tk13
10-06-2006, 01:06 PM
His last four picks of the week in his column are the AFC West games, pretty entertaining...
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/061006
CARDS (+3) over Chiefs
You probably stopped taping "Inside the NFL" because they don't run highlights for every game and it's so frustrating to watch Collinsworth moderate a debate with Carter and Marino when he knows more about the 2006 teams than both of them combined. And that's fine. But check out this week's show just for the bizarre Larry Johnson segment -- he's more emotionally fragile than a pregnant 14-year-old. The KC coaches spend the entire game alternately hugging him and consoling him. It's crazy. After the Chiefs won the game, I thought Herm Edwards was going to reward him with cotton candy and a new Transformer. You have to see it. I can't take the Chiefs for at least one week after seeing that.
49ERS (-3.5) over Raiders
Wait, the Raiders are getting 3½ against a team that lost 41-0 last week? Please tell me somebody is writing a book about them. Did you know offensive coordinator Tom Walsh was operating a bed-and-breakfast when they hired him? A bed-and-breakfast! Last year at this time, his biggest concern was whether they were going to run out of pastries and jam for the first foliage weekend in October. Now, he's drawing up plays and breaking down NFL defenses. No wonder Randy Moss doesn't care anymore. Unbelievable.
That reminds me, my two favorite Art Shell e-mails of the week:
1. Ben from San Jose: "Thanks for the tip on the Art Shell Era. He might convince me to give gambling a try."
2. Bri from Indiana: "My buddy Ty and I have ongoing discussions about how Shell would do in other jobs, like as a deli manager, or manager of the Oakland A's. I contend that he would stand utterly still, with a headset on, in every situation, while things unraveled around him. For example, as a deli manager he'd stare blankly out at the oncoming lunch crowd as the deli ran out of cold cuts that he forgot to order. Don't you think this could be a show, something like 'The Shell Situation,' where they just move Art around to a bunch of different jobs to see if he really reacts the same way to everything? I'm sure Fox or MTV already has the rights to it though."
Randy probably wishes this season was over already.(I love this idea. One week, he could be the executive producer of a talk show. The next week, he could be the bouncer in a bar. It would never get old. Although I'd be just as happy with a show where Art screws up replay challenges every week. And I think that's a realistic hope.)
CHARGERS (-3) over Steelers
On Sunday, the Chargers were looking good against the Ravens and I turned to my buddy Sal and said, "You ready to hop on the Chargers bandwagon yet?" Within two seconds (no joke), Rivers threw that killer interception to let Baltimore back in the game. It was uncanny.
Anyway, I'd love to pile on Marty this week; nobody has coached more games when they resembled a Ken doll anatomically. But he did the right thing this time: Rivers wasn't quite ready for a game like that, and they couldn't kill his confidence this early in the season. So Marty kept it close to the vest and tried to protect the lead with his D (and it almost worked). I'm not killing him on that one. All things considered, this is still the best AFC team. The Chargers will prove it Sunday night.
(Note: Not everyone is sold. Disgruntled San Diego fan Dominic wonders, "Can you think of any analogies where the Martyball concept can be applied outside of football? What about folding a $500 pot when you're $5 from all-in because you're afraid someone will get you on the river? Working the machine for a walk in a batting cage? Five-hitting your way to a 19, then surrendering because the dealer is showing a face card? Landing a three-way with the Olsen twins, only to have them walk out because you fell asleep halfway through?")
BRONCOS (-4) over Ravens
Four predictions for this one:
1. Air McNair gets fully exposed. He has played four decent minutes in the past two weeks. You can't pull that crap against a defense like Denver's.
2. Once the Broncos get a lead, Shanahan won't ask Plummer to do anything. And I mean, anything. He'll do the same thing Marty did last week.
3. You will hear a lot of barely audible "IN-COM-PLETE" chants on your TV.
4. Mike Tirico officially starts to look like one of the kids from "The Squid and the Whale."
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/061006
CARDS (+3) over Chiefs
You probably stopped taping "Inside the NFL" because they don't run highlights for every game and it's so frustrating to watch Collinsworth moderate a debate with Carter and Marino when he knows more about the 2006 teams than both of them combined. And that's fine. But check out this week's show just for the bizarre Larry Johnson segment -- he's more emotionally fragile than a pregnant 14-year-old. The KC coaches spend the entire game alternately hugging him and consoling him. It's crazy. After the Chiefs won the game, I thought Herm Edwards was going to reward him with cotton candy and a new Transformer. You have to see it. I can't take the Chiefs for at least one week after seeing that.
49ERS (-3.5) over Raiders
Wait, the Raiders are getting 3½ against a team that lost 41-0 last week? Please tell me somebody is writing a book about them. Did you know offensive coordinator Tom Walsh was operating a bed-and-breakfast when they hired him? A bed-and-breakfast! Last year at this time, his biggest concern was whether they were going to run out of pastries and jam for the first foliage weekend in October. Now, he's drawing up plays and breaking down NFL defenses. No wonder Randy Moss doesn't care anymore. Unbelievable.
That reminds me, my two favorite Art Shell e-mails of the week:
1. Ben from San Jose: "Thanks for the tip on the Art Shell Era. He might convince me to give gambling a try."
2. Bri from Indiana: "My buddy Ty and I have ongoing discussions about how Shell would do in other jobs, like as a deli manager, or manager of the Oakland A's. I contend that he would stand utterly still, with a headset on, in every situation, while things unraveled around him. For example, as a deli manager he'd stare blankly out at the oncoming lunch crowd as the deli ran out of cold cuts that he forgot to order. Don't you think this could be a show, something like 'The Shell Situation,' where they just move Art around to a bunch of different jobs to see if he really reacts the same way to everything? I'm sure Fox or MTV already has the rights to it though."
Randy probably wishes this season was over already.(I love this idea. One week, he could be the executive producer of a talk show. The next week, he could be the bouncer in a bar. It would never get old. Although I'd be just as happy with a show where Art screws up replay challenges every week. And I think that's a realistic hope.)
CHARGERS (-3) over Steelers
On Sunday, the Chargers were looking good against the Ravens and I turned to my buddy Sal and said, "You ready to hop on the Chargers bandwagon yet?" Within two seconds (no joke), Rivers threw that killer interception to let Baltimore back in the game. It was uncanny.
Anyway, I'd love to pile on Marty this week; nobody has coached more games when they resembled a Ken doll anatomically. But he did the right thing this time: Rivers wasn't quite ready for a game like that, and they couldn't kill his confidence this early in the season. So Marty kept it close to the vest and tried to protect the lead with his D (and it almost worked). I'm not killing him on that one. All things considered, this is still the best AFC team. The Chargers will prove it Sunday night.
(Note: Not everyone is sold. Disgruntled San Diego fan Dominic wonders, "Can you think of any analogies where the Martyball concept can be applied outside of football? What about folding a $500 pot when you're $5 from all-in because you're afraid someone will get you on the river? Working the machine for a walk in a batting cage? Five-hitting your way to a 19, then surrendering because the dealer is showing a face card? Landing a three-way with the Olsen twins, only to have them walk out because you fell asleep halfway through?")
BRONCOS (-4) over Ravens
Four predictions for this one:
1. Air McNair gets fully exposed. He has played four decent minutes in the past two weeks. You can't pull that crap against a defense like Denver's.
2. Once the Broncos get a lead, Shanahan won't ask Plummer to do anything. And I mean, anything. He'll do the same thing Marty did last week.
3. You will hear a lot of barely audible "IN-COM-PLETE" chants on your TV.
4. Mike Tirico officially starts to look like one of the kids from "The Squid and the Whale."