Have you ever read the rants and raves on craigslist?

[Mr. Flopnuts]

There are some weirdos. Some of it is fairly entertaining. If you have read some, what is some the stranger stuff you've seen? Here's some creativity in the Seattle rants and raves section.


"My name is The Very Esteemed Reverend Doctor Joseph David Wiles, D.M., R.D, Minister of Rock n' Roll. I have the credentials to prove it. My point in emailing you is that I'm stuck here.

I'll do my best to make a long story short, but I'm from the year 2025. A month ago, I bought an old 2007 Dodge Caliber in great (almost new) shape. My plan was to retrofit the old engine with some modern luxuries. A mach inducer, some flight options, and a cool flashlight that pops out of the rear dome light.

One of the features I installed (regretfully) was a Time Google Warner Microsoft Comcast brand invisibility shudder. ****ing piece of shit. I knew I should've gone with the Apple one. Anyhow, the thing worked fine until another car with the same device came within proximity of me 5000 feet in the sky. Next thing you know, the mach inducer shorts out against one of the inviz shudder ground wires and off I go like a screamin' jizzcat into the spacetime zone that they've been experimenting with over at the old Starbucks Nuclear Defense plant. I woke up here.

I guess I should be lucky that it didn't send me too far back. I'm sure it had something to do with the '07 car I was in.

So, my point in emailing you is that I'm in desperate need of an RBSD. Your tonepulse generator contains other parts that I could combine with my future technology to send me back home. I've been here two weeks and I'm already bored.

I've punched the kid that used to tease me in elementary school, I got myself laid, told myself the next 15 years of Superbowl outcomes, and made sure that I apologized to the girl that I teased and convinced to jump off a bridge. She didn't die back then, but I always felt bad for her jumping because of me. She survived well, but always had this kooky "off" eye that never looked in the right direction.

So... I'm tired of being here and I miss my hybrid girlfriend. You have no idea how awesome it is to come home everyday to manufactured feminine perfection. Oh-she's a real girl, but had an emotional dampener chip installed when she had the third breast put in. Two for one deal at the Radio Shack.

I need your device. It'll get me home. I hope you still have it. If not, no big deal. I'll just bet on some sports games and bide my time until the Iranians put their time travelling device on the open market in a few years. Let me know, though.

~Joe"

[Direckshun]

NYC SUBWAY RANT: JESUS CHRIST!

OK, I have been riding the subway every day for a lot of years. When you start riding, it doesn't take a much time to see all sorts of characters. At first, these people sightings might be somewhat shocking or even funny, but you begin to grow used to the pants less, toothless, yelling, drunk, cracked out, stinky, sweaty, and perverted characters that ride the subway. They really don't bother you much; in fact I welcome a little cameo from these guys once in a while. After all, it is part of our city culture.

That said I have compiled a list – a spilling of my mental Rolodex of the people I share the subway with on a daily basis. These are the monsters I can't get used to and won't accept. They annoy the ever-loving piss out of me. Thing is, I never see these hooligans all at once, but I do see one at least once a day.

- Lady that fans herself with a piece of paper in the train car with broken a/c: Look lady, the air is hot. Not just your air but everyone's air. We are all breathing in each other's nasty hot breath and germs and here you go creating a gust of hot wind. This does not cool you down and it is especially ****ing annoying when the car happens to be stuck that day, all is silent and we are forced to listen to the flip flopping of your paper up and down as you breath in and out deeply. So ****ing ridiculous.

- Chinese guy with yellow nails and a bag of chicken feet: Dude, I'm not even kidding, you are nasty as hell. No one likes a set of long man-nails near them EVER and here you are wrapping those daggers around the center subway pole nearly slicing innocent bystanders as the plastic bag of chicken feet sways near your legs. Oh yes, and what are you going to do with those chicken feet anyway? Take advantage of us poor unknowing customers by grinding them up to use as filler in the next batch of HAPPY FAMILY from the local Jade Garden? I mean Jesus.

- Asshole with the sunglasses on: OK, there is no sunshine on the subway. This is not the L train pal. You sit there with your black as night shades on clearly staring at people for as long as you please. That's just wrong. Your probably staring at the lady's tits who is standing above you or even undressing some poor middle schooler with your eyes. Not only are you taking ample amounts of time to fanaticize about unsuspecting riders, but you look like an idiot doing it. This is especially worse when you also chew gum with an open mouth like a friggin' cow. You are drawing attention to yourself now and I can tell by the direction of your neck muscles that you were staring at me! Lady on the 8:30 F train Monday morning - you know who you are!

- Jerk that leans over you to look at the subway map: OK, your ball sac is 2 inches from my face. You don't care do you? Even though you've traumatized me and I lean back in my seat to shy far far away from your jewels, you lean in closer to get a better look at where to transfer from the E to the D train! Yuk man, have some manners. This is worse when you are sleeping with your head in your hands and wake to find a pants slacks covered man bulge in your grill.

