Workplace Bathroom Etiquette - A Rant

[Frazod]

Today at work, I head to the john to take a crap and enjoy a little quality reading time. I open the last stall, and am greeted by the biggest friggin turd I've ever seen. This piece of shit was the size of a hotdog bun - I was actually in awe of it. Just floating there in all its stinky, turdly glory. It had obviously been there for some time, since the smell was not freshly shat, but more of a stale, lingering, permeating crap.

:spock:

Two things:

1. This thing had obviously been in there for a long time, yet no one, especially whoever put it there - thought to flush until I came along.

2. There was no toilet paper in the bowl - not so much as a single sheet. This tells me that whoever crapped out this aerisol can-sized turd DIDN'T WIPE HIS ASS AFTER DOING SO.

Now, I don't work at a bait shop in Mississippi, nor I am posting from Turkey or outer f#cking Mongolia. THIS HAPPENED AT A LAW FIRM IN CHICAGO. Not some rinky-dink ambulance chasing firm with criminal dirtbag clients, either, but a good-sized, successful firm with major corporate and wealthy individual clients. Yet somebody who works there, and I assume this because this is the SECOND TIME its happened in the past couple of weeks, who neither flushes nor wipes his nasty ass.

Unbelievable. What kind of f#cking scumbag does that?

Does this kind of thing happen where you work? I don't know that "yes" answers will make me feel any better, but at least I'll know I'm not alone.

And also, on the subject of workplace shitters - how about reviving the lost art of the COURTESY FLUSH? Just because you're in the next stall and feel compelled to gestate in your own noxious vapors doesn't mean I should have to. Pull the friggin lever.

:cuss:

That is all.

[Hammock Parties]

If I told you the details of my crapping ritual, you would probably be shocked. But I do wipe and flush.

[L.A. Chieffan]

Find out who it was and leave a double decker in their house.

[L.A. Chieffan]

If I told you the details of my crapping ritual, you would probably be shocked. But I do wipe and flush.

:spock: Wha... u pinch your nipples to pics of LJ til it slides out?

[Phobia]

Okay - 3 things.

1. A hot dog bun sized turd isn't really anything to start a rant about.
2. Sometimes a flush can take the paper but not the turd, especially if it's a massive "hot-dog bun" sized.
3. If I courtesy flush, how am I going to boast about the size of my turd?

[Dartgod]

This is the best poop thread we've had here in some time.

[Dunit35]

I work at a restuarant and I hate when people are to lazy to lift the lid and don't flush.

It must take a lot of effort to push a handle....lazy asses.

[Buehler445]

Happens everywhere dude. Went into a job interview at a bigass building in wichita, straightened my tie and shit, and there is a ginormous stinking turd in the toilet. Nice first impression.

[petegz28]

Unbelievable. What kind of f#cking scumbag does that?



****ing lawyers who think their shit don't stink? ROFL

[stlchiefs]

Happens everywhere dude. Went into a job interview at a bigass building in wichita, straightened my tie and shit, and there is a ginormous stinking turd in the toilet. Nice first impression.

At a job interview you're the one trying to make a good first impression, not the poop. :)

[Buehler445]

At a job interview you're the one trying to make a good first impression, not the poop. :)

Goes both ways dude, if you don't go into an interview paying attention to what's going on, its going to be a bad deal for you.

[Adept Havelock]

Congrats, frazod. You have now found out where American Hero works these days.

I bet he has the IT department block internet access to the planet so he's not tempted. ;)

[Smed1065]

It is a turd conspiracy.

Guess they know you now?

[Spott]

Was it a big turd or just a small lawyer?

[DeezNutz]

A "Dear Asshat" sticky note would be appropriate on said bathroom stall.

[Phobia]

Was it a big turd or just a small lawyer?

Fabulous. Really. Nice. Work.

[NewChief]

Does this kind of thing happen where you work? I don't know that "yes" answers will make me feel any better, but at least I'll know I'm not alone.


Considering that I work in a high school, it's a good day when I go into the bathroom and there's not poo smeared on the stall walls. I usually use the teacher bathroom for that reason.

[Hammock Parties]

Considering that I work in a high school, it's a good day when I go into the bathroom and there's not poo smeared on the stall walls. I usually use the teacher bathroom for that reason.

Kids still drawing dongs on the walls these days?

[NewChief]

Kids still drawing dongs on the walls these days?

Rest assured, there will still be plenty of stroke material for you should you choose to visit a high school bathroom stall.

(sorry, I couldn't resist. Sometimes they're just teed up).

[Deberg_1990]

Its obvious your firm doesnt use the American Standards with the elongated bowls.

[Spicy McHaggis]

I remember my first year in the dorms all the guys on my wing (west) would go to the south wing when we had to move our bowels in an epic fashion. I can't remember now why we did it, but I'm sure it was started by some drunken feud.

[Gonzo]

Time for the cross-examination Fraz...


You have assessed that the feces in question had been free-floating for quite some time due to the stale odor present in the facility correct? However, I wonder Mr. Frazod, what makes you such an expert in fecal identification? Did you attend fecal college, (i.e. KU)?

