Place Herm and Carl in Other Historical Situations

[Rain Man]

The exercise: assume that, instead of the actual historical figures, Herm and/or Carl were the key historical figures, and discuss the implications of this change.


I'll start:


Herm and Carl Attack Pearl Harbor


On December 7th, 1941, at 7:56 a.m., a U.S. Navy Gunner sights a lone Japanese plane flying toward Battleship Row and Hickam Field. He strolls over to his gun, which is placed into a specific position by a bunch of stacked phone books under the barrel. He looks as his watch, and at 7:57 on the nose, pulls the trigger once. The Japanese plane, still in the distance, puffs smoke, and catches fire, spiraling into the sea.

The gunner goes into headquarters, marks his kill on a graph, and says to his commanding officer, "I finished their attack for this week, sir. I'm going on leave this week, but I'll be back next Sunday. Same time and same place?"

The commanding officer shrugs. "Apparently."

On a Japanese aircraft carrier floating in the Pacific, Hermichi and Carlsan study their maps and wait for news. A messenger runs in. "Sirs," he says, "I regret to inform you that the attack failed again. The plane was shot down."

Hermichi and Carlsan frown and shake their heads in frustration. "I can't believe it," Hermichi says. "I was sure it would work this time."

The messenger says, "Sirs, may I offer a suggestion? What if attacked with more than one plane, and we came in from a different direction?"

Carlsan sneers at the man. "Are YOU a 20-year veteran? Who's got the experience here?"

Hermichi laughs. "Helloooo. If we send two planes, we could lose up to two planes. This way we only lose one."

Carlsan jumps in. "And we can't send the planes in from a different direction. That's not what we've always done."

Hermichi and Carlsan look at each other. Hermichi says, "Same plan next week? One plane, coming in directly from the north at 2,000 feet?"

Carlsan nods. "It's got to work at some point."

Hermichi says, "Great. I'll go study the film of this week."

The two admirals shake hands and retire to their quarters.

[banyon]

Herm and Carl at Troy:

(Ancient Greece)

Hermicus and Carlander stand at the Hellespont, ready to make their raid on Troy.

Carlander: Due to my greatness, I have assembled some mighty weapons and talent for our army, I drafted this big wooden horse.

Hermicus: Oh, man, that's alright! We could smash that right against their gate and then move in our outnumbered troops in a direct assault right up the gut of their defenses!

Carlander: Verily, that is a plan almost as ingenious as if I had designed it!

Hermicus: Yeah, that Horse man, it great, it great!

Hermicus leads the forces against the Trojans, the horse is smashed against the gates and their troops are all picked off by the archers on the top of the gates.

[triple]

Herm and Carl in the Anglo-Zanzibar war:

Carl: We've got a great start on rebuilding the new Zanzibar government. Everything will be great. We've got some good people in place. My second is a great motivator and we'll be prepared for anything.

Herm: Yeeeeaeaaaah! That's why they have 7-11! Go getcha some free release!

Carl: If the British want war it's war they'll get.

Herm: That's okaaaaaaaayyyyy!

[banyon]

Herm and Carl in charge of the Iraqi Army during the first Gulf War


(no change)

[Ultra Peanut]

April 1992

"I call it," Herm says, "Crystal Pepsi!"

[Rain Man]

Herm in Ford's Theater in 1865.

Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd Lincoln are watching, "Our American Cousin" and enjoying the show. Suddenly Herm bursts into the presidential box and yells, "Sic Semper Tyrannus!"

He pulls out a gun, and then a box of ammunition. He begins studying the gun to determine how to load it but can't figure out how. As he attempts to put a bullet down the barrel of the gun, a squad of soldiers descends upon him and takes him into custody. Mary Todd Lincoln says, "Wow, that dude is crazy", and the Lincolns enjoy the remainder of the show.

[Hammock Parties]

Herm and Carl at Hoth

(A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far Away).

General Carlist Rieekan (look it up, srsly!) and Luke Hermwalker prepare for the Imperial Assault.

Carlist: They're sending in AT-AT Walkers. What do we do?

Hermwalker: My snowspeeders are ready, but stand no chance against those beasts. Plus, they might freeze up out in the cold, don't want to take that chance.

Carlist: Good idea. We'll just hole up in the base. Those AT-ATs can't reach us deep underground. Haha!

*one hour later*

Carlist: Hey, they're not firing at the base? What's up?

Hermwalker: They're walking toward our shield generators. We'll be sitting ducks for orbital bombardment. I'll take out my snowspeeder squadron and attack - it's our only chance. Normally I wouldn't be so aggressive but I have no choice now.

*Hermwalker leads his squadron into battle*

Hermwalker: OK, boys. Fire at will!

Hermwalker's wingman: But Herm, those walkers' armor is too thick for blasters. Shouldn't we try to trip them up with our tow cables?

