Top 100 Facts for Chuck Norris

[the Talking Can]

Chuck Norris (http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=chuck)

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can piss his name into concrete.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

[B]Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".[B]

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
.
.
.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris divides by zero.

Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick ass."
.
.
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.
.
.
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
.
.
.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.

[Halfcan]

Chuck got his ass beat by Bruce Lee-don't forget that one.

[Archie F. Swin]

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

ROFL!!!

[terrysheafanclub]

when chuck norris jumps into a lake, he doesnt get wet. The lake gets chuck norrised.

[siberian khatru]

Everyone should click the link and read them all.

That shit never gets old to me. Classic stuff.

[L.A. Chieffan]

WHO IS THIS CHUCK NORRIS PERSON, AND WHY IS HE TAKING CREDIT FOR EVERYTHING RICH SCANLON DOES?

[Al Bundy]

Chuck Norris doesn't teabag the ladies. He potato sacks them.

[BigRedChief]

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's ****ing beef.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted a horse.
The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Chuck Norris can agree on is that Tom Cruise is a faggotChuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies". 278 7.349
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can touch this.
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking for candy after he kicks his victims.
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil.
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt metal object. That's just suicide.
Chuck Norris once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "Shitting bricks" wasn't just a figure of speech.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris did that to Michael Jackson's face.
There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure. 196 7.173
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your sleep
We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is bulletproof.
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.
It is impossible to be raped by Chuck Norris because that would mean you did not want it to happen.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Chuck Norris was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Chuck Norris."
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
If Chuck Norris makes a woman ride on top during sex, she instantly qualifies for the "mile high" club.
Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women then most men.
Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the **** Chuck Norris is.
A unicorn once kicked Chuck Norris. That is why they no longer exist.
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Chuck Norris squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines.
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."
When Chuck Norris breaks the law, the law doesn't heal.
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.
Chuck Norris used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Chuck Norris.
The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say please
When Chuck Norris answers the phone, he just says "Go". This is not permission for you to begin speaking, it is your cue to start running for your life.
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of all things.
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has only one hand: the upper hand.
When lightning strikes Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris strikes back

[KCChiefsMan]

if Chuck Norris tells you it's Easter, you better paint ya eggs

[Easy 6]

Bigfoot hides because of Chuck Norris.

[007]

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

Man, I hope that PC crashes soon damnit.

[Munson]

- There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

- There is no chin behind Chuck Norris’ beard. There is only another fist.

- Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

- Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.

- How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

- As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

- Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

- Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.

[KurtCobain]

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he never cries.

[Easy 6]

If, in some strange twist of fate, Chuck Norris had to fight himself...Chuck Norris would win.

[CupidStunt]

Chuck Norris... would be own3d by Jack Bauer.

[Easy 6]

Chuck Norris... would be own3d by Jack Bauer.


Chuck would knock a turd longer than a well rope outta Jack.


Chuck would knock the shit outta Jack, but he wouldnt know what to do with his clothes.

[Adept Havelock]

Chuck Norris learned everything he knows about being a bad ass from Lee-fuggin-Marvin.

Including how to act. :p

[Easy 6]

Chuck Norris learned everything he knows about being a bad ass from Lee-fuggin-Marvin.

Including how to act. :p

I dunno, i think Lee could do more with 1 raised eyebrow than Chuck could with his whole being.

[Braincase]

Chuck Norris learned everything he knows about being a bad ass from Lee-fuggin-Marvin.

Including how to act. :p


Chuck Norris stared down Lee Van Cleef to death.

[CHIEF4EVER]

Rich Scanlon would whoop Chuck's monkey ass, eat his chow, sleep with his woman and drink his beer.

[BigRedChief]

Chuck Norris... would be own3d by Jack Bauer.
Dude there is a major top flight website (jackvschuck.com) devoted to this idea. They break it down on who would win the fight.

http://www.jackvschuck.com/

A sample:
The Norris File:
Look over both shoulders, if you don't see anything, chances are Chuck Norris is sneaking up on you; you have less than a minute to live.

Dominoes once delivered Chuck Norris' Pizza in over 30 minutes. Let's just say he is the reason why they ended that policy.

Christopher Reeve owed Chuck Norris $10, Chuck Norris evened the score.

Chuck Norris once cleared 30 acres of woodland forest with just 3 roundhouse kicks.

The Bauer File:
If you are reading this, Jack Bauer has spared your life.

