Spousal Cheating: Your Reaction?

[Donger]

What would your reaction be if you discovered your spouse was having an affair? Two scenarios: one you simply hear about it and two, you actually catch your spouse in the act.

Thanks.

[JimNasium]

1. Get sufficient evidence to give yourself the power position in divorce proceedings.

2. I have no idea how I would react but I would hope I could constrain myself.

[Phobia]

I become depressed, spend all my time at work, and gain 40 lbs.

Then after putting up with about 3 years of the crap and trying to make it work for the sake of the kids, boot her out, lose the weight, get divorced, and get on with my life.

[Brock]

Throw her out on her ass.

[Phobia]

Oh, I don't know what I'd have done if I actually caught somebody in my bed or something like that. The state of mind I was in at the time I'd have most certainly done something that landed me in the clink and put both of them in the hospital - maybe worse. That was not a fun time in my life.

[Donger]

I become depressed, spend all my time at work, and gain 40 lbs.

Then after putting up with about 3 years of the crap and trying to make it work for the sake of the kids, boot her out, lose the weight, get divorced, and get on with my life.

How old were your children?

[Scaga]

One...maybe two words...

Buh-Bye

[Phobia]

How old were your children?

When I first found out? 2 and 3. When I booted her out - 4 and 5, IIRC.

[Donger]

When I first found out? 2 and 3.

Terrible. How did you find out?

If this is too personal, please advise.

[tyton75]

Antifreeze

[BucEyedPea]

I'd forgive it once,of I had children, depending on all the factors.
Of course, I say this intellectually, if it happened I don't know if I do as I think separated emotionally from an incident.

I had my first fiance, while in college, cheat and I broke up with him. He didn't want to break up but wanted to share, as in still go out with the other and keep me on the ropes too. I couldn't deal with that. Once you have all, it's hard to have half. I figured the best option, was to completely deny him. It worked. He came back 9 months later. Went out for a few months again, but it was never the same because the trust was gone. I never would have imagined my going this way as I was devasted by the break-up lost nearly 13 pounds in one week dropping to 90 pounds because I couldn't eat, couldn't even get out of bed in the morning I was so depressed.

[Baby Lee]

When I first found out? 2 and 3. When I booted her out - 4 and 5, IIRC.
and I don't caarre if you are 4, or if you're 5, or a child, I will STRAIGHTEN YOUR ASS OUT!!

[Hammock Parties]

I'm the only one who knows just what brand of peanut butter she likes. I suppose someone else could accidentally discover it.

[Phobia]

Terrible. How did you find out?

If this is too personal, please advise.

I don't mind at all. The first time I was in Japan finishing up my last tour in the USMC and came home for 10 days. I suspected already because there were unknown numbers showing up on the calling card bill and she was unavailable far too frequently when I called her mother's house. But it was her little sister (in high school) who confirmed it for me.

I guess that's fairly common in the military so I made a go of it anyway.

Then I sent her to nursing school when we moved to Texas and she developed a very close relationship with a much younger dude. I confirmed that one after a year or so when she went to San Antonio over the weekend for a supposed Nursing class. When I never saw a diploma or bill I went searching and discovered a couple rolls of pictures of their weekend together buried in her closet. It was of them arm in arm at all the tourist sites in 3 or 4 different outfits. Heh. She claimed that they had a couple of hours for sight-seeing after the class on Sunday afternoon. Plausible, I suppose if you went back to the hotel for a change of clothes every 45 minutes.

That was when I really got stupid. I figured buying her a new house full of new furniture would make things better. Heh. Fortunately she moved into the guest bedroom as soon as we moved in and got the boot a couple months later. I kept the house in the divorce but lost half the furniture. I paid on that stuff for a long time while it sat in her new pad.

She finally married the dude and they were divorced last year. She's a real prize.

[Donger]

I don't mind at all. The first time I was in Japan finishing up my last tour in the USMC and came home for 10 days. I suspected already because there were unknown numbers showing up on the calling card bill and she was unavailable far too frequently when I called her mother's house. But it was her little sister (in high school) who confirmed it for me.

I guess that's fairly common in the military so I made a go of it anyway.

Then I sent her to nursing school when we moved to Texas and she developed a very close relationship with a much younger dude. I confirmed that one after a year or so when she went to San Antonio over the weekend for a supposed Nursing class. When I never saw a diploma or bill I went searching and discovered a couple rolls of pictures of their weekend together buried in her closet. It was of them arm in arm at all the tourist sites in 3 or 4 different outfits. Heh. She claimed that they had a couple of hours for sight-seeing after the class on Sunday afternoon. Plausible, I suppose if you went back to the hotel for a change of clothes every 45 minutes.

That was when I really got stupid. I figured buying her a new house full of new furniture would make things better. Heh. Fortunately she moved into the guest bedroom as soon as we moved in and got the boot a couple months later. I kept the house in the divorce but lost half the furniture. I paid on that stuff for a long time while it sat in her new pad.

She finally married the dude and they were divorced last year. She's a real prize.


Yes, she sounds like quite the prize.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

[Brando]

I don't mind at all. The first time I was in Japan finishing up my last tour in the USMC and came home for 10 days. I suspected already because there were unknown numbers showing up on the calling card bill and she was unavailable far too frequently when I called her mother's house. But it was her little sister (in high school) who confirmed it for me.

I guess that's fairly common in the military so I made a go of it anyway.

