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View Full Version : 16 Serious Questions Raised by "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer"


siberian khatru
12-22-2006, 10:20 AM
http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/rudolph16/

1.) WHY IS SANTA SUCH A COMPLETE BASTARD?

I'm going to say he has a chemical disorder, probably Bipolar. The elves sing him a very nice song and he's a total jerk about it, leaving the desperately co-dependent Mrs. Clause to patch things up. He has some sort of eating disorder that causes his weight to fluctuate wildly. He tells Dasher he should be ashamed for presenting Rudolph to the community simply because the child has some sort of nose disorder. He only changes his mind about Rudolph once he figures out a way to exploit him. Plus, this guy is absolutely ITCHING to cancel Christmas. Hey Santa. It's not your call. Christmas is the day Jesus was born. God will let you know if Christmas is cancelled. Until then, get in the damn sleigh.

2.) WHAT'S UP WITH CLARICE?
http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/rudolph16/2.jpg

A generation of men my age is all screwed up because Rankin/Bass decided to make Clarice disturbingly attractive. She's a little forward, a little coy, and those eyelashes! I swear to God, we should all organize a class action suit to pay for our therapy.

3.) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE ELVES?
http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/rudolph16/3.jpg

Why are they such fascists? Like the head elf isn't way different than all the others? And what about the tall elf?

http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/rudolph16/4.jpg

Is he an engineer? Is he from MIT? Why is he tall? And how come the head elf and the tall elf don't get any shit but Hermy does?

4.) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THE REINDEER?

Okay, Rudolph's glowing, squealing nose is weird as shit, but why do the other reindeer find it terrifying? What about a glowing, squealing nose makes other reindeers pupils shrink and their bodies convulse? And why does it mean the poor bastard can't 'play in any reindeer games'? He's the best at flying after Provocative; Jailbait Clarice...

http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/rudolph16/6.jpg

...comes onto him. Is this like back when Negroes weren't allowed to play football?

5.) IS IT HERMY OR HERBIE?

My word to God, he gets called both over the course of less than an hour.

6.) IS HERMY GAY?
http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/rudolph16/7.jpg

Yes. Forty years ago you couldn't talk about homosexuality among puppets on TV, so they used the word 'dentist' instead of 'f-a-g.'

7.) IS YUKON CORNELIUS GAY?

Yukon Cornelius, like 7% of the population is asexual.

8.) WHAT'S THE DEALIO ON THAT FRIGGIN' TALKING SNOWMAN?
http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/rudolph16/9.jpg

Forty years ago, Burl Ives, who lent his voice and a lot more of his image than you'd think to the Talking Snowman was a big star. Now nobody remembers hits like "The Big Rock Candy Mountain" (a song that is actually about Hobos dying of malnutrition, exposure and alcoholism) or "The Ugly Bug Ball" (which is actually about unattractive bugs gathering to dance) or his Oscar winning turn as "Big Daddy" in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof". All anyone remembers about Burl Ives is that he is the talking snowman and they don't even know he was really Burl Ives. I imagine this makes the ghost of Burl Ives just about as mad as ****.

9.) WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH TIME AT THE NORTH POLE?

Okay, follow me here. Rudolph runs away from home right after Reindeer practice. He has adventures with Herbie and Yukon Cornelius and visits the Island of Misfit Toys. Then he leaves them behind and is off on his own long enough to enter puberty and grow antlers. Meanwhile, his Dad went to look for him right after he ran away, followed almost immediately by his mom and that Little Tart Clarice. The near adult Rudolph returns home to be informed by Santa that everyone's gone looking for him. We know it's been less than a year because Santa says he can't fly the team without Rudolph's dad, but it sure as hell has been a while. Rudolph goes directly to the Abominable snowman's cave JUST IN TIME TO STOP HIM FROM EATING THE ODDLY PROVOCATIVE...

http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/rudolph16/10.jpg

...CLARICE! How are we supposed to view this sequence of events? Where Mom, dad and Clarice looking for Rudolph for almost a year before the Abominable caught them? It's just a coincidence Rudolph stumbles upon them moments after that? I think this stretches credulity. I'm forced to assume that somewhere in the vicinity of the Island of Misfit Toys there's an object of immense mass, perhaps a Fallen White Dwarf Star, and that proximity to this mass causes relativity in time so that Rudolph has aged nearly a year while only having left the Pole for about a day.

10.) DO CLARICE'S PARENTS JUST NOT GIVE A SHIT?

