|Zach|
05-04-2007, 09:28 PM
http://www.wired.com/culture/lifestyle/commentary/sexdrive/2007/04/sexdrive_0427
During a Playboy radio interview earlier this week, show host Tiffany Granath asked me, the producers and the listeners whether we would allow our children to be in a class with a teacher if we knew that teacher was into heavy BDSM, including cutting or "hanging by his skin."
I said sure I would. I said the teacher shouldn't discuss his sex life with students; a teacher is not a student's friend or peer. But having a sex life, whether it is 100 percent vanilla or kinkier than even I want to think about, is every adult's right.
Tiffany and her producers were more cautious. They said if they didn't share the teacher's proclivities and weren't in the same scene, the only way they would learn about his behavior is if he wasn't discreet enough. And in that case, the kids could find out. And that would apparently be bad.
It was interesting to hear what sexual activities a Playboy radio host might consider beyond the pale; I'm not sure cutting has become mainstream enough for everyone to know what it means, and all I can think of when I hear "hanging from the skin" is the Cheyenne Sun Dance.
But the conversation revealed the social importance of being sexually "normal." No parents would yank their kids out of a teacher's class because he liked oral sex. Even other forms of BDSM might be okay with Playboy's staff. But blood? Too extreme, too strange, too abnormal.
Given the explosion of sexual expression online, I'm not sure that Americans know what "normal" is anymore. Whatever it is, we want to be it. Especially when we post personal ads to attract sexual partners.
I was astonished at how many craiglist personals -- in flavors ranging from "casual encounters" to "erotic services" to "men seeking women" -- included reassurance from the author that he was normal, no matter what sexual desires he had just described.
Why? It doesn't mean anything. Even an ax murderer can type "I'm a normal guy." And why would you want to present yourself as ordinary and average instead of unique and extraordinary?
"Public perception is still that the internet is full of creeps, weirdos, psychos and perverts, much more so than the 'real' world," a friend explained to me. "'Normal' is an attempt to say I'm Not One Of Them."
I suppose it is important to distinguish yourself from psychos and perverts when you are asking someone to join you in your sexual desires in lieu of "Hi, my name's Lyle."
I just don't know that "I'm normal" is an effective way to do it. It is too close to an apology. You've just described your most personal longings and then you quickly about-face and reassure the reader that you're just like everyone else.
It's not something we worry about in other contexts, either. You don't see "I'm a database architect, but I'm normal" on professional networking sites like LinkedIn. Or "I'm selling this collection of pink porcelain pigs, but I'm normal" on eBay.
You don't even see it that much in social-networking communities. But it is almost mandatory in a sexual context, suggesting that our assumptions about internet users being weirdos are more about sex than the internet.
A random sweep through craigslist personals from two metropolitan areas (San Francisco and Atlanta) exposed a wide range of sexual interests, sometimes described in voluminous and impressive detail, and almost always accompanied by a declaration of normality:
• I'm looking for a woman that would be interested in having me over her lap or a chair and give me a good warming spanking, take it out on my butt…. I'm a totally safe, normal, athletic and handsome...
• Looking to chat/cam with another cool, normal, bored, hung and horny guy.
• I require no reciprocation and have no physical requirement. Just oral for you. I’m a pretty normal guy.…
• The majority of the women I've dated have been somewhat BBWs and they've always been more intelligent and enjoyable when around than any of the others. Now I find myself searching for another person to help satisfy my needs…. I assure you that I am a very normal kind of guy.…
• 25yo dominant, athletic white grad student here looking for a submissive girl 18-25 who's into being trained, tied up, ordered around, totally dominated while you're with me in private…. totally normal, intelligent, successful guy….
The overall impression is a large number of men who know what they want (yay!) but who worry that a potential partner will think their penchant for anal/oral/bi/domination/spanking/group/tortilla soup makes them creepy.
But anyone who thinks you're creepy because of your sexual tastes is not a potential partner. And those who share your sexual tastes are (probably) not going to assume you are creepy because of them.
On the other hand, the more we learn about other people's sexual interests, the more we realize just how much "normal" encompasses. Certainly the more often we associate "normal" with a comprehensive spectrum of sexual desires -- and the more we reconcile our societal assumptions about sex with our actual behavior -- the healthier our culture will be.
It's already happening. Think about what you considered sexually normal when you were growing up; what do you believe today?
As loudly as some people decry the normalizing of formerly unconventional sexual practices, millions more are exploring and expressing their desires in creative ways. And that critical mass of expression in turn helps foster acceptance in the larger culture. (Which can be a bummer if your greatest turn-on is to be outré -- but I’m sure you can still think of something that would startle the horses. Figuratively speaking.)
As sex therapist Dr. Marty Klein says, "The only way to escape Normality Anxiety is deciding that 'normal' is irrelevant."
Americans prize individualism, but we also face overwhelming social pressure to fit in. Expanding the cultural definition of "normal sex" allows us to do both.