Then I sent her to nursing school when we moved to Texas and she developed a very close relationship with a much younger dude. I confirmed that one after a year or so when she went to San Antonio over the weekend for a supposed Nursing class. When I never saw a diploma or bill I went searching and discovered a couple rolls of pictures of their weekend together buried in her closet. It was of them arm in arm at all the tourist sites in 3 or 4 different outfits. Heh. She claimed that they had a couple of hours for sight-seeing after the class on Sunday afternoon. Plausible, I suppose if you went back to the hotel for a change of clothes every 45 minutes.

That was when I really got stupid. I figured buying her a new house full of new furniture would make things better. Heh. Fortunately she moved into the guest bedroom as soon as we moved in and got the boot a couple months later. I kept the house in the divorce but lost half the furniture. I paid on that stuff for a long time while it sat in her new pad.

She finally married the dude and they were divorced last year. She's a real prize.

Calls for a kick to the cameltoe with a steel toed work boot. I used to hate this b*tch. Now I really hate her!

[keg in kc]

I'd suspected mine was cheating for a long time, but didn't find for sure out until about 6 months before we split. She told then me she'd been sleeping with a variety of people for 4-5 years, since a couple of months after we met, when I went away to work out of state for a summer during college.

At that time in my life, before I'd started trying to put things together, I wondered what was wrong with me that made her do that, and I did everything I could to make both myself and the relationship better. Which was good for me, I needed to do that. In the end, she left.

What I learned over time is that people do that because of who they are, and not who you are. I had to take some responsibility in that it was my fault for placing myself in the situation, and blindly letting it go on, despite all the signs, but she did it because of who she was.

Now, if I experienced a similar situation today, now that I'm a little stronger, I'd simply leave, and that person would be out of my life for good. Infidelity to me is the one thing where there's no second chance, no do-over, and I make that very clear very early on in a relationship.

I would imagine that, if I caught them in the act, I might do a bit of property damage out of frustration, but I wouldn't physically assualt either of them. As far as I'm concerned, what's the point? It won't make it magically not have happened and it wouldn't make my girlfriend/wife not a cheating slut. As for the guy (or girl, that happens, too...), I don't believe I'd feel a great desire to do anything to them. Because the reality is, unless it's a very close friend (and I don't have any of those...) they don't have any committment to me, so in my view they're not violating any kind of trust.

In the end, I'm sure I'd be heartbroken, and I'd probably chalk it up as another in a long line of poor choices, but I'd be glad to be gone, and that I know the truth.

[1ChiefsDan]

Just be careful with the "just heard about it". I had a phone call from a "concerned party" telling me my wife was having an affair. Did some investigating and found out it was a bitch my wife had fired.

[Phobia]

I would imagine that, if I caught them in the act, I might do a bit of property damage out of frustration, but I wouldn't physically assualt either of them.

Not me. I completely understand how people snap now. I was in a very dark emotional place during all that.

[cookster50]

I dream of scenario 2 every night. Except the "cheating" is with another chick. If that were to ever happen, I'd have to join in. Nothing else would make sense. That's just the way I roll.

[keg in kc]

Not me. I completely understand how people snap now. I was in a very dark emotional place during all that.I'm saying that's how I'd react now. I think if I'd caught Tracy in the act back about 2002, I'd probably have gone on a killing spree. There's a lot of pent up anger, frustration and violence inherent in depression. Or at least there was in mine. So I get that, too.

I know there was this one night toward the end, when she hadn't come home by about 3 am and wasn't answering calls. I took off in my car and went looking for her. Probably good for both of us I didn't find her.

[kepp]

I dream of scenario 2 every night. Except the "cheating" is with another chick. If that were to ever happen, I'd have to join in. Nothing else would make sense. That's just the way I roll.
You forgot the background music

[Brando]

When I found out about my ex-fiance it was the night after she told me that she didn't think that we should get married.
Found a text message saying, "I love you more, Tim."
I then regreted having punched a hole in the wall the night before and wished that it had been her face.
I ended up using her toothbrush to clean out good ole #2 and the toilet while she was out. Ahhh...good times.

[stlchiefs]

I'm the only one who knows just what brand of peanut butter she likes. I suppose someone else could accidentally discover it.

Is this in reference to you putting PB on your @!#% and letting your dog lick it off? :Lin:

[teedubya]

Well, Phil, you have a winner now. You had to go through shit girl, to find the brilliant, beauty you now have.

[BucEyedPea]

At that time in my life, before I'd started trying to put things together, I wondered what was wrong with me that made her do that, and I did everything I could to make both myself and the relationship better. Which was good for me, I needed to do that. In the end, she left.

What I learned over time is that people do that because of who they are, and not who you are. I had to take some responsibility in that it was my fault for placing myself in the situation, and blindly letting it go on, despite all the signs, but she did it because of who she was.


I think that depends on the woman too. I had a professional colleague in Boston who did that and felt it was totally okay too. She felt there was nothing wrong with it. Other times, I feel some women cheat because they get emotionally close to someone and that leads to action. At least that's what claimed by psychologists. Whereas, in the case of a man it's usually more sex.

I feel for men, especially if they have kids because this happened to my brother. I really liked his former wife too. Not only that they had twin babies when he found out; had to do a paternity test and they weren't his kids. Agreed to forgive her, and raise the two babies....then she starts this wanting to have the real father involved too. That did it for him. She got emotionally close to her junior at work is how it all happened.

[StcChief]

Calls for a kick to the cameltoe with a steel toed work boot. I used to hate this b*tch. Now I really hate her!
I have steel toes. :hmmm: should have though of that.