Rudolph runs away and his folks go after him. Clarice disappears and her parents… don't appear in the special. Is she an orphan? Is that why she's always on the make, looking for the love she never got? Or maybe she's got that smokin' hot thing going on chicks get when Daddy can't be bothered.

http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/rudolph16/11.jpg

Don't tell me you don't know what I'm talking about here. You want her as much as I do and you don't give a damn that she's a reindeer.

11.) WHY IS KING MOON RACER SO DAMN COOL?

Aside from the fact that a Lion with wings is pretty cool to begin with, no one knows. I mean what does he do? He's king of an Island of Misfit Toys and all he wants is for Santa to take them off his paws. Then what would he be king of? A lot of Permafrost, that's what. But he's still cool as hell and anyone who says he isn't can meet me out back for a serious beating.

12.) IS THE BUMBLE RETARDED OR WHAT?

Ten minutes before Herbie yanks his teeth out, This hulking brute snapped a damn stalactite of the roof of his cave and beat Rudolph unconscious with it. Now he's harmless cause he doesn't have teeth? HELLO! You still have huge friggin' claws! You're still a friggin' GIANT! Get another stalactite and beat Yukon Cornelius to prospector paste instead of letting him push you off a damn cliff!

13.) WHAT'S WRONG WITH THE DOLL ON THE ‘ISLAND OF MISFIT TOYS'?
http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/rudolph16/14.jpg

She looks fine, right? She isn't. She wouldn't be on the ‘Island if Misfit Toys' if she was. Check it out. Rudy tells King Moon Racer that if he ever gets back to the North Pole he'll give Santa the 411 on the Misfits. Christmas Eve, when the doll thinks Santa isn't going to show, she goes on a crying jag and accuses Rudolph of having promised to help them. Okay, A.) He never made any damn promise B.) Rudolph doesn't run Christmas, Santa does and he's a complete, manic depressive bipolar bastard. I'll tell you why the doll is a misfit. She's a lying little bitch.

14.) WHY DOESN'T CHARLIE IN THE BOX CHANGE HIS NAME?

You can do that, you know. Have your name changed.

15.) WHY DOESN'T THE JELLY SQUIRTING WATER PISTOL EMPTY OUT THE JELLY AND PUT IN WATER?
http://www.i-mockery.com/shorts/rudolph16/16.jpg

I mean, it's not brain surgery. Stop looking for Santa to solve your problems. He's a bastard.

16.) WHY DOES RUDOLPH AGREE TO LEAD SANTA'S SLEIGH?

I mean, when someone treats you that way, all they deserve is a swift hoof in the nuts. I'm serious. Guide your own damn sleigh. Then when you crash in the Andes you can eat your Reindeer to survive. Nobody likes a skinny Santa.

cdcox
12-22-2006, 10:30 AM
Whie I can see the attraction to Clarise, she is nothing compared to the young Mrs. Claus on "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." That was one hot puppet.

BigRedChief
12-22-2006, 10:31 AM
Damn funny chit man. Rep

htismaqe
12-22-2006, 10:32 AM
The Miser Brothers are cool...

siberian khatru
12-22-2006, 10:32 AM
Whie I can see the attraction to Clarise, she is nothing compared to the young Mrs. Claus on "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." That was one hot puppet.

Absolutely. What a kissable mouth.

ChiTown
12-22-2006, 10:33 AM
Thanks.

I should be able to sleep more peaceful, knowing I'm not the only one that questions the validity of these cartoons..........

BigRedChief
12-22-2006, 10:34 AM
While we are at it? Whats with nursery rhymes? Some real henious stuff going on in those pre school dittys.

siberian khatru
12-22-2006, 10:35 AM
BTW, the answer to the "tall elf" question is, he moonlighted as Dennis the Menace's father:

http://www.fiftiesweb.com/tv/dennis-menace-1.jpg

ChiTown
12-22-2006, 10:38 AM
BTW, the answer to the "tall elf" question is, he moonlighted as Dennis the Menace's father:

http://www.fiftiesweb.com/tv/dennis-menace-1.jpg

oh my!

ROFL

tk13
12-22-2006, 12:16 PM
LMAO That's pretty good.

Wile_E_Coyote
12-22-2006, 12:37 PM
I've got that, We Are Santa's Elves song in my head now & the worse part is I don't even know the words

ptlyon
12-22-2006, 12:38 PM
I've got that, We Are Santa's Elves song in my head now & the worse part is I don't even know the words

"... We are Santa's Elves! HO HO!"

Wile_E_Coyote
12-22-2006, 12:41 PM
thanks

ptlyon
12-22-2006, 12:46 PM
Complete list

http://www.geocities.com/wingsofmercury/xmas4.html

Believer
12-22-2006, 08:48 PM
What about the coach?? He was pretty mean, he even went as far as leading the taunting "We're not going to include Rudolph in any reindeer games, right?"

hello, board of education?

