The Mitch Hedburg Quote Generator

[Silock]

RIP one of the greatest comedians of our time.

Sorry if repost.

http://hedburgh.com/quoter.php

[FD]

"I was at a casino, I was minding my own business, this guy came up, he said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

Good stuff

[Demonpenz]

it's 10x more funny when he delivers them

[Phobia]

it's 10x more funny when he delivers them

All except for that funky smell.

[TrickyNicky]

"I have a cheese shredder at home, that's a positive name for a cheese shredder. They don't call it by its negative name, cause no one would buy it: sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge... that would melt easily over tortilla chips."

This cracked me up for some reason. More than it should have, I mean.

[Arrowhead Pride]

Thanks for the link. Too bad he's gone...

[C-Mac]

"I had my palm read. I wrote something on it first, just to see if she would read that, too."

[Baby Lee]

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're gonna to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

[Silock]

I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said, "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said, "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question."

[Crashride]

"My friend is a tight rope walker, one time we were walking and he tripped on the curb...it was totally unacceptable." He was always my favorite.

[Silock]

I like an escalator... an escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see a "Escalator Temporarily Out of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the Convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there."

I order the club sandwich all the time and I’m not a member, man, I don’t know how I get away with it. “I like my sandwiches with 3 pieces of bread.” “So do I." "well let’s form a club then.” “OK, but we need some more stipulations.” “Yes we do, instead of cutting the sandwich once, let’s cut again.” “Yes, 4 triangles, and we will position them into a circle, and in the middle, we will dump chips... or potato salad.” “OK." "Let me ask you a question: How you feel 'bout frilly toothpicks?” “I’m for 'em!” “Well, this club is formed... spread the word on menus nationwide." "I like my sandwiches with alfalfa spouts." "Well, then you're not in the ****in' club."

You know they call corn-on-the-cob "corn-on-the-cob" right? But that's how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that "corn." They should call every other version "corn-off-the-cob." It's not like if you cut off my arm you would call my arm "Mitch." But then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together."

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? zzippp... "**** you."

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here. Gotta go.

[The Franchise]

I play golf. I'm not good at golf. I never got a hole-in-one. But I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "Fore." But I was too busy mumbling "There ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

[Easy 6]

I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because then I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up really quick? zzippp... "**** you."



This has gotta be my favorite so far.

[Ultra Peanut]

God damn, I miss him.

[DeepPurple]

You can watch the videos to many of Mitch's TV appearances on this website Smith Happens (http://www.smithappens.com/video_mitchhedberg.php)

I haven't looked at this page in a few months but I seem to remember the David Letterman shows were the best.

[Thig Lyfe]

Easily one of the most original stand-ups ever. The day he died was a dark day in my life.

[jiveturkey]

What killed him?

[Arrowhead Pride]

The almighty <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg">Wiki</A> entry on him says:

Hedberg was known to be a drug user, even referring to it in some of his jokes. Hedberg was arrested in May 2003 in Austin, Texas for possession of heroin. Hedberg was also born with a heart defect for which he received extensive treatment as a child. Though this condition initially had been cited as a possible cause of death, in May 2005 the New Jersey medical examiner's office reported "multiple drug toxicity," including cocaine and heroin, as the official cause of death.[3] Results of the autopsy and toxicology reports were first reported by journalist Peter Hyman in the January 2006 edition of Spin magazine.

[Baby Lee]

This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one ****ing complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is gonna be a bitch. The mailman will get shot to death. The envelope will not seal. And the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck ****er. The last payment must be made in wampum.

[wilas101]

"Every book is a children's book if the kid can read."

lol