Rain Man
01-26-2006, 04:54 PM
Assume that you're tired of your current job, and you start looking around for other work. Immediately, you land a job interview for a company that sells sausage casings, and while it's never been your goal to work for a company that makes sausage casings, it's an honorable living, other than all of the lost souls of dead pigs.
You arrange an interview, and put on your best suit. The sausage casings factory is downtown, so you find a parking spot and walk the two blocks to the corporate offices. As you're walking and enjoying the sights and sounds of the city, you see a fellow in a clown suit starting to cross the street. However, he doesn't notice that there's a taxicab speeding erratically toward him, because the driver, an Eritrean national, is gesticulating wildly in an argument with his passenger, who is the son-in-law of the head of the Ethiopian consulate in Santa Fe.
Springing into action, you leap forward and grab the clown by one of his big hair globs, and at the last possible second before he becomes a martyr for the Eritrean Liberation Front, you spin him around and fling him to safety in the gutter, where he lands next to Brian Griese and John Mobley.
Gasping for breath at his near-death experience, the clown reaches out to shake your hand. You reach out, not even noticing that you're still holding your resume, and in the handshake, he ends up holding it.
He reads it with interest. "Are you looking for a job?" he asks, a slight trickle of blood snaking down from his ruby red nose. You affirm that you are.
"Well, look no more!" he exclaims. "You saved my life, so I'm going to make you famous!" Grabbing you by the arm, he drags you half a block down the street and into the headquarters of the NBS television network. The security guard bites his tongue and clucks disapprovingly as the disheveled clown hauls you through the upscale lobby and into an elevator of shiny black onyx. With a whisper of power, it whisks the two of you up to the 37th Floor at a speed that makes your right ear pop, but not your left ear, which has never been the same since you got that beetle in it at Camp WickeeNobee back in 7th grade.
The elevator doors open, and on the mahogany and teak-inlaid wall across from you, you're greeted with a life-size photo of this very clown who is maintaining his grip on your bicep. With a start, you recognize that he is Bozoticus McGrath, the CEO of entertainment giant ClownCom, and the star of the new hit television show in Japan, "CrownCom Saturday Night." You haven't seen the show, but your sister's boyfriend's neighbor has an exchange student from Japan who raves about the show and owns a CrownCom backpack.
You're ushered to a conference room that would put Versailles to shame, and as you sit down, a young Filipino woman removes Bozoticus' big yellow shoes and begins to massage his feet, which smell vaguely like pearl onions. A secretary comes in, and she's one of those very attractive professional types with perfectly coiffed hair, expensive glasses that perfectly complement her heart-shaped face, and a custom-made designer business suit that shows just enough cleavage to be sexy yet professional.
Bozoticus begins dictating the details of his job offer to you. Your assignment is to appear on CrownCom Saturday Night once a week as one of Bozoticus' "special characters." (You recall that his other "special characters" include a monkey that juggles flaming chainsaws and a Mongolian swordsman with leprosy, among others.) Your title will be "Abused American Businessman," and every time you appear on stage, all spiffy in a nice business suit, you will be attacked by at least one other character. Viewers at home will win prizes if they correctly guess which character attacks you, and with which weapon. Weapons will include meringue pies, seltzer bottles, dodgeballs, lawn darts, wiffleball bats, and several other items to be named later. You are warned that the job does contain some physical risk, primarily to the groin area, but you will be allowed to wear a cup, pending a satisfactory acting audition. At the end of each show, you will run through a gauntlet of studio audience members who will pelt you with garbage, rotton fruit, and an occasional spray of urine.
The show is filmed in Vancouver, and you will be paid $295,000 per year.
Do you take the job?
You arrange an interview, and put on your best suit. The sausage casings factory is downtown, so you find a parking spot and walk the two blocks to the corporate offices. As you're walking and enjoying the sights and sounds of the city, you see a fellow in a clown suit starting to cross the street. However, he doesn't notice that there's a taxicab speeding erratically toward him, because the driver, an Eritrean national, is gesticulating wildly in an argument with his passenger, who is the son-in-law of the head of the Ethiopian consulate in Santa Fe.
Springing into action, you leap forward and grab the clown by one of his big hair globs, and at the last possible second before he becomes a martyr for the Eritrean Liberation Front, you spin him around and fling him to safety in the gutter, where he lands next to Brian Griese and John Mobley.
Gasping for breath at his near-death experience, the clown reaches out to shake your hand. You reach out, not even noticing that you're still holding your resume, and in the handshake, he ends up holding it.
He reads it with interest. "Are you looking for a job?" he asks, a slight trickle of blood snaking down from his ruby red nose. You affirm that you are.
"Well, look no more!" he exclaims. "You saved my life, so I'm going to make you famous!" Grabbing you by the arm, he drags you half a block down the street and into the headquarters of the NBS television network. The security guard bites his tongue and clucks disapprovingly as the disheveled clown hauls you through the upscale lobby and into an elevator of shiny black onyx. With a whisper of power, it whisks the two of you up to the 37th Floor at a speed that makes your right ear pop, but not your left ear, which has never been the same since you got that beetle in it at Camp WickeeNobee back in 7th grade.
The elevator doors open, and on the mahogany and teak-inlaid wall across from you, you're greeted with a life-size photo of this very clown who is maintaining his grip on your bicep. With a start, you recognize that he is Bozoticus McGrath, the CEO of entertainment giant ClownCom, and the star of the new hit television show in Japan, "CrownCom Saturday Night." You haven't seen the show, but your sister's boyfriend's neighbor has an exchange student from Japan who raves about the show and owns a CrownCom backpack.
You're ushered to a conference room that would put Versailles to shame, and as you sit down, a young Filipino woman removes Bozoticus' big yellow shoes and begins to massage his feet, which smell vaguely like pearl onions. A secretary comes in, and she's one of those very attractive professional types with perfectly coiffed hair, expensive glasses that perfectly complement her heart-shaped face, and a custom-made designer business suit that shows just enough cleavage to be sexy yet professional.
Bozoticus begins dictating the details of his job offer to you. Your assignment is to appear on CrownCom Saturday Night once a week as one of Bozoticus' "special characters." (You recall that his other "special characters" include a monkey that juggles flaming chainsaws and a Mongolian swordsman with leprosy, among others.) Your title will be "Abused American Businessman," and every time you appear on stage, all spiffy in a nice business suit, you will be attacked by at least one other character. Viewers at home will win prizes if they correctly guess which character attacks you, and with which weapon. Weapons will include meringue pies, seltzer bottles, dodgeballs, lawn darts, wiffleball bats, and several other items to be named later. You are warned that the job does contain some physical risk, primarily to the groin area, but you will be allowed to wear a cup, pending a satisfactory acting audition. At the end of each show, you will run through a gauntlet of studio audience members who will pelt you with garbage, rotton fruit, and an occasional spray of urine.
The show is filmed in Vancouver, and you will be paid $295,000 per year.
Do you take the job?