How Often Do You Masturbate? [Archive]

JohninGpt

11-03-2007, 06:35 PM

..."that's pretty subjective." She replied, "Okay, okay. Probably once a month."...
Discussing monkey spanking with a female nieghbor? Sounds like someone is less than satisfied with the daily grind and wants an extra-marital doink.

BTW, I've always been faithful to my wife, and I've been deployed for at least six months at a whack six times since we've been married. I may need elbow replacement surgery.

Sure-Oz

11-03-2007, 06:36 PM

Having a girlfriend = not masturbating?
sex or masterbation hmmm....

Donger

11-03-2007, 06:37 PM

Discussing monkey spanking with a female nieghbor? Sounds like someone is less than satisfied with the daily grind and wants an extra-marital doink.

Not at all. She brought it up, in a playful way. I just closed it.

Hammock Parties

11-03-2007, 06:37 PM

Isn't that kind of hitting on a woman? I bet she was taken aback.

Donger

11-03-2007, 06:37 PM

sex or masterbation hmmm....

Well, they aren't always around.

blueballs

11-03-2007, 06:37 PM

define masturbation
If I thrust and hump two pillows
is that masturbation

beach tribe

11-03-2007, 06:38 PM

Discussing monkey spanking with a female nieghbor? Sounds like someone is less than satisfied with the daily grind and wants an extra-marital doink.
Donger=swinger tear it up Donger hehe

Hammock Parties

11-03-2007, 06:38 PM

As for myself, less than you might imagine.

ChiefsCountry

11-03-2007, 06:38 PM

define masturbation
If I thrust and hump two pillows
is that masturbation

ROFL

Rain Man

11-03-2007, 06:38 PM

How often do your neighbors seek restraining orders with a radius that means you can't use half of your living room?

Donger

11-03-2007, 06:38 PM

Isn't that kind of hitting on a woman? I bet she was taken aback.

No. It's a simple question. And, we've vacationed with this couple.

Donger

11-03-2007, 06:39 PM

define masturbation
If I thrust and hump two pillows
is that masturbation

Yes, it is.

JohninGpt

11-03-2007, 06:39 PM

Not at all. She brought it up, in a playful way. I just closed it.
She is the someone I had in mind.
Damn, that sounds...well, about right in a masturbation thread.

blueballs

11-03-2007, 06:39 PM

Yes, it is.

shit
too often

Donger

11-03-2007, 06:40 PM

As for myself, less than you might imagine.

Not me. Your hatred of your sex organs is demonstrable.

siberian khatru

11-03-2007, 06:41 PM

As for myself, less than you might imagine.

"I don't know, I can imagine a lot." [/Hand Solo]

ChiefsCountry

11-03-2007, 06:43 PM

I prefer to have a female do it for me.

Donger

11-03-2007, 06:44 PM

"I don't know, I can imagine a lot." [/Hand Solo]

Isn't it, "I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit"?

blueballs

11-03-2007, 06:44 PM

the pillows say "hers" by the way

siberian khatru

11-03-2007, 06:46 PM

Isn't it, "I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit"?

Probably. I'll defer to you, since you've made it a habit of holding me to exact movie quotes. I'll just paraphrase from now on -- or better yet, look them up first before posting, so I know I get them perfect and don't incur your superior knowledge.

KChiefs1

11-03-2007, 06:47 PM

Does it increase your testosterone?

JohninGpt

11-03-2007, 06:49 PM

the pillows say "hers" by the way
Sure they do[[waking up after sharing the same bed on the motel]
Neal: Del... Why did you kiss my ear?
Del: Why are you holding my hand?
Neal: [frowns] Where's your other hand?
Del: Between two pillows...
Neal: Those aren't pillows!]

blueballs

11-03-2007, 06:50 PM

Sure they do

the stitching chaffes

Donger

11-03-2007, 06:51 PM

Probably. I'll defer to you, since you've made it a habit of holding me to exact movie quotes. I'll just paraphrase from now on -- or better yet, look them up first before posting, so I know I get them perfect and don't incur your superior knowledge.

Someone needs to jerk off, obviously.