[htismaqe]

My ex-wife's boyfriend called the house at the wrong time.

I was devastated. It took me about a year to figure out it was the best thing that ever happened to me.

[Mr. Plow]

Just be careful with the "just heard about it". I had a phone call from a "concerned party" telling me my wife was having an affair. Did some investigating and found out it was a bitch my wife had fired.


I had one of those. Started getting emails from someone saying they saw my wife out at a bar making out with some guy. I am not one to really jump to a conclusion, so I confronted her about it. Of course the answer was "No I wasn't." This person emailed me a couple more times, and finally I sent them an email back that said something along the lines of "Ok. If you really did see this, let's meet and talk about it. If you are brave enough to send me these emails, then be brave enough to tell me to my face."

That was the end of it. Never heard from them again. I do believe it was an ex girlfriend that has wanted me back. Probably because the guy she left me for knocked her up, then started beating her up.

[keg in kc]

I think that depends on the woman too. I had a professional colleague in Boston who did that and felt it was totally okay too. She felt there was nothing wrong with it. Other times, I feel some women cheat because they get emotionally close to someone and that leads to action. At least that's what claimed by psychologists. Whereas, in the case of a man it's usually more sex. The older I get, the more I think the mars/venus thing is a myth. Men get emotionally involved, too, we've just been taught by society that it's weak, so most of us either run away when that happens, or act like a complete douchebag. When in fact, being a chickenshit who can't deal with how he feels is the definition of true weakness.

That's just my 2 cents, however. I know psychologists disagree.

[stlchiefs]

Damn, lot of sad stories on here. At this time in my life (if I was married) my reaction would be as follows:
Scenario 1: Hire the best damn divorce attorney around. That bitch would be going down.

Scenario 2: Would most likely involve some sort of blunt force trauma, maybe even a shotgun.

[BigMeatballDave]

and I don't caarre if you are 4, or if you're 5, or a child, I will STRAIGHTEN YOUR ASS OUT!!
ROFL

[cdcox]

Since I've been married for 24 years, I think I'd forgive if it were a one time thing and she truly regretted the mistake. Some friends of ours went through this exact thing a couple years ago and both couples managed to stay together, although one of the couples ended up leaving town.

[Donger]

Thanks everyone. I know this is an emotional/painful subject, but I do appreciate the comments.

[keg in kc]

I was devastated. It took me about a year to figure out it was the best thing that ever happened to me.It's definitely rough, but it's generally the beginning of something better.

[BucEyedPea]

Thanks everyone. I know this is an emotional/painful subject, but I do appreciate the comments.
Is this happening to you Donger?
No need to answer if too personal.

[88TG88]

Antifreeze
good choice

[BucEyedPea]

The older I get, the more I think the mars/venus thing is a myth. Men get emotionally involved, too, we've just been taught by society that it's weak, so most of us either run away when that happens, or act like a complete douchebag. When in fact, being a chickenshit who can't deal with how he feels is the definition of true weakness.

That's just my 2 cents, however. I know psychologists disagree.
Thanks for your thoughts on this. I'd put more stock in this than what a psyche says. It's just you'd never know it by how men talk many times.

[Phobia]

Thanks everyone. I know this is an emotional/painful subject, but I do appreciate the comments.

Not any more. It was the best thing to ever happen to me. It made me a much better person in the long run.

I would caution anybody going through anything similar to find a trusted level-headed friend in whom to confide and guide you. I didn't really have that and I made a lot of stupid mistakes during the process. You become an emotional wreck and you make poor decisions (or you don't make any decisions at all - which is what I did). It's okay asking for help through something like this.

[Donger]

Is this happening to you Donger?
No need to answer if too personal.

Not directly. My wife's best friend called her last night as we were putting our critters to bed and informed my wife that her asshole husband has been having numerous affairs for years. I always suspected, as did my wife, but apparently she found some evidence and confronted him.

It's really sad. She's a really sharp, beautiful gal.

[siberian khatru]

But it was her little sister (in high school) who confirmed it for me.




You should've nailed the sister.

[Phobia]

Not directly. My wife's best friend called her last night as we were putting our critters to bed and informed my wife that her asshole husband has been having numerous affairs for years. I always suspected, as did my wife, but apparently she found some evidence and confronted him.

It's really sad. She's a really sharp, beautiful gal.

She's going to need you guys. Make yourselves available for her, please.

[BucEyedPea]

Now that we've covered the cheating angle, I'd like to ask a question that's not exactly on topic but related....have any of you men become attracted physically and emotionally to another woman while married, even to the point that it could be someone you could love and marry? If so how did you deal with it, to remain faithful?

[kepp]

My ex-wife's boyfriend called the house at the wrong time.

I was devastated. It took me about a year to figure out it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
Yep, I was devastated for a long time too. My ex cheated with her boss. In the end, though, it was best for everyone. We actually shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. But, you know...hind-sight...

[Phobia]

You should've nailed the sister.

The sister has remained somewhat of an ally through the years. She doesn't have a whole lot of respect for her sister's behavior. In fact, she was a strong supporter in the custody case last year.

[Donger]

She's going to need you guys. Make yourselves available for her, please.

We'll do all we can. I've never been through anything like this, so I don't even know where to begin. It sucks. Their kids and our kids are the same ages and play all the time.