Hermwalker: No way. Too risky. We could run into one of their legs.

Hermwalker's wingman: But, Commander Hermwalker!

Hermwalker: No buts! I'm the Commander here.

*Hermwalker's squadron gets destroyed. Hermwalker crashes in the snow as a walker approaches*

Hermwalker: Oh, crap. Time to bail out!

*Hermwalker dives from his fallen craft as the walker crushes it*

Hermwalker: I could try and shove a grenade up that thing's ass, but that's waaaaaaay too risky. I'll just hide here in the snow.

*A passing Wampa eats Hermwalker*

Carlist: Carlist to Hermwalker! Carlist to Hermwalker! Come in, Commander!

*The AT-AT Walker blows up Carlist's shield generators, which just underwent $250 million in renovations*

Carlist: OH SHI-

*The orbiting Star Destroyer vaporizes the rebel base*

[FAX]

Carl & Herm Go To The Moon

Carlstrong: "Well, we've been going around and around this damn moon for so long it looks like we're getting short on water and air and powdered eggs."

"Buzz" Herm: "It's okay."

Carlstrong: "Oh, I know that. I was just saying that we need to either land on this moon or get some more supplies or else we might die."

"Buzz" Herm: "Oh. Right. Hey, can I steer for awhile?"

Carlstrong: "Get NASA on that radio over there."

"Buzz" Herm: "I didn't train on radio, Carlstrong sir."

Carlstrong: "Damn! Do I have to do everything? NASA!! Come in NASA!!"

NASA: "This is NASA speaking. Over."

Carlstrong: "Okay. Good. Now, you idiots need to get us some more air and water and supplies and things up here pronto. We're almost out. Over."

NASA: "Captain Carlstrong, uh ... you were supposed to land on the moon 25 years ago. When you decided to continue your orbit instead ... well ... we just gave up on you. NASA isn't in the space business anymore. We make cell phones, now. Over."

Carlstrong: "Do you know who you're talking to? I'm Captain Carlstrong! Look, you get some air and water and supplies up here right now or I'm going to fire each and every one of you!"

"Buzz" Herm: "Yeah. And he'll do it, too."

NASA: " ... click ..."

Carlstrong: "Hello? Hello? NASA? Come in NASA. NASA, come in right damn now or you'll be sorry! Damn. Something must be wrong with the radio, now."

"Buzz" Herm: "I have an idea, why don't we just land on the moon? Maybe there's some air and water there?"

Carlstrong: "You fool! If we land on the moon, the mission will be completed. That means we're out of a job. Now, fix me some soup and find those fancy slippers I like. I'm going to look at dirty pictures for awhile."

"Buzz" Herm: "Yes sir. So, after that, can I steer for awhile?"

FAX

[Coach]

*Peterson[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Hoochle has joined the game.*
*caREy has joined the game.*
*JONEYS has joined the game.*
*Hermine-tow has joined the game.*
*Hunt has joined the game.*
*Tags has joined the game.*
*Uncle AL has joined the game.*
*Triplette has joined the game.*