Was the feces in question dry on the top? Had it started to whiten? Was there corn or nuts present in the feces? Do you think water magnification may have skewed your vision or opinion about the size of said feces? What color was said turd? Was the questionable crap a product of too much red meat? Perhaps you should re-evaluate your statements before fouling the name of this fine legal establishment sir...

[blueballs]

there too busy cleaning up other peoples shit to worry about their own

[Smed1065]

Time for the cross-examination Fraz...


You have assessed that the feces in question had been free-floating for quite some time due to the stale odor present in the facility correct? However, I wonder Mr. Frazod, what makes you such an expert in fecal identification? Did you attend fecal college, (i.e. KU)?

Was the feces in question dry on the top? Had it started to whiten? Was there corn or nuts present in the feces? Do you think water magnification may have skewed your vision or opinion about the size of said feces? What color was said turd? Was the questionable crap a product of too much red meat? Perhaps you should re-evaluate your statements before fouling the name of this fine legal establishment sir...

Like u had to ask?

[Pasta Little Brioni]

Sounds like a raider fan or a cubbie lover Raiduhs

[Rausch]

I always employ the courtesy flush.

In most cases it's due to the door hanging about 1" above the floor, meaning anyone within 20 feet will hear the madness going on inside. I hate that.

In such cases I always time the release with loudest volume of the flush. Turd exits at maximum velocity from both arse and bowl with minimal scat acoustics to the rest of the domicile/workplace.

A plus is that said turd only experiences about 1.5 seconds of air time and there is no lingering smell afterwards...

[Coach]

I think what chaps my ass is that after they use the bathroom that after they wipe their asses, that they don't flush it. Just leaving a shitload of toilet paper in the toilet.

Alot of toilet paper + toilet with water = potentional backing up.

[Smed1065]

I always employ the courtesy flush.

In most cases it's due to the door hanging about 1" above the floor, meaning anyone within 20 feet will hear the madness going on inside. I hate that.

In such cases I always time the release with loudest volume of the flush. Turd exits at maximum velocity from both arse and bowl with minimal scat acoustics to the rest of the domicile/workplace.


A plus is that said turd only experiences about 1.5 seconds of air time and there is no lingering smell afterwards...

WTF?

Only courtesy flush was in the service, in a foreign country without the oblong.

Afraid of a sound?

ROFLMAO

[Rausch]

there too busy cleaning up other peoples shit to worry about their own

HA!

Doubleplusgood!ROFL

[Rausch]

WTF?

What part didn't you get?

1st flush takes most of the turd/noise/stink away.

2nd flush takes care of the clean up...

[booger]

to hell with courtesy flushes. If I gotta smell that god aweful stench then so does every one else.

As far as the size of the turd? It might have died and bloated from the water and improper burrial. Dead things bloat when they get dumped off like that.

[Groves]

Rate it. I've never been there, and I'm not going to go there, but my brother told me about www.ratemypoop.com or www.ratemypoo.com or something like that.

[Smed1065]

What part didn't you get?

1st flush takes most of the turd/noise/stink away.

2nd flush takes care of the clean up...

In most cases it's due to the door hanging about 1" above the floor, meaning anyone within 20 feet will hear the madness going on inside.


None according to your restatement?

[Rausch]

In most cases it's due to the door hanging about 1" above the floor, meaning anyone within 20 feet will hear the madness going on inside.


None according to your restatement?

When you have a shotgun-$#!t or groaner and you're at work/a guest/public place no one wants to suffer your turd-birth-pangs.

Sure as hell no one wants to wander into the aftermath.

[Smed1065]

When you have a shotgun-$#!t or groaner and you're at work/a guest/public place no one wants to suffer your turd-birth-pangs.

Sure as hell no one wants to wander into the aftermath.

So it went from priorities to what I said to what I meant? While quoting what I thought I said.......

OK, You asked I provided.

Make it mean what you want now to diffuse what u wondered about.ROFL

[sedated]

I leave them floating just so I can hear the work folk bitch about it later.

Or, in such cases, read about it on the internet.

[booger]

When you have a shotgun-$#!t or groaner and you're at work/a guest/public place no one wants to suffer your turd-birth-pangs.

Sure as hell no one wants to wander into the aftermath.

your too damned nice.

the noise, smell, gyrations, sweat, tears, and especially the looks and reactions afterwards...... it's all part of the jouney dude.

[Pablo]

When I was in high school, my younger brother and I shared a bathroom. I always got up first and took a shower and then woke him up. There were countless mornings where I'd get out of the shower and our tiny bathroom would be about 110 degrees and steamy. Perfect time to drop a duece. The smell and heat were awesome for it. I'd drop one and leave it in the bowl for about 10 minutes with the door shut, then wake him up.

It was the perfect setup. I did that pretty frequently.

But one morning, he got me good. I had just dropped a monster, and I mean this thing was only a tail and a set of eyes away from being a small woodland creature. I dropped the monster and woke him up for his shower. I didn't suspect anything because he'd usually just laugh it off and then it was all over with. He got out of the bathroom and went to his room. I had to take another piss, so I went back in.

There in the bowl was a monstrosity on top of my own monster. He dropped a mega-deuce on top of my mega-deuce and the toilet looked like two badgers fighting it out in a dixie cup. His double-shit was just about the most awesome poop experience of my life. He actually thought to sit on the toilet in that foggy, smelly bathroom and plop a monster on top of my own, then leave it for me to find a little later. It was poop-tacular.