[keg in kc]

Thanks for your thoughts on this. I'd put more stock in this than what a psyche says. It's just you'd never know it by how men talk many times.We menfolk are good at talking big and bad.I would caution anybody going through anything similar to find a trusted level-headed friend in whom to confide and guide you. I didn't really have that and I made a lot of stupid mistakes during the process. You become an emotional wreck and you make poor decisions (or you don't make any decisions at all - which is what I did). It's okay asking for help through something like this.Pretty sage advice.

Other piece of advice would be to take at least a few months off from the dating scene before you start looking for the next contestant. You'll be doing yourself, and her, whoever she ends up being, a big, big favor.

[Phobia]

Now that we've covered the cheating angle, I'd like to ask a question that's not exactly on topic but related....have any of you men become attracted physically and emotionally to another woman while married, even to the point that it could be someone you could love and marry? If so how did you deal with it, to remain faithful?
I've certainly been attracted to plenty of women but emotional is something different altogether. You just have to keep yourself out of those situations.

[chasedude]

I'm a child of divorced parents. I'm not sure if one of them was unfaithful on the other or not, but I've heard some stories.
My parents verbally abused each other for 10 years before they finally called it quits. My grandmother paid for a wonderful cruise around the Hawaiian Islands as an 19th anniversary present for them hoping it would spark something back in their marriage. It failed of course and the marriage ended soon after that.
Listening to each of them bitch at each other for years was just too much for me as a kid. I wished they had ended it a long time before that for me and my brothers sake.
My point? If you're sticking around because of the kids sake... DON'T!

[kepp]

Now that we've covered the cheating angle, I'd like to ask a question that's not exactly on topic but related....have any of you men become attracted physically and emotionally to another woman while married, even to the point that it could be someone you could love and marry? If so how did you deal with it, to remain faithful?
I'm not very emotionally-available so the chances are slim :)

But whenever any thought like that crosses my mind I just remind myself how I felt getting cheated on and, now that I have kids, the wreckage I would cause. That's usually a pretty good cool-down.

[htismaqe]

Thanks everyone. I know this is an emotional/painful subject, but I do appreciate the comments.

Like Phobia said, it's really not a painful subject for me anymore.

I'm in a much better place in my life now.

It certainly helps how things turned out for both of us. :evil:

[BucEyedPea]

Other piece of advice would be to take at least a few months off from the dating scene before you start looking for the next contestant. You'll be doing yourself, and her, whoever she ends up being, a big, big favor.

Yeah, I'd have to agree. Otherthan repairing the ego, it's just to hard to do and be fair to another.

[htismaqe]

It's definitely rough, but it's generally the beginning of something better.

Absolutely it was in my case.

[Mile High Mania]

So many different factors to consider, especially if kids are involved.

I have friends that have been on both sides of this equation... they have either been the one cheated on or the one actually doing the cheating. Thankfully, neither scenario had kids.

[keg in kc]

Now that we've covered the cheating angle, I'd like to ask a question that's not exactly on topic but related....have any of you men become attracted physically and emotionally to another woman while married, even to the point that it could be someone you could love and marry? If so how did you deal with it, to remain faithful?My answer would be no, and that it's sort of contingent with monogamy to not let yourself get into a situation like that to begin with. It's okay to find someone attractive, there are a lot of beautiful people in the world, but I consider developing a strong emotional attachment (of the romantic variety) to be cheating every bit as much as a physical act.

[cdcox]

Not directly. My wife's best friend called her last night as we were putting our critters to bed and informed my wife that her asshole husband has been having numerous affairs for years. I always suspected, as did my wife, but apparently she found some evidence and confronted him.

It's really sad. She's a really sharp, beautiful gal.

If he's a habitual cheater, he's unlikely to change.

I've known several women who seem to have everything going for them, except they seem to have a knack of selecting the wrong kind of guy.

[Donger]

If he's a habitual cheater, he's unlikely to change.

I've known several women who seem to have everything going for them, except they seem to have a knack of selecting the wrong kind of guy.

They are both considerably younger than the wife and I. Met in high school, college sweethearts, etc. She's very quiet and he's very outgoing, obviously.

[BucEyedPea]

If he's a habitual cheater, he's unlikely to change.

I've known several women who seem to have everything going for them, except they seem to have a knack of selecting the wrong kind of guy.
I've seen that too. Often it seems to be beautiful women who have more of these problems. One of my sisters and a cousin, former models love life is a complete wreck due to this phenomena. No common sense in judging the character of man.

[keg in kc]

She's definitely going to need your support. I hope for her sake she doesn't think staying in a shitty situation with an assbag is best for the kids.

[Donger]

She's definitely going to need your support. I hope for her sake she doesn't think staying in a shitty situation with an assbag is best for the kids.

She already does. She doesn't have much self-esteem. I've been trying to work on that for years, but the 'husband' and I once almost came to blow over my efforts.

[BucEyedPea]

My answer would be no, and that it's sort of contingent with monogamy to not let yourself get into a situation like that to begin with. It's okay to find someone attractive, there are a lot of beautiful people in the world, but I consider developing a strong emotional attachment (of the romantic variety) to be cheating every bit as much as a physical act.

To you and Phil: I'd have to agree. I found it happening to me a couple of times when I was married but I handled it by getting away from the situation. It's just self-control. I used to think there was something wrong with me. Now I think it means there isn't just one that we could feel that way; just that it's an ethical choice to not act on it. Besides, it goes away in time I found, just like any infatuation does. There's much more to real love than infatuations.

[Mile High Mania]

My wife has two friends that are married to genuine a-holes.