BigMeatballDave

11-03-2007, 06:53 PM

Never, i have a gfThere are 2 types of people in this world. Those who masturbate, and those who lie about not doing it...

siberian khatru

11-03-2007, 06:54 PM

Someone needs to jerk off, obviously.

You seem to be the uptight one, insisting on total accuracy.

Seriously, what difference does it make? Why do you feel the need to chime in? It's not like I was quoting it for truth, to make some important point. It was a little joke -- the difference between "a lot" and "quite a bit" being .... what?

JohninGpt

11-03-2007, 06:54 PM

Someone needs to jerk off, obviously.
OK, back in 5 min.

ClevelandBronco

11-03-2007, 06:54 PM

...at least six months at a whack...

That's a long whack by anyone's definition.

JohninGpt

11-03-2007, 06:55 PM

That's a long whack by anyone's definition.
We're talking MAJOR back pressure.

Donger

11-03-2007, 06:56 PM

You seem to be the uptight one, insisting on total accuracy.

Seriously, what difference does it make? Why do you feel the need to chime in? It's not like I was quoting it for truth, to make some important point. It was a little joke -- the difference between "a lot" and "quite a bit" being .... what?

Meh. It is what it is. I could be wrong, after all.

GoChiefs?

siberian khatru

11-03-2007, 06:57 PM

Meh. It is what it is. I could be wrong, after all.

GoChiefs?

No, I looked it up. You were right. Congratulations. :clap:

Hootie

11-03-2007, 06:59 PM

sex or masterbation hmmm....
ROFL

This confirms it.

I used to have sex with my girlfriend when I was in high school, take her home, and then jerk off an hour later before I went to sleep.

88TG88

11-03-2007, 07:02 PM

One time when I was like 15 I think I jerked off six times in one day. Chafed the hell out of myself, though.
I thought my record of 3 was good, but 6 is ungodly. Could you even walk after that ?

blueballs

11-03-2007, 07:14 PM

FinHeaven is experiencing technical difficulties due to an attack on our network.

The owner and staff of Finheaven will dedicate whatever resources as are necessary to find and prosecute the person(s) who intended to harm the Finheaven family.

We apologize for the inconvenience.

Oct 26th update: The drive on which the database files were deleted was given to a data recovery company. We have asked them to recover as much data as they can so that we can restore the forums. Once the data is recovered, the drive and data will be backed up and the original drive will be given to the FBI. We will try to keep you informed as we get new details.

Oct 27th update: Our host, The Planet, was unable to install a workable network card into the slave server until after the data recovery company closed for the weekend. We have installed software to start the recovery and have sucessfully recovered 1.5 GB of deleted files and are working to recover the remaining data. We believe that we should be able to recover the data and restore the databases. We will keep everyone informed as we get new information.

Oct 30th update: Sorry for the delay in updating everyone. We had hoped to have good news by now but our host, The Planet is pushing incompentence to the a new level. They continue to prove why we decided to get our own servers and go solo...no more leased servers and being a slave to a company who has horrible customer service. The issue is getting a workable network card in the server so that the data recovery company can access the drives. They won't sell us the compromised drives so we can send them to the data recovery company so we will have to ask the FBI to seize the drives. We do have a good backup from August for the forums and are working to do a data recovery to get us up and restored to that point.

Donger

11-03-2007, 07:14 PM

No, I looked it up. You were right. Congratulations. :clap:

Congratulations? Honestly, I feel like kicking the wife's cat.

Sure-Oz

11-03-2007, 07:15 PM

ROFL

This confirms it.

I used to have sex with my girlfriend when I was in high school, take her home, and then jerk off an hour later before I went to sleep.
Jerk off on her right?

eazyb81

11-03-2007, 07:33 PM

ROFL

This confirms it.

I used to have sex with my girlfriend when I was in high school, take her home, and then jerk off an hour later before I went to sleep.

I still do that. :)

chiefbowe82

11-03-2007, 07:49 PM

kcfan82

11-03-2007, 07:52 PM

I bet a few people on here masturbate every time they see that sig pic of Kellie Croyle, like me.

ChiefsCountry

11-03-2007, 07:53 PM

I bet a few people on here masturbate every time they see that sig pic of Kellie Croyle, like me.

Here you go.

