nft-parental guidance

[Dr.Fine]

sibling jealousy-gender specific: got a son (11), and a daughter (14)--great kids both-I coach my son in hoops & soccer, so I know this exacerbates the prob, but my daughter is feeling severely neglected by her dad. I admit I share more interests with him (sports in particular), so her feelings are legit. don't really know what advice I'm seeking, just know I feel like a s**t right now, despite wanting to believe (maybe delusional) I'm a good parent. anyone had a similar experience?

[kepp]

A good friend and quasi-mentor once told me that a Dad's job, with respect to his daughter(s), is to be a model of what a "good" man is so that they come to expect that when they venture out on their own. I have two daughters (7mo. old and 4 1/2 yr old) and every so often I get my oldest daughter a little bouquet of flowers on my way home from work and take her out of the house, just me and her, for ice cream or what not...just daddy/daughter time. She's only 4 1/2 so she doesn't know what's what in the big picture yet, but I believe she'll remember these things and come to expect them, throwing all deadbeats and losers to the curb.

So, spend some focused time with you daughter. Take her out to do what SHE likes to do no matter if you like it or not.

Also, from what I hear about raising children through the teen years, you should probably feel very grateful that, at the age of 14, she feels able to express these things and still desires your attention.

[EyePod]

OOHHH... 14 year old daughter... There is nothing you can do to make her like you. When I was 14 (and I'm a guy) I would hate my parents for every little thing possible. If they looked at me the wrong way...or what I thought was the wrong way, there would be a big fight. Good luck with that. I do not look forward to being a father of a teenager. I'm sure she'll come out of this stage at some point, just hope it's sooner than later. I finally wasn't stupid once I got to college. Does she do anything, like extracurricular activities? Try to get involved!! Go to her games.

[Mr. Kotter]

A good friend and quasi-mentor once told me that a Dad's job, with respect to his daughter(s), is to be a model of what a "good" man is so that they come to expect that when they venture out on their own. I have two daughters (7mo. old and 4 1/2 yr old) and every so often I get my oldest daughter a little bouquet of flowers on my way home from work and take her out of the house, just me and her, for ice cream or what not...just daddy/daughter time. She's only 4 1/2 so she doesn't know what's what in the big picture yet, but I believe she'll remember these things and come to expect them, throwing all deadbeats and losers to the curb.

So, spend some focused time with you daughter. Take her out to do what SHE likes to do no matter if you like it or not.

Also, from what I hear about raising children through the teen years, you should probably feel very grateful that, at the age of 14, she feels able to express these things and still desires your attention.

Good advice and commentary. My experience has been similar. :thumb:

I have two daughters 6 and 8 yrs old. Nothing makes their day, like me giving them times when they have my undivided attention....one-on-one--playing a game, reading a book with them (in addition to the bedtime reading nightly,) going out for ice cream, or attending some sort of event (sporting, or otherwise.) Even if it's only once a week--some weeks it's only 30 minutes, other times it's a couple of hours. It seems to make a big difference. Having said that....it doesn't in my experience seem to be a gender specific issue though....because my two boys also enjoy that time.

With teens, moodiness and volatility are often exaggerated....especially from age 11-14 or so....puberty, hormonal, and identity issues and all, you know.

[Iowanian]

My kids aren't that old yet, but given history of my vast family, and working with that age range kids sometimes I'll offer this.

I don't know of a father alive who is acceptable to their 12-15 year old daughter.

I'm sure Hannah Montana secretly thinks her Daddy is a dumbass who doesn't appreciate her too.

Keep chugging, trying to do right by her and she'll eventually appreciate your effort.

[Dr.Fine]

thanks gang--good advice so far. hate to admit this, but in the interest of helping others w/similar stuff, I have to admit that something I did this week brought this to a head. I am going with my son and some of his friends Friday night to see a comedian (he turned me onto). couple of months back when this issue first came up, I brought it up in front of my daughter and son. she didn't at that time express overt interest, and so I assumed it wouldn't be a big deal. I should add that there's probably a little projection going on here. my wife is the type who, even if she's not interested in something like this, she'll play victim just because she doesn't "want to be left out". drives me nuts, and I'm probably (unfairly) projecting that onto my daughter. having said that, I've got fences to mend, and a major reality check. thanks

[KCFalcon59]

thanks gang--good advice so far. hate to admit this, but in the interest of helping others w/similar stuff, I have to admit that something I did this week brought this to a head. I am going with my son and some of his friends Friday night to see a comedian (he turned me onto). couple of months back when this issue first came up, I brought it up in front of my daughter and son. she didn't at that time express overt interest, and so I assumed it wouldn't be a big deal. I should add that there's probably a little projection going on here. my wife is the type who, even if she's not interested in something like this, she'll play victim just because she doesn't "want to be left out". drives me nuts, and I'm probably (unfairly) projecting that onto my daughter. having said that, I've got fences to mend, and a major reality check. thanks

I think you are on to something here. My daughter (12) hates sports, doesn't interest her in the least. Will play video games, for maybe 15 minutes before it bores her. With all that she enjoys nothing more than going with me to sporting events or playing games with just me. My son (9) and I have the same interests. I know that bothers her. I make a point to alternate between them whenever there are any outside events to attend. Keeps her happy. Plus I can't stand to see her sad. She has me wrapped around her little finger.

[Phobia]

I'll echo what Kepp said. It's amazing that she can express those feelings at that age. Count your blessings. At least you'll have an opportunity to mend fences. Most of us are just stuck with angry teenagers with no idea what is going on in their heads.

[Iowanian]

I have an idea.