Friend #1 is in the military (nurse) and actually found out that her husband was having an affair and taking trips with this other woman. It went on for about 18 months. It's been a year and she is still with him and he claims he has changed. He's lucky that her dad passed away... he'd be a dead man otherwise.

Friend #2 is married to this real classy guy. He continues to make comments about her weight, personality, etc. He has even mentioned that he would leave her if she didn't lose weight, become more outgoing, etc. This is her 2nd husband, she's about 30... she's not fat by any means, granted she could lose 15 lbs... but c'mon.

If I were close friends with either of these two women or if they were family... I'd participate in the disappearance of both guys.

[keg in kc]

She already does. She doesn't have much self-esteem. I've been trying to work on that for years, but the 'husband' and I once almost came to blow over my efforts.Is she coming at it from the "martyr" side, where she thinks it's her lot to bear, for the kids' sake, or from the "afraid of doing this on my own" side?

I don't have personal experience in this, but my view is that most kids have a better time of it in split, but happy, homes, than they do in a forced marriage with parents who aren't on the same page. I don't know how you can get that point across to her, however.

Kids are very perceptive, at any age, they might not know or understand the details, but they will know when things are not right.

[rtmike]

Been there a time or two.
http://aklemai.com/albums/2006_03/CuntPunt_1.jpg

[Donger]

Is she coming at it from the "martyr" side, where she thinks it's her lot to bear, for the kids' sake, or from the "afraid of doing this on my own" side?

I don't have personal experience in this, but my view is that most kids have a better time of it in split, but happy, homes, than they do in a forced marriage with parents who aren't on the same page. I don't know how you can get that point across to her, however.

Kids are very perceptive, at any age, they might not know or understand the details, but they will know when things are not right.

I don't know. Since this all came to a head last night, I don't think she has had enough time to really 'think' about what has happened.

My wife is ready to kill the husband, though.

[Orlandochiefsgrl]

sleep with her best friend, sister, mother, aunt, cousin to get even.

[Mile High Mania]

My wife is ready to kill the husband, though.

Well, just remember how things work on CSI / Law & Order... use what you've learned to help it go away with nothing tracing back to you.

[Eleazar]

She showed her true colors. I'd throw her out on her ass.

[Orlandochiefsgrl]

encourage your wife that having a threesome with the girl would be the only logical way to really get back at him!

[stumppy]

There's only one loser in a married couples problems.

The third party.

[e_train69]

Been there, about 4 years ago. She finally admitted to it after I had a lot of evidence against her. I was an emotional wreck and I filed for divorce as soon as I found out. Started dating a girl 11 years younger than I was, drank heavily, never slept, and my job was suffering. I finally realized I couldn't continue the way I was going, and began getting my life back together. Stopped drinking, started working out, and eating right, and spending time with family and friends.

She would never sign the divorce papers, every time we agreed on a settlement she would change her mind, and the divorce lingered on and on. She came back begging that she had made a mistake and that she was a changed person. I agreed to give her a chance, against my better jugdment, and just see how things went. We are still married, and she regularly attends church, doesn't drink and is a wonderful mother, but I don't love her. I have tried and am still trying, but that spark is gone, and I don't know if we can ever get it back. I just don't feel the same way about her that I used to.

By the way, we had 2 children when she started cheating, a 6 month old boy and a 3 year old girl. They are the only reason I let her back in and gave her another chance. That's where I'm at right now.

[keg in kc]

There's only one loser in a married couples problems.

The third party.The loser in my book is the half of the married couple that's doing the cheating. The third party is immoral, but doesn't owe either of them anything.

[keg in kc]

Been there, about 4 years ago. She finally admitted to it after I had a lot of evidence against her. I was an emotional wreck and I filed for divorce as soon as I found out. Started dating a girl 11 years younger than I was, drank heavily, never slept, and my job was suffering. I finally realized I couldn't continue the way I was going, and began getting my life back together. Stopped drinking, started working out, and eating right, and spending time with family and friends.

She would never sign the divorce papers, every time we agreed on a settlement she would change her mind, and the divorce lingered on and on. She came back begging that she had made a mistake and that she was a changed person. I agreed to give her a chance, against my better jugdment, and just see how things went. We are still married, and she regularly attends church, doesn't drink and is a wonderful mother, but I don't love her. I have tried and am still trying, but that spark is gone, and I don't know if we can ever get it back. I just don't feel the same way about her that I used to.

By the way, we had 2 children when she started cheating, a 6 month old boy and a 3 year old girl. They are the only reason I let her back in and gave her another chance. That's where I'm at right now.Sorry to hear that, man. When the trust is gone, so's the love. It's a hard thing. I couldn't do what you're doing, but I (sincerely) wish you the best of luck.

[stumppy]

The loser in my book is the half of the married couple that's doing the cheating. The third party is immoral, but doesn't owe either of them anything.


I was talking more along the lines of "friends" trying to help out.

[Donger]

I was talking more along the lines of "friends" trying to help out.

What would you suggest we do? Hang up on her? Tell her we don't want to get involved?

[keg in kc]

I was talking more along the lines of "friends" trying to help out.Even so, I'd tend to lean towards to one breaking the marriage vow as being the real bad guy/girl.

And if you mean that in a sense other than I do, helping out is what friends are for.

[Mr. Plow]

But whenever any thought like that crosses my mind I just remind myself how I felt getting cheated on and, now that I have kids, the wreckage I would cause. That's usually a pretty good cool-down.

