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munkey
09-07-2006, 11:19 AM
Subject: College football


HOW MANY SEC STUDENTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?


At VANDERBILT: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one more to explain how they did it every bit as good as the bulbs changed at Harvard.

At GEORGIA: it takes two, one to change the bulb and one to phone an engineer at Georgia Tech for instructions.

At FLORIDA: it takes four, one to screw in the bulb and three to figure
out how to get stoned off the old one.

At ALABAMA: it takes five, one to change it, three to reminisce about how The Bear would have done it, and one to throw the old bulb at an NCAA investigator.

At OLE MISS: it takes six, one to change it, two to mix the drinks and three to find the perfect J. Crew outfit to wear for the occasion.


At LSU: it takes seven, and each one gets credit for five semester hours.

At KENTUCKY: it takes eight, one to screw it in and seven to discuss how much brighter it seems to shine during basketball season.

At TENNESSEE: it takes ten, two to figure out how to screw it in, two to buy an orange lampshade, and six to phone a radio call-in show and talk about how much they hate Alabama.

At MISSISSIPPI STATE: it takes fifteen, one to screw in the bulb, two to buy the Skoal, and twelve to yell, "GO TO HELL, OLE MISS".

At AUBURN: it takes one hundred, one to change it, forty-nine to talk about how they did it better than at Bama, and fifty to get drunk and roll toomer's Corner when finished.


At SOUTH CAROLINA: it takes 80,000, one to screw it in and 79,999 to discuss how this finally will be the year that they have a decent football team.

At ARKANSAS: None. There is no electricity in Arkansas.

Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North. For those who are planning a football trip South, here are some helpful hints.

Women's Accessories

NORTH: ChapStick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.

SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.

Stadium Size

NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.

Fathers

NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.

SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.

Campus Decor


NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.

SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.


Homecoming Queen

NORTH: Also a physics major.

SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Heroes


NORTH: Rudy Guliani

SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning


Getting Tickets

NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.


SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.


Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game

NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.


SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.


Parking

NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.


SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.


Game Day:

NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.


SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.

Tailgating

NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.


SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.



Getting to the Stadium

NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.

SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.

Concessions


NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.


SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.


When National Anthem is Played

NORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.

SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.

The Smell in the Air After the First Score

NORTH: Nothing changes.

SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.

Commentary (Male)

NORTH: "Nice play."

SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.."

Commentary (Female)

NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."

SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs.."


Announcers

NORTH: Neutral and paid.

SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.

After the Game

NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.

SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.


Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of


Southern football .

keg in kc
09-07-2006, 11:36 AM
Written by someone who's never been to a Big 10 game.

ChiefsCountry
09-07-2006, 11:39 AM
I say they are talking about the Northeast.

Rain Man
09-07-2006, 11:39 AM
Interesting Rain Man trivia: the Federal government includes Delaware as being part of "The South".

Rain Man
09-07-2006, 11:40 AM
Well, interesting to me anyway.

Starbux37
09-07-2006, 12:43 PM
Written by someone who's never been to a Big 10 game.

My exact same thoughts as I read this load of ****.

You try to buy tickets to a BIG TEN game 5 days before and they will laugh your a$$ right out the door.

And the comment about the National Anthem. Stands half full and only half stand up. Most BIG TEN schools have to sale tickets to the fans for standing room only because so many want to attend.

And just speaking from a Buckeyes fan point of view, we don't just stand for the National Anthem, we stand and get our groove on throughout the whole game. But when you have TBDBINTL who wants to sit down!!!

ChiefsCountry
09-07-2006, 12:45 PM
My exact same thoughts as I read this load of ****.

You try to buy tickets to a BIG TEN game 5 days before and they will laugh your a$$ right out the door.

And the comment about the National Anthem. Stands half full and only half stand up. Most BIG TEN schools have to sale tickets to the fans for standing room only because so many want to attend.

And just speaking from a Buckeyes fan point of view, we don't just stand for the National Anthem, we stand and get our groove on throughout the whole game. But when you have TBDBINTL who wants to sit down!!!

They are talking about the NE not the Midwest.

Starbux37
09-07-2006, 12:50 PM
They are talking about the NE not the Midwest.

They have college football in the NE? Never noticed. :)

munkey
09-07-2006, 01:04 PM
Interesting Rain Man trivia: the Federal government includes Delaware as being part of "The South".

Maybe it's the way they regulate corporations?