[Ugly Duck]

Heck... hotdog bun size? That ain't nothin. To crap a really large crap, you gotta do it underwater (not in a pool, please). Preferably at 20 feet or deeper to have enough pressure to support the really big ones & keep 'em all in one piece. You can make 'em over two feet easy. One word of caution... you have to determine if it will be a sinker or a floater first.

Floater: Point your ass towards the surface.
Sinker: Point your ass down.

[Rausch]

So it went from priorities to what I said to what I meant? While quoting what I thought I said.......

OK, You asked I provided.

Make it mean what you want now to diffuse what u wondered about.ROFL

I have absolutely no clue WTF you're talking about now...

[KcMizzou]

My youngest son (10 yrs old) drops deuces that would likely kill me. I have no idea how such a tiny kid can do that. He's the smallest person in the house, yet he's the only one who regularly clogs toilets. It's about time I taught him how to use a plunger. :shrug:

[Rausch]

My youngest son (10 yrs old) drops deuces that would likely kill me. I have no idea how such a tiny kid can do that. He's the smallest person in the house, yet he's the only one who regularly clogs toilets. It's about time I taught him how to use a plunger. :shrug:

Waiting....have huge 2ndary HD and old pics...need...proper.....cue....

[BWillie]

Heck... hotdog bun size? That ain't nothin. To crap a really large crap, you gotta do it underwater (not in a pool, please). Preferably at 20 feet or deeper to have enough pressure to support the really big ones & keep 'em all in one piece. You can make 'em over two feet easy. One word of caution... you have to determine if it will be a sinker or a floater first.

Floater: Point your ass towards the surface.
Sinker: Point your ass down.

For some reason I have huge massive shits. That is most likely because I eat 99% more calories than the general public, this leading to larger shits. I try as much as possible to not shit at home because our toilets aren't industrial and my shits literally will not go down. When I do shit at home, I have to keep some a box of plastic knifes in the bathroom to cut up my shit so it will actually go down.

However, I am less cautious at work. I let it rip and if it's really a good one. I usually take a picture of it on my phone, and then send it to one of my friends that I don't like very much just to show how childish I actually am.

My step dad works with 100% guys in a power plant and some guy left a shit among all shits that they could not get down the stall. I mean this shit eats the souls of other men's shit it was so large. Somehow they spraypainted it gold, and put it in glass casing. Nobody ever claimed it though.

[Rausch]

For some reason I have huge massive shits. That is most likely because I eat 99% more calories than the general public, this leading to larger shits. I try as much as possible to not shit at home because our toilets aren't industrial and my shits literally will not go down. When I do shit at home, I have to keep some a box of plastic knifes in the bathroom to cut up my shit so it will actually go down.

I noticed that about 2 weeks after going on the carb diet I started tossing out girlie turds as big around as your thumb.

Really, it was almost like I did it out of habbit as much as anything.

Started to make me wonder if my body had just been getting rid of...well...the $#it I'd been putting in it all these years...

[KcMizzou]

Nothing quite like a good old Chiefsplanet poop thread. Where's Jimnasium?

[alanm]

Some of you guys are some sick f*cking bastards. :spock::D

[KcMizzou]

Some of you guys are some sick f*cking bastards. :spock::DMostly Rausch.

[Rausch]

Nothing quite like a good old Chiefsplanet poop thread. Where's Jimnasium?

Banging the hot chick.

:evil:

[Rausch]

Mostly Rausch.

In general, I'd agree, but I'm the ****ing only pr!ck in this thread with some manners and concern for the olfactory nerves of others.

Just HTF did I become the villain?...

[KcMizzou]

In general, I'd agree, but I'm the ****ing only pr!ck in this thread with some manners and concern for the olfactory nerves of others.

Just HTF did I become the villain?...General principal.

[Rausch]

General principal.

"When in doubt default to the kraut."

I see how you pr!cks are...

[KcMizzou]

"When in doubt default to the kraut."

I see how you pr!cks are...Heheh... "Bosch" aint exactly hispanic. I'm in the same boat.

[Rausch]

Heheh... "Bosch" aint exactly hispanic. I'm in the same boat.

I'm related to a Bosch that went to HS here in Jeff.

I'm sure we've had this conversation before, but humor me...

[Redrum_69]

What a shitty thread

[Skip Towne]

We need Bob Dole to check in here.

[HMc]

Jesus. DO NOT go to http://www.ratemypoo.com/bestof.html

[Phobia]

When I was in high school, my younger brother and I shared a bathroom. I always got up first and took a shower and then woke him up. There were countless mornings where I'd get out of the shower and our tiny bathroom would be about 110 degrees and steamy. Perfect time to drop a duece. The smell and heat were awesome for it. I'd drop one and leave it in the bowl for about 10 minutes with the door shut, then wake him up.

It was the perfect setup. I did that pretty frequently.

But one morning, he got me good. I had just dropped a monster, and I mean this thing was only a tail and a set of eyes away from being a small woodland creature. I dropped the monster and woke him up for his shower. I didn't suspect anything because he'd usually just laugh it off and then it was all over with. He got out of the bathroom and went to his room. I had to take another piss, so I went back in.