She'll likely roll her eyes and act like you're corny....I'm surprised she's speaking to you in more than grunts, foot stomps and stamping upstairs...but here is my idea.

For Valentines Day, every year, I have and intend to buy brideowanian some flowers, and each year so far, I've included a couple of pink roses for daughterwanian.

Maybe with that in mind, and the 14th coming, you could take your daughter out for a dinner with just the two of you, and do something to spoil her, like taking her and a friend to get pedicures or something.

[Dr.Fine]

I'll echo what Kepp said. It's amazing that she can express those feelings at that age. Count your blessings. At least you'll have an opportunity to mend fences. Most of us are just stuck with angry teenagers with no idea what is going on in their heads.


agreed Phil-she's pretty sharp--I find myself being self-conscious about asking her to do things together because I don't want to "embarrass" her at this age. I should recognize she's beyond that, and light years ahead of her peers. ironically, despite me having seemingly more things in common with my son, my daughter and I are actually more alike. I am a lucky dad, and need to start showing it.

[Dr.Fine]

I have an idea.

She'll likely roll her eyes and act like you're corny....I'm surprised she's speaking to you in more than grunts, foot stomps and stamping upstairs...but here is my idea.

For Valentines Day, every year, I have and intend to buy brideowanian some flowers, and each year so far, I've included a couple of pink roses for daughterwanian.

Maybe with that in mind, and the 14th coming, you could take your daughter out for a dinner with just the two of you, and do something to spoil her, like taking her and a friend to get pedicures or something.

good idea--I know of a special lunch place she likes--a little early "school-hookey" that day might be special.

[cdcox]

I've got a 17 yo daughter and echo what Kepp has said. I've taken my daughter out for dinner just the two of us several times. Done ladies basketball games. When she was younger we did a couple of campouts and bike riding. Now we watch movies at home. All this is one-on-one activity. It comes slightly easier for me since she doesn't have competing siblings.

These things make a big difference. I've always had a pretty good relationship with my daughter. If we haven't spent time together in a while, she'll suggest an activity (I kid you not). And she properly regards most guys as assholes. She's had a steady boyfriend for over a year and he seems to be a pretty nice guy, that treats her well.

[Duck Dog]

After 14 years you don't know what to do with your daughter to make her happy(ier)? You don't know what she likes? Do you pay any attention at all?

[Duck Dog]

A good friend and quasi-mentor once told me that a Dad's job, with respect to his daughter(s), is to be a model of what a "good" man is so that they come to expect that when they venture out on their own.

That is an excellent analogy and great advice.

[Mr. Plow]

Boys rule and girls drool!















Please don't tell my daughter I said that ........

[Dr.Fine]

After 14 years you don't know what to do with your daughter to make her happy(ier)? You don't know what she likes? Do you pay any attention at all?

maybe I'll take her out for some random animal killing or something--good father/daughter bonding ;)

nah--I generally do pay attention, and do know what she likes--just think her brother gets more of my time, and she's rightfully putting her feelings out.

[Phobia]

I find myself being self-conscious about asking her to do things together because I don't want to "embarrass" her at this age. I should recognize she's beyond that, and light years ahead of her peers. ironically, despite me having seemingly more things in common with my son, my daughter and I are actually more alike. I am a lucky dad, and need to start showing it.
I'd say that, just what you wrote, to her - maybe even put it into a card.

[RJ]

Dr.Fine, you sound like a pretty good dad to me. Since you obviously care about your daughter's feelings and since your daughter sounds bright enough to see that I'm sure the two of you will work things out. Being a good parent doesn't come from having all the answers, it comes from caring.

Wish I had a brilliant idea for you but my daughter is only four and my sons are 28 and 29. I haven't done the teenage girl thing. I'm considering joining a monastery in about 10 or so years based on what I hear, though.

[Micjones]

If you have the time...

The two of you should start up an exclusive lunch club. Just you and her. Make it a point to visit 1 restaurant a month. One you both agree on. And set a date to create anticipation for "time with dad".

This will open up a line of communication, establish some common ground, and give you an opportunity to learn more of her current interests without coming off as insincere. It can also serve as a launchpad for naturally becoming more supportive of her main interests. It'll be a by-product of truly understanding what moves her rather than a function of guilt or obligation.

[acesn8s]

I have an 8 & a 12 year old daughter. I only get to see them every other weekend and on Wed. nights for about 3 hours. My ex rufuses to put them into any extracurricular activities so trying to find those special moments to share has been a challenge. I have one that is falling in love with bowling due to our time together on Wed. night but the older one has been drifting further away as well. I can't get her to open up as much as I would like but I and Joie try to be there when she does need us. The one thing she likes best is time together. One on one or as a family, time is what is important to her.

[bogey]

One hour a week dedicated to her. It should be something you both agree on, but it doesn't necessarily have to be only what she wants. It can be something you want to do as well. Ask her to give your stuff a try, it may not work out that she likes it and so you can try something different. There's nothing wrong with saying to her "I want to spend time with you and only you and I want us to find something that we both like" to do. She'll appreciate that you're having fun too.

[Duck Dog]

maybe I'll take her out for some random animal killing or something--good father/daughter bonding ;)

nah--I generally do pay attention, and do know what she likes--just think her brother gets more of my time, and she's rightfully putting her feelings out.


Your daughter likes killing random animals? So did Dahmer. :p

Seriously though. Take her away for a day or two to see and do stuff she likes. You do know what she likes, don't you? My son isn't into hunting so instead of taking him hunting we fly to see motocross races and concerts. Once we went to see the X Games together.

If you know what she likes you'll figure it out.

[Duck Dog]

I'd say that, just what you wrote, to her - maybe even put it into a card.


That's some good advice right here.