Tags: hey sup
Hunt: y0
Uncle AL: hi
JONEYS: hi
Peterson[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
caREy: lol more like panzy tanks
Hunt: lol
Tags: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
Hermine: haha america sux
Uncle AL: hey Peterson you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Peterson[AoE]; sure whatever
Uncle AL: cool
Triplette: **** Peterson rushed some1 help
Peterson[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Tags: i dont got **** to help, sry
JONEYS: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Tags: get antiair guns
JONEYS: i cant afford them
Hunt: u n00bs know what team talk is?
caREY: stfu
Tags: o yah hit the navajo button guys
Triplette: Hoochle ur worthless come help me quick
Hoochle: i cant do **** til goddel gives me an army
caREy: yah hurry the fock up
JONEYS: d00d im gettin pounded
Triplette: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*Triplette has left the game.*
Tags: im gonna attack the axis k?
Hermine: with what? ur wheelchair?
Hermine: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Peterson[AoE]: ROFLMAO
Hunt: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Tags: wtf! thats bullsh1t u fags im gunna kick ur asses
Hunt: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Tags: u little biotch ill get u
Peterson[AoE]: wtf
Peterson[AoE]: NFL hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Peterson[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
JONEYS: lol no more france for u hitler
Peterson[AoE]: Hunt help me!
Hunt: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Peterson[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Uncle AL: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Peterson[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
Hermine: haha
Hermine: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
Hunt: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Peterson[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Tags: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Uncle AL: JONESY help me
JONESY: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Uncle AL: dont be an arss
JONESY: dont be a commie. oops too late
Hoochle: LOL
Hermine: hahahh oh sh1t help
Peterson[AoE]: o man ur focked
caREy: oh what now biotch
Tags: whos the cripple now lol
*Hermine has been eliminated.*
Hermine: lame
Tags: gj caREy
caREy: thnx
Peterson[AoE]: WTF Hoochle hax hes killing all my sh1t
Peterson[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Hoochle: Nuts!
Hermine: wtf that mean?
Hoochle: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
caREy: coming to get u Peterson u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Uncle AL: rofl
Hunt: HAHAHHAA
Peterson[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Peterson[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Peterson[AoE] has been eliminated.*
Hermine: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Hoochle: ROFLOLOLOL
Uncle AL: OMG LMAO!
Peterson[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Peterson[AoE] has left the game*
caREy: hahahhah
Hunt: WTF my teammates are n00bs
Hermine: shut up noob
Tags: haha wut a moron
caREy: wtf am i gunna do now?
Hoochle: yah me too
Hunt: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Hoochle: fock u
caREy: lemme go thru ur base commie
Uncle AL: go to hell lol
caREy: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Hoochle: yah this is gay
*Tags has left the game.*
Peterson[AoE]: wtf?
Hoochle: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*GoDDeLL has joined the game.*
GoDDeLL: hi all
Hunt: hey
Uncle AL: sup
JONESY: hi
GoDDeLL: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
GoDDeLL: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Uncle AL: d00d gimmie some plz
GoDDeLL: no way i only got like a couple
Uncle AL: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
Hunt: wtf is nukes?
Hunt: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*Hunt has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Hoochle: awesome!
JONESY: gg noobs no re
Hunt: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*Hunt has left the game.*
*Hoochle has left the game.*
Uncle AL: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
JONESY: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
GoDDeLL: l8r all
Hermine: bye
JONESY: l8r
Uncle AL: fock u all
GoDDeLL: shut up commie lol
*GoDDeLL has left the game.*
Hermine: lololol u commie
JONESY: ROFL
JONESY: bye commie
*JONESY has left the game.*
*Hermine has left the game.*
Uncle AL: i hate u all fags
*Uncle AL has left the game.*
caREy: lol no1 is left
caREy: weeeee i got a jeep
*caREy has been eliminated.*
caREy: o sh1t!
*caREy has left the game.*

[007]

Send them to White Castle.

[Hammock Parties]

What would Herm and Carl have done at Normandy? Stayed in the boats and lobbed grenades?

[RNR]

gochiefs replies to Rain Mans thread....checkers meet chess.

[Hammock Parties]

SAY THAT TO MY FACE!

[RNR]

SAY THAT TO MY FACE!

ROFL dang checkers if we lived anywhere near each other I would!

[Buehler445]

ROFL @ this thread.

[Hammock Parties]

Herm and Carl would probably point to Napoleon's surge into Russia backfiring as proof that you don't want to be too aggressive.

[Marcellus]

Little Big Horn River 1875

Lt. Colonel H. E.Custer: Charge, charge! I see 40 Indians, lets whoop dey butts!

General Peterson: Gee H.E. what if there are more Indians over yonder hill? Shouldn't we be trained and better prepared? What's our plan? We have been out here for 20 years trying whoop these Indians and I said it would only take 5.

Lt. Colonel H. E.Custer: Dont worry it's gonna be OOOOKaaaaayyyyyyyy. We will send Sgt. Johnson right up the ass of the front line.

General Peterson: What if we run into trouble?

Lt. Colonel H. E.Custer: No problem, we call President Clark and tell him we need to rebuild again.

[CHIEF4EVER]

Carl and Herm at the Battle of Fredericksburg

{Note: Carl is playing the role of Burnside}

.....we join our 'heroes' in the early morning of the 2d day of battle.

Herm: Carl, we broke through on the left yesterday but got beaten back. I knew it was a bad idea to attack the flank anyway. I have a new plan but I want to clear it with you first.

Carl: I have a plan too, but let me hear yours.

Herm: General, as you undoubtedly know, the enemy are dug in up on Maryes Heights across a big ol' open field behind a stone wall. There are 78,000 of them up there. I think we should organize our troops into 17 waves of 1 brigade each and hit them head on and make a statement. They will never expect us to go right up the middle and attack the strongest point of their defense 17 straight times through artillery fire. We wil have the element of surprise on our side.

Carl: My God, great minds think alike. I was thinking the exact same thing. Tell General Gailey to take the lead and hit em' hard. But one last thing.....WAIT FOR DAYLIGHT. Our troops need the light to see the enemy and engage them effectively.

Herm: As always Sir, I am awed by your genious.