There in the bowl was a monstrosity on top of my own monster. He dropped a mega-deuce on top of my mega-deuce and the toilet looked like two badgers fighting it out in a dixie cup. His double-shit was just about the most awesome poop experience of my life. He actually thought to sit on the toilet in that foggy, smelly bathroom and plop a monster on top of my own, then leave it for me to find a little later. It was poop-tacular.

Two badgers in a dixie cup - that is some splendid imagery. Well done.

[Ugly Duck]

When I do shit at home, I have to keep some a box of plastic knifes in the bathroom to cut up my shit so it will actually go down.

Dude... try the underwater thing - you might have the record crap. Next time you go SCUBA diving, bring an underwater camera & a yardstick. You'll be in Guiness.

[Frazod]

My so-to-be-former ISP took yet another dump on me last night, so I was unable to further participate in this thread.

I will, however, say one thing - it is really disturbing that there are people on here who don't think a turd such as the one I described is big.

Glad my ass doesn't open that wide. Sort of makes me wonder what some of you might be doing in your spare time.

NTTAWWT :D

[Phobia]

Nothing quite like a good old Chiefsplanet poop thread. Where's Jimnasium?

I think his old lady already has her claws dug in deeply. He was last seen over here, I think:
http://fatchatter.com/index.php?topic=1091.msg18522#msg18522

[Phobia]

Glad my ass doesn't open that wide. Sort of makes me wonder what some of you might be doing in your spare time.

Uh - eat?

[siberian khatru]

1. A hot dog bun sized turd isn't really anything to start a rant about.


No kidding. I'm happy when my turds are only the size of hot dog buns. Saves me the trouble of finding a wire coat hanger.

[HMc]

I think his old lady already has her claws dug in deeply. He was last seen over here, I think:
http://fatchatter.com/index.php?topic=1091.msg18522#msg18522

NO MORE WPI SPA......

Oh, sorry. Proceed.

[siberian khatru]

Oh, and while we're on the topic --

Right after I got out of the shower this morning, with my freshly scrubbed ass in tow, I suddenly had the urge to take a dump. And it was a big, messy dump too, totally negating the thorough cleaning. I HATE when that happens. It's like my bowels play these cruel jokes on me.

[Phobia]

NO MORE WPI SPA......

Oh, sorry. Proceed.

As much disdain as I have for the wpi folks I still believe most links I posted during my tenure were legitimately relevant.

The link appearing on this thread, however, is pure spam regardless of a slight relevance.

[Phobia]

Oh, and while we're on the topic --

Right after I got out of the shower this morning, with my freshly scrubbed ass in tow, I suddenly had the urge to take a dump. And it was a big, messy dump too, totally negating the thorough cleaning. I HATE when that happens. It's like my bowels play these cruel jokes on me.

Same.

The other problem I've discovered as I've aged and grown a fat ass is that my sphincter sits too far back on the seat. Whenever I unleash a turd lacking sufficient fiber it inevitably messes the back portion of the porcelain bowl and causes my wife much frustration 'cuz, I'm not cleaning that crap.

[HMc]

Does anyone else just refuse to clean the shitter? I mean, withthe toilet brush? I don't understand how people can stick the brush, cover it in poop, then place the brush back in it's little holder beside the facility, with it only having been cleaned by the (dirty) toilet water? Aren't there still poo particles attached to the brush? And now its gonna sit out in the open?

[siberian khatru]

Does anyone else just refuse to clean the shitter? I mean, withthe toilet brush? I don't understand how people can stick the brush, cover it in poop, then place the brush back in it's little holder beside the facility, with it only having been cleaned by the (dirty) toilet water? Aren't there still poo particles attached to the brush? And now its gonna sit out in the open?

That's why I don't also use it to clean dishes in the kitchen sink.

[Phobia]

Does anyone else just refuse to clean the shitter? I mean, withthe toilet brush? I don't understand how people can stick the brush, cover it in poop, then place the brush back in it's little holder beside the facility, with it only having been cleaned by the (dirty) toilet water? Aren't there still poo particles attached to the brush? And now its gonna sit out in the open?

Well, our toilets turn clockwise here in the U.S. thusly cleaning the brush fibers more efficiently. If you'd simply invert your toilets down under you'd have cleaner toilet brushes.

[HMc]

You really mailed that one in.

[Phobia]

You really mailed that one in.
No kidding - who uses the brush in the kitchen anyway?

[Deberg_1990]

Some of you guys in this thread are revealing far too much information than i ever cared to know about you. :)

[Phobia]

Some of you guys in this thread are revealing far too much information than i ever cared to know about you. :)

You didn't already know my feces was incredibly stinky and messy? I was sure you were smarter than that.

[HMc]

where the hell did the kitchen part come from?

[Phobia]

where the hell did the kitchen part come from?

Siberian Kantpoo pulled it out of his butt.

[RockChalk]

My freshman year at KU, somebody on our floor (nobody ever claimed it) laid down the largest growler I've ever seen in my lifetime. This bastard was so big that it looks like a six inch subway sandwhich and had these nasty hairs (fiber i'd assume) all over it. My roommate printed off a bunch of signs that said "Come see the world's largest turd - 8th floor" and we posted them in the elevators. Some people actually came up to our floor to look at it.

