Ah, the old days.... an old review -- Tuck Everlasting

[Fire Me Boy!]

I rustled up a copy of my favorite review I ever wrote... it was for Tuck Everlasting.

Anyone see it? What are your thoughts. Next post is my review.... my next to last paragraph is the best paragraph I ever put in a review. I did it on a bet. I'll explain in the post after my review.

[Fire Me Boy!]

POSSIBLE SPOILERS... BUT REALLY, DON'T GO SEE THIS MOVIE. BUT READ THE REVIEW.


‘Tuck Everlasting' Is A Dismal Attempt At Family Fare

I wanted to like "Tuck Everlasting." I tried to like "Tuck Everlasting." I could not like "Tuck Everlasting."

The fact that this film is Disney's most recent live-action offering should immediately lower the audience's expectations. But I told myself "broaden your mind. It's got a great cast -- Oscar winners Ben Kingsley, Sissy Spacek and William Hurt. It can't be bad."

Boy was I wrong.

"Tuck Everlasting" is about a family in the early 1900s. The Tucks happened upon a spring of life, a fountain of youth, while traveling through some wooded area. After unknowingly drinking from the spring, the family, except the cat (that's important), discovers their invulnerability.

After Jesse Tuck (the younger brother played by Jonathan Jackson) falls from a ledge 30 feet to land on his neck and promptly stands up, unscathed, they think he's lucky. After Angus Tuck (the father played by Hurt) is bitten by a rattlesnake, but lives, he too is lucky. After the family horse (which also drank the water) is mistaken for a deer and shot and barely shows a mark, they think "strange, but okay." But after the cat dies of old age they begin to wonder. These are slow people, the Tucks.

Enter Winifred (Winnie) Foster, played by Alexis Bledel. Winnie, the only daughter of a rich couple, is about to be sent 500 miles away to a boarding school. After hearing the news, she takes a walk in their woods. No surprise, it's the same woods the Tucks are in.

While lost in her own back yard, she runs into Jesse, who's drinking from the spring (no reason why, just thirsty -- drinking the water just once does the trick). She requests his help to get her back home when Jesse's older brother, Miles (the brooding Scott Bairstow), says they have to take her home with them because she knows too much. So they do.

Kingsley is the menacing Man in the Yellow Suit and is the only truly watchable part of the movie. He has the one good scene and the only good line. Luckily for the audience, they're not the same scene so we get two distinct enjoyable parts of the film.

The Man in the Yellow Suit is following Jesse and Miles -- they've been traveling the world and only return home once every 10 years. He's discovered their secret and wants to find the spring, use it, and sell it to deserving individuals.

Long story short, Jesse and Winnie fall in love, Winnie finds out the truth, they're torn apart, and so forth and so on.

There were so many potentially good things. It had a great cast, a great tag line -- "If you could choose to live forever, would you?" -- and a good basic story. The potential abounded.

Kingsley, Hurt and Spacek all give worthy performances, as do Jackson, Bairstow, Bledel, and Victor Garber (who plays Winnie's father). They're all fine actors, but none magical enough to turn this into a good movie.

Aside from the cast, all that's left to appreciate are the one scene and the one line.

The shining line: Kingsley is speaking with a priest in a darkened cemetery, asking what if you could live forever by your own will. The priest says, "Good sir, you speak blasphemy." Kingsley replies, "Fluently."

The scene: Kingsley is standing alone in the woods, just before he descends upon the Tucks. He's staring at a mirror. I think very few people understood the significance. He was looking to see if that's how he wanted to look for the rest of eternity. The spring "stops you in your tracks."

The only way it would have been better is if in the very next scene his hair was cut shorter. That would have been brilliant. But he didn't and it wasn't.

But the problems are so much larger.

"Tuck Everlasting" had multiple opportunities to make a mediocre story good, but Director Jay Russell wasted them. For instance, there is exactly one line focusing on Miles, who has spent years fighting in as many wars as he can find, killing many people. Angus asks his son, "Haven't you done enough killing for two lifetimes?" Russell never explores the moral implications of a man with everlasting life killing people.