[rad]

*Peterson[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Hoochle has joined the game.*
*caREy has joined the game.*
*JONEYS has joined the game.*
*Hermine-tow has joined the game.*
*Hunt has joined the game.*
*Tags has joined the game.*
*Uncle AL has joined the game.*
*Triplette has joined the game.*

Tags: hey sup
Hunt: y0
Uncle AL: hi
JONEYS: hi
Peterson[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
caREy: lol more like panzy tanks
Hunt: lol
Tags: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
Hermine: haha america sux
Uncle AL: hey Peterson you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Peterson[AoE]; sure whatever
Uncle AL: cool
Triplette: **** Peterson rushed some1 help
Peterson[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Tags: i dont got **** to help, sry
JONEYS: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Tags: get antiair guns
JONEYS: i cant afford them
Hunt: u n00bs know what team talk is?
caREY: stfu
Tags: o yah hit the navajo button guys
Triplette: Hoochle ur worthless come help me quick
Hoochle: i cant do **** til goddel gives me an army
caREy: yah hurry the fock up
JONEYS: d00d im gettin pounded
Triplette: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*Triplette has left the game.*
Tags: im gonna attack the axis k?
Hermine: with what? ur wheelchair?
Hermine: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Peterson[AoE]: ROFLMAO
Hunt: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Tags: wtf! thats bullsh1t u pillowbiters im gunna kick ur asses
Hunt: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Tags: u little biotch ill get u
Peterson[AoE]: wtf
Peterson[AoE]: NFL hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Peterson[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
JONEYS: lol no more france for u hitler
Peterson[AoE]: tojo help me!
Hunt: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Peterson[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Uncle AL: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Peterson[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
Hermine: haha
Hermine: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
Hunt: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Peterson[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Tags: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Uncle AL: JONESY help me
JONESY: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Uncle AL: dont be an arss
JONESY: dont be a commie. oops too late
Hoochle: LOL
Hermine: hahahh oh sh1t help
Peterson[AoE]: o man ur focked
caREy: oh what now biotch
Tags: whos the cripple now lol
*Hermine has been eliminated.*
Hermine: lame
Tags: gj caREy
caREy: thnx
Peterson[AoE]: WTF Hoochle hax hes killing all my sh1t
Peterson[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Hoochle: Nuts!
Hermine: wtf that mean?
Hoochle: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
caREy: coming to get u Peterson u paper hanging hun cocksocker
Uncle AL: rofl
Hunt: HAHAHHAA
Peterson[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Peterson[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Peterson[AoE] has been eliminated.*
Hermine: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Hoochle: ROFLOLOLOL
Uncle AL: OMG LMAO!
Peterson[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Peterson[AoE] has left the game*
caREy: hahahhah
Hunt: WTF my teammates are n00bs
Hermine: shut up noob
Tags: haha wut a moron
caREy: wtf am i gunna do now?
Hoochle: yah me too
Hunt: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Hoochle: fock u
caREy: lemme go thru ur base commie
Uncle AL: go to hell lol
caREy: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Hoochle: yah this is gay
*Tags has left the game.*
Peterson[AoE]: wtf?
Hoochle: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*GoDDeLL has joined the game.*
GoDDeLL: hi all
Hunt: hey
Uncle AL: sup
JONESY: hi
GoDDeLL: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
GoDDeLL: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Uncle AL: d00d gimmie some plz
GoDDeLL: no way i only got like a couple
Uncle AL: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
Hunt: wtf is nukes?
Hunt: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*Hunt has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Hoochle: awesome!
JONESY: gg noobs no re
Hunt: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*Hunt has left the game.*
*Hoochle has left the game.*
Uncle AL: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
JONESY: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
GoDDeLL: l8r all
Hermine: bye
JONESY: l8r
Uncle AL: fock u all
GoDDeLL: shut up commie lol
*GoDDeLL has left the game.*
Hermine: lololol u commie
JONESY: ROFL
JONESY: bye commie
*JONESY has left the game.*
*Hermine has left the game.*
Uncle AL: i hate u all pillowbiters
*Uncle AL has left the game.*
caREy: lol no1 is left
caREy: weeeee i got a jeep
*caREy has been eliminated.*
caREy: o sh1t!
*caREy has left the game.*


Seriously, I'm crying right now.......this by far the funniest post I've ever read on CP.

Much rep.

[Rain Man]

Herm and Carl hunt a mammoth in the Ice Age.


Herm (Pointing at mammoth): BOOGABOOGABOOGABOOGABOOGA

Carl (Pointing at mammoth): BOOGABOOGABOOGABOOGABOOGA

Herm and Carl throw Larry Johnson at mammoth. Larry Johnson gets trampled.

Herm (Pointing at Larry): BOOGABOOGABOOGABOOGABOOGA

Carl (Pointing at Larry): BOOGABOOGABOOGABOOGABOOGA

Herm and Carl throw Tyler Thigpen at mammoth.