[Pablo]

My freshman year at KU, somebody on our floor (nobody ever claimed it) laid down the largest growler I've ever seen in my lifetime. This bastard was so big that it looks like a six inch subway sandwhich and had these nasty hairs (fiber i'd assume) all over it. My roommate printed off a bunch of signs that said "Come see the world's largest turd - 8th floor" and we posted them in the elevators. Some people actually came up to our floor to look at it.I've pushed out many a sub-sandwich in my day. Not all the time, but I do have un-naturally large bowel movements from times to time.

[Phobia]

I've pushed out many a sub-sandwich in my day. Not all the time, but I do have un-naturally large bowel movements from times to time.Which is why the frazod description of a hot dog bun seemed so ridiculous to me.

[Pablo]

Which is why the frazod description of a hot dog bun seemed so ridiculous to me.Yeah...there have been times when I've held off crapping for like 4 days, and I'd push out 4 or 5 hot dog bun sized delights.

I used to have dozens of poop pics on my phone, I'd always document my monstrosities and send them to my friends for them to appreciate as well, unless they were in the house. Then I'd just leave them floating for some poor soul to find.

[Phobia]

I think we scared all the girlie poopers off, G-Rox.

[Hammock Parties]

Yeah...there have been times when I've held off crapping for like 4 days.

That's no good, man. Good way to injure yo anus.

[DJJasonp]

While we're on this topic....I have a rant to add....

At my work, we have a pretty busy bathroom.....4 stand up urinals and 4 toilets...

My rant revolves around the 4 stand ups....and the etiquette related to positioning. So...if I'm ever the first one in (no one else at the stand ups)....I'll always take the far left or the far right urinal....giving 3 options to either side of me.

What infuriates me (hence the rant) is when the next person to come to the stand-ups decides to be a real knob-job and take a urinal right next to me! Look jackass...you've got 3 options....2 of which are not right next to me....so follow proper etiquette and take the urinal at the opposite end as me....and let the next two people in be the lucky "middle ones".

I've had this happen 2 or 3 times and I just dont get it....how can you be that stupid?

(There are obvious answers to why someone would do this....but I shudder to think about it)

Anyone else have this happen?

[siberian khatru]

I think we scared all the girlie poopers off, G-Rox.

Heh. Sissy shitters.

[Phobia]

While we're on this topic....I have a rant to add....

At my work, we have a pretty busy bathroom.....4 stand up urinals and 4 toilets...

My rant revolves around the 4 stand ups....and the etiquette related to positioning. So...if I'm ever the first one in (no one else at the stand ups)....I'll always take the far left or the far right urinal....giving 3 options to either side of me.

What infuriates me (hence the rant) is when the next person to come to the stand-ups decides to be a real knob-job and take a urinal right next to me! Look jackass...you've got 3 options....2 of which are not right next to me....so follow proper etiquette and take the urinal at the opposite end as me....and let the next two people in be the lucky "middle ones".

I've had this happen 2 or 3 times and I just dont get it....how can you be that stupid?

(There are obvious answers to why someone would do this....but I shudder to think about it)

Anyone else have this happen?

I'm not sure I've ever had this happen but if it did I probably wouldn't notice....

Why would you notice?

Peewee or Peeker?

[Pablo]

While we're on this topic....I have a rant to add....

At my work, we have a pretty busy bathroom.....4 stand up urinals and 4 toilets...

My rant revolves around the 4 stand ups....and the etiquette related to positioning. So...if I'm ever the first one in (no one else at the stand ups)....I'll always take the far left or the far right urinal....giving 3 options to either side of me.

What infuriates me (hence the rant) is when the next person to come to the stand-ups decides to be a real knob-job and take a urinal right next to me! Look jackass...you've got 3 options....2 of which are not right next to me....so follow proper etiquette and take the urinal at the opposite end as me....and let the next two people in be the lucky "middle ones".

I've had this happen 2 or 3 times and I just dont get it....how can you be that stupid?

(There are obvious answers to why someone would do this....but I shudder to think about it)

Anyone else have this happen?That doesn't really bother me that much unless he starts rubbing my back or something...

The trofts at Arrowhead are pretty sweet. Nothing screams masculinaty like men lined up 12 deep, and 15 wide, bumping hips while pissing in a huge porcelain troft.

[DJJasonp]

I'm not sure I've ever had this happen but if it did I probably wouldn't notice....

Why would you notice?

Peewee or Peeker?

I guess it's a personal space issue....

Kind of like the people in the grocery line who get a little too close behind you.

maybe I've got issues! :rolleyes:

[Phobia]

maybe I've got issues! :rolleyes:

You and everybody else, dude. The older you get the more you realize it.

[Fish]

The pooping experience as it was meant to be shared....

http://img293.imageshack.us/img293/5821/toiletviewca0.jpg

You know Bob. I've never told you that I...............................eeennnnnnnnnnnnnghfffffff...... . . . I really.......unnnftpt... . . I respect you as a person.

[Bugeater]

While we're on this topic....I have a rant to add....

At my work, we have a pretty busy bathroom.....4 stand up urinals and 4 toilets...