I avoid those situations. Physical attraction is one thing, emotional is another. It happened to me once and nearly wrecked my marriage. I vowed to never let it happen again and it won't. I've got my perfect wife and 3 wonderful kids with her and I don't want to **** that up.

[Brock]

By the way, we had 2 children when she started cheating, a 6 month old boy and a 3 year old girl. They are the only reason I let her back in and gave her another chance. That's where I'm at right now.

That's no way to live your life. Dump that bitch and find someone you can be happy with.

[J Diddy]

The loser in my book is the half of the married couple that's doing the cheating. The third party is immoral, but doesn't owe either of them anything.

fug that, you bring that crap in my house you owe me a lung

[stumppy]

What would you suggest we do? Hang up on her? Tell her we don't want to get involved?


Just saying, I've seen it happen way too many times. You try to help out and in the end the tables get turned and you turn out to be the 'asshole' so to speak.

Just my 2 cents.

[keg in kc]

Just saying, I've seen it happen way too many times. You try to help out and in the end the tables get turned and you turn out to be the 'asshole' so to speak. Ah, so we were talking across each other. I get you. I don't agree, in that I think you should help, even at the risk of that. Life ain't always easy.

[e_train69]

That's no way to live your life. Dump that bitch and find someone you can be happy with.

I have considered that a lot of times, but I did tell her I would give her another chance and she's making the most of it. I kinda feel it is my fault now, because I don't feel the same way about her anymore. We can get along fine, but there is very little emotion and love.

[J Diddy]

That's no way to live your life. Dump that bitch and find someone you can be happy with.

I have considered that a lot of times, but I did tell her I would give her another chance and she's making the most of it. I kinda feel it is my fault now, because I don't feel the same way about her anymore. We can get along fine, but there is very little emotion and love.

You tried marriage counseling?

[Phobia]

Just saying, I've seen it happen way too many times. You try to help out and in the end the tables get turned and you turn out to be the 'asshole' so to speak.

Just my 2 cents.

I know what you're saying. You have to be careful about what you say, especially if there's a chance of reconciliation. Because if you choose a side and they get back together the friendship is over.

But if it's definitely over, both people are gonna need to lean on their friends.

[e_train69]

"You tried marriage counseling?"

Yes, we've tried it. It did help us out on a few issues, but it didn't make me fall in love with her again.

[keg in kc]

I have considered that a lot of times, but I did tell her I would give her another chance and she's making the most of it. I kinda feel it is my fault now, because I don't feel the same way about her anymore. We can get along fine, but there is very little emotion and love.It's not your fault. From what you've said, she cheated on you, and while you tried to get past that, you can't. You can't blame yourself for that - what she did changed the landscape of the relationship, and changed how you see her and how you feel about her.

My advice, take it for what it's worth, is that you owe it to both yourself and to her to sit her down and tell her how you feel and why. Be honest. It's usually the best thing in the long run.

And damn, I have to get to work. Blech.

[Brock]

"You tried marriage counseling?"

Yes, we've tried it. It did help us out on a few issues, but it didn't make me fall in love with her again.

My last word on this subject: You are supposed to be happy. If you are not, then you are wasting your life with someone you're not supposed to be with. I know it's rough with kids and all, but I believe a parent is a much better parent when they are happy and not looking over their shoulder waiting for the next disaster to happen.

[J Diddy]

"You tried marriage counseling?"

Yes, we've tried it. It did help us out on a few issues, but it didn't make me fall in love with her again.

you know if you hit the quote button underneath the post you won't have to type the whole thing in again, right?

If you don't have love there, you're gonna wind up miserable in the long run

[J Diddy]

My last word on this subject: You are supposed to be happy. If you are not, then you are wasting your life with someone you're not supposed to be with. I know it's rough with kids and all, but I believe a parent is a much better parent when they are happy and not looking over their shoulder waiting for the next disaster to happen.


Agreed

[kepp]

"You tried marriage counseling?"

Yes, we've tried it. It did help us out on a few issues, but it didn't make me fall in love with her again.
That's certainly a tough situation...sorry to hear you're in it. I don't know what is worse for kids...divorced parents or loveless parents. Kids will build their expectations for their future marriages on their parents. I think keg in kc is right about sitting down with each other and being very honest about it.

[kepp]

I avoid those situations. Physical attraction is one thing, emotional is another. It happened to me once and nearly wrecked my marriage. I vowed to never let it happen again and it won't. I've got my perfect wife and 3 wonderful kids with her and I don't want to **** that up.
You're absolutely right about avoiding the situation. It hasn't happened to me but that would be my #1 tactic.

[bogie]

In my first marriage, we both cheated. If I found out my current wife cheated, I'd proobably give her a second chance. But that's it, no more chances.

[Saulbadguy]

Depends if it were with a man or a woman.

Man : :cuss:

Woman: :drool:

[Brock]

Depends if it were with a man or a woman.

Man : :cuss:

Woman: :drool:

Not if it was a lumberjack lesbian.

[Simplex3]

Now that we've covered the cheating angle, I'd like to ask a question that's not exactly on topic but related....have any of you men become attracted physically and emotionally to another woman while married, even to the point that it could be someone you could love and marry? If so how did you deal with it, to remain faithful?
No. I have a wife, story over. :shrug:

[DaneMcCloud]

Now that we've covered the cheating angle, I'd like to ask a question that's not exactly on topic but related....have any of you men become attracted physically and emotionally to another woman while married, even to the point that it could be someone you could love and marry? If so how did you deal with it, to remain faithful?

