for their poor special teams play. Paterno was returned to the Penn State sideline after the third quarter by Wisconsin coach Barry Alvarez.

Paterno pinned the blame for his mistake on the referees. “We just can’t seem to catch a break,” he said. “It’s almost like the officials want us to lose. I came running out of the tunnel at the beginning of the game and I’m sure I saw one of them direct me to the visitors’ sideline, not knowing they were trying to make us lose. I made it back to the right sideline by the fourth quarter, but by that time it was too late.”

Penn State offensive coordinator Fran Ganter says it was tough to see Paterno floundering on the wrong sideline for three quarters, but that there was little he could do: “It’s tough to go up to a legend like that and say, ‘Hey Joe, you’re old and nearly blind and you’ve spent the vast majority of the game on the wrong sideline. Why don’t you come over to your sideline?’ We knew Joe would make his way over here whenever he saw fit. Plus, we haven’t really let him do any coaching in three years. He doesn’t know that though so please don’t tell him. Heck – he still thinks Blair Thomas is a senior.”

[Joe Seahawk]

ROFL

Bobby Bowden Robbed, Sodomized by Starting Tailback

Tallahasee - Bobby Bowden said his recent robbing and sodomy at the hands of one of his players is not an example of a lack of control in his program.
Florida State coach Bobby Bowden was robbed and sodomized by his starting tailback on Sunday, the first time the head coach himself has been the target of a crime by one of his players.
Yet the longtime Seminole icon said he doubted the player who robbed and sodomized him was guilty, but stated that if he was, that there was no way the coaching staff could keep their eyes on the players at all times. “He’s a good kid, I doubt it was really him who did that to me, even though it looked a lot like him,” said Bowden. “But boys will be boys, you know.”

The assault occurred late Sunday evening outside the Seminoles' football offices as Bowden walked alone to his car. Bowden's starting tailback robbed the coach of his cash and credit cards before repeatedly sodomizing him over a 15-minute period. The player was nabbed by police three hours later after Bowden provided a physical description (Bowden refused to identify for police who attacked him by name) of the assailant. An August 26th trial is scheduled.

Bowden’s victimization is the latest incident in a long line of off-the-field troubles his program has experienced in the last decade. Since the end of last season, the 73-year old coach has been duped out of $1.6 million by his eldest son and endured the gambling trial of a former quarterback. Whispers that Bowden has lost control of his football program have escalated into all-out public debate, with the coach on the defensive.

Yet Bowden denies that getting robbed and sodomized by one of his own players is an example of a loss of control.

“Okay, so let’s say it was my starting tailback who did this to me,” said Bowden. “I just don’t see how that is a reflection on me or this program. I do not understand how you can say that if a kid goes out at two o'clock at night and gets in trouble that the coach should have stopped it. Folks, some of these kids are doing the same things I did when I was in college. The fact that it was me – the head coach of the team – who was robbed and sodomized is an entirely different matter.”

Bowden said he has no plans to suspend his tailback until the case winds its way through the legal process.

“Innocent until proven guilty, right? These are kids, folks. Let’s not rush to judgment here,” said Bowden. “Just because I commented to the police that the assailant who robbed and sodomized me looked exactly like my starting tailback doesn’t mean it was him. Anyone could get their hands on an appropriately numbered Florida State football practice jersey, have an uncanny resemblance to one of my players, call me ‘Coach Bowden,’ rob and sodomize me and then ask what time the team meeting is the next day, am I right folks? So I will not suspend him until justice takes its course.”