My rant revolves around the 4 stand ups....and the etiquette related to positioning. So...if I'm ever the first one in (no one else at the stand ups)....I'll always take the far left or the far right urinal....giving 3 options to either side of me.

What infuriates me (hence the rant) is when the next person to come to the stand-ups decides to be a real knob-job and take a urinal right next to me! Look jackass...you've got 3 options....2 of which are not right next to me....so follow proper etiquette and take the urinal at the opposite end as me....and let the next two people in be the lucky "middle ones".

I've had this happen 2 or 3 times and I just dont get it....how can you be that stupid?

(There are obvious answers to why someone would do this....but I shudder to think about it)

Anyone else have this happen?

You need to print off a copy of Rain Man's rules for selecting a urinal and post it in the bathroom.



RULES FOR SELECTING A URINAL

If there is...

1 urinal present - Use it

2 urinals present - Use either

3 urinals present - Always select Urinal 1 or Urinal 3 if you're the first person, as this gives the next visitor the option of keeping Urinal 2 between you. If you're the second person, obviously use either Urinal 1 or Urinal 3, whichever is unoccupied.

4 urinals present - Always select Urinal 1 or Urinal 4 if you're the first person, as this gives the second visitor the opportunity to keep two urinals between you. If you're the second person, you should select the farthest urinal, though it is not a major faux pas if you select a urinal that is two away.

5 urinals present - If you're the first person, #1 and #5 are strongly preferred, though in reality you can pick #3 without being completely uncouth. If you're the second person, you must ALWAYS select a urinal that is as far away as possible, e.g., if the first person is at #1, you should go to #5, or it is permissible to be an even number of urinals away, e.g., #3 if the first person is at #1. It is a major faux pas to be an odd number of urinals away, e.g. #4 when the first person is at #1, UNLESS the first person has mistakenly selected an even-numbered urinal, in which case you are required to select the farthest urinal from that person.

6 urinals present - This one gets complicated. The first person arriving should select #1 or #6, though it is not a faux pas to select #3 or #4. If you're the second person arriving, you must go to either urinal #1 or #6, whichever is farthest from the first person. Person #3 must then claim either #1 or #6 if either is unoccupied, OR go to #3 or #4, their choice.

7 urinals - Person #1 must always select an odd-numbered urinal, preferably #1 or #7, but #3 and #5 are permissible. Person #2 should select the farthest urinal from Person #1, regardless of Person #1's choice. Person #3 then has the more complicated task, with a choice matrix as follows:

If the others are both at even-numbered urinals, claim the final remaining even-numbered urinal.

If the others are both at odd-numbered urinals, claim another odd-numbered urinal, preferably #1 or #7 if either is unoccupied.

If the others are at an odd-numbered urinal and an even-numbered urinal, then Person #3 should claim any urinal that is at least five urinals distant from them, and if that is not possible, then any urinal that is at least three distant. If that is not possible, then it means that the first two people have gone with a 1/6 or a 2/7 combination, which represents a major indiscretion on someone's part, in which case Person #3 needs to minimize the damage by going with either #3 or #4 in the first case, or #4 or #5 in the second case, and finish as quickly as possible.

[BIG_DADDY]

Unbelievable. What kind of f#cking scumbag does that?

.


Our contries campaign chairs really should consider taking our options with them or flushing.

[TinyEvel]

The courtesy flush is a myth. The log is already submerged, the water's surface acts as a barrier to odors. No vapors are escaping (unless you see bubbles arising from the loaf) Now, a flush would be effective if the poo were breech (that is, some of it is above the water) but otherwise, it is not a courtesy flush you seek, it is actually a courtesy wipe. See, it's not the submerged log that's doing the stinking, it's that Hershey's kiss that's clinging to your puckerhole.

[Ugly Duck]

Youtube.... Dan Marino on public restroom etiquette:

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[Hammock Parties]

Dave Barry is my hero.

[KCChiefsMan]

I think I should rant about my drive to Boston. Twice I stopped at a McDy's to take a $hit while I was on the road and both times there were some damn kids that kept trying to open the stall door while I was taking care of business. Not only that, but the dad was in there with them just standing there monitoring his children going to the bathroom. So I'm wiping as fast as I could because my anxiety is going through the roof during a time that I should be in deep relaxation.

I like to think I take a normal time shit. I wipe my butt until nothing can be shown on the TP after a wipe. So I guess I took about 8-10 minutes or so. Well both times I get out the kids and the dad are just standing there waiting for me to get out of the stall and they've been standing there for almost as long as I've been in there. Both of the times I get a dirty look and one guy ran into the stall as fast as he could after I got out and slammed the door as hard as he could, the other dad just gave me a dirty look and told his kids that it was their time.

Is this normal public bathroom behavior for you dads out there? because it is NOT cool.

[88TG88]

I think I should rant about my drive to Boston. Twice I stopped at a McDy's to take a $hit while I was on the road and both times there were some damn kids that kept trying to open the stall door while I was taking care of business. Not only that, but the dad was in there with them just standing there monitoring his children going to the bathroom. So I'm wiping as fast as I could because my anxiety is going through the roof during a time that I should be in deep relaxation.