See you next Friday,
Regina Lynn
During a Playboy radio interview earlier this week, show host Tiffany Granath asked me, the producers and the listeners whether we would allow our children to be in a class with a teacher if we knew that teacher was into heavy BDSM, including cutting or "hanging by his skin."
I said sure I would. I said the teacher shouldn't discuss his sex life with students; a teacher is not a student's friend or peer. But having a sex life, whether it is 100 percent vanilla or kinkier than even I want to think about, is every adult's right.
Tiffany and her producers were more cautious. They said if they didn't share the teacher's proclivities and weren't in the same scene, the only way they would learn about his behavior is if he wasn't discreet enough. And in that case, the kids could find out. And that would apparently be bad.
It was interesting to hear what sexual activities a Playboy radio host might consider beyond the pale; I'm not sure cutting has become mainstream enough for everyone to know what it means, and all I can think of when I hear "hanging from the skin" is the Cheyenne Sun Dance.
But the conversation revealed the social importance of being sexually "normal." No parents would yank their kids out of a teacher's class because he liked oral sex. Even other forms of BDSM might be okay with Playboy's staff. But blood? Too extreme, too strange, too abnormal.
Given the explosion of sexual expression online, I'm not sure that Americans know what "normal" is anymore. Whatever it is, we want to be it. Especially when we post personal ads to attract sexual partners.
I was astonished at how many craiglist personals -- in flavors ranging from "casual encounters" to "erotic services" to "men seeking women" -- included reassurance from the author that he was normal, no matter what sexual desires he had just described.
Why? It doesn't mean anything. Even an ax murderer can type "I'm a normal guy." And why would you want to present yourself as ordinary and average instead of unique and extraordinary?
"Public perception is still that the internet is full of creeps, weirdos, psychos and perverts, much more so than the 'real' world," a friend explained to me. "'Normal' is an attempt to say I'm Not One Of Them."
I suppose it is important to distinguish yourself from psychos and perverts when you are asking someone to join you in your sexual desires in lieu of "Hi, my name's Lyle."
I just don't know that "I'm normal" is an effective way to do it. It is too close to an apology. You've just described your most personal longings and then you quickly about-face and reassure the reader that you're just like everyone else.
It's not something we worry about in other contexts, either. You don't see "I'm a database architect, but I'm normal" on professional networking sites like LinkedIn. Or "I'm selling this collection of pink porcelain pigs, but I'm normal" on eBay.
You don't even see it that much in social-networking communities. But it is almost mandatory in a sexual context, suggesting that our assumptions about internet users being weirdos are more about sex than the internet.
A random sweep through craigslist personals from two metropolitan areas (San Francisco and Atlanta) exposed a wide range of sexual interests, sometimes described in voluminous and impressive detail, and almost always accompanied by a declaration of normality:
• I'm looking for a woman that would be interested in having me over her lap or a chair and give me a good warming spanking, take it out on my butt…. I'm a totally safe, normal, athletic and handsome...
• Looking to chat/cam with another cool, normal, bored, hung and horny guy.
• I require no reciprocation and have no physical requirement. Just oral for you. I’m a pretty normal guy.…
• The majority of the women I've dated have been somewhat BBWs and they've always been more intelligent and enjoyable when around than any of the others. Now I find myself searching for another person to help satisfy my needs…. I assure you that I am a very normal kind of guy.…
• 25yo dominant, athletic white grad student here looking for a submissive girl 18-25 who's into being trained, tied up, ordered around, totally dominated while you're with me in private…. totally normal, intelligent, successful guy….
The overall impression is a large number of men who know what they want (yay!) but who worry that a potential partner will think their penchant for anal/oral/bi/domination/spanking/group/tortilla soup makes them creepy.
But anyone who thinks you're creepy because of your sexual tastes is not a potential partner. And those who share your sexual tastes are (probably) not going to assume you are creepy because of them.
On the other hand, the more we learn about other people's sexual interests, the more we realize just how much "normal" encompasses. Certainly the more often we associate "normal" with a comprehensive spectrum of sexual desires -- and the more we reconcile our societal assumptions about sex with our actual behavior -- the healthier our culture will be.
It's already happening. Think about what you considered sexually normal when you were growing up; what do you believe today?
As loudly as some people decry the normalizing of formerly unconventional sexual practices, millions more are exploring and expressing their desires in creative ways. And that critical mass of expression in turn helps foster acceptance in the larger culture. (Which can be a bummer if your greatest turn-on is to be outré -- but I’m sure you can still think of something that would startle the horses. Figuratively speaking.)
As sex therapist Dr. Marty Klein says, "The only way to escape Normality Anxiety is deciding that 'normal' is irrelevant."
Americans prize individualism, but we also face overwhelming social pressure to fit in. Expanding the cultural definition of "normal sex" allows us to do both.
See you next Friday,
Regina Lynn