Rain Man
06-13-2006, 05:44 PM
We all know what happened to Ben - some busted teeth, a lot of blood, and a good chewing out by Bill Cowher. But what would've been the outcomes for other NFL quarterbacks in this situation? Here's my theory.
Drew Bledsoe – He would have come under scorching criticism from Terrell Owens.
Eli Manning – Archie would have intervened and forced Philip Rivers to get on the motorcycle.
Donovan McNabb – He would have come under scorching criticism from Terrell Owens.
Mark Brunell – He would have thanked God for giving him that wonderful experience and would have tried to baptize the driver of the car.
Brett Favre – He would have received enormous national coverage and sympathy, and then participated in minicamp the following week, throwing seven interceptions.
Brad Johnson – Nobody would have noticed.
Rex Grossman – This is a trick question, because Grossman wouldn’t have been on the motorcycle. He would’ve been at a surgical clinic having arthroscopic surgery.
Josh McCown – Matt Millen would’ve traded for a wide receiver to replace him.
Chris Simms – People would’ve thought he was Brad Johnson.
Michael Vick – The media would be commenting on how he face-planted spectacularly, and no other quarterback could’ve done it.
Drew Brees – He would’ve been traded or cut because, hey, when you’ve got Reggie Bush you don’t need any other players.
Jake Delhomme – He would have survived and been okay, but people would credit Julius Peppers for saving him.
Alex Smith – He would’ve secretly been grateful for missing the 49ers’ season.
Matt Leinert – He would’ve dropped drastically on the draft chart amidst rumors that he can’t take a hit.
Matt Hasselbeck – He would’ve been embarrassed, because five seconds before the crash he would have predicted that he would beat the car.
Marc Bulger – (Long silence). I got nothing. There’s not a single thing about Bulger that’s interesting.
J.P. Losman – He would’ve overshot and missed the car completely.
Daunte Culpepper – Three years ago, he would have crushed the car and kept on going. Now, he would be injured and the driver of the car would have ended up with everything he was carrying.
Chad Pennington – He would’ve been injured. Duh.
Tom Brady – Angels would have descended and saved Tom from harm, and then after the other car stopped, Tom would have climbed into the back seat and given the driver a neck massage to calm her down.
Steve McNair – He would have walked it off, because Steve McNair is tough, man. He’s really tough. Everyone would have been talking about how tough he is.
Carson Palmer – Kimo Von Oelhoffen would have been ticketed for an illegal left turn.
Charlie Frye – Trent Dilfer would take over the team, win a Super Bowl, and then get benched when Elvis Grbac decided to come out of retirement
Peyton Manning – During his first year back, the NFL would institute a special rule that nobody is allowed to touch Manning, and he only has to say the name of a receiver for it to count as a completed pass.
Vince Young – Pfft. As if anything could hit Vince Young...
Byron Leftwich – He would’ve been okay, but Fred Taylor would have been hospitalized with sympathy pains.
David Carr – He would’ve been fine. He takes harder hits than that every Sunday.
Trent Green – If you think that car would’ve made it past Willie Roaf and Will Shields, you’re crazy.
Aaron Brooks – Al Davis would fire Art Shell.
Philip Rivers – Nobody knows…nobody has any idea at all.
Jake Plummer – He wouldn’t have hit the windshield at all, because Broncos only hit in the back.
Drew Bledsoe – He would have come under scorching criticism from Terrell Owens.
Eli Manning – Archie would have intervened and forced Philip Rivers to get on the motorcycle.
Donovan McNabb – He would have come under scorching criticism from Terrell Owens.
Mark Brunell – He would have thanked God for giving him that wonderful experience and would have tried to baptize the driver of the car.
Brett Favre – He would have received enormous national coverage and sympathy, and then participated in minicamp the following week, throwing seven interceptions.
Brad Johnson – Nobody would have noticed.
Rex Grossman – This is a trick question, because Grossman wouldn’t have been on the motorcycle. He would’ve been at a surgical clinic having arthroscopic surgery.
Josh McCown – Matt Millen would’ve traded for a wide receiver to replace him.
Chris Simms – People would’ve thought he was Brad Johnson.
Michael Vick – The media would be commenting on how he face-planted spectacularly, and no other quarterback could’ve done it.
Drew Brees – He would’ve been traded or cut because, hey, when you’ve got Reggie Bush you don’t need any other players.
Jake Delhomme – He would have survived and been okay, but people would credit Julius Peppers for saving him.
Alex Smith – He would’ve secretly been grateful for missing the 49ers’ season.
Matt Leinert – He would’ve dropped drastically on the draft chart amidst rumors that he can’t take a hit.
Matt Hasselbeck – He would’ve been embarrassed, because five seconds before the crash he would have predicted that he would beat the car.
Marc Bulger – (Long silence). I got nothing. There’s not a single thing about Bulger that’s interesting.
J.P. Losman – He would’ve overshot and missed the car completely.
Daunte Culpepper – Three years ago, he would have crushed the car and kept on going. Now, he would be injured and the driver of the car would have ended up with everything he was carrying.
Chad Pennington – He would’ve been injured. Duh.
Tom Brady – Angels would have descended and saved Tom from harm, and then after the other car stopped, Tom would have climbed into the back seat and given the driver a neck massage to calm her down.
Steve McNair – He would have walked it off, because Steve McNair is tough, man. He’s really tough. Everyone would have been talking about how tough he is.
Carson Palmer – Kimo Von Oelhoffen would have been ticketed for an illegal left turn.
Charlie Frye – Trent Dilfer would take over the team, win a Super Bowl, and then get benched when Elvis Grbac decided to come out of retirement
Peyton Manning – During his first year back, the NFL would institute a special rule that nobody is allowed to touch Manning, and he only has to say the name of a receiver for it to count as a completed pass.
Vince Young – Pfft. As if anything could hit Vince Young...
Byron Leftwich – He would’ve been okay, but Fred Taylor would have been hospitalized with sympathy pains.
David Carr – He would’ve been fine. He takes harder hits than that every Sunday.
Trent Green – If you think that car would’ve made it past Willie Roaf and Will Shields, you’re crazy.
Aaron Brooks – Al Davis would fire Art Shell.
Philip Rivers – Nobody knows…nobody has any idea at all.
Jake Plummer – He wouldn’t have hit the windshield at all, because Broncos only hit in the back.