JohninGpt

11-03-2007, 07:54 PM

Here you go.
Dammit,...BRB.

chiefbowe82

11-03-2007, 07:55 PM

:::

kcfan82

11-03-2007, 07:55 PM

Here you go.

Thank you sir

BWillie

11-03-2007, 07:56 PM

Sometimes I like to go about 2 weeks. Cuz then when I go out to the bar, I have so much pent up sexual frustration that I become much hornier than normal. I am not a large hornball compared to most drunk guys at the bar, so that helps me succeed and get laid more effectively. The more horny you are at the bar, the more you will try and hit on broads, which equals more chances to get lucky.

Hammock Parties

11-03-2007, 07:59 PM

eazyb81

11-03-2007, 08:00 PM

Plus, your load is Peter North-esque.

It's like a firehose.

teedubya

11-03-2007, 08:01 PM

my hand is very beautiful.

Simply Red

11-03-2007, 08:36 PM

Once sometimes twice a week, but usually zero times a week. I don't know. Average? Once per wk. Don't PM me for details please. That'd just be weird.

QuikSsurfer

11-03-2007, 08:44 PM

sex or masterbation hmmm....
you don't have to cuddle after you **** yourself.

"Bob" Dobbs

11-03-2007, 08:51 PM

Once sometimes twice a week, but usually zero times a week. I don't know. Average? Once per wk. Don't PM me for details please. That'd just be weird.

Yeah. 'Cuz talking about it on a google-cacheable open forum ISN'T weird. ROFL

JohninGpt

11-03-2007, 08:53 PM

you don't have to cuddle after you **** yourself.
And I've never had to try to talk myself into it, or told myself I had a headache, or a period, or I was too tired.

milkman

11-03-2007, 09:08 PM

my hand is very beautiful.

My hand is calloused.

blueballs

11-03-2007, 09:37 PM

How often will Halfcan masturbate
while watching Favre cut up the Chiefs secondary

beach tribe

11-03-2007, 09:59 PM

As often as possible.

Hootie

11-03-2007, 10:09 PM

Jerk off on her right?
you're retarded

boogblaster

11-03-2007, 10:21 PM

Granny said I'd go blind.. so I put on me specks and cuddle up with a nice picture book and yank ole-hank as often as needed .....

Rain Man

11-03-2007, 10:25 PM

There are 2 types of people in this world. Those who masturbate, and those who lie about not doing it...

There is a third type: people who have hooks for hands.

JohninGpt

11-03-2007, 10:30 PM

There is a third type: people who have hooks for hands.
They make prosthetic hands, which is probably alot like sitting on your hand til it falls asleep. Pretend someone else is doing it.

tiptap

11-03-2007, 10:34 PM

There are 2 types of people in this world. Those who masturbate, and those who lie about not doing it...

This is what my 17 year old daughter told me.

tiptap

11-03-2007, 10:37 PM

I go along with use or lose it.

JohninGpt

11-03-2007, 10:40 PM

This is what my 17 year old daughter told me.
Dayyummm!
There are just some things I don't ever want to hear from my children.
Among them are:
I'm pregnant
My GF is pregnant
and There are 2 types of people in this world. Those who masturbate, and those who lie about not doing it...

Otter

11-03-2007, 10:42 PM

often

I try really hard to make sure there's a women aboard but sometimes it just isn't there.

often

Mr. Flopnuts

11-03-2007, 11:44 PM

define masturbation
If I thrust and hump two pillows
is that masturbation

There was a funny ass radio commercial a couple of years ago that opened up "What would you do if you walked in on your roommate humping two pillows?" LMAO I don't even remember the product, or the punchline. That was funny enough all by itself.

Mr. Flopnuts

11-03-2007, 11:45 PM

I prefer to have a female do it for me.

Really? My experience is that they're horrible at it. If you wanna **** around with it honey, just put it in your mouth. Leave that shit to the professional. That's my stance on it anyways.

JohninGpt

11-03-2007, 11:46 PM

Really? My experience is that they're horrible at it. If you wanna **** around with it honey, just put it in your mouth. Leave that shit to the professional. That's my stance on it anyways.
Yes, raw petermeat is nothing nice.

Mr. Flopnuts

11-03-2007, 11:50 PM

you don't have to cuddle after you **** yourself.