Jack Bauer doesn't use Viagra, Viagra uses Jack Bauer.

As a Kid on Halloween Jack Bauer was given pennies instead of candy by a neighbor, that neighbor? Jimmy Hoffa.

Jack Bauer killed J.R.

Sonny Bono once cut Jack Bauer off while skiing. Once.

At railroad crossings, trains stop for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer knows what you did in Vegas.

The government started Daylight Savings Time so Jack Bauer could rest.

Jack Bauer doesn't get haircuts, he just simply tells his hair not to grow.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Jack VS Chuck,
I am a college student and my roommate never cleans up his side of the room. It is disgusting. He lives on the side of the room closest to the door so not only do I have to see (and smell) his mess I have to walk through it to get to my bed. I have asked him in the past to clean up. I have even cleaned some of it myself, but I refuse to be his maid. How can I get him to keep the place somewhat clean?
Jared, WI
Dear Jared,
This is what Jack Bauer would do:
First Jack Bauer would make a visit to his roommate's hometown. He would take high zoom black and white photos of his roommate's family, including the dog. Upon getting back to school he would advise his roommate it is in his family's best interest for him to clean up his half of the room within an hour, then drop a manila envelope with the photos in it on his bed.
This would be Jack's first and only warning. If the room were not cleaned within an hour, Jack would use the following 23 hours to make sure his roommate understood the severity of his lack of action.
Jack Bauer would hide in the closet awaiting the return of his roommate. When his roommate walks in the room Jack would throw a bag over his head and tie him to a chair. He would shoot his roommate in both kneecaps and threaten to cut off each of his fingers unless he cleaned up the room.
This is what Chuck Norris would do:
Chuck Norris would administer several roundhouse kicks to the head for each minute that his roommate refused to clean up his half of the room.
Either approch should work. Good Luck.

[Easy 6]

Dude there is a major top flight website (jackvschuck.com) devoted to this idea. They break it down on who would win the fight.

http://www.jackvschuck.com/

A sample:
The Norris File:
Look over both shoulders, if you don't see anything, chances are Chuck Norris is sneaking up on you; you have less than a minute to live.

Dominoes once delivered Chuck Norris' Pizza in over 30 minutes. Let's just say he is the reason why they ended that policy.

Christopher Reeve owed Chuck Norris $10, Chuck Norris evened the score.

Chuck Norris once cleared 30 acres of woodland forest with just 3 roundhouse kicks.

The Bauer File:
If you are reading this, Jack Bauer has spared your life.

Jack Bauer doesn't use Viagra, Viagra uses Jack Bauer.

As a Kid on Halloween Jack Bauer was given pennies instead of candy by a neighbor, that neighbor? Jimmy Hoffa.

Jack Bauer killed J.R.

Sonny Bono once cut Jack Bauer off while skiing. Once.

At railroad crossings, trains stop for Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer knows what you did in Vegas.

The government started Daylight Savings Time so Jack Bauer could rest.

Jack Bauer doesn't get haircuts, he just simply tells his hair not to grow.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Jack VS Chuck,
I am a college student and my roommate never cleans up his side of the room. It is disgusting. He lives on the side of the room closest to the door so not only do I have to see (and smell) his mess I have to walk through it to get to my bed. I have asked him in the past to clean up. I have even cleaned some of it myself, but I refuse to be his maid. How can I get him to keep the place somewhat clean?
Jared, WI
Dear Jared,
This is what Jack Bauer would do:
First Jack Bauer would make a visit to his roommate's hometown. He would take high zoom black and white photos of his roommate's family, including the dog. Upon getting back to school he would advise his roommate it is in his family's best interest for him to clean up his half of the room within an hour, then drop a manila envelope with the photos in it on his bed.
This would be Jack's first and only warning. If the room were not cleaned within an hour, Jack would use the following 23 hours to make sure his roommate understood the severity of his lack of action.
Jack Bauer would hide in the closet awaiting the return of his roommate. When his roommate walks in the room Jack would throw a bag over his head and tie him to a chair. He would shoot his roommate in both kneecaps and threaten to cut off each of his fingers unless he cleaned up the room.
This is what Chuck Norris would do:
Chuck Norris would administer several roundhouse kicks to the head for each minute that his roommate refused to clean up his half of the room.
Either approch should work. Good Luck.
That site is a laugh RIOT, scott free HIGHLY recommends!!!

[BigRedChief]

I thought it was the kind of humor that would go over well here. Glad ya like it.