- Ghostfarter: OK, I know it may be hard to hold it, but if you had diarrhea this morning of course your farts are going to reek! I mean the train is crowded with little ventilation yet you subject us to the rotten remnants of your ass-meal. This is inconsiderate and nasty! Hey if one clipped out, OK - it's happened to the best of us but you try to move around a bit and circulate. Don’t just stand there and poof out stinker after stinker while you read your paper! I'm talking about the well-dressed guy in the suit or the one hot chic on the train, it was probably you!

- Asshole with the book bag: If your bag more than 3 inches off of your back for god's sakes put it in front of you toward the floor! This is common knowledge!! I can't tell you how many times some retard with a book bag extending 3 feet tall off his back has decided to turn around and talk to his friend or bend down to tie his shoe and clock me one without knowing the difference. Yeah, that was me who bumped you on purpose. I hate you!

- Lady that hugs the pole on a crowded train: Are you ****ing blind!?? There are other people riding the train with you jerk but yet you proceed to make sweet love to the silver pole. Can we maybe hold on for a second TOO so we don't break and ankle??!!! Then, when we ask you to move you PRETEND you don't speak English. Real nice. Why don't you walk to work with a broomstick and hug that you shitbag.

- Nail Clipping Fool: This means you regular business guy with no regard or oblivious Asian lady. Jesus Christ, does anyone have manners?? DO NOT CLIP YOUR NAILS ON THE SUBWAY! I should be making signs for god's sakes! Not only are we subjected to the resonating sound of your clipping but your nail shrapnel is flying every which way and hitting men, women and children. This is by far the most disgusting thing ever. I'd like to take a free shot at your gut while fellow train riders hold you up.

[Fish]

Just the other day I found my dream girl on craigslist....

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/335213414.html

[chasedude]

Just the other day I found my dream girl on craigslist....

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/335213414.html

Wow Fish! You're into the High Maintenance ones!

[Otter]

- Nail Clipping Fool: This means you regular business guy with no regard or oblivious Asian lady. Jesus Christ, does anyone have manners?? DO NOT CLIP YOUR NAILS ON THE SUBWAY! I should be making signs for god's sakes! Not only are we subjected to the resonating sound of your clipping but your nail shrapnel is flying every which way and hitting men, women and children. This is by far the most disgusting thing ever. I'd like to take a free shot at your gut while fellow train riders hold you up.


ROFL

Donger

[bkkcoh]

I just wonder how normal some of these people appear to be in every day life. I could see this thread having a lot of replies before it goes dead with some of the best 'rants' from the local craigslist web site.... :toast:

On the columbus one, there are definitely some wierd and sickos, if you need a laugh take a look in the kinks forum.......

[beach tribe]

dorks

[pikesome]

Just the other day I found my dream girl on craigslist....

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/335213414.html

I really don't know if I should laugh or cry. Let's hope it's a made up joke post.

[Fish]

Ok Dog, we need to talk.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/343768259.html

[beach tribe]

some people really have no one to talk to.

[Mr. Flopnuts]

Ok Dog, we need to talk.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ric/343768259.html



LMAO I could relate to this one.

[StcChief]

LMAO I could relate to this one. ROFL
that could be me too....

Dear Dog: just take a shit already
Date: 2007-06-03, 1:18AM EDT


Ok Dog, we need to talk.

Every time I take you out for a sh1t, the exact same series of events happen:
I get the blue leash and clip it to you
we go outside
I say "go potty"
you take a sh1t

Every walk ever starts with the blue leash and a sh1t. You do not know what the outdoors is like without taking a shit.

So why is this such a hard concept to understand right now?

You slept all evening (snoring, I might add) and at 11pm I noticed your eyes were at least open, so I decided it would be good to take you out for a dump. This, I assumed, would be one of those groggy potty breaks where you hobble down the stairs, squat, poop, hobble back up, and blearily settle back into your pillow to resume dreaming about the days when you still had balls.

Instead, you decided it was time for Fun Backyard Exploration. You had to smell every single clover before deciding to eat all of them. I kept hoping you were sniffing for a place to poop, but it was always just catching up on the latest "who walked by here" for every verticle surface available. Don't eat that. Put that down. Quit kicking dirt on me. Go potty. Go potty. I'm not holding this plastic bag and saying "go potty" for my own health, you know.

But nothing. So we go for a walk around the block, and you spend another 10 minutes wandering about the front yard. Seriously, you're picking a place to sh1t not snuffling for truffles. More pacing, more sniffing, but no squatting, so we go back to the backyard.

Another 5 minutes goes by and it becomes apparent that shitting is not on the agenda this evening, just smelling. Fine, we go inside, you go back to your crate, and I go to bed.

Just as I'm crawling in, I hear a squeak. Is it my roomate coming home? sqeak squeak, no, it's the 1am "but I really do have to poop" squeak. Fine, out we go again.

Once again you spend 5 minutes interrogating every bug (no, they don't want to be your friend. You always kill them) you make it clear that oh no, you don't want to poop, you want to play! look dog, it is one in the morning. Those times earlier today when I was waving a rope wildly while saying "get it! get it!" while you looked at me like I was retarded and sat around doing nothing? THOSE were times to play. But no, you spent the afternoon trying to take up ALL of my couch (I'm 3 times your size, why do you get 3/4ths of the couch?) and so NOW you want to play.