BWillie
12-22-2006, 09:05 PM
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA. That "Dentist" definitely was a butt pirate. I never thought of it that way. Good stuff, compelling and rich.

Raiderhater
12-22-2006, 09:16 PM
LMAO That is quality.

Raiderhater
11-26-2013, 07:49 PM
I do not know why Rudolph is on tonight BEFORE Thanksgiving but, anyway, it made me think of this. So....


Bump

Hammock Parties
11-26-2013, 07:51 PM
the baby boomers sure love this thread

Raiderhater
11-26-2013, 07:55 PM
<------ Not a baby boomer.

notorious
11-26-2013, 08:18 PM
LMAO

displacedinMN
11-26-2013, 09:03 PM
Fabulous!!!! rep

siberian khatru
11-26-2013, 09:18 PM
That's a hell of a bump

tredadda
11-26-2013, 09:38 PM
Loved that thread. Some of them had me in tears.

B2chiefsfan
11-26-2013, 09:39 PM
Guide your own damn sleigh.


ROFL:clap:ROFL

Davechief
11-26-2013, 09:43 PM
To bad Yukon Cornelius can't be signed to play for us as a receiver. He could show Dungver how to properly execute a pick play

KcMizzou
11-26-2013, 09:44 PM
the baby boomers sure love this threadPfft. Gen X loved it too.

tredadda
11-26-2013, 09:46 PM
Funny though that all those toys are about to lose all their friends in the hopes of being loved by a child. What do they do when the children reject them for the misfits they are and play with cool toys? These toys sink into deep depression with no one to relate to as all the "cool" toys ignore them.

Also who does King Moon Racer rule over now that there are no toys? Is he still a king when he has no subjects?

KcMizzou
11-26-2013, 09:48 PM
We may be over-thinking this.

BigRedChief
11-26-2013, 09:54 PM
the baby boomers sure love this threadWe had 3 channels. None were funny or good. All we had was Rudolf visiting our vacant hellscape of TV viewing once a year. We are still traumatized. Cut us a break.

mikeyis4dcats.
11-26-2013, 09:56 PM
I do not know why Rudolph is on tonight BEFORE Thanksgiving but, anyway, it made me think of this. So....


Bump

same reason the Simpson's halloween episode is always after halloween.

BigRedChief
11-26-2013, 09:59 PM
That's a hell of a bumpMaybe the Academy should have a bump of the year contest?

Psyko Tek
11-26-2013, 10:13 PM
TO FUCKING EARLY

jebus can we p[lease wait until after thanksgiving

cosmo20002
11-26-2013, 10:32 PM
What did Santa do before Rudolph? What, this was the first foggy Christmas Eve in history?

J Diddy
11-26-2013, 10:40 PM
I have it. Ruldolph was the mutant offspring of an Afghanistan gang rape.


It is a sickening tale of how the first inserted a battery in the reindeer vagina and then went to town.

cdcox
11-26-2013, 10:43 PM
I saw that this thread was from 2006, and that I'd posted in it and I was curious what I had posted. As soon as I saw question 2, I knew that this was going to be my post.

While I can see the attraction to Clarise, she is nothing compared to the young Mrs. Claus on "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." That was one hot puppet.

BigRedChief
11-26-2013, 10:43 PM
I have it. Ruldolph was the mutant offspring of an Afghanistan gang rape.


It is a sickening tale of how the first inserted a battery in the reindeer vagina and then went to town.I thought Reindeer's and goats were related? Incest too Rudolf?:)

Graystoke
11-27-2013, 08:46 AM
Yeah...this show is one of my favorites:

Additional thoughts:

Yukon Cornelius' stalwart sled dogs include a cocker spaniel, a poodle, a Saint Bernard, a collie, and a dachshund. A Dachsund? Really?

And did you notice that Yukon Cornelius has a Revolver? Whats the problem?
Why is he so feared of the Abominable?

Hermy-Herrbie whatever. Is the only elf without pointed ears. He's also the only male elf with hair on top of his head. This guy has way more issues then just wanting to be a Dentist.

At the end when Santa is dropping the Misfits toys out of his Sleigh, the helper elf drops the blue train, and he no longer has the caboose with square wheels!
What???
Also, the bird who couldn't fly is shown leaving the sleigh without an umbrella?
Could we imply that Santa was able to use his magic to fix these Misfit Toys?

