Rain Man
06-25-2006, 12:46 PM
Here's the situation.
You come home from work one night, and sift through your mail. Bill, bill, letter from ex-girlfriend who still wants you, bill, bill, Pottery Barn catalogue, bill, bill, credit card invitation from Capitol One, and an ad from a new restaurant called Cat Man Dieu, which features fusion Chinese, Vietnamese, Midwestern, and Nepali dishes.
Cat Man Dieu included a coupon for $3 off a purchase of $12 or more if it includes an order of sesame chicken con carne. You file the coupon in your handy coupon organizer (Ronco, $19.95, not available in stores so you ordered it via their 800 number, also receiving an automated pistachio sheller as a bonus).
Fast-forward two days, and you find yourself home with nothing to eat due to the fact that you're afraid to go to the grocery store after that checkout clerk threatened to call the police when you made an inappropriate comment to her about a Popsicle. You sort through your coupons and, lo and behold, you find the coupon.
You walk to the address shown, and sure enough, there's a restaurant there and they honor your coupon. You get your food, walk home, and enjoy a fine dinner while watching reruns of Night Court and the 1966 Winter Olympics.
Fast-forward two more days, and there's a knock on your door. You open it, and all of a sudden a dozen cops in kevlar descend upon you like maggots on road kill. You're buried under the pile, your hands are cuffed, your feet are cuffed, and then a big Samoan cop puts a spit hood on you. You hear your Miranda rights being read, and then an Irish cop holding an apple says to you, "You are under arrest for murder."
The next eight months are a blur. Your cellmate is an obsessive-compulsive who murdered his roommate for not making his bed one morning, and even though he's not very friendly he keeps the cell clean. You make court appearance after court appearance, and over time, you discover that your ex-girlfriend was murdered, and her body was covered with sesame chicken con carne. The coroner did an autopsy and discovered the stick from a Popsicle in a very inappropriate place, and then later found the second Popsicle stick in an even more horrifying place. Even though you're completely innocent, the jury finds you guilty of murder, and the judge calls you a monster, and then the family of your ex-girlfriend gets to speak and they all call you a monster and the media labels you the Popsicle Pervert, and then the company that makes Popsicles sues you. The judge then sentences you to death.
You sit around for another 14 years, and you try to get clemency, but the governor during your early years is a guy you went to high school with, and you and he got into a fight in ninth grade about whether the U.S. fought North Vietnam or South Vietnam during the Korean War, and he's had a grudge against you ever since. The governor during the later part of your term won election by printing pictures of you and saying that he would never let the Popsicle Pervert see the light of day again, and he hasn't returned your letters, though you're hopeful.
Due to a new law put in place by a group of concerned citizens and a Senator who has a secret business interest in the field, all people on Death Row get to pick their mode of death from all of the standard options. The warden comes to your cell door and asks you which you would prefer. He gives you a little menu that includes your choices, in the poll above.
Which do you pick?
You come home from work one night, and sift through your mail. Bill, bill, letter from ex-girlfriend who still wants you, bill, bill, Pottery Barn catalogue, bill, bill, credit card invitation from Capitol One, and an ad from a new restaurant called Cat Man Dieu, which features fusion Chinese, Vietnamese, Midwestern, and Nepali dishes.
Cat Man Dieu included a coupon for $3 off a purchase of $12 or more if it includes an order of sesame chicken con carne. You file the coupon in your handy coupon organizer (Ronco, $19.95, not available in stores so you ordered it via their 800 number, also receiving an automated pistachio sheller as a bonus).
Fast-forward two days, and you find yourself home with nothing to eat due to the fact that you're afraid to go to the grocery store after that checkout clerk threatened to call the police when you made an inappropriate comment to her about a Popsicle. You sort through your coupons and, lo and behold, you find the coupon.
You walk to the address shown, and sure enough, there's a restaurant there and they honor your coupon. You get your food, walk home, and enjoy a fine dinner while watching reruns of Night Court and the 1966 Winter Olympics.
Fast-forward two more days, and there's a knock on your door. You open it, and all of a sudden a dozen cops in kevlar descend upon you like maggots on road kill. You're buried under the pile, your hands are cuffed, your feet are cuffed, and then a big Samoan cop puts a spit hood on you. You hear your Miranda rights being read, and then an Irish cop holding an apple says to you, "You are under arrest for murder."
The next eight months are a blur. Your cellmate is an obsessive-compulsive who murdered his roommate for not making his bed one morning, and even though he's not very friendly he keeps the cell clean. You make court appearance after court appearance, and over time, you discover that your ex-girlfriend was murdered, and her body was covered with sesame chicken con carne. The coroner did an autopsy and discovered the stick from a Popsicle in a very inappropriate place, and then later found the second Popsicle stick in an even more horrifying place. Even though you're completely innocent, the jury finds you guilty of murder, and the judge calls you a monster, and then the family of your ex-girlfriend gets to speak and they all call you a monster and the media labels you the Popsicle Pervert, and then the company that makes Popsicles sues you. The judge then sentences you to death.
You sit around for another 14 years, and you try to get clemency, but the governor during your early years is a guy you went to high school with, and you and he got into a fight in ninth grade about whether the U.S. fought North Vietnam or South Vietnam during the Korean War, and he's had a grudge against you ever since. The governor during the later part of your term won election by printing pictures of you and saying that he would never let the Popsicle Pervert see the light of day again, and he hasn't returned your letters, though you're hopeful.
Due to a new law put in place by a group of concerned citizens and a Senator who has a secret business interest in the field, all people on Death Row get to pick their mode of death from all of the standard options. The warden comes to your cell door and asks you which you would prefer. He gives you a little menu that includes your choices, in the poll above.
Which do you pick?