Unfortunately for you, I'm going to bed. Here's a stuffed animal that used to squeak (before you killed it), goodnight.

I'll see you at 6:30am.

[Spott]

Just the other day I found my dream girl on craigslist....

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/nyc/335213414.html


I have some sexual preferences that some people may not be able to handle. I want sex several times a day and I like to be hit, choked, and called nasty names. Please be comfortable with such abuse.

I dated a girl like this once for a little while. She wanted me do crazy shit like hit her in the face hard enough to "almost" break her jaw and hold a knife to her while we were in bed. Needless to say I never complied with her wishes and went running for the hills pretty quick.

[eazyb81]

NYC SUBWAY RANT: JESUS CHRIST!

OK, I have been riding the subway every day for a lot of years. When you start riding, it doesn't take a much time to see all sorts of characters. At first, these people sightings might be somewhat shocking or even funny, but you begin to grow used to the pants less, toothless, yelling, drunk, cracked out, stinky, sweaty, and perverted characters that ride the subway. They really don't bother you much; in fact I welcome a little cameo from these guys once in a while. After all, it is part of our city culture.

That said I have compiled a list – a spilling of my mental Rolodex of the people I share the subway with on a daily basis. These are the monsters I can't get used to and won't accept. They annoy the ever-loving piss out of me. Thing is, I never see these hooligans all at once, but I do see one at least once a day.

- Lady that fans herself with a piece of paper in the train car with broken a/c: Look lady, the air is hot. Not just your air but everyone's air. We are all breathing in each other's nasty hot breath and germs and here you go creating a gust of hot wind. This does not cool you down and it is especially ****ing annoying when the car happens to be stuck that day, all is silent and we are forced to listen to the flip flopping of your paper up and down as you breath in and out deeply. So ****ing ridiculous.

- Chinese guy with yellow nails and a bag of chicken feet: Dude, I'm not even kidding, you are nasty as hell. No one likes a set of long man-nails near them EVER and here you are wrapping those daggers around the center subway pole nearly slicing innocent bystanders as the plastic bag of chicken feet sways near your legs. Oh yes, and what are you going to do with those chicken feet anyway? Take advantage of us poor unknowing customers by grinding them up to use as filler in the next batch of HAPPY FAMILY from the local Jade Garden? I mean Jesus.

- Asshole with the sunglasses on: OK, there is no sunshine on the subway. This is not the L train pal. You sit there with your black as night shades on clearly staring at people for as long as you please. That's just wrong. Your probably staring at the lady's tits who is standing above you or even undressing some poor middle schooler with your eyes. Not only are you taking ample amounts of time to fanaticize about unsuspecting riders, but you look like an idiot doing it. This is especially worse when you also chew gum with an open mouth like a friggin' cow. You are drawing attention to yourself now and I can tell by the direction of your neck muscles that you were staring at me! Lady on the 8:30 F train Monday morning - you know who you are!

- Jerk that leans over you to look at the subway map: OK, your ball sac is 2 inches from my face. You don't care do you? Even though you've traumatized me and I lean back in my seat to shy far far away from your jewels, you lean in closer to get a better look at where to transfer from the E to the D train! Yuk man, have some manners. This is worse when you are sleeping with your head in your hands and wake to find a pants slacks covered man bulge in your grill.

- Ghostfarter: OK, I know it may be hard to hold it, but if you had diarrhea this morning of course your farts are going to reek! I mean the train is crowded with little ventilation yet you subject us to the rotten remnants of your ass-meal. This is inconsiderate and nasty! Hey if one clipped out, OK - it's happened to the best of us but you try to move around a bit and circulate. Don’t just stand there and poof out stinker after stinker while you read your paper! I'm talking about the well-dressed guy in the suit or the one hot chic on the train, it was probably you!

- Asshole with the book bag: If your bag more than 3 inches off of your back for god's sakes put it in front of you toward the floor! This is common knowledge!! I can't tell you how many times some retard with a book bag extending 3 feet tall off his back has decided to turn around and talk to his friend or bend down to tie his shoe and clock me one without knowing the difference. Yeah, that was me who bumped you on purpose. I hate you!

- Lady that hugs the pole on a crowded train: Are you ****ing blind!?? There are other people riding the train with you jerk but yet you proceed to make sweet love to the silver pole. Can we maybe hold on for a second TOO so we don't break and ankle??!!! Then, when we ask you to move you PRETEND you don't speak English. Real nice. Why don't you walk to work with a broomstick and hug that you shitbag.

- Nail Clipping Fool: This means you regular business guy with no regard or oblivious Asian lady. Jesus Christ, does anyone have manners?? DO NOT CLIP YOUR NAILS ON THE SUBWAY! I should be making signs for god's sakes! Not only are we subjected to the resonating sound of your clipping but your nail shrapnel is flying every which way and hitting men, women and children. This is by far the most disgusting thing ever. I'd like to take a free shot at your gut while fellow train riders hold you up.

ROFL

Extra hilarious since I just got back from Manhattan and saw every one of these fuggers. NYC subways are just weird.