Well hell -I'll do it again then [Archive]

Mr. Laz

09-12-2007, 05:50 PM

I actually heard this from one of those studio geniuses over the weekend. "Can you believe how lopsided the league is this year, what a great disparity there is between the best and the worst?" Now I've heard it all. Full circle. Ever since the leagues merged in 1970, the same talk show literati have been complaining about parity. Now they're complaining about disparity. Fellas, I've said this since the beginning of time ... it all averages out, everything, life itself averages out, or, as wise Khayam said, "the caravan starts for the dawn of nothing, oh make haste ... "

Speaking of nothing, look what's coming, our first true bone of contention of the season, and I promise you, no more fooling around. This will be deadly serious:

NFL Power Rankings
Rank LW Team
1 -- Indianapolis Colts
Indianapolis Colts (1-0)
Other people favor the Patriots. I always go with the defending champ, until shown otherwise. The Titans' impressive running game will be a good road test Sunday. Either that or it won't.

2 -- New England Patriots
New England Patriots (1-0)
So now they're saying that a New England paparozzo took some adult films of the Jet coaches giving their signals, after Green Bay complained about the same infracture last year. Oh boy, does this take us way back. The late Bucko Kilroy, the Patriots' personnel director for many years, once was involved in a hilarious but spicy incident involving accusations by Rams' coach George Allen that Bucko, then a Dallas scout, had climbed a tree to spy on his practices. Are these things passed on through the generations, or what?

3 -- San Diego Chargers
San Diego Chargers (1-0)
I award them this position only because I picked them to represent the AFC in Supe XLII. I didn't like what Philip Rivers showed against the Bears' eight-in-the box, attacking defense. I didn't like the fact that LaDainian Tomlinson got stuffed, and it took them so long to change gears and smack Chicago with their big hammer, Michael Turner. The severest pressure of all will be on them in Foxboro this weekend, Power Ranking Pressure. Depending on what happens you could see them anywhere from No. 1 to, oh, No. 8 or so.

4 -- Tennessee Titans
Tennessee Titans (1-0)
Fasten your seat belt, Paul Forrester, this week's Mailbag will be filled with howls of derision for my award of the cleanup spot to the humble Titans. Here's why -- 282 yards rushing, mostly tackle to tackle, against the supposedly impregnable wall of the Jaguars ... and with Chris Brown, who could have been anyone's free-agency pickup, gaining 175 of them ... behind a line no one ever heard of. I mean what can you tell me about guys like Roos and Bell and Stewart? Well, I'll tell you about them pretty soon because I've got the game on tape. Goody!

5 -- Carolina Panthers
Carolina Panthers (1-0)
Steve Smith says that Rams cornerback Tye Hill told people he had shut him down last year when, in reality, he caught a 62-yard TD pass on him. "I've been marinating on it for a whole year," he said, after he burned Hill for a 68-yarder Sunday. So THAT'S what I smelled from their locker room.

6 -- Denver Broncos
Denver Broncos (1-0)
This is what happens when you lose the special teams battle, as they did against Buffalo: You keep getting a long field to work with. Consequently your yardage totals become enormous, viz. the 470 on Sunday.

7 -- Dallas Cowboys
Dallas Cowboys (1-0)
Mock my words, this is the injury that's really gonna hurt them. Nose tackle Jason Ferguson, lost with a torn bicep. Despite their size, those guys are very hard to find.

8 -- Pittsburgh Steelers
Pittsburgh Steelers (1-0)
Ding! Super stat! Mike Tomlin accomplished something the last seven Pittsburgh head coaches failed to do, beat the Browns the first time he played them in Cleveland. The last one to do it was John Michelosen in 1950. I remember that team well. The only NFL club still using the old single wing, and who was the run-pass tailback? Joe Geri, of course.

9 -- Cincinnati Bengals
Cincinnati Bengals (1-0)
What's with Carson Palmer and all those misfires? They beat the Ravens courtesy of that terrible offensive interference call on Todd Heap, plus an amazingly athletic play by DE Robert Geathers, racing way downfield to intercept Steve McNair's late pass, scrambling to his feet and returning it 30 yards.

10 -- Chicago Bears
Chicago Bears (0-1)
San Diego LB Matt Wilhelm on the instructions his position coach Ron Rivera gave about trash talking to Rex Grossman: "He told us that Rex was kind of a mental midget so you can get into his head and create that doubt." Careful, there's not much room.

11 -- Green Bay Packers
Green Bay Packers (1-0)
A touching ceremony is planned for Sunday's game in Giants Stadium. It will commemorate the last Green Bay trip there, when Brett Favre gracefully kissed the canvas, thereby awarding Michael Strahan his record of 22 1/2 sacks. A choir will be on hand and Strahan will present Favre a gift of vegetables from his very own garden. Radishes, I believe.

12 -- Baltimore Ravens
Baltimore Ravens (0-1)
Even when they were down, 9-0, I felt the Ravens were going to beat my selection, the Bengals. Advice to bettors -- lay the points in the rematch in Baltimore. That one will be vicious.

13 -- Seattle Seahawks
Seattle Seahawks (1-0)
Matt Hasselbeck and Mack Strong presented a Seahawks jersey to George W. Bush in a preseason fundraiser in Bellevue. The Northwest fans, who lean to the left, were not at all happy. My reaction? Gave me a reason to root against the Hawks -- but for their fans.

14 -- Washington Redskins
Washington Redskins (1-0)
The winning field goal in overtime was kicked by ... Linda, I want you to say this five times fast ... Shaun Suisham. You what? You refuse? It is not nonsense. C'mon, give it a try. I promise I won't laugh. Shawn what? Schwimmner? Hee hee, that's a good one. No, I'm not laughing, honest, I swear it.