[Adept Havelock]

Herm and Carl at Balaclava, 1854:



Half a yard, Half a yard,
Half a yard onward (and punt)
All into the basement of the NFL
rode the fifty-three

Forward the Running Back!
Charge for the Linemans rump! He said
Into the basement of the NFL
rode the fifty-three.

Forward, the Fifty-Three!"
Was there a man dismay'd?
Not tho' the fans knew
Some GM had blunder'd.
Theirs not to make reply,
Theirs not to reason why,
Theirs but to do and buy (season tickets)
Into the basement of the NFL
Rode the fifty-three.

Competent teams to right of them,
Competent teams to left of them,
Competent teams in front of them
Blitz'd and stunt'd;
Throw'd at both deep and short,
Badly they played and fell,
Into the jaws of Death,
Into the mouth of hell
Rode the fifty-three.

Flash'd all their playbook bare,
Flash'd as they stumbled on air
Whiffing on the blitzers there,
Rebuilding a team, while
All the world wonder'd.
Plunged in the fireworks-smoke
Right thro' the line they broke;
Linebacker and D- Tackle
Adjustments to this fatal-stroke
blunder'd and covered in their own pee
Then they rode back, but not,
Not the fifty-three.

Competent teams to right of them,
Competent teams to left of them,
Competent teams in front of them
Blitze'd and stunte'd;
Throw'd at both deep and short,
Badly they played and fell,
through the jaws of Death,
through the mouth of hell
and folded like a pup tent..
folded, the fifty-three.

When can their tenure fade?
O the foolish moves they made!
All the league tee-heed.
Horror at the mistakes they made!
Horror as the teams future fades,
Ignoble fifty-three!


With sincere apologies to Lord Tennyson.

[FAX]

Awesome.

FAX

[blueballs]

Carl: you got chocolate in my peanut butter
Herm: you got peanut butter on my chocolate
Announcer: use Trojon condoms everytime

[memyselfI]

Instant classic are the only words that can describe this thread. ROFLROFLROFL

Kudos to the OP.

[Ebolapox]

Herm in Ford's Theater in 1865.

Abraham Lincoln and Mary Todd Lincoln are watching, "Our American Cousin" and enjoying the show. Suddenly Herm bursts into the presidential box and yells, "Sic Semper Tyrannus!"

He pulls out a gun, and then a box of ammunition. He begins studying the gun to determine how to load it but can't figure out how. As he attempts to put a bullet down the barrel of the gun, a squad of soldiers descends upon him and takes him into custody. Mary Todd Lincoln says, "Wow, that dude is crazy", and the Lincolns enjoy the remainder of the show.

literally ROFL

you've outdone yourself, rainkevinman

[Ebolapox]

herm and carl in the crow's nest of the titanic:

herm and carl (in unison)...that can't be good

(a few moments later).....fuck.

[TN_Chief]

After reading this thread I have a clear mental picture of Herm supplanting Slim Pickens and riding the a-bomb in at the end of Dr. Strangelove.

Yee-haw!

[Nightfyre]

After reading this thread I have a clear mental picture of Herm supplanting Slim Pickens and riding the a-bomb in at the end of Dr. Strangelove.

Yee-haw!

Mein Furher, I can walk!

[FAX]

Carl & Herm Interrogate Jesus

Carliaphas: "So, art thou the Messiah?"

Jesus: "I am: and ye shall see the Son of man sitting at the right hand of Power, and coming with the clouds of heaven."

Hermas: "See! It's okay."

Carliaphas: "Oh. Alright then. Cannest thou play tackle?"

Jesus: "Verily I say unto ye, if thy faith is like unto a mustard seed thy canst say unto this defensive tackle, 'Move!" and he shalt move."

Hermas: "I've heard enough. This guy can play. He's got something."

Carliaphas: "If Hermas saith thou canst play, I shalt believe unto him. Wilt thou agree to the rookie minimum and sharest thou a room on the road?"

Jesus: "Verily I say to ye, thou wouldst have no power, except it were given thee from above."

Hermas: "Hey! Easy there guy."

Carliaphas: "Hey! Doest thou know whoest thou art talking to? Takest this guy to Pilot and havest him crucified. Then bring me my magazines."

FAX

[TN_Chief]

Herm and Carl as Wall St. investment bankers...

Yeah, I think we know how that pans out.

[Hammock Parties]

Herm and Carl as Wall St. investment bankers...

Yeah, I think we know how that pans out.

http://www.dvdbeaver.com/film2/DVDReviews33/a%20trading%20places%20blu-ray/08_TradingPlaces_BD.jpg

Maybe Herm's coaching career is one big changing-places experiement...take an afro'd, rebellious player and try to put him in a suit and make him a head coach.

Somewhere a middle-aged white dude is running a barbershop or something.

[gblowfish]

June 1995: Herm Edwards, comes to Arrowhead as an unpaid intern in the office of Head Coach Marty Schottenheimer.

