Rain Man
04-13-2006, 08:07 PM
Okay, I'm still working on getting disigerent into common usage, and for some reason my urban legend about microwaves causing phosphorus fires on lower back tattoos is still languishing.
Here's my next shot. Please take this "How To Save America" list and post it on any Internet site you want. Attribute it to George Carlin or to Ted Nugent if you want, or just post it anonymously. My goal is to improve America and get 50 million people to read this, because every time someone reads it, Bill Gates will give a nickel to a child in Illinois who has a fatal disease and collects soda can tabs.
Twenty Good Ideas to Keep America Great
1. I think that every American should be allowed to beat the living daylights out of another person for 2 minutes once in their life without criminal prosecution. We would live in a much nicer world if no one knew whether that person standing across from them had used their beating yet.
2. All public transit should be roller coasters. It would improve morale, reduce pollution, and cut commuting times in half.
3. Relative to Point #1 above, it shouldn’t count toward your personal beating if you beat a person who was committing a crime when the beating started.
4. Any politician who says that he’s “tough on crime” should be required to stone to death a shoplifter to prove it.
5. Instead of this whole immigration system, we should just charge admission. Sixteen bucks a day, or a three-day pass for forty dollars. Do you see illegal immigrants at Disney World? No. Well, maybe you see some, but if so, they at least paid something. We could then use the money to guard the border everywhere but at the ticket booths.
6. Combine Connecticut and Rhode Island. I mean, who are we kidding?
7. Senators and Congressmen should be required to stay in biospheres where they raise their own food and have no contact with the outside world except to read and vote on bills in which all geographic references have been changed to Gotham City.
8. I think that every American should be allowed to grope the living daylights out of another person for 2 minutes once in their life without criminal prosecution.
9. Ban brassieres. They’re a symbol of female servitude and antiquated notions that women shouldn’t be proud of the nipples that nurture and sustain the next generation. Plus…No. I’ll stop there.
10. The government should sell annual discrimination licenses. If you want to discriminate against someone, you can do it as long as you have a license. The money you pay for the license will then be put into a scholarship fund for the group you’re discriminating against.
11. We should invest in bringing more chimpanzees to America. In case something happens to the people here, it’s an evolutionary insurance policy.
12. More sunshine for Alaska. It’s stupid to make our biggest state a deep-freeze, and it’s merely a vestige of Reconstruction.
13. You should be allowed to grope anyone who chooses to stand within three feet of you on an elevator when there’s room to stand further apart, and it wouldn’t count against your allotted groping. Or if they’re a gender you aren’t attracted to, then it’s a free beating.
14. I think we’ve come far enough as a civilization to be able to handle coed health club locker rooms and showers.
15. For one week each year, people should have to kill their own food. It’s too easy to order a burger nowadays without acknowledging that, somewhere, someone had to hit a cow with a sledgehammer to make it happen.
16. When you go to Utah, you should be allowed to rent a second wife while you’re there. It would help America learn about religious tolerance.
17. You should get a two dollar tax credit every time you bake a lemon meringue pie. If there were more lemon meringue pies in the world, there would be fewer unwanted pregnancies, for reasons that scientists are only now beginning to understand.
18. Let’s just buy Canada and get it over with. Except Quebec. We have no use for Quebec.
19. No more warning labels on products. Let’s check back in 30 years and see what happened to the genetic stock.
20. One vote per IQ point.
Here's my next shot. Please take this "How To Save America" list and post it on any Internet site you want. Attribute it to George Carlin or to Ted Nugent if you want, or just post it anonymously. My goal is to improve America and get 50 million people to read this, because every time someone reads it, Bill Gates will give a nickel to a child in Illinois who has a fatal disease and collects soda can tabs.
Twenty Good Ideas to Keep America Great
1. I think that every American should be allowed to beat the living daylights out of another person for 2 minutes once in their life without criminal prosecution. We would live in a much nicer world if no one knew whether that person standing across from them had used their beating yet.
2. All public transit should be roller coasters. It would improve morale, reduce pollution, and cut commuting times in half.
3. Relative to Point #1 above, it shouldn’t count toward your personal beating if you beat a person who was committing a crime when the beating started.
4. Any politician who says that he’s “tough on crime” should be required to stone to death a shoplifter to prove it.
5. Instead of this whole immigration system, we should just charge admission. Sixteen bucks a day, or a three-day pass for forty dollars. Do you see illegal immigrants at Disney World? No. Well, maybe you see some, but if so, they at least paid something. We could then use the money to guard the border everywhere but at the ticket booths.
6. Combine Connecticut and Rhode Island. I mean, who are we kidding?
7. Senators and Congressmen should be required to stay in biospheres where they raise their own food and have no contact with the outside world except to read and vote on bills in which all geographic references have been changed to Gotham City.
8. I think that every American should be allowed to grope the living daylights out of another person for 2 minutes once in their life without criminal prosecution.
9. Ban brassieres. They’re a symbol of female servitude and antiquated notions that women shouldn’t be proud of the nipples that nurture and sustain the next generation. Plus…No. I’ll stop there.
10. The government should sell annual discrimination licenses. If you want to discriminate against someone, you can do it as long as you have a license. The money you pay for the license will then be put into a scholarship fund for the group you’re discriminating against.
11. We should invest in bringing more chimpanzees to America. In case something happens to the people here, it’s an evolutionary insurance policy.
12. More sunshine for Alaska. It’s stupid to make our biggest state a deep-freeze, and it’s merely a vestige of Reconstruction.
13. You should be allowed to grope anyone who chooses to stand within three feet of you on an elevator when there’s room to stand further apart, and it wouldn’t count against your allotted groping. Or if they’re a gender you aren’t attracted to, then it’s a free beating.
14. I think we’ve come far enough as a civilization to be able to handle coed health club locker rooms and showers.
15. For one week each year, people should have to kill their own food. It’s too easy to order a burger nowadays without acknowledging that, somewhere, someone had to hit a cow with a sledgehammer to make it happen.
16. When you go to Utah, you should be allowed to rent a second wife while you’re there. It would help America learn about religious tolerance.
17. You should get a two dollar tax credit every time you bake a lemon meringue pie. If there were more lemon meringue pies in the world, there would be fewer unwanted pregnancies, for reasons that scientists are only now beginning to understand.
18. Let’s just buy Canada and get it over with. Except Quebec. We have no use for Quebec.
19. No more warning labels on products. Let’s check back in 30 years and see what happened to the genetic stock.
20. One vote per IQ point.