It tends to take a lot less time too.

Mr. Flopnuts

11-03-2007, 11:52 PM

Granny said I'd go blind.. so I put on me specks and cuddle up with a nice picture book and yank ole-hank as often as needed .....

That's not true, but God does kill a kitten every time you rub one off.

Mr. Flopnuts

11-03-2007, 11:53 PM

They make prosthetic hands, which is probably alot like sitting on your hand til it falls asleep. Pretend someone else is doing it.

Ahh yes. The stranger.

Oh Snap

11-04-2007, 01:11 AM

Never, i have a gf
x2

Nightfyre

11-04-2007, 01:22 AM

That's not true, but God does kill a kitten every time you rub one off.
Do your part in controling pet population.

Zeke Ziggle

11-04-2007, 01:58 AM

I thought my record of 3 was good, but 6 is ungodly. Could you even walk after that ?

thats just insane. I cant even think of doing it 6 times. And i'm a teenager.
But at the very least i have a new goal in life

BigMeatballDave

11-04-2007, 02:57 AM

There is a third type: people who have hooks for hands.LMAO

Thats OK. If we don't, or can't do it. God does it for us...

BigMeatballDave

11-04-2007, 03:05 AM

CHENZ A!

11-04-2007, 03:24 AM

too damn much.

i only mess with dimes, and they've been scarce lately. :banghead:

TinyEvel

11-04-2007, 08:10 AM

Um, never! What are you talking about? I don't toss off. Dad, mom, I never toss off. NO tossing off!

Baby Lee

11-04-2007, 08:34 AM

Plus, your load is Peter North-esque.
Ropey!!

Kerberos

11-04-2007, 08:44 AM

Nothing like a little "Self Inflicted Love" once in a while.

It could be 2 or 3 times in one day or 3-4 weeks in between. Depending on how much of the dog house I am in at any given time.

:D

JimNasium

11-04-2007, 08:53 AM

I do my part to provide for prostate health.

Kerberos

11-04-2007, 08:59 AM

I do my part to provide for prostate health.

Do you let Jenny watch? Or does she sometimes help?

Donger

11-04-2007, 09:03 AM

ROFL

How Often Do You Mastur...
11-03-2007 11:41 PM
KCJohnny
Degenerate. You add nothing of any value to public discourse.

BigMeatballDave

11-04-2007, 09:05 AM

ROFL

How Often Do You Mastur...
11-03-2007 11:41 PM
KCJohnny
Degenerate. You add nothing of any value to public discourse.Was that a neg rep comment? LMAO

Hog's Gone Fishin

11-04-2007, 09:05 AM

I do it 23 times a week, but it's my job!

BigMeatballDave

11-04-2007, 09:06 AM

I do my part to provide for prostate health.Of course, prostate maintenance.
:)

BigMeatballDave

11-04-2007, 09:08 AM

I do it 23 times a week, but it's my job!I don't know if PETA would honor you for being so kind, or protest for cruelty.
:)

Hog's Gone Fishin

11-04-2007, 09:08 AM

I've got a great idea, During the Chiefs/ Packers game everytime the announcer mentions the name Brett Favre you have to masturbate.

Hog's Gone Fishin

11-04-2007, 09:09 AM

I don't know if PETA would honor you for being so kind, or protest for cruelty.
:)

PETA should donate money to me for being so kind to animals!

BigMeatballDave

11-04-2007, 09:10 AM

I've got a great idea, During the Chiefs/ Packers game everytime the announcer mentions the name Brett Favre you have to masturbate.We'd all bleed to death from the chaffing...

Donger

11-04-2007, 09:11 AM

Was that a neg rep comment? LMAO

It would appear so.

Demonpenz

11-04-2007, 09:11 AM

Has anyone got caught yet?

BigMeatballDave

11-04-2007, 09:14 AM

It would appear so.Thought so. Sounds like Johnny needs to rub one out...

BigMeatballDave

11-04-2007, 09:15 AM

Has anyone got caught yet?My sons Mom caught me once. I wanted some, she wouldn't wake up...

Easy 6

11-04-2007, 09:16 AM

How, exactly, do you broach that topic with the neighbor lady???... LMAO

With me, i'll often go weeks without feeling the urge...followed by a 3-4 day "spurt", where i relentlessly hammer the pony.

