Hammock Parties
11-29-2006, 01:35 AM
http://www.realfootball365.com/nfl/articles/2006/11/detroit-lions-worstgame291106.html
In honor of the Detroit Lions ' capturing and holding of the no. 32 spot in a perfect 100 percent of NFL power polls worldwide, RealFootball365 hereby kicks off the tournament for Super Bowl minus-I, also known as The Worst Game Never Played.
Thanks to the powerful simulation at the second-greatest Web site ever, WhatIfSports.com, a true nightmare tournament can be assembled without all that messy time-travel business. Selected are four teams truly worthy of being called The All-Time Worst, or at least The Worst in Recent History. As the RealFootball365 thesaurus is being worn to the spine searching for ways to define the mess that is the Detroit Lions , a Matt Millen franchise will represent the Honolulu blue-and-silver so that we may learn just how bad things truly are there.
The format of the tournament is simple: The AFC representatives will face off, as will the NFC's. Winners go home, losers advance to the final showdown in Phoenix, Ariz. for Super Bowl minus-I. Take a look at these squads, and hedge your (completely illegal and in no way encouraged by the National Football League and its licensees) bets:
1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers - These guys weren't just a bad team, they weren't just an expansion team ... they were a phenomenon. In the first two games of the team history, the Bucs went without a point. The 1976ers, "led" by Steve Spurrier and "coached" by USC legend John McKay, would ultimately run up 26 straight losses while setting records for appearances in the butt of jokes that may never be broken. And lest we forget: For inexplicable reasons, Tampa Bay graced the AFC West with the presence before swapping conferences with the Seattle Seahawks the following season.
1999 Cleveland Browns - After being robbed of a franchise whose history went back to the All-America Football Conference, Cleveland was re-expanded into the NFL, just so Clevelanders could experience a bad old-fashioned new team. This squad launched the career of Tim Couch and featured the NBA's all-time leading scorer, Karim Abdul-Jabbar, at halfback.
1989 Dallas Cowboys - Not an expansion team, but they might as well have been. "Let me trade Herschel Walker," said Jimmie Johnson to Jerry Jones, "and I'll build you a Super Bowl team." Five players, six conditional draft choices, one first-round pick and three years later, the Lombardi Trophy was in the Lone Star State. Along the way, though, Dallas fans had to finish the loathsome 1-15 season of 1989. Sure, they had Troy Aikman, but he threw 18 picks (and they didn't even call them "picks" back then) against nine TDs. Jack del Rio was a linebacker. You don't recognize the rest of the roster.
2005 Detroit Lions - We'll run another tourney once the WhatIfSports guys post the numbers for the 2006 version, but for now this version will do. Sure, Detroit's favorite QB Joey Harrington is there instead of Jon Kitna, but 2005 was, for Lions fans, just more of the same old garbage. Besides, the 2006 Lions' living players, Kevin Jones and Roy Williams, are on the 2005 team anyway. Plus, Millen was the GM and, boys and girls, these are truly his Lions.
Onto the games!
AFC Championship: 1976 Buccaneers 24, 1999 Browns 27. The Browns escape the ignominy of having to appear in The Worst Game Ever Played in an edge-of-your-seat game in Cleveland. After jumping out to 14-0 first-quarter lead on a 24-yard run from Couch (!) and a 19-yarder from Jabar (assist from Magic Johnson), it appeared to be smooth sailing. But the '76 Bucs hadn't seen such easy meat back in their day and began clawing their way back, even knocking Couch out in the process. On came Koy Detmer to lead the Browns on a long drive culminating in an 18-yard pass to Leslie Shepherd - You know him: He was in the "Naked Gun" movies - with just over one minute, 30 seconds to play. Spurrier went 19-of-33 for 227 yards all the while wishing he were in Florida.
NFC Championship: 2005 Lions 30, 1989 Cowboys 36. Not only is WhatIfSports a most excellent time-waster, it is also proof that the computer has a sense of humor. Check out the box score by clicking on the score above. Kicker Remy Hamilton, apparently substituted for Jason Hanson in either a completely believable coaching move by Steve Mariucci or Dick Jauron, goes 0-for-5 in extra-point conversions to waste a brilliant 25-of-33, 327-yard, three-TD performance by Harrington. The Cowboys prevail, winning for only the second time with this roster. And you know what? It's all perfectly credible. Except for Harrington's stats, of course.
Super Bowl minus-I: 1976 Buccaneers 0, 2005 Lions 14. In a game where both teams' supporters hoped their guys wouldn't be true to form, the 1976 Bucs were. Fuelled by Williams' guarantee of victory, Jauron (or maybe Mariucci) fired up his 21st-best 'D' to stop the Creamsicle-colored chumps of yesteryear. Hamilton again started at placekicker for the Lions and went 0-for-3 in field goals, but Williams and Jones scored a TD apiece, more than enough to overwhelm truly the All-Time Worst.
And so Detroit's fans rested peacefully for the first night since Matt Millen was applying punishment on the field as opposed to in the office; finally, a team the Lions can beat.
Now, if only the Ford Motor Co. can get that prototype time machine up and running...
P.S.
Fire Millen in ours and all alternate universes.