I like to think I take a normal time shit. I wipe my butt until nothing can be shown on the TP after a wipe. So I guess I took about 8-10 minutes or so. Well both times I get out the kids and the dad are just standing there waiting for me to get out of the stall and they've been standing there for almost as long as I've been in there. Both of the times I get a dirty look and one guy ran into the stall as fast as he could after I got out and slammed the door as hard as he could, the other dad just gave me a dirty look and told his kids that it was their time.

Is this normal public bathroom behavior for you dads out there? because it is NOT cool.
WTF, they just stood around smelling your shit for 10 minutes ? Something is definitely wrong with them.

[Programmer]

It's obvious that nobody has posted the "Rules for Pooping at work" where you are.

I just wish they would come up with some rules for farting at work. Some dipstick farts in the elevators every morning. I swear he rides all 6 of them on the way up to his office.

[Phobia]

It's obvious that nobody has posted the "Rules for Pooping at work" where you are.

I just wish they would come up with some rules for farting at work. Some dipstick farts in the elevators every morning. I swear he rides all 6 of them on the way up to his office.

My bad. I have some issues.

[Programmer]

My bad. I have some issues.

It would be great if we could nail it down to you, but there is too much distance between work locations. It's as bad as the phantom $#!tter we had on one of the construction sites I worked on a few years ago.

[Abba-Dabba]

I always take my dumps on company time. If I have to smell it, I'm going to get paid for it. Nothing like a CD on the clock. My toilet at home hasn't seen a turd of mine in 3yrs.

[Pablo]

It's obvious that nobody has posted the "Rules for Pooping at work" where you are.

I just wish they would come up with some rules for farting at work. Some dipstick farts in the elevators every morning. I swear he rides all 6 of them on the way up to his office.That's great. Nothing better than popping off a couple gut-bombs right when your elevator ride has ended. I watch the people walking in after me curiously.

"Do they know today they'll meet their demise?...surely not." Their faces scream complacency, coffee in hand...breakfast still in the sack. Then the doors shut and I hear it...

The scream of a woman completely enveloped with the noxious ass-fumes I've left to kill them. I like to think of my elevator farts as the creeping green fog that kills the first born son in the old version of the Ten Commandments. The blood-curling screams of the people on the elevator desperate to escape the air-pain I've subjected them to mimic those of the women in that movie losing their children. Silly Pharoah, you should have let my people go...

[Frazod]

In with Reply 100. :rockon:

[KCChiefsMan]

WTF, they just stood around smelling your shit for 10 minutes ? Something is definitely wrong with them.

ya, this was not even the first time this has happened to me. Once I was in Panera Bread taking a $hit and there was only one stall and this guy in a Lance Armstrong outfit stood there in front of the stall door leaning against the sink waiting for me to come out. I could see him standing there through the crack on the door and for God's sakes, If I need to take a dump and someone is in there, I'm waiting outside of the bathroom for a bit. I only take dumps in public bathrooms when it's completely necessary and I have no other option.

[Phobia]

I only take dumps in public bathrooms when it's completely necessary and I have no other option.

Actually, you're beginning to sound a bit like a hobbyist. McDonalds x2 and now Panera Bread. Do you even have a commode at home?

[Phobia]

In with #104.

[Frazod]

In with #104.

Shouldn't you be crapping out some cement brick-sized turds right now? :D

[Phobia]

Shouldn't you be crapping out some cement brick-sized turds right now? :D

What makes you think I'm not?

[Skip Towne]

What makes you think I'm not?

I never can tell. You smell like that all of the time.

[The Rick]

I'd like to add a rule to the bathroom etiquette list:

When you're peeing at a urinal next to someone, do not stand there with your hands on your hips or with your arms dangling at your side. Hold your junk. The person standing next to you should not have to pee in fear of your wang turning into an out of control firehose spraying every thing in site.

Also, do not stand at the urinal spread eagle with both hands propped up against the wall in front of you. Among other things, it just looks bad.

[KCChiefsMan]

Actually, you're beginning to sound a bit like a hobbyist. McDonalds x2 and now Panera Bread. Do you even have a commode at home?

what can ya do when you're on the open road? pull off on the side of the road and risk my junk getting bit by a snake?

[Pablo]

I'd like to add a rule to the bathroom etiquette list:

When you're peeing at a urinal next to someone, do not stand there with your hands on your hips or with your arms dangling at your side. Hold your junk. The person standing next to you should not have to pee in fear of your wang turning into an out of control firehose spraying every thing in site.

Also, do not stand at the urinal spread eagle with both hands propped up against the wall in front of you. Among other things, it just looks bad.If I'm drunk I do the arm-armed lean. Kinda leaning forward on my lead on with my head approaching the wall, holding onto my junk and trying my damndest to rip off a few ass-clouds. Also, if I'm drunk, I'm probably in a bar and I don't care where my piss lands, because if I'm in a bar bathroom, chances are I'm standing in a puddle of other people's piss, while leaning against a dirty war smeared with jokes and numbers.