BlackHelicopters
11-27-2013, 09:11 AM
Who rides a a sleigh anymore. Get an SUV.

tooge
11-27-2013, 09:18 AM
Greeeaaaat, so now, Dentist is code for fag. Why all the dentist hate. Oh, and I'd nail Clarise if I was Afghani for sure! she's hot.

tooge
11-27-2013, 09:23 AM
The entire premise of the show is passe anyhow.
1. Obamacare is going to fix all the misfit toys.
2. Herbie won't be able to get into dental school because he's not female, black, or arab.
3. Global warming has ruined any chance of cruising around for weeks at a time on a small floating piece of ice.
4. Yukon Cornelius changed is last name to Hoffman and is prospecting gold in South America somewhere.

KINGPIN CHIEFS FAN
11-27-2013, 10:33 AM
We had 3 channels. None were funny or good. All we had was Rudolf visiting our vacant hellscape of TV viewing once a year. We are still traumatized. Cut us a break.

Don't forget the Wizard of Oz that was shown once a year. You talk about a violence filled hour that scared the crap out of young kids. Nothing but murder and mayhem and extreme prejudice towards witches. I don't have any problem with hot witches, Elizabeth Montgomery was welcome in my fantasies many times as a young buck.

Valiant
11-27-2013, 10:36 AM
Damn christians. Christ was not born in December. Quit trying to take over my pagan holiday.

gblowfish
11-27-2013, 10:49 AM
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gblowfish
11-27-2013, 11:02 AM
OK, this one is extra disturbing.... NSFW....not safe for ANYONE....

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sd4chiefs
11-27-2013, 11:48 AM
16.) WHY DOES RUDOLPH AGREE TO LEAD SANTA'S SLEIGH?

If you were a Rain deer would you want to be the one at the end? You just know that they are going have to take a dump sometime while flying from city to city. :hmmm:

siberian khatru
12-19-2014, 04:05 PM
Time for the annual bump.

big nasty kcnut
12-19-2014, 04:10 PM
What i heard about the doll was she suffered from depression from not being used.

alanm
12-19-2014, 04:16 PM
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Dayze
12-19-2014, 04:18 PM
LMAO
holy shit.

Just Passin' By
12-19-2014, 04:18 PM
Watched it on Tuesday
:thumb:

JD10367
12-19-2014, 04:23 PM
The guy who wrote that piece (Max Burbank) is an acquaintance of mine (we worked together for a year or two in the early 90s). Funny guy, wry sense of humor.

siberian khatru
12-19-2014, 04:29 PM
Watched it on Tuesday
:thumb:

Watched it last night with the fam, which is why I was reminded of this.

My boys are old enough now (19 and 15) and so familiar with it that we give it the MST3K treatment to try to keep things fresh. Each year we're able to come up with a few new jokes.

BigRedChief
12-19-2014, 04:55 PM
Watched it on Tuesday
:thumb:It has to be the #1 holiday special that families watch every year. No matter how many times you have seen the show.

BigRedChief
12-21-2014, 10:02 AM
Rudolf https://scontent-b-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10850079_10205775546213732_8883133525514474985_n.jpg?oh=7fe5b827f4e5e307766272274f300746&oe=55095E5Ehttps://scontent-b-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10850079_10205775546213732_8883133525514474985_n.jpg?oh=7fe5b827f4e5e307766272274f300746&oe=55095E5Ehttps://scontent-b-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10850079_10205775546213732_8883133525514474985_n.jpg?oh=7fe5b827f4e5e307766272274f300746&oe=55095E5Ehttps://scontent-b-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10850079_10205775546213732_8883133525514474985_n.jpg?oh=7fe5b827f4e5e307766272274f300746&oe=55095E5Ehttps://scontent-b-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10850079_10205775546213732_8883133525514474985_n.jpg?oh=7fe5b827f4e5e307766272274f300746&oe=55095E5Ehttps://scontent-b-mia.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xap1/v/t1.0-9/10850079_10205775546213732_8883133525514474985_n.jpg?oh=7fe5b827f4e5e307766272274f300746&oe=55095E5E

Raiderhater
12-21-2014, 01:32 PM
I almost bumped this a couple of weeks ago for the 50th anniversary showing. I still crack up when I read it.

Raiderhater
12-01-2015, 06:35 PM
Clarice Crush Club heads up - her show is on in less than 30.

Gonzo
12-01-2015, 06:41 PM
A dentist? Good Grief!

MarkDavis'Haircut
12-08-2023, 02:00 PM
Valid questions.

TLO
12-08-2023, 02:01 PM
Valid questions.

Thank you! :holdman::old::bolt::fear:

siberian khatru
12-08-2023, 03:04 PM
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