Insights into time travel and sometimes the Detroit Lions, too, at RealFootball365.com.
In honor of the Detroit Lions ' capturing and holding of the no. 32 spot in a perfect 100 percent of NFL power polls worldwide, RealFootball365 hereby kicks off the tournament for Super Bowl minus-I, also known as The Worst Game Never Played.
Thanks to the powerful simulation at the second-greatest Web site ever, WhatIfSports.com, a true nightmare tournament can be assembled without all that messy time-travel business. Selected are four teams truly worthy of being called The All-Time Worst, or at least The Worst in Recent History. As the RealFootball365 thesaurus is being worn to the spine searching for ways to define the mess that is the Detroit Lions , a Matt Millen franchise will represent the Honolulu blue-and-silver so that we may learn just how bad things truly are there.
The format of the tournament is simple: The AFC representatives will face off, as will the NFC's. Winners go home, losers advance to the final showdown in Phoenix, Ariz. for Super Bowl minus-I. Take a look at these squads, and hedge your (completely illegal and in no way encouraged by the National Football League and its licensees) bets:
1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers - These guys weren't just a bad team, they weren't just an expansion team ... they were a phenomenon. In the first two games of the team history, the Bucs went without a point. The 1976ers, "led" by Steve Spurrier and "coached" by USC legend John McKay, would ultimately run up 26 straight losses while setting records for appearances in the butt of jokes that may never be broken. And lest we forget: For inexplicable reasons, Tampa Bay graced the AFC West with the presence before swapping conferences with the Seattle Seahawks the following season.
1999 Cleveland Browns - After being robbed of a franchise whose history went back to the All-America Football Conference, Cleveland was re-expanded into the NFL, just so Clevelanders could experience a bad old-fashioned new team. This squad launched the career of Tim Couch and featured the NBA's all-time leading scorer, Karim Abdul-Jabbar, at halfback.
1989 Dallas Cowboys - Not an expansion team, but they might as well have been. "Let me trade Herschel Walker," said Jimmie Johnson to Jerry Jones, "and I'll build you a Super Bowl team." Five players, six conditional draft choices, one first-round pick and three years later, the Lombardi Trophy was in the Lone Star State. Along the way, though, Dallas fans had to finish the loathsome 1-15 season of 1989. Sure, they had Troy Aikman, but he threw 18 picks (and they didn't even call them "picks" back then) against nine TDs. Jack del Rio was a linebacker. You don't recognize the rest of the roster.
2005 Detroit Lions - We'll run another tourney once the WhatIfSports guys post the numbers for the 2006 version, but for now this version will do. Sure, Detroit's favorite QB Joey Harrington is there instead of Jon Kitna, but 2005 was, for Lions fans, just more of the same old garbage. Besides, the 2006 Lions' living players, Kevin Jones and Roy Williams, are on the 2005 team anyway. Plus, Millen was the GM and, boys and girls, these are truly his Lions.
Onto the games!
AFC Championship: 1976 Buccaneers 24, 1999 Browns 27. The Browns escape the ignominy of having to appear in The Worst Game Ever Played in an edge-of-your-seat game in Cleveland. After jumping out to 14-0 first-quarter lead on a 24-yard run from Couch (!) and a 19-yarder from Jabar (assist from Magic Johnson), it appeared to be smooth sailing. But the '76 Bucs hadn't seen such easy meat back in their day and began clawing their way back, even knocking Couch out in the process. On came Koy Detmer to lead the Browns on a long drive culminating in an 18-yard pass to Leslie Shepherd - You know him: He was in the "Naked Gun" movies - with just over one minute, 30 seconds to play. Spurrier went 19-of-33 for 227 yards all the while wishing he were in Florida.
NFC Championship: 2005 Lions 30, 1989 Cowboys 36. Not only is WhatIfSports a most excellent time-waster, it is also proof that the computer has a sense of humor. Check out the box score by clicking on the score above. Kicker Remy Hamilton, apparently substituted for Jason Hanson in either a completely believable coaching move by Steve Mariucci or Dick Jauron, goes 0-for-5 in extra-point conversions to waste a brilliant 25-of-33, 327-yard, three-TD performance by Harrington. The Cowboys prevail, winning for only the second time with this roster. And you know what? It's all perfectly credible. Except for Harrington's stats, of course.
Super Bowl minus-I: 1976 Buccaneers 0, 2005 Lions 14. In a game where both teams' supporters hoped their guys wouldn't be true to form, the 1976 Bucs were. Fuelled by Williams' guarantee of victory, Jauron (or maybe Mariucci) fired up his 21st-best 'D' to stop the Creamsicle-colored chumps of yesteryear. Hamilton again started at placekicker for the Lions and went 0-for-3 in field goals, but Williams and Jones scored a TD apiece, more than enough to overwhelm truly the All-Time Worst.
And so Detroit's fans rested peacefully for the first night since Matt Millen was applying punishment on the field as opposed to in the office; finally, a team the Lions can beat.
Now, if only the Ford Motor Co. can get that prototype time machine up and running...
P.S.
Fire Millen in ours and all alternate universes.
Insights into time travel and sometimes the Detroit Lions, too, at RealFootball365.com.