Edit:

As a matter of fact, I just felt a demon gurgling in my tummy while I typed this and I had to make a mad dash to the bathroom as soon as I replied. Let me give y'all the inside scoop. I've been on a high fiber diet of sorts the past few days, trying to eat healthy, a whole lot of fruits and vegetables, salads, and protein shakes. Now this make for extremely frequent, stinky poo. Last night I slipped up after I got off work and gave into my demand for Taco Bell. I ordered two rice and bean burritos and a cheesy rollup.

High fiber + Taco Bell = f*cking terrible idea.

I'm a pretty good guesstimator, and I just dropped a 13 inch toilet snake. It was somewhere between the girth of a good sized hotdog bun and a Subway sandwich bun. It was kinda like soft serve, soft enough to not hurt or rip anything coming out, but firm enough to stay together and poke it's splendid head back out of the water at me. I was going to take a pic and post it for CP, but I couldn't f*cking take the smell for more than 30 seconds. I have a pretty strong stomach, and I can eat/smell just about anything and not throw up. I caught a strong wiff out of curiousity, and I damn near threw up in my own mouth. That was one rank turd. And the best part, I ate a few salads yesterdays, and the carrot shreds were still magnificiently preserved.

[siberian khatru]

Shouldn't you be crapping out some cement brick-sized turds right now? :D

Been there, done that.

[siberian khatru]

In with #104.

MFer beat me again.

[Phobia]

what can ya do when you're on the open road? pull off on the side of the road and risk my junk getting bit by a snake?

Hey, if that's the kind of bar you like to hang out at who am I to judge?

[chasedude]

We have developmentally disabled people working here. One guy "Mike" with Down's always craps on the floor. I walked in after he's been in there to find a turd laying on the floor!!! I've almost stepped in it! WTF!!! Why is this water head still working here? I just don't get it. Time to Call the Janitor again :shake:

[Phobia]

We have developmentally disabled people working here. One guy "Mike" with Down's always craps on the floor. I walked in after he's been in there to find a turd laying on the floor!!! I've almost stepped in it! WTF!!! Why is this water head still working here? I just don't get it. Time to Call the Janitor again :shake:

If everybody at your place of employment is developmentally challenged, that's more of an indictment on you than it is them, Corky.

[chasedude]

If everybody at your place of employment is developmentally challenged, that's more of an indictment on you than it is them, Corky.

If only this was true, I'd be shredding papers for a job instead of an IT manager. No responsibility? Sold!

[Fish]

I used to work at a fiberglass insulation plant called Johns Manville, and they had a disabilities program as well. They had one fellow in particular that would go into the Mens room and drop his pants down to his ankles at the urinal. Rather shocking to see a bare white ass at the urinal when you walk in. He would also stand around the huge round sink in the middle of the room and apply Sarna lotion to his genitals. I'm really not kidding. And everyone who instinctively did a "Holy shit!" when walking in and seeing this would be greeted with "My peepee itches". Working with fiberglass all day would itch pretty bad, and he was just getting relief, but geez you don't expect that in the middle of work......

[Iowanian]

I have a hypothesis.

Maybe there isn't a giant snickers in every toilet bowl you look into...maybe its a reflection.

Next time, look deeply into the bowl and say "Mirror Mirror in the throne....."

Here are some optional completed sentences:
A. Is that a peanut lawyer clone?

B. Am I a prick who'll die alone?

C. Mirror Mirror how did frazod get so lucky, the toilet full of skiptown pucky

[Frazod]

I have a hypothesis.

Maybe there isn't a giant snickers in every toilet bowl you look into...maybe its a reflection.

Next time, look deeply into the bowl and say "Mirror Mirror in the throne....."

Here are some optional completed sentences:
A. Is that a peanut lawyer clone?

B. Am I a prick who'll die alone?

C. Mirror Mirror how did frazod get so lucky, the toilet full of skiptown pucky

Aww, my bitch is back. And I've missed you so.

[Baby Lee]

Aww, my bitch is back. And I've missed you so.

Your own little Petey Greene.

[Iowanian]

I'm certain you found 10-12 other posters to bestow your miserable prickisms upon in my absense.

I am glad the messenger service was able to locate the right floor on the first try...great coupon for the poop of the month, and they'll be back tuesday or wednesday.

Why don't you share the rest of the story...you know, the part where you grab a fist full of stranger-dump and continued the whackathon with the Garanimals catalog, pre-flush.

[Frazod]

I'm certain you found 10-12 other posters to bestow your miserable prickisms upon in my absense.

I am glad the messenger service was able to locate the right floor on the first try...great coupon for the poop of the month, and they'll be back tuesday or wednesday.

Why don't you share the rest of the story...you know, the part where you grab a fist full of stranger-dump and continued the whackathon with the Garanimals catalog, pre-flush.

Would one of your "prickisms" include sniping somebody over shit that happened weeks ago and attempting to ruin an otherwise good-natured thread with your pathetic little personal agenda?

Why don't you take your whiny little hyper-sensitive bitch ass back to fatchatter or wherever else it is you've been hiding. It certainly doesn't seem like you were missed here.

[Iowanian]

oooh. burn.

You're right son, I should have paid better attention before interupting your good natured community builder in the thread starter.
Thanks for the father's day card, it was a nice gesture. I appreciate you and your talents. Hopefully it doesn't rain and we can still go to the park saturday.

[Hammock Parties]

Iowanian vs Frazod?

Hide the women and children!