BigMeatballDave

11-04-2007, 09:17 AM

With me, i'll often go weeks without feeling the urge...followed by a 3-4 day "spurt", where i relentlessly hammer the pony.LMAO

Donger

11-04-2007, 09:29 AM

Thought so. Sounds like Johnny needs to rub one out...

That's what I thought. I did leave off this part, in order to not embarrass him: ", but I'd like to watch you masturbate."

Donger

11-04-2007, 09:30 AM

How, exactly, do you broach that topic with the neighbor lady???...

We're pretty friendly with each other and my wife's out of town.

BigMeatballDave

11-04-2007, 09:34 AM

That's what I thought. I did leave off this part, in order to not embarrass him: ", but I'd like to watch you masturbate."WTF?

TinyEvel

11-04-2007, 09:35 AM

I've got a great idea, During the Chiefs/ Packers game everytime the announcer mentions the name Huard you have to masturbate.

F.Y.P.

Donger

11-04-2007, 09:38 AM

WTF?

I did a double-take, too.

Direckshun

11-04-2007, 09:49 AM

My body demands that I get off once a day.

It's usually the girlfriend these days, but in those dry stretches I take things into my own hands.

When I'm single, I could do it as often as twice a day.

Calcountry

11-04-2007, 09:52 AM

Mods, can you please stop all these sticky threads at the top of the forum.

BigMeatballDave

11-04-2007, 09:53 AM

Mods, can you please stop all these sticky threads at the top of the forum.LMAO

Skip Towne

11-04-2007, 09:54 AM

Mods, can you please stop all these sticky threads at the top of the forum.
No shit! I HATE stickies.

Extra Point

11-04-2007, 09:58 AM

the pillows say "hers" by the way

And she says, "Those aren't pillows!"

Chief Pote

11-04-2007, 10:23 AM

I really hoped this thread was intended for the female CP members.....otherwise pretty gross for guys to discuss.

blueballs

11-04-2007, 10:25 AM

are we suppose to report in here everytime we spurt
the ****official post whore****thread of all time

Donger

11-04-2007, 10:33 AM

I really hoped this thread was intended for the female CP members.....otherwise pretty gross for guys to discuss.

I didn't consider gender.

Chief Pote

11-04-2007, 12:19 PM

I didn't consider gender.

Really? :Lin:

blueballs

11-04-2007, 03:53 PM

AJ Hawk rubbed one out
on the Chiefs midfield logo
before he left the stadium

Jenny Gump

12-30-2007, 09:10 PM

My sons Mom caught me once. I wanted some, she wouldn't wake up...

"caught you"? She should have "helped you". I don't understand some women.

BigMeatballDave

12-30-2007, 09:17 PM

"caught you"? She should have "helped you". I don't understand some women.LMAO

Simply Red

12-30-2007, 09:27 PM

Yeah. 'Cuz talking about it on a google-cacheable open forum ISN'T weird. ROFL
No, it's not.

jjchieffan

12-30-2007, 09:29 PM

I have some friends with a 16 year old son, he has been caught several times, by his mom, and his sister. Poor kid. Funny though.

BigMeatballDave

12-30-2007, 09:37 PM

I have some friends with a 16 year old son, he has been caught several times, by his mom, and his sister. Poor kid. Funny though.Jeez, he's not very discreet.

JohninGpt

12-30-2007, 09:41 PM

I have some friends with a 16 year old son, he has been caught several times, by his mom, and his sister. Poor kid. Funny though.
I always found that it's better to wait until no one else is in the room.

shyguyms

12-30-2007, 09:44 PM

shit, i can tell you this if i have sex 3 times in a day i will still rub a few off every day, i say i masterbate atleast 12 times a week as a matter of fact... shit my hand is sticky hold on....
okay im back my hand was sticky so i had to lick it off real quick , so i could finish typing,lmao
everyone masterbates
some more than others but some lie about it for some dumb reason.
catching a women doing it, is the craziest thing ever they lie and say they were not doing that, they say i dont do that, thats just gross, i look at them and thin yeah it wasn't too gross a few minutes ago when you were laying back moaning to yourself:)