15 -- Philadelphia Eagles
Philadelphia Eagles (0-1)
Of the two guys whose fumbled punts cost them the Packers game, one had never returned one before and the other wasn't in camp during the preseason. No, I'm not going to mention their names, poor devils. I call this a coaching screw-up.

16 -- San Francisco 49ers
San Francisco 49ers (1-0)
I'm taking a survey, trying to find one person, other than me, who watched the Cardinals game to the very end. "I did," said Rich Dalrymple, the Cowboys' PR director. Sorry, you don't qualify. Has to be Eastern time zone, which means until 1:30 a.m. "You didn't say that," he says. Well, I said it now. Hey, don't bother me. I'm busy.

17 -- New Orleans Saints
New Orleans Saints (0-1)
Sean Payton, I know you're a good offensive coach ... I mean I picked you to win the Super Bowl. But that choke-it-off offense you ran against the mighty Colt defense was strictly a give up. You're gonna have to do better, and don't you dare walk away while I'm talking to you.

18 -- Minnesota Vikings
Minnesota Vikings (1-0)
Adrian Peterson's 103 yards rushing was a club record for a rookie in his first game. Broke D.J.Dozier's modest 57 yards in 1987. "The dream started when he was seven years old," said Nelson Peterson. I can just hear little Adrian now. "You know, I just dreamt that I broke D.J. Dozier's Minnesota Viking record of a modest 57 yards rushing for a rookie in his first game. What do you think of that?"

19 -- Houston Texans
Houston Texans (1-0)
Mario Williams, last year's top draft on the board, had two sacks and a TD on a fumble return against the Chiefs. Afterward they asked him about the pressure he felt, after last season. "Not as much pressure as a writer feels when he's on an early deadline," he said. 'He didn't say that ... there's no way he could have said that..did he really say that?" says the Flaming Redhead, now fully recovered from her Shawn Suisham episode. No, honey, he didn't. I'm just playing fast and loose with the facts, as usual.

20 -- New York Giants
New York Giants (0-1)
ESPN broke the scare story about Eli's separated shoulder. Then it was amended by the club to just a sprain. Whew, 13 million fans in the Met area breathed a sigh of relief. Which just goes to show how Eli's status has rocketed after one superior effort. Now what do we do about that defense, when the other people decide to throw the ball?

21 -- Buffalo Bills
Buffalo Bills (0-1)
You could say it's really a hard luck way for a club to start a season, but that would be showing disrespect for poor Kevin Everett, who suffered that terrible injury, and his family. My wife wanted to know what kind of pension and disability arrangements the league makes for a situation like this. Hell of a question. I want to find out myself.

22 -- Detroit Lions
Detroit Lions (1-0)
It's not easy to get yourself psyched up for the Raiders, but Roy Williams, the team's No. 1 draft choice in '04, found a way. He was furious that Oakland didn't make him their top choice that year, which would have been the second overall on the board. And he even worked on Calvin Johnson, the Lions' No. 1 this year, because Oakland passed him by for No. 1 in the entire draft. Week by week he'll be working his way down the roster until, at the end of December, when they face Green Bay, he'll have all the free agents up in arms because the Packers stiffed them.

23 -- St. Louis Rams
St. Louis Rams (0-1)
A recharged offensive line lost its best player. A supposedly improved run defense gave up 186 yards to the Panthers. They've beaten the 49ers seven of their last eight at home, but Vegas has made them only a teeny weeny 3-point favorite on Sunday. Let's see, who did I pick in that one? Oh oh, the Rams. Should have gone the other way.

24 -- Arizona Cardinals
Arizona Cardinals (0-1)
Good news and bad news. The good news is that, with Russ Grimm coaching the linemen, they actually looked capable of getting a running game going against the Niners. The bad news is that Matt Leinart couldn't throw the ball in the ocean.

25 -- Miami Dolphins
Miami Dolphins (0-1)
Yeah, I know, they gave the Skins a tussle in Washington and took them down to the wire, but I still ask this question: How do you let a player like Wes Welker go when you could have signed him for peanuts?

26 -- New York Jets
New York Jets (0-1)
This might be too harsh if that spy stuff really gave the Patriots a complete read on their defenses. You think the Belichick-Mangini feud was hot last year? Wait. The best is yet to come.

27 -- Jacksonville Jaguars
Jacksonville Jaguars (0-1)
My scouts tell me the Jaguars were powerless to stop Chris Brown and LenDale White running the stretch play. The two guys measured 6-9 and 6-10 at the end of the game.

28 -- Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1)
Now we're in dungeon territory. How long is Garcia out for? Concussions are fearful things to mess with. How about Cadillac Williams? They hung in against Seattle, until a punt return broke it open, but is that the best to hope for now?

29 -- Kansas City Chiefs
Kansas City Chiefs (0-1)
Four turnovers, 219 total yards, never really in it against a Texans team that's not exactly awe-inspiring, an offensive line that's just a memory of it what once was. For an old Ed Budde - Jim Tyrer fan such as myself, this is just too depressing.

30 -- Oakland Raiders
Oakland Raiders (0-1)
Wait a minute, this news flash just came in. Talks are scheduled with JaMarcus Russell's agent. Or maybe by now they're completed. Or the papers are signed. Stay tuned for the latest.

31 -- Atlanta Falcons
Atlanta Falcons (0-1)
A struggle between them and the Browns for this spot. I'd advise both clubs to make themselves comfortable here, because this will be home for a while.

32 -- Cleveland Browns
Cleveland Browns (0-1)
After a week of non-stop talk show trashathons, I am fully saturated with the pros and cons of introducing Brady Quinn to live action next week, next month, not until he's ready, perhaps almost ready -- stop already! There's nothing new to add. I mean really ... lighten up, guys.