My wife and I have been together for 11 years (5.5 years of marriage). She's my best friend and fulfills every emotional and physical need (plus she's smokin' hot). I'd never cheat on her (that's not in my DNA) and she'd never cheat on me. We're just way too close and care about each other way too much do ever do that to each other.

That being said, I do my best to avoid any situations where I'm around a woman on my own. Too many weird things can happen and people (especially emotionally needy people) can easily misinterpret friendship and kindness with love or sexual tension. I don't make new friends with women and my wife doesn't have any "new" men friends (all of her guy friends are from high school & college and we all spend time together from time to time - great people).

I'm just not interested in screwing up or potentially screwing up my life. I've worked far too hard to be as happy as I am and I'm not going to let sex ruin it for me. Especially since I can have amazing sex anytime I want.

[Simplex3]

...and my wife doesn't have any "new" men friends (all of her guy friends are from high school & college and we all spend time together from time to time - great people).
You do realize that if a woman cheats it's most likely to be one of these guys, right?

:p

[J Diddy]

In my first marriage, we both cheated. If I found out my current wife cheated, I'd proobably give her a second chance. But that's it, no more chances.

hope she don't read this

you just gave her a cheat for free card

[jidar]

The older I get, the more I think the mars/venus thing is a myth. Men get emotionally involved, too, we've just been taught by society that it's weak, so most of us either run away when that happens, or act like a complete douchebag. When in fact, being a chickenshit who can't deal with how he feels is the definition of true weakness.

That's just my 2 cents, however. I know psychologists disagree.


Yeah whatever you big pussy. What you ment to say is you secretly want the cock.

[DaneMcCloud]

You do realize that if a woman cheats it's most likely to be one of these guys, right?

:p

They're all married with kids and don't live in L.A. If they were gonna hookup, it would have been long ago but it never happened.

[jidar]

Now that we've covered the cheating angle, I'd like to ask a question that's not exactly on topic but related....have any of you men become attracted physically and emotionally to another woman while married, even to the point that it could be someone you could love and marry? If so how did you deal with it, to remain faithful?


Never happened to me but it probably helps that I mostly just view women as objects.
All that Internet porn is good for something after all.

[Programmer]

I had a co-worker talk about my wife, purposely within my earshot.

I ignored what the asswipe said because he was after a total asswipe. If I ever suspected my wife of something like that I'd ask her face to face, but before that would happen I think the earth would stop spinning.

As to how I would feel would depend upon if I was doing the same thing.

Losing a wife would be a tough thing, but the threat of picking up a disease might be worse than having to get a divorce. Some of the current stuff causes dirt naps.

[bogie]

hope she don't read this

you just gave her a cheat for free card

yes, but only once.

[CoMoChief]

I don't mind at all. The first time I was in Japan finishing up my last tour in the USMC and came home for 10 days. I suspected already because there were unknown numbers showing up on the calling card bill and she was unavailable far too frequently when I called her mother's house. But it was her little sister (in high school) who confirmed it for me.

I guess that's fairly common in the military so I made a go of it anyway.

Then I sent her to nursing school when we moved to Texas and she developed a very close relationship with a much younger dude. I confirmed that one after a year or so when she went to San Antonio over the weekend for a supposed Nursing class. When I never saw a diploma or bill I went searching and discovered a couple rolls of pictures of their weekend together buried in her closet. It was of them arm in arm at all the tourist sites in 3 or 4 different outfits. Heh. She claimed that they had a couple of hours for sight-seeing after the class on Sunday afternoon. Plausible, I suppose if you went back to the hotel for a change of clothes every 45 minutes.

That was when I really got stupid. I figured buying her a new house full of new furniture would make things better. Heh. Fortunately she moved into the guest bedroom as soon as we moved in and got the boot a couple months later. I kept the house in the divorce but lost half the furniture. I paid on that stuff for a long time while it sat in her new pad.

She finally married the dude and they were divorced last year. She's a real prize.

Jeez. Sorry to hear that man, no one should have to go through anything like that.

[Phobia]

Jeez. Sorry to hear that man, no one should have to go through anything like that.

Heh heh. That's only the short version. The long version will make you want to hunt her down yourself.

[Crashride]

Heh heh. That's only the short version. The long version will make you want to hunt her down yourself.

Damn bro so why did you put up with that?

[Phobia]

Damn bro so why did you put up with that?

Because I thought you were supposed to get married once. Plus I'm pretty fond of my kids. Finally it was probably at least some of my fault because I didn't know how to keep a woman happy at that point in my life. I was hoping she could be fixed. Turns out I couldn't have been more wrong.

[Spott]

File for divorce immediately. One thing that is an absolute in relationships is once a cheat, always a cheat. You might as well just cut off your testicles if you don't have the balls to dump the cheatin' ho, if she was indeed a ho.

[bogie]

File for divorce immediately. One thing that is an absolute in relationships is once a cheat, always a cheat. You might as well just cut off your testicles if you don't have the balls to dump the cheatin' ho, if she was indeed a ho.

You should certainly document everything. People step out for different reasons though. How do you know that once a cheat always a cheat?

[convict1983]

I was in a long distance relationship for a little bit (she moved away for a semester to study abroad).

Well, her ex-roomate comes up to me and says that Jessica (my then girlfriend) found a new guy and they were getting serious. I was pissed and called her out on it but it was all a made up story. I didnt realize that her ex-roomate and her werent friends anymore and really hated eachother so she was just doing a shitty thing to **** with me and her trying to sabotage us.