Cinematically, the film was muddy. The pacing was slow and suffocating while the cinematography had such shallow focus there were literally points where a character's eyes were in focus and his chin was not. As well, the film was shot almost entirely with medium shots and close ups.

The most glaring problem lies in the film's dialogue (written by Jeffrey Lieber). This is the most trite script to come from Disney ever. The dialogue is actually what made me lose interest in liking the film. Right before Winnie finds out the Tuck secret she actually says, "I wish this moment would never end." And I nearly puked. A man next to me said, "It's over." He too was trying to like the movie. He too lost that interest at that line.

Later, as Jesse is being whisked away on the back of a trailer, he screams, arm outstretched, "Winnie Foster! I will love you till the end of time!" And I would have puked if I hadn't been laughing so hard.

The audience has to sit through this drivel and then gets pelted with the theme, over and over. As said by narrator Elisabeth Shue in the final line of the movie, "It doesn't matter how long you live, just that you live... Winnie Foster did." I closed my eyes and tried to convince myself they didn't actually just say that. But they did. Other people heard it, too.

Once in a while, a movie comes along that's not what it seems. Sometimes that's good, and sometimes, the movie is like clown shoes -- big and substantial on the surface, but hollow and rubbery on closer inspection. "Tuck Everlasting" is clown shoes.

"Tuck Everlasting" runs an impossibly long 88 minutes and is rated PG for mild violence. It garners only one star (out of four), my lowest rating. "Tuck Everlasting" opens tonight.

[Fire Me Boy!]

Once in a while, a movie comes along that's not what it seems. Sometimes that's good, and sometimes, the movie is like clown shoes -- big and substantial on the surface, but hollow and rubbery on closer inspection. "Tuck Everlasting" is clown shoes.

So... the person I had seen the movie with was a huge Jay & Silent Bob fan. He bet me I couldn't work clown shoes into my review of this movie.

I won.

[Brock]

HOW ABOUT A SPOILER ALERT YOU ASSHOLE

[Fire Me Boy!]

HOW ABOUT A SPOILER ALERT YOU ASSHOLE
There's no spoilers in there. Everything I told you happens in the first half of the movie.

[Fire Me Boy!]

HOW ABOUT A SPOILER ALERT YOU ASSHOLE
Oh, the third paragraph. Eh, maybe.

I really don't want people to watch this movie anyway.

[Fire Me Boy!]

There, Brock. I added a line at the top.

Seriously, it's not worth seeing.

[siberian khatru]

HOW ABOUT A SPOILER ALERT YOU ASSHOLE

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!

[Fire Me Boy!]

SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!
IT'S PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Brock]

There, Brock. I added a line at the top.

Seriously, it's not worth seeing.

Jesus, never mind. :rolleyes:

[Fire Me Boy!]

Jesus, never mind. :rolleyes:
Why the :rolleyes:

I wasn't being a bitch. I didn't see what you were talking about, then I did so I changed my post. Sheesh.

[Brock]

Why the :rolleyes:

I wasn't being a bitch. I didn't see what you were talking about, then I did so I changed my post. Sheesh.

As if anybody would want to see this movie, and thus would be bothered by spoilers......is it starting to sink in yet....anybody ever pointed out you take yourself way too seriously?

[Fire Me Boy!]

As if anybody would want to see this movie, and thus would be bothered by spoilers......is it starting to sink in yet....anybody ever pointed out you take yourself way too seriously?
Wasn't taking myself seriously, I was going off the fact that you wrote a comment calling me an asshole for spoilers. How was I to know you were just joking around?

[blueballs]

the apron is cutting into your testosterone levels
upload some girl on girl action for atleast 3.5 minutes
nothing unnormal

[Fire Me Boy!]

the apron is cutting into your testosterone levels
upload some girl on girl action for atleast 3.5 minutes
nothing unnormal
Man, I just thought it'd be kinda fun to post a real review that I did years ago when I worked at the newspaper on a movie that few probably saw, just for some input on it. No real reason. Just my favorite review of my own.





At least it's not WPI garbage.

[Sully]

I guess I won't be downloading this one, then... ;)

[Fire Me Boy!]

I guess I won't be downloading this one, then... ;)
:grr:









ROFL