November 1995: Edwards and Carl Peterson begin a sexual relationship, according to audiotapes secretly recorded later by Tony Dungy.

December 1995: Edwards moves into a paid position in the Scouting Office handling letters from college coaches. He frequently ferries mail to the GMs Office.

April 1996: Then-Defensive Coordinator Gunther Cunningham transfers Edwards to a job as an assistant to PR director Bob Moore. Cunningham told the KC Star the move was due to "inappropriate and immature behavior" and inattention to work. At Arrowhead, Edwards meets Dungy, a career assistant coach.

Summer 1996: Edwards begins to tell fellow Arrowhead employee Dungy of his alleged relationship with Peterson.

August 1997: Dungy encountered Rhonda Moss coming out of the GM' office "disheveled. Her face red and her lipstick was off." Moss later alleged that Peterson groped her. Petersons lawyer, Brian Costello said in the article that Dungy is not to be believed.

September 1997: Dungy to begin taping conversations in which Edwards details his alleged affair with King Carl.

October 1997: Dungy meets with NFL Officials at Joe Gibbs' apartment in Washington, according to a Warpaint Illustrated report. The officials listen to a tape of Dungy & Edwards' conversations.

October 1997: Edwards interviews with the Tampa Bay Bucs for a position as defensive backs coach.

December 1997: Edwards leaves for Tampa.

Dec. 8: Bob Gretz, Peterson's, personal secretary, asks Sam Wyche to help Dungy also find a job in Tampa.

Dec. 17: Edwards is subpoenaed by lawyers for Karen Kornacki, who is suing King Carl on sexual harassment charges.

Jan. 7, 1998: Edwards files an affidavit in the Kornacki case in which he denies ever having a sexual relationship with King Carl.

Jan. 12 : Dungy contacts KC Star Reporter Jason Whitlock to talk about Edwards and the tapes he made of their conversations. The tapes allegedly have Edwards detailing an affair with Peterson and indicate that Peterson and his friend Rufus Dawes instructed Edwards to lie about the alleged affair under oath.

Jan. 13, 1998: Dungy, wired by hotel AV specialist working with Whitlock, meets with Edwards at the Holiday Inn Restaurant in Tampa, and records their conversation.

Jan. 16, 1998: Whitlock contacts Washington Post Sportwriter Michael Wilbon to expand his probe. Wilbon provides $500 in additional financing.

Jan. 19, 1998: Edwards name surfaces in an Internet gossip column, "Chiefs Planet" which mentions rumors that Warpaint Illustrated had decided to delay publishing a piece on Edwards and the alleged affair.

Jan. 21, 1998: Several Kansas City news organizations report the alleged sexual relationship between Edwards and Peterson. King Carl denies the allegations as the scandal erupts.

Jan. 22, 1998: Peterson reiterates his denial of the relationship and says he never urged Edwards to lie. Bob Moore holds a press conference to flatly deny he told Edwards to lie. Moore also says that Edwards told him that he did not have a sexual relationship with Peterson.

Jan. 23, 1998: Peterson assures Lamar Hunt of his innocence.

Jan. 25, 1998: Whitlock says Edwards will "tell all" in exchange for immunity. Peterson adviser Rufus Dawes says "a war" will be waged between Peterson supporters and the KC Star over Whitlock's tactics.

Jan. 26, 1998: Peterson forcefully repeats his denial, saying, "I did not have sexual relations with that pansy Herman Edwards.."

Feb. 6, 1998: At a news conference, Peterson says he would never consider resigning because of the accusations against him. "I would never walk away from the fans of this team and the trust they've placed in me," he says.

Feb. 10, 1998: Edwards mother speaks to Whitlock and says she was aware of her son's alleged affair with King Carl, and it disgusted her.

Feb. 11, 1998: A retired Arrowhead uniformed guard, Lewis C. Fox, claims in an interview he saw Edwards come to the GM's office on weekends with malt liquor and hand lotion he said were for Peterson.

March 20, 1998: Peterson decides to formally invoke executive privilege. Eight years go by before Edwards name is ever mentioned again in or around Arrowhead Stadium.

January 9, 2006: Herm Edwards becomes the tenth head coach of the Kansas City Chiefs.

[Hammock Parties]

That might be the post of the year.

["Bob" Dobbs]

When I first saw this thread, I immediately thought of this:
http://forbiddenplanet.co.uk/blog/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/Harvey%20Korman%20and%20Mel%20Brooks%20in%20Blazing%20Saddles.jpeg

[Nightfyre]

We've got to do something to keep our phoney-baloney jobs men! Harumph!

[Boozer76]

Man I don't get to visit here often, but everytime I do it's pure comedic gold! I wish we (Jets fans) thought this stuff up when DuhHerm was around these parts. Rest assured the end is near and your once great franchise shall return once you finally purge yourself of the most incompetent head coach of the modern era of football. Hey, you've only had to deal with DuhHerm-We've had Walton, Kotite, Carroll, Groh, Holtz, DuhHerm, and even possibly Mangini to go on our list...............


Good luck and no injuries to you guys this season!

[Rain Man]

Herm and Carl Discover The New World

Herm (dropping to his knees in the sand): We have landed! We have discovered an entire new world!

Carl (planting flag): Yea, though the journey was long and the dangers were many, we have persevered and we have triumphed!

Herm (sifting sand through fingers): We shall claim it in the name of the Hunt family, and we shall call it ... Hermerica!

Carl (scanning horizon): No! No! It shall be Carlvania!

Herm: Hermerica!

Carl: Carlvania!

Guy nearby with fishing pole, who has been watching: What the hell are you people talking about? It's 2006, and you're in Jersey.

[Nightfyre]

Man I don't get to visit here often, but everytime I do it's pure comedic gold! I wish we (Jets fans) thought this stuff up when DuhHerm was around these parts. Rest assured the end is near and your once great franchise shall return once you finally purge yourself of the most incompetent head coach of the modern era of football. Hey, you've only had to deal with DuhHerm-We've had Walton, Kotite, Carroll, Groh, Holtz, DuhHerm, and even possibly Mangini to go on our list...............


Good luck and no injuries to you guys this season!

What's this? Well wishes from a fan of another team? It must be a trap.

[barry_smilez20]

ROFLHerm and Carl in charge of the Iraqi Army during the first Gulf War


(no change)

ROFL

[Agent V]

Herm and Carl in Hollywood, 1996

Carl: George Clooney. Arnold Schwartzenegger. Batman.
Herm: F**K YES! Let's build on that!

[Saulbadguy]

Do you think that in an alternate dimension, Herm Edwards is a good football coach, and Carl Peterson is a front office god?

[RealSNR]

It's probably fair to say that in Herm's past life he was Field Marshall Haig locked in a trench warfare battle in WWI proposing that his troops go over the top for the 14th time in a row, because eventually the Germans will get tired out. Then it's only a straight direct line to taking over more territory.

[Buehler445]

I'm fairly certain that one of Herm's ancestors was French and was key in making the strategic decision that the Maginot line would be the primary form of defense against the Germans.

I see a lot of similarities.

[SBK]

What would Herm and Carl have done at Normandy? Stayed in the boats and lobbed grenades?

Hell no, they don't throw anything deep.

They would have found the worst soldiers available and had them hold hands and try to run in a straight line right up the middle of the beach.

[Rain Man]

Herm and Carl in January 1970.

Herm: Just keep masturbating that ball down the field, boys.

Carl: I think I'm going to let Dawson walk in free agency next year. I'll tell him at halftime.

Herm: 65 toss power trap! Let's run that every single play!

Carl: Buck wants to be traded. Says he doesn't like playing here. I guess I'll trade him. I'll tell him at halftime.

Herm: Lenny! Lenny! Come over here! We're ahead, Lenny! Stop throwing those passes to Otis!

[CHIEF4EVER]

Adept Havelock, you know I couldn't let yours go unchallenged.......


KING CARL ACT III, SCENE 1

SCENE I. Arrowhead. Before Kickoff.

Alarum. Enter KING CARL, HERM, CHAN GAILEY, GUNTHER, and Sychophants, with notepads

KING CARL
Once more up the Centers ass, dear friends, once more;
Or close the running lane up with our blockers.
In Arrowhead there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest gameplanning and execution:
But when the blast of the first whistle blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the sloth;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the middle the Running Back
Like the Donnell Bennett of old; let the Running Back o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height. On, on, you noblest Johnson.
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!
Fathers that, like so many Running Backs,
Have in these parts from morn till even fought
And put away their pads for lack of argument:
Dishonour not your mothers; now attest
That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood,
And teach them how to run the ball. And you, good QB,
Whose limbs were made in Alabama, show us here
The mettle of your handoff technique; let us swear
That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.
I see you stand like Easter Island statues in the trenches,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Carl, Clark, and Arrowhead!'

My apologies to one Wm Shakespeare for butchering his classic.

[mylittlepony]

Herm and Carl in charge of the Iraqi Army during the first Gulf War


(no change)

Also staring "Bagdad Bob" Gretz:

"All is fine with the chiefs, nothing to worry about. There are no Panthers celebrating a touchdown in the background. All is fine. The chiefs are right on schedule in the 5 year plan."

[Adept Havelock]

Adept Havelock, you know I couldn't let yours go unchallenged.......


KING CARL ACT III, SCENE 1

SCENE I. Arrowhead. Before Kickoff.

Alarum. Enter KING CARL, HERM, CHAN GAILEY, GUNTHER, and Sychophants, with notepads

KING CARL
Once more up the Centers ass, dear friends, once more;
Or close the running lane up with our blockers.
In Arrowhead there's nothing so becomes a man
As modest gameplanning and execution:
But when the blast of the first whistle blows in our ears,
Then imitate the action of the sloth;
Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood,
Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage;
Then lend the eye a terrible aspect;
Let pry through the middle the Running Back
Like the Donnell Bennett of old; let the Running Back o'erwhelm it
As fearfully as doth a galled rock
O'erhang and jutty his confounded base,
Swill'd with the wild and wasteful ocean.
Now set the teeth and stretch the nostril wide,
Hold hard the breath and bend up every spirit
To his full height. On, on, you noblest Johnson.
Whose blood is fet from fathers of war-proof!
Fathers that, like so many Running Backs,
Have in these parts from morn till even fought
And put away their pads for lack of argument:
Dishonour not your mothers; now attest
That those whom you call'd fathers did beget you.
Be copy now to men of grosser blood,
And teach them how to run the ball. And you, good QB,
Whose limbs were made in Alabama, show us here
The mettle of your handoff technique; let us swear
That you are worth your breeding; which I doubt not;
For there is none of you so mean and base,
That hath not noble lustre in your eyes.
I see you stand like Easter Island statues in the trenches,
Straining upon the start. The game's afoot:
Follow your spirit, and upon this charge
Cry 'God for Carl, Clark, and Arrowhead!'

My apologies to one Wm Shakespeare for butchering his classic.

LMAO

"You must spread some reputation around before giving it to Chief4ever again"

[Rukdafaidas]

Preparing Operation Desert Storm

Supreme Commander Carl: Gentlemen, the President has informed me that he would like to invade Iraq. Lets discuss the best strategies. Gen. Fanbase, what do you think?

Gen. Fanbase: Well, I feel we definitely have technology that the Iraqi's can't match, especially through the air. Their defense doesn't have the ability to shoot our planes down at the altitude we can fly. We can use our smart weapons to take out all of their key targets with surgical precision. At the same time, we can take out their troops with tomahawks from our ships. They simply can't match this kind of air attack. We could use the Croyle Laser on them, but it's broken again. It might be another 10 weeks before it's ready.

Gen Herminator: Smart weapons? Smart weapons? Haha. What is this Arena war? I think we need to send one company at a time right here (pointing at a map showing the heart of the Iraqi troops). Let's show them what kind of men we are. We don't need no smart weapons. We'll march our men and tanks 100 miles through the sand and stab 'em with our Larry knives. If at any point we get down more than 10 troops, we'll hit them with our Huard guns. If we lose the company we'll lob one Colquitt missile at them, let our defenses try to stop their attack, then send another company right at them.

Gen. Fanbase: Will all do respect Gen. Herminator, that's pretty damn stupid. Haven't you read all of the Iraqi scouting reports? They're completely vulnerable through the air and their ground troops are pretty strong. First off, our McIntosh tanks keep getting stuck in the sand and the Iraqis run right by them laughing and waiving. Second, the Iraqis are expecting the Larry Knives and they have placed a 1" x 2" piece of metal in their shirts, where are guys are trained to stab them time after time. Third, the Huard guns are only accurate at 6 feet or less and that's if they don't fall and bury themselves in the sand. Once again, we need to hit them where they're vulnerable...through the air with smart weapons.

Gen. Herminator: Smart weapons are for pussies. That's like cheating. We need to be real men and send company after company right at their heart. What would be really cool is if we could steal some of their Thigpen Scud Missiles....Now those are real weapons. They kinda remind me of when I was a kid and I would take the stick off a bottle rocket. You never know where they're gonna go. Now those could really hurt their morale.

Supreme Commander Carl: OK, I think I've heard enough. Gen. Herminator, once again, I completely love your strategy. I'm going to give you as much time and resources as you think you'll need make all this happen.

[Kaylore]

Jay Mohr did a bit similar to this thread on the Rome show that was pretty funny.

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[Demonpenz]

herm reads my pet goat....twice

[Redrum_69]

the day... 12/20
the year...2012

Herm Edwards and Carl Peterson..who still have held their positions at Arrowhead have just been informed who they will be playing against in the playoffs this year...and have also been told that in 2013 the KC Chiefs will host a Super Bowl, also having traded Larry Johnson to Oakland (which the contract stated that if LJ ran for more than 2000 yards in the 2012 season, the Raiders would give their 1st overall draft choice to KC in the draft of 2013), and Carl Peterson announced his retirement after the 2012 season...

Then on 12/21/12....the end of the Mayan Calendar ended...and all life ceased to exist.