[bogie]

I was in a long distance relationship for a little bit (she moved away for a semester to study abroad).

Well, her ex-roomate comes up to me and says that Jessica (my then girlfriend) found a new guy and they were getting serious. I was pissed and called her out on it but it was all a made up story. I didnt realize that her ex-roomate and her werent friends anymore and really hated eachother so she was just doing a shitty thing to **** with me and her trying to sabotage us.

Wow, that's huge. I hope you and Jessica worked it out.

[convict1983]

Wow, that's huge. I hope you and Jessica worked it out.

Yeah, we are doing good. We were off and on for a little but together now.

Needless to say I gave her ex-roomate a good tongue lashing on what a c u nt she was. :)

[BucEyedPea]

My wife and I have been together for 11 years (5.5 years of marriage). She's my best friend and fulfills every emotional and physical need (plus she's smokin' hot). I'd never cheat on her (that's not in my DNA) and she'd never cheat on me. We're just way too close and care about each other way too much do ever do that to each other.

That being said, I do my best to avoid any situations where I'm around a woman on my own. Too many weird things can happen and people (especially emotionally needy people) can easily misinterpret friendship and kindness with love or sexual tension. I don't make new friends with women and my wife doesn't have any "new" men friends (all of her guy friends are from high school & college and we all spend time together from time to time - great people).

I'm just not interested in screwing up or potentially screwing up my life. I've worked far too hard to be as happy as I am and I'm not going to let sex ruin it for me. Especially since I can have amazing sex anytime I want.
Interesting. I've have usually found that it's men that can't deal with being just friends with a woman. Not the other way around so much. I have two male friends both happily married and there's never been an issue with my being a friend with them or their wives. Obviously, they're all very secure with one another. Another, was not married but seeing a girl who wanted to marry him and she could deal not with us being friends. I had no interest in him at all that way either.

As for avoiding situations, what I was referring to was just normal situations when a rapport sets in and then suddenly you like the person more than you should. Then I get out the situation and it goes away.

[chagrin]

Well, if I can contain myself and get to a point where I want to remain married:

I think some nice cold rear action is in order, you know for disciplinary purposes, and I am serious

[Rain Man]

Because I thought you were supposed to get married once. Plus I'm pretty fond of my kids. Finally it was probably at least some of my fault because I didn't know how to keep a woman happy at that point in my life. I was hoping she could be fixed. Turns out I couldn't have been more wrong.

You have to do the swirl at the end, not the pinch.

[DaneMcCloud]

Interesting. I've have usually found that it's men that can't deal with being just friends with a woman. Not the other way around so much.

Maybe it's because we're both so hot! :) I'm sure everyone's been in the position of having a friend or co-worker who has "feelings" that weren't mutual. The most important thing is to not give out the wrong signals (touching, sexy clothes, etc.). I've had women that I've worked for and that have worked for me call me at home, want to hang out, etc. and I never get involved in that. As a matter of fact, I never hung out with "my people" ever. I've always felt that the "Boss" is the "Boss" and not one of the "gang".

I have two male friends both happily married and there's never been an issue with my being a friend with them or their wives. Obviously, they're all very secure with one another. Another, was not married but seeing a girl who wanted to marry him and she could deal not with us being friends. I had no interest in him at all that way either.

When I first met my wife 11 years ago, she told me about all of her male friends. At first I thought "Alright, this is not cool. I'm sure they just want to bone her all and that's why they're friends". Typical guy thinking. As it turned out, they were just all drinking buddies from college and were always in separate relationships. It was a new concept for me because most of the women I knew that had male friends were never "just friends".

Currently, we have several friends that are couples and one girl in particular, I spend a little time with now and then. She's a model and actress (she has a few things running right now, and I'm pretty sure most people know her from the commericals and such) and since we're both "creative types", we get along very, very well. But she's madly in love with her husband (who happens to be one of my best, if not the best friend I have in LA) and it's not weird at all. It's weird for him from time to time because every actor she works with falls in love with her, but not for me. She's more like the sister I never had.

As for avoiding situations, what I was referring to was just normal situations when a rapport sets in and then suddenly you like the person more than you should. Then I get out the situation and it goes away.

Well, I guess that's the emotional part where either I don't feel it or won't allow myself to feel it. I don't really like very many people to begin with so it's pretty rare when I do find people that I can hang out with. I like a few of my friends' wives but I don't like them. It's also probably because I'm so emotionally content that I don't even "go there".

[Al Bundy]

I caught my ex wife, It only bothered me for 3 months afterwards. I got the house, the car and the good furniture. She ended up with a guy who abused and she tried coming back around only to be rejected.

[RP_McMurphy]

Being a dirty old squid I would have dirty dicked the beatch. Woulda brought some gutter hootchie mama right up into her bed and did her. Gotta be ruthless sometimes.

[stlchiefs]

Not directly. My wife's best friend called her last night as we were putting our critters to bed and informed my wife that her asshole husband has been having numerous affairs for years. I always suspected, as did my wife, but apparently she found some evidence and confronted him.

It's really sad. She's a really sharp, beautiful gal.

She's going to need comforting. Now's the time to ask her to lay in bed with you and your wife. Make your move.

[Donger]

She's going to need comforting. Now's the time to ask her to lay in bed with you and your wife. Make your move.

Come on. Give it